Save my soul

So I went to see the psychiatrist at Visby Lasarett today, and we discussed getting me back into DBT and establishing contact with transsexual unit in Stockholm. I told her it would be better than keep going to Uppsala, because I don't like the "team" there and it's easier to travel back and forth to Stockholm. She altered my meds a bit, but nothing major and told me to try and not self injure until our next visit. I said that isn't likely to happen.

It's been raining all day, making me feel smaller and more shrivelled up than usual. Getting back home my chest sill hurts hours after removing my binder. That pain lasts for a few days up to a week now. Good thing I don't get out that much, considering there's no way I'll go out without wearing the binder. Though it's just that it's not good staying in doors all the bloody time either.

Nothing's right. Nothing. Everything I do, somehow ends up being wrong. I eat it's either too much or too little - I sleep, then I sleep too much or can't sleep at all - I'm going out, then it totally drains me and my binder hurts me for days - I'm told to think, but all I can think of is all this pain I feel... and going to the psychiatrist only made me feel I'm going back there, to the one kind of people that hurt me most. And I just wanna runaway far, far from here and just vanish from the face of earth. This, this place is Hell. Whatever is out there, beyond this life and my death, it just has to be better.

I fantasize, and dream about my death much more now. I wanna know how it would feel to fall off a cliff, or a high building. Or to shoot myself in the heart, and how it would feel when my heart stops beating. Taking that last breath. Hoping, thinking that me and Anna will be separated, freed from this prison of a body. How it would feel, to actually be free from it. Not having to feel pain when I breathe, the disgust when I eat, the constant pain in my head, the shame hatred and sorrow when I compare this body with others. That I'm so inadequate, insufficient, helpless, useless.

I'm breaking down, shutting down. My flame is burning out, left is only ashes and dust. If I don't give up now, how much more damaged will I get? I don't wanna know, I don't wanna find that out. This life, it's all for nothing.