Diagnosed

I completely forgot about my blog! I should have updated here immediately as I got diagnosed with EDNOS yesterday, or "ätstörning UNS" in Swedish. My doctor said I do meet all the criteria of anorexia nervosa but not the weight criteria so I didn't get that diagnosis because of that.

Whatever, I don't really care which one I got. But I do feel a bit disappointed, even though I shouldn't cause I did get the correct diagnosis. Oh well, in a few weeks (or months) I'll have anorexia, it's just a matter of time either way.

I'm starting to doubt that I'll get to my goal before Christmas, it's only 6 more weeks and I still have 6-7 kg to go. It's possible, but as long as I keep bouncing between 53 and 54 kg it's not gonna happen. Fuck! I will be so beside myself of frustration and anger if I can't be at 47 kg by Christmas!

I still somehow think this is just a crash diet to get down to the dangerously low 47 kg, but then if I didn't have an eating disorder, I probably wouldn't want to weigh that little. It's fucking with my mind a little bit.

Now I can say that I actually have an eating disorder, which I suppose is the point with this entry. That it's not just a possible self diagnosis, it's an actual diagnosis cause I've got an actual problem. It is real, I got that confirmed now. Though EDNOS feels like an "at the time being" -diagnosis for me, like it's gonna be changed to anorexia later on.

I've never really felt this lonely before. I don't consider myself having that many real friends anymore, just a handful if even that. And I don't know what to say to them. I can spew out words like this for literally all eternity and I do but when it comes to actually talking to people, I run out of words.

Passively talking on online forums has become my thing, replying to other people's posts or making my own topics. Making blog entries here or on tumblr. But actually talking, texting or chatting, has become so hard. I want to reach out, want to know what to say but the words fail me and I give up. Even talking to my mother is hard. I don't want to talk to her about my eating disorder and that leaves little else to discuss.

I still worry about Christmas. Not just how much I will weigh by then but also all of the other stuff, like mostly how to go about the food and sweets that will be served right under my nose for the entire holiday. But I've been trying a new tactic to handle that anxiety: thinking about the good stuff about Christmas instead of about what will be expected of me foodwise. Like, it is my favourite holiday and it always has been, there's gotta be things I can still do to make it worthwhile, right?

Like I use to love knitting especially that time of the year and making some seasonal stuff. Gloves, scarves, socks, décor of various kinds. This year I'm also gonna embroider and I've already started a Christmas themed picture. And I can draw similar things too. I can drink cinnamon spiced tea, listen to such music and watch such movies. I can buy fancy cigarillos to smoke or something.

There are a lot of other things to Christmas than just what you stuff your face with, I just have to convince my parents of that too. They are all about stuffing their faces. For like 2 weeks straight. I was too, so I don't blame them, but I'm starting to see "faults" with that now. Of course I don't want them eating disordered too, but they could be okay with realising there's more to that holiday than eating. Just saying.

So anyway, I do find it helps to try and focus on like embroidering and what movies I want to watch, instead of how I'm gonna bring my scale without my family knowing I brought it with me, for example. They do have a scale but you have take out the battery after every time you use it so I'm like gah... I'll bring my own instead. Really should see if it fits into my bag though.

So yeah... still just eating disorder constantly spinning in my head and how to live a half-assed life with it. Cause I've given up on ever living a decent life, that just isn't meant for me, obviously. And obviously I can get by with a half-assed life instead. It doesn't have to be perfect, it's liveable and that will just have to do.

Cause I'm confident that I'll survive this too, I might even get past it one day. Or if it kills me, I don't know, I don't care. Cause what if I do get treatment for it and it becomes a thing of the past? I'd still be a mess. And right now, I'd rather be in this mess than the mess I was in before.

That's the reality. I can't just get free from all of my problems and become a happy and smiling chap, I have to choose between different messes. This one might be more dangerous, more risk taking and deadly than just an emotional chaos. But I'd rather die from an eating disorder controlling that chaos, than suffer in that chaos without my eating disorder. Cause it's not about what is the safest, it's about what is the easiest to live with.