Grieving with insanity

Urgh, just randomly ended up watching a video clip on youtube (well I had to stop watching halfway through cause I couldn't take the crap the guy was spewing out) where some guy was talking conspiracy theories regarding David Bowie's and Alan Rickman's deaths. And I know I should start re-thinking my choice of video to watch when I'm being told over and over that "I do not mean to disrespect..." in it, cause then I should really know that there will come a whole lot of disrespecting.

But yeah, of course I too found it strange that both those stars died at the age 69 from cancer. But come on... that guy was just... really, conspiracy theories? And why was he so damn disrespectful? I mean was it really necessary? And he kept going on about how awful he thought Bowie's last video Lazarus was. I'm done. I'm just done and hell yeah I take it personally when someone speaks shit about my favourite star.

I always have, but perhaps I just feel even more upset about it now that he's gone, I don't know. He's just one of the greatest people I ever knew of. I might almost fear that I'd get obsessed with him again now. That I'd just treat this sorrow the completely wrong way and become obsessed. Then maybe I'll be the one spewing conspiracy theories, I don't know. I just suddenly got that feeling and I fear it. I really don't need another obsession.

But I'm already acting as if I was obsessed. I keep thinking about him constantly, I write a lot about him, I read up information and end up on a shit video about him and I did spend 10-ish hours drawing him today. And I'm just noticing this now. I need to stop it before it gets worse. Fuck, mourning really wasn't easy... I just end up going about things the wrong way entirely and just stir up more shit in my already broken heart and torn up soul.

And I'm so sick of it. Of all the god damned obsessions that just trade one for another. I'd rather stay this semi-obsessed with K and try to move on from Bowie. He's not gonna come back no matter how deep I bury myself in everything there is to know about him. It's only gonna break me even further. Although, I doubt I'm the only fan going through this right now. I think there could be... I don't know how many, that develop some kind of obsession right after his death. Some will probably even devote their lives to it. And I just refuse to become one of them.

Now this is the kind of realisations I want. A fucking wake-up call smacked right into my face. So that I can choose which way to go: deeper down the rabbit hole or to stop this right here and now. I want for him to truly rest in peace and it's not gonna become one of those things that I just say. No more stirring up the chaos, no more trying to find out everything I can in some sick kind of desperation. Where has my mind gone? Am I just so damn grieving in combination with being practically insane and the two just don't mix very well?

There's a reason I ended up watching that video in the first place, isn't it? My curiosity is getting out of hand. And I need to eat. God damn it I need to eat cause I haven't eaten since the forenoon today. I'll have the last of what's left in my fridge as soon as I'm done writing for now, which isn't much but it'll do. But is my grieving turning into an obsession? How many obsessions can I even handle at once? Do I even want to find out? The answer to the last question is a firm fucking no.

I keep thinking about that dream I had last night again. The one in which I saw Bowie run and he turned his head towards me to look at me, at the same time as his song Lazarus was playing in the background in reality. Could it have been a warning of some kind? A warning from my own subconscious, I mean. That maybe I on some level knew what this is turning into before this realisation. And I sent the dream as a warning to myself. It's possible, I guess. Yeah, I probably won't stop trying to interpret that dream anytime soon. It's making my head spin.

I can't form more words tonight, so I'll leave you with these thoughts for now.