As my world falls down

There's an empty void inside of me, I've not been able to think clearly all day. Since I heard it. My teacher told me, cause I actually talked about him during class, sometime around 9:30 this morning. My childhood idol, the only celebrity I could almost say that I love, in some way, David Bowie, passed away this morning. I will light candles for him, maybe cry if I can, later this evening. Cause I've gotta do something.

For two decades I've been his fan, more or less exactly that long. I must have been somewhere around 6 years old when I first saw the movie "Labyrinth" (which I really have to re-watch again tonight) and instantly fell for his grace. His voice, how awesome he looked, just everything about him was perfect in my eyes back then. I didn't care that he was older than my parents.

Now I know I haven't written much here lately but this just feels so god damn important, how can I not? I don't know what I feel. Sad, but mostly just empty. As if I don't truly allow myself to feel. Of course, I'm listening to some of his songs right now. Absolute beginners, Blue Jean, Ashes to ashes, Cat people and so on. My favourites. I will of course buy his new, and last, cd as soon as I can. That one, I really need to have in physical form.

I never got to meet him. That thought keeps following me today. Echoing inside my otherwise rather empty head. I'm glad school wasn't so long today, or I don't think I would have managed. I was thinking about just leaving the place at around 10:15 but decided to stay, as it was just half an hour left. We were supposed to talk about an idol we each had and why they were special to us, and also choose one word to describe that person. I said David Bowie and that he was inspirational. I had no idea at that time, but was told just seconds later.

I don't have a tv, I don't read the newspaper. It came as quite a shock and I had to push away the tears. Couldn't cry in front of my class, it would just have been embarrassing, or I don't even know. I feel I should try to write a poem, like a dedication to him, about how he helped me finding myself when I was in my late childhood and early teens. And also I should say something on facebook and tumblr and god damn everywhere.

But I just need to somehow collect my thoughts a bit, distract them with WoW and drawing and what not. Just for a while. I'll go grocery and cigarette shopping in an hour or two and I'll buy candles as well. Then I can mourn. Also I should try and find more information regarding his death, if there is any. Yeah, apparently he had been battling cancer for quite a while. How could I not have known? Or did I...?

I don't know if this whole entry is only gonna be related to him or if I'll add in other things as well, but my thought is it's mostly gonna be about him. I still think that his song "As the world falls down" should be played on my funeral whenever I die. It is to me the best song in the entire world and I think it would fit for a funeral as well. I somehow think I should have sensed that something was about to happen. Wasn't his last cd out as far back as in 2003, "Reality" or was there another one between? I mean, just suddenly he came out with a new cd after many years of not having come out with one, should I not have been suspicious?

But I felt nothing, suspected nothing, it came as a complete shock. And I'm still in some kind of shock, I half don't even want to believe it's true at all. I'm cold in my layers of clothing and wrapped up in a teddy blanket. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill has gone, wasn't too much fun at all, but I'll be there for you, as the world falls down." I should draw him too, but now it's becoming so many things I want to do that I don't know if I'll have time enough to manage it all in just one day. But the drawing can take days to finish and that's not like it has to be done today as long as I start drawing it today. Like do a collage/tribute thing, I think.

To draw him as Ziggy Stardust, the thin white duke, Jareth the goblin king and so on. Maybe add in some text too. I should draw it all on a bigger paper perhaps, on an A3 sized one. That would take more than just a few days to finish though, especially if I'm gonna make school some kind of priority as well. I can't, literally can't, draw for 10+ hours a day these days because of school. But I think I would if I didn't have school.

I should get started with that pretty soon but buy my groceries and cigarettes first so I'll have that done before it's dark. Then light some candles, draw and write some more. And when I get too tired to draw, I'll watch Labyrinth and possibly some other movies that he starred in. Most of those movies might be hard to find though. Like "The man who fell to Earth" and such, but maybe I could find the half bad "The hunger" though. Yeah, I think I do have somewhat of a plan.

And I find myself staring at my wrist watch/calorie counter lying on my desk, how the numbers change on it every second, counting the minutes and hours. For minutes or just seconds at a time, I'm just staring at it with nothing on my mind. I try though, to just write down anything that comes to mind, but it's not really changing that much or that often. Some things repeat themselves too. I feel as though I'm constantly close to crying but it never turns into actual tears. I'm not forcing it either way, back or forth. It's usually like that when I'm sad, I feel the tears pushing but they just never come.

Not when I'm alone, safe and free to cry however much I please. Then I just can't. Not even over David Bowie. Maybe I will later on, when the shock leaves and turns the sadness around in me, makes it overwhelming. It could happen even later though, or not at all. I cannot possibly know. I try to play WoW or draw my troll but it just feels so empty and pointless, I can't focus. All I feel is the tears pushing and the emptiness in my head, the void in my heart and the shock that holds me in a firm grip.

Okay, first few tears actually did run over. I have a sensation it will be more before this day is over. There, I've just been to the grocery store, tobacco store and the liquor store. Yeah, I thought some wine was necessary too. Wine and chocolate. Then I just lit two candles that I just bought. Would have bought more but then I thought maybe two is enough. They were on sale and pretty cheap. Probably because they're white and not in a bright and jolly colour like the others were. I couldn't find my favourite red wine at the store though (something in Spanish that I can't spell but like Castiello del diablo or something like that) so I went with my parents' old favourite Lindemans instead. It will have to do.

I don't really plan on getting myself drunk though, cause then I can't either write or draw. So I'll aim for tipsy at most. One glass now and then another a bit later. Something like that. I just listened to his song "Lazarus" and tears just streaming down my face now. I lick up the salty ones that run down to my lips, but leave the rest of them be. I seem to cry then it stops then it starts again and it gets more intense each time. Soon I'll have a river bursting out of me. I find it comforting, reassuring.

I reached out to a distant friend on facebook, I know that friend of mine is just as much, if not more, a fan of Bowie. And I wanted to let him know I'm thinking about him too today. I guess my thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm crying again. Jesus, that wasn't many minutes that passed... Okay, I don't think I've ever cried this much in just one day before. It's more likely that I cry over someone else than over myself. I guess it's been that way for a long time now.

Cried for the fourth time now. I don't think this is gonna stop anytime soon, but I don't mind. I keep thinking about him but always have to correct myself to using past tense and I guess that's one of the things that tips me off the edge all the time. I guess this is some kind of grief. Grief over someone I never really knew. But I've never lost someone close to me and this as close as it's ever gotten. Like, the only relatives that has died are my grandparents and those before them, and I was never close to them. I've never lost a friend that way. A school teacher once, but that's all, and we weren't that close either, I jut liked her a lot.

So yeah, losing David Bowie is indeed hard on me. I could never have guessed just how hard it would be but I've tried at times. Just to maybe possibly prepare myself or something. I just kind of knew he would die before me. I hoped it would be the other way around, but yeah. I don't really know what to do, I can't focus on anything. I ate all the chocolate (it was just one bar) and keep drinking my wine. I've passed the tipsy state, but I don't really care. Think I'm gonna get some kind of dinner now-ish.

I'm crying again, 6th time now, as 5th time wasn't that long ago. My eyes are starting to really hurt by now. And I don't know how much longer I can write before I crash from too much wine (I just drank the whole bottle, but it was just 13 something percent alcohol) and plain old tiredness. And I think both having been to school and this sadness is wearing me out more than usually. I think that bottle was just 5 glasses, which to me isn't all that much. But it was nice while it lasted.

I guess my mother will call soon and I'll probably cry on the phone as well. Nope I didn't. Okay I think I'm done crying for today, perhaps. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna stay awake, so I'll better post this now. Already crashed on the couch so. I'll just end it here.