The strongest reason

I feel like I'm frozen inside. Completely numb. The only thing I've felt today is restless irritation towards the world outside my brain and my computer. I almost felt for having pancakes this mid-morning for about ten seconds, so I didn't make any. This emptiness has followed me around these most recent couple of weeks.

I've started cutting again, thought about suicide, hated myself and my life just a little bit more than usual (I didn't even think that was even possible), almost stopped eating, sleeping much more than I need (22 hours most recently) questioned my beliefs and who I am.

It's harder to smile, and when I do I'll just do anything to stop smiling cause it just feels horrible for some reason. I still can't cry, haven't really cried for about a year now. Everything I feel just pushes itself further down, crawling away from the outer world.

Thinking a lot about schizophrenia again, that I might have it. Okay, last time I considered it I was 12... But still afraid of what would happen if I would tell the shrinks about Anna, her voice constantly in my head, day and night. Things I feel that might be considered being a delusion. That I'm otherkin, a demon soul or just the fact that they would think my transsexualism is a schizophrenic delusion. It's known to happen out there, you know. I believe I have strong reasons to not talk about that to any kind of doctors I meet.

But still, one of the strongest reasons I'm not capable of living a "normal" life (normal meaning independent, without constantly having suicidal thoughts or being self destructive, and such) is because of Anna's constant presence. And the other reason is of course that I'm stuck in this female body. Oh, how I hate contradictions like this one.

I just wanna die... don't want this insane fucking struggle. Feels like whatever I do it's gonna be a fatal outcome...

Scenario 1: I do as I do now, which means I shut up about Anna and keep forcing the shrinks to help me with the most important which is my gender identity fuck-ups. Get treated for my transsexualism is the number one thing on my list.
- The good outcome: I won't hate my body, it'd make my life easier in many aspects, so much more in life I'll enjoy. It might even cure my depression and make it easier to have a love life.
- Fatal outcome: all the other stuff like Anna, asperger syndrome, borderline and such might have already caused suicide before I even get testosterone legally.

Scenario 2: I tell shrinks about Anna and that I think I have schizophrenia or some other kind of disorder alike. Get treated for psychosis-related stuff which probably means zombie medications that takes my creativity away.
- The good outcome: I might be able to function better in society if gotten on good medication, therapy or stuff like that. A life without Anna constantly blabbing in my head, being mean to me and mocking me seems like a relief.
- Fatal outcome: I probably won't be considered transsexual at all and will kill myself if I can't get treated for it. I'll also kill myself if I lost my creativity.

Scenario 3: I just give up.
- Good outcome: Hopefully no more pain, suffering or dealing with stupid ignorant doctors and shrinks.
- Fatal outcome: That would be the whole idea.

What is the less stupid choice between 1 and 2?  
(Cause I don't think anyone would really think 3 is the best choice... or?)

Did I ever mentioned that I might be thinking too much? (Bad habit, I guess. I'll advice you to get used to it, if you haven't already that is)