Broken

I'm so fucking broken today. Last night, before I went to bed I did the huge mistake of weighing myself, and since then it's just been tumbling downhill. I had gained 0,8 kg over the day when I was fasting. That shouldn't even be possible.

However I tried to tell myself it was only water weight and that I was fine but I was so upset I could just barely hold it together. Eventually I had to give up on trying to go to sleep and got back to my computer again, contemplated if I should just skip sleeping altogether, while stuffing myself with 4 large toasts cause I felt like such a failure. But eventually I shuffled back to bed at 5:00 and woke up around 9:00. No difference in my weight what so ever.

Around noon I went for my big shopping spree and since I got back home I haven't stopped eating. Food and chocolate, food again and more chocolate. Then I've drank Bailey's as self medication and to make myself sick. Until now. Now I looked up pro-mia (pro bulimia) websites for tips on how to throw up. With a half bad result, I might add. Suppose it takes practise and isn't as much of a quick fix as I (admittedly) thought it would be.

And now I'm sitting here, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I was so angry, so sad, so terribly upset over my weight gain that I completely flipped. I wanted to punish my body for its greed, make food disgusting by forcing it down when I'm already full. And just keep pushing it to the limit until something must have snapped, cause I stopped. I didn't go for that pizza, I didn't finish the chocolate cake.

I'm gonna throw it all away tomorrow, but right now... I don't know what to do. I just feel empty, emotionless, like a void, numb. I did eat my way to numbness, that much I managed.

I've never been so upset about a weight gain before, but I know why:
1. it happened after a fast
2. it took me back up to 54 kg
3. it pretty much fucked up my chances of getting to below 52 kg by Tuesday
4. it might mean that I'm back on the plateau
...at least those are my strongest reasons as to why I think it upset me so badly.

Yeah, I'm gonna fast and poop all day tomorrow, cause hell yeah I'm taking laxatives as well to get this shit out of me. Then I'm gonna fast for as long as I can with as little as I can, preferably living on only water and sleep. But I can't function without caffeine... But then again I don't have a reason to be functioning at all, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Nothing really matters anymore. Only K and my weight loss matter and K isn't here, is he? Damn, I think I'm already getting hungover. Stopped drinking a couple of hours ago. Just couldn't handle that sticky sweet Bailey's and that was all the booze that I bought. I guess my taste has changed since I started starving myself.