I still feel very lost inside myself. It's like I've come to the point where I know so much about myself that I don't anything. So many titles and boxes to put myself into, I'm gonna need a whole office of them. But a part of me just wanna break all those limited frames of everything I am and just... be. It's not that I think I'm incapable of simply just be, it's just that I haven't really found a way of doing it. To stop digging through articles about psychological terms, religion along with trying to find scientific reasons for exactly everything that makes me so fucked up and just stop giving a damn. To stop thinking about being healthy and start being it instead, stop feeling I want to be happy and start doing something about it instead. Stop complaining about looking to feminine and start working out instead. To stop hating the world, humanity, gravity, my emotions and so on, doing everything I can to avoid what I dislike and learn to live with it instead. Don't dream it, be it!
Feels like I'm choking myself and I can't let go. Feels like I'm doing all the harm to myself and not some higher (or lower) power I have no control of. Feels like I actually have a lot more control than I know about. But how is that possible? Is it my subconcience again? I really hate my subconcience, some real fucked up shit is going on down there for sure. I'm haunted by it in my nightly dreams, in underlying emotions that I can't explain, and really old memories that aren't from this world, giving me knowledge I haven't spotted before and takes me to places I had no intention of going to. The real nightmare lies deep inside myself. Why am I not sursprised...
I've upped my cigarette consumation from about 10-15 a day to more like 35 a day... yesterday I was up for about 30 hours and smoked 55. The day before I was up about 14 hours and smoked 32. I've so far gotten through 8 and have been up for 3 hours... don't worry, I can afford it, and still have more money left on my account than I deserve.
I've just entered a sort of period of slight starvation. I feel hungry all the time but don't eat more than a 5 year old. I've just got no apetite for anything at all. Sometimes I feel like having coffee but if I drink more than two cups a day I feel sick. Another stupid reason for this is a weird attempt to make my stomache smaller so that I can't eat as much as I used to do, so when I stop the starving I will eat less big potions of food so I can start losing some weight. At least that's the idea. I just wish smoking could take away the hunger feelings a little, but it just doesn't somehow. Isn't it supposed to?
I've noticed it's hard to internet date on such sites when you have can't honestly answer the questiongs "how are you?" and "what do you do all day?" without scaring the poor bastards off! It's really annoying. I wanna meet someone, but living with my family out in the country miles away from the nearest town, not working or studying, makes it kinda hard...
Fading Out
All the humans seeking inspiration
for something to beguile
As the world around me crumbles
I feel nothing worthwhile
The leaves on the trees tremble
but I can't feel the breeze
I'm told that I am so much more
than selfhatred and disease
The world outside looks like a movie
when my presence's fading out
I's easy to imagine the whole world
missing me that it's already without
But I stumble upon communities
and people that I really care for
It will only last a moment before it's gone
and I don't wanna vanish anymore
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