One way or another

I'm so fucked up and this is crazy. I'm gonna give my disgusting body what it wants, in masses, shoved down the throat. Not exactly what you had in mind? Well, too bad for you, it's all or nothing and there are no longer any inbetween's. That time has passed and now there's only disordered eating one way or another.

I think I got tired of sandwiches this morning. Good. Then I'm gonna buy food and sweets for a week and have it all in just one day. Any leftovers go into the trash. I'm gonna eat myself past the point of anxiety and panic, all the way down to numbness. Cause that happens too, when all the emotions run out, they leave me with a bitter and ice cold emptiness.

Okay, the eating has officially started. I've had my salad and two large pieces of chocolate cake and I've just gotta rest with a cigarette or several before I dive in again. My plan is to not purge during the day, but start drinking around 17-18 o'clock so that I'll get so wasted that I'll puke up all that I've eaten. And then take laxatives right before I crash in my bed.

I hate myself so much. What am I doing to myself? Starve for weeks and then go all in for a massive binge with the only purpose to harm me. Food is good for you, they say, but I'm turning it into yet another form of self harm, whether it be physical or mental.

I just feel more self destructive than ever, abusing food like this. I have a tendency to blacken good things so that they become bad, to turn everything into negativity. Now chocolate that's always been a treat, almost an addiction at times, already is and will be associated with fear and disgust when I'm done with it.

The word "chocolate" now means binging, fat, dangerous, sickening, guilt and shame. I immediately associate it with lack of control and weight gain, therefore it's been ruined. I don't think I'll ever be able to truly enjoy chocolate again, because of how I feel regarding it.

How can there be so many thoughts and feelings stuffed into just one person? Sometimes I think I got a little too much. But I'm so used to it now, and I can do nothing about it, it's just the way it is.