Turning around my convictions

I found that apparently Sverigedemokraterna (SD) has their own youtube channel and they've recently uploaded a ton of new content from just a few days ago, when they were speaking publically at "Almedalsveckan" (an annual political event kinda like "Medeltidsveckan" but with a completely different theme) in Visby, and oh my god... they seem so reasonable. I don't know where to put my brain. I just watched a clip where 3 women from the party were interviewed by a man and they told him about how they are not a feminist party, but all for gender equality in the actual equal way. Hooray! There's hope! Maybe... And it just baffles me so much when they kinda trash talked especially the party that my retarded ass voted for 3 years ago at the last election, cause if my mind really is going where I think it might be... I'd really kinda go from my old "favourite" political party, right over to their enemy party. A shift equal to "from black to white" or vice versa. I'm not sure which colour is which.

I cannot believe what my mind is tumbling through these days. I've learned so much about politics in this "red pill" -age that has been happening more recently, that my entire world view has been tipped over. Like a truck, balancing on its roof. Seriously. I've always voted for Vänsterpartiet (Vp), and I'm not afraid to admit that, although I kinda beat myself up for... well, not only buying into their harmful extremist left-wing views, but for not even paying attention to what their views actually were, not looking up if their "facts" actually aligned with reality, AND for not noticing what's going on in the real world outside of what they were saying - and voting for their stupid asses despite being as close to clueless one can possibly be. Like I could just barely tell left from right, literally. That I'm not proud of, but also, maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to throw in my vote cluelessly if I hadn't been told by almost everyone I know that "it's better to vote for a shitty party than to not vote at all" like what the hell kind of logic is that?!

But no, of course I don't really blame them, I still had a brain of my own to use if I had just... you know, actually used it. But I do beat myself up for actually helping bringing my own country one step closer to its own damn demise (or well, more like "political corruption", maybe, but still). No, I didn't turn right-wing, in case anyone wonders. I turned centrist, although still a bit closer to libertarian than authoritarian, and a bit closer to left than right, but still very close to the centre. I don't think I actually changed a whole lot of my original views though, I just re-defined them, looked deeper into them, and found the more correct labels for them. I didn't look very deeply into Vp even though I stood by them for... 14 years... shit that's half my life, didn't realise... but now I feel determined to really look into, well especially SD since they seem to be the only ones actually looking at reality and not following either the super conservative right-wingers nor the radical feminist left-wingers. As far as I gather, they're kinda centrist, egalitarian, but their biggest concern is the immigration politics and not in a racist way.

What I know about that so far, is that they want a more controlled immigration policy, but not completely ban it. They want to first and foremostly make sure the actual Swedes (regardless of skin colour and heritage, mind you) have rights and get heard, and not pander to immigrants who don't think they need to follow Swedish law. That's not racist, that's being reasonable. And it's actually shocking to me that there are people out there who say exactly that is included in the definition of "racism" and that's not just a few people, sadly. I started following a Swedish youtuber, a week or two ago, who mostly talks about politics ("En arg blatte talar" or "The angry foreigner") and although I don't agree with everything he says on his channel, he was the one to shine a light on SD for me.

My mind was so considerably blown in that moment that I couldn't even form one coherent thought. I had just stumbled upon his channel, noticed he had quite a lot of insight and intellect as well as being very articulate and a bit funny too, that our political views were very similar to each other, and I watched a bunch of videos, maybe 5-7 or so, until he from seemingly out of nowhere said that "SD is the only reasonable party in Sweden now (and a lot of reasons as to why)" and my jaw just dropped to the fucking floor as I thought SD was the least reasonable party in Sweden. And that's basically the short version as to how my entire world view (in terms of politics) turned up-side-down. But I want to be more careful for the next election (which is in September next year, so I've got some time) to actually learn, to the best of my ability, what I'm really throwing in my vote for. But as of now, it does look like it might go to that "retarded racist party" that everyone loves to make fun of. As of today, I saw that one of my closest friends had shared a video on facebook about how "racist" that party is. Not so much making fun, but more so blatantly hating on them.

Yeah, if I actually will vote for them, I've gotta grow some thicker skin to stand up for it in future conversations with my friends as well. All my life I've always thought that I can be friends with anyone regardless of if political our opinions are different or same, but it's never crossed my mind until recently, that my friends might not say the same about me. And I have kinda felt that nagging feeling within me that it's possible that I might lose friends over my new political perspective. However, I really do doubt I'll talk that much about it in real life with people. I only vaguely mentioned it to my mother (not even my own standpoint, just briefly what was up in society) a couple of weeks ago, but I've been very silent about it on facebook. Only time I ever really did go that route on that website was a few years ago and some annoying acquaintaince whom I didn't particularly care for said something incredibly stupid about men in a very feminist stance that I replied something along the lines of "not all men..." to, but I didn't get very far into my argumment then. Not only cause I didn't know exactly what to say, but also because I felt very attacked not only by her but also her friends defending her idiotic statement.

I don't even remember what it was now, but likely something about rapists. Not only cause that's the one topic all super radical feminists always bounce back to, but also because I have my own fair share of experiences that are kinda unique in the sense that I've been on the receiving end of it as a female (rape victim when I was presenting as female, by a guy), as well as then also been in that awkward situation where random women accuse me of being a "potential rapist" solely because I'm a guy, and feminists like that former acquaintance of mine don't see the absurdity and harmfulness in that kind of thinking that I see. Yeah, I haven't talked to her ever since then, and I think she also unfriended me on facebook. No, I'm not and never have been one of those trans guys who got "male privilege" after transitioning and passing as male in society. No, I got the fucking opposite. If anything, I can almost claim I had "female privilege" before transitioning. Not that any gender has an actual privilege in the western society, but I just mean that women have more rights than men, and what I did get was something in the likes of a certain disadvantage that I didn't have before. People got higher expectations on me for no fucking reason other than my perceived gender.

But enough about that, I don't want to rant about my personal experiences of gender inequality right now. I know that my main source of information isn't the most reliable (youtube) but because reading isn't a thing that's exactly working out for me these days (and by "days" I mean the past 6-7 years) videos, or spoken words, is by far the best way for me to take in information of most kinds. I try to deal with the "unreliable" aspect of it by watching several different people talk about the same few topics, like at least 10-15 different people if not 20, and try my best to also find actual experts talking and not just amateurs with a webcam and too much free-time on their hands. Although hours long seminars and interviews are far more difficult for me to focus on, especially if the spoken language is also very dry and academic - compared to the far more casual, witty monologues made by regular people who just share their opinions on various stuff in an often light-hearted way, which is information that is easier for me to take to cause it's more on my level, so to speak.

I still obsess about politics and mostly it suits me fine, but sometimes it can go on for hours at an end and with no cigarette breaks to take... it can become a bit overwhelming at times, like I just don't know how to stop or force myself to do something else like eating, playing WoW, drawing or going to sleep in my bed, or even just switch over to scroll on tumblr for a while. My mind always wanders back there and even if I can turn off youtube, I can't turn off my mind. The political side of youtube has become somewhat of a powerful magnet that is hard to pull myself away from. But the positive aspect of that is that I have something to keep my mind busy (especially from the cigarettes as I still try my best to quit smoking, and I'm down to just 1-2 cigarettes a day now, but yeah it's going slow), it feels rewarding and fulfilling in some way, and I keep learning more all the time. But I do spend a whole lot more time affirming new knowledge and sort of "proof checking" it than I do actually leaning new stuff.

I used to think I was quite extremist left-wing, turns out I'm barely left-wing at all. I used to believe I was a feminist, turns out I'm an anti-feminist egalitarian. I used to think that extreme left-wing wasn't bad at all, but turns out extremists on both the right and left sides of the centre are bad and not something I want to associate myself with. I used to think SD was the butt of a joke at best and a complete racist disgrace to Sweden's variety of political parties at worst, now I don't know for sure but they might just be the only party worth voting for.

This entry isn't really me saying I've made up my mind about that last part or to claim to "know" anything for sure, but I realise it probably will take me quite some time to dig up enough information and check its validity for me to feel like I do know enough to form an educated and wise opinion on that, and that I wanted to share my tumbling thoughts and feelings before having reached that point. I can change my mind when provided with new information, in fact I can even change from black to white or white to black, but never when it's convenient for anyone else than me. Or even me, for that damn matter. I'm still mostly following the whims of my mind and heart, but I tend to think them through a bit more than I used to. However, sometimes it doesn't matter how well I think a whim through, sometimes I'm so set on one track that nothing can sway me, not even when I try to break myself down and shatter my own illusions. Perhaps minds don't work that way, that maybe we can't distort our own convictions.

The details that shatter the sum

I just randomly started thinking about my past relationship with M, and that "turning point" when I went from being viewed as a straight girl when I was him, to being viewed as a gay guy holding the same person's hand in public. It was... weird. I hadn't ever viewed myself as either gay or straight, and it did catch me by surprise. During that relationship, I saw it as that I was in that "awkward phase" of halfway passing and halfway not passing as I was early in my transition. Age 21-22, year 2011. Now I only vaguely remember that day when some random strangers yelled "faggots" at us somewhere in the middle of Uppsala. I was like "huh?" and didn't quite understand why for a moment before I did catch on, like "oh you mean me and my boyfriend?" as I was hit by the obvious.

I still find it difficult to listen to music that reminds me of past loves. Even if it's a really good song. I keep seeing that person's face in my mind with a lingering sadness, either coming from them or from within myself distantly hinting at what caused us to break up. I can only distance myself partially, I cannot freeze myself entirely ice cold to the memories. That, I can only give the outward impression of that I've done.

Can I see my truth from my own lies? Sometimes. Some truths about me I have never hidden behind lies. I've always stood up for those, thus I know I can trust them to be true. And vice versa some lies are so definitely made up and have required a lot of work for me to keep up for decades, those I can trust to be blatant lies. But there is definitely a big grey mess in between those extremes. The subtley polished truths, the vague lies that could be true if things had just been slightly different. Do I even know what I truly feel when I've been lying to myself every day for most of my life about my emotions as some kind of coping mechanism? Some make do with just bottling up, I do that and then twist and shake and poison the content until it's changed colour, taste, smell and texture. Now that's become somewhat of a routine.

I do not lose sleep or shed tears over my mess of a love-life, but sure I do often take a step back and glance at the disaster behind me, wondering why it turned out that way and how to prevent it from repeating in the future. I never come up with even a hint of an answer. Nothing. A shrug at best. Should I just leave it then and hope for the best? No, probably not. But I'm in that kind of state where it's either "dig your own grave of unsolvable issues" or "take things as they come" and I choose the latter. For now, at least. I have more issues than I can even conceive of, but I think most of them stem from my trust issues, history of sexual abuse, my selfishness/narcissism with contradicting self esteem issues, a kind of mixed superiority/victim complex haphazard. Ironically quite similar to how SJW's are often described, but with an entirely different outcome.

Am I better than them? Never said I was, never intended to imply it. For me, pointing out a group of people's faults doesn't necessarily put me above them. It only means I see their faults, not that I in any way deny my own faults. I like my own faults better, but it only means I'm another kind of shitty. I disdain their hive-mind mentality for the destruction of modern society, while I work privately for the destruction of individual lives. Better? Not quite. Just different. This has nothing to do with me being demonkin, but it's just something to liken it to that I think is of some relevance: I heard many times in otherkin communities that demonkins usually don't mix well with other demonkin people. It made me think. Taking the "evil" or malicious stereotype out of it, and placing it roughly over this situation, maybe there is something to it that maybe people in general who have dark intentions also don't mix well with other people who have dark intentions, unless their agenda is the same? And maybe that's why I hate SJW's, they hate me, the KKK doesn't give a fuck about anyone else and ISIS just wants everyone dead.

I wonder if an entire world of dark personality type people would just be one giant, endless war. No one getting along, everyone wanting destruction in their own way and doesn't give a fuck about anyone else. Some work in groups, others work alone. It would be a disaster. Glad the world isn't like that. I wouldn't want to live in a world only filled with people as poisonous as me or even more. Me liking my own nature doesn't mean I want for everyone to be like me, and that's probably what differs me from the SJW's, except from the obvious that we have entirely different views and I just can't agree on anything they stand for. No, I like the diversity that they claim to fight for but are ultimately actually fighting against.

However, I obviously don't put myself in the same kind of bad as serial killers and rapists, although my mind tends to be kind of similar to what theirs have been portrayed as in modern psychology. That saying about "actions speak louder than words" probably has a lot to do with why I don't think I should be considered quite as dark as them. Cause logically, thinking about committing murder isn't the same kind of bad as actually committing murder. And having assaulted people in the past because of having self control issues also isn't the same as committing murder or rape over and over for the thrill of it. Regardless of my reasons for not having done such things, the important thing is simply that I haven't and I don't intend to. However my lack of concern for human and all life, and that I have done horrible shit to other people in the past without really feeling much of any remorse other than being overwhelmed by the consequences it could have on my own selfish ass, and relentlessly keep repeating the same and new, similar "mistakes" with little to no care for others, does put me in a darker category than those who most certainly have done bad things themselves but actually feel remorse for that and don't repeat the same and other, similar, acts later on.

A quote I've been stumbling upon several times as of lately is: "When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake anymore: it is a decision." and it always kinda makes me cringe a bit, making me mumble in defense while no one else can hear me: what do you know about it, really? How can something that is involuntary be a decision? Or did he also include subconscious decisions? Cause if he did, then I actually would agree. The subconsious mind is a damn tricky mine field full of shit that science and psychology can't even begin to grasp. A subconscious decision would be anything from running out in traffic to save a kid who ran out right in front of a moving vehicle - to repeatedly enter one abusive relationship after another as the victim. And a whole lot of other shit, like always going for the same taste of tea every morning despite having several different options at home but you just didn't think about it. Or always ending up sleeping on the same side of your big bed even when you're having it all to yourself and you don't think about it. Really, a subconscious decision is technically any choice you make without paying attention to what you're doing, for a wide variety of reasons. It is habit, reflexes and mindlessness.

And I think it can also be applied to things like bad habits in general, at least in some cases. But can it be applied to me? Thinking about it more clearly... kinda not, actually. For me, I think what's happening is that I continuously end up in situations that I'm responsible for fucking up, unintentionally, but upon realising, I take the wrong route and mess it up more, finish what I started - instead of backing away, stop what I'm doing, apologising if applicable (it actually hasn't always been, since well, neither property nor animals would have been helped by my apologies), and turn the fuck away from it all before it escalates. But instead I let it escalate. So it could potentially be a subconscious decision to keep ending up in those situations, but it's a conscious decision to make the situations worse on purpose, which would in turn make the next such decision a little less subconscious. "I don't want to be forgiven." -I keep repeating that sentence to myself as some kind of cold comfort. I guess maybe that's why I don't stop before it is too late.

And I think as of rather lately, it has also become a way for me to push people away from myself when I can't handle the situation/relationship anymore. Violence as misdirected self defense. If I want to distance myself from someone and I can't communicate that to them in a kind and mature way, I attack them instead hoping it will be just as effective if not even more effective, when it's reached that breaking point in which I've essentially given up on my own verbal ability to communicate. I have a way of not being able to verbally communicate what I actually want. I tend to soften my expressions and minimise the problems like I might say "I might need some space soon" when I actually need to say "I definitely need a whole lot of space right fucking now and it's non-negotiable". There's a huge difference and it leads a whole lot of miscommunication. It has actually gotten a slight notch better since a few years ago, but it's not nearly good enough yet. That is rooted in my trust issues, quite definitely, cause what I can't get out of my imagination is that if I'd say what's really on my mind, I expect getting reactions like: what you mean, you want me to leave? what have I done? Have I hurt you? Is something wrong? (Yes but I don't want to talk about it) and so on. Basically, I fear what I would consider to be an over-reaction or a counter attack that I wouldn't know how to handle. And whenever there's something I feel I can't handle, I'm gonna try to avoid it at all costs. I am somehow a very private person, at least in real life, but like giving the impression of being the opposite because of the perks that come with it, but apparently backlash is a thing and it hit me hard.

Yesterday I did some reading up on how sexual abuse can affect one's sexuality afterwards, and on a particular website it listed a few different outcomes, although this one in particular sounded familiar: "Other survivors act out or become promiscuous believing that they are only good or loved for sex. He or she then fulfills this legacy sometimes with total disregard for his/her own safety. They feel they cannot say no to sex and end up having sex with anyone that wants them." However I don't feel that I'm only good or loved for sex, I know perfectly well that people can and do love me regardless of if I fuck them or not. It's more of a compulsion for me that I can't explain the "why" of. But the following two sentences completely describe me. I don't care about it being safe, in fact I prefer it not to be. And I don't say no to anyone who wants me, usually. But then not everyone I've had sex with were the ones to approach me, a few of them I kinda coerced.

This line woke me up a bit from my late night, not sure if I'm really awake, state as well: "Also here is the fact that many survivors find one-night stands sexually enjoyable. This is because they are disconnected with any emotional or intimate feelings regarding sex." And also: "As an adult, sex with an intimate partner may become a “skin crawling” experience. Many have noticed that the deeper the relationship became, the less they wanted sex with this person. They may feel so confused as to why they enjoyed sex before but suddenly can’t stand to be touched by the partner." - "This then becomes a pattern. They can meet someone new, enjoy sex for a time and then as the relationship goes to a deeper more connected level, the same thing happens. They can’t stay disconnected from sex in an intimate relationship and they can’t connect sex with love." That's exactly what I described in an earlier blog entry a while ago. That's spot on. That website is basically repeating my own words. I just didn't connect it to my past experiences of sexual abuse, for some reason. I have too much going in my life/head, I don't know which waste bucket to throw which kind of junk into.

And then fucking tumblr wants to slap one of its fancy stupid labels on that as well, as I recently came across the made up term "fraysexual" describing exactly this (would be the opposite to "demisexual"). Are they making the severe aftermaths of sexual abuse into a trendy "sexual orientation" now too?! Fuck I've had enough of their shit.

The thing that confuses me is that when I was with R, I could and did connect sex with love, in some way, and I did enjoy sex with him even after having reached that connected deeper level. However, the fact that I was sexually abused again years after may of course have implemented that kind of pattern afterwards as a result. I have to realise that for every time I've been through one sexual trauma it's brought on more shit to my mental health than the one before that did.

I read further down the page into the comment section. Someone said this in an answer to one of those comments: "If you have had sex forced upon you when you were too young, too small, too inexperienced, too unprepared to know how to deal with it, then shutting down emotionally and letting it happen could actually be a very efficient coping mechanism. But continuing with a sex life without emotional attachment as an adult with loving partner is not healthy and will ultimately lead to the collapse of the relationship." Although I wasn't technically raped as a child (at age 9, it was sexual assault but not rape) that was exactly what I did at 17, and still a virgin by common definition. And the emotional detachment in future consensual sex acts I definitely recognise myself in. But I didn't use to phrase it like that in my past. I said that I "focused on the feeling" meaning the physical sensation, and it was, as I saw it, mostly my way of coping with my gender dysphoria. Of course that gets thrown into this mess as well. A lot of different things fuck up my sex life. But I think those two are the major ones. Sexual abuse and gender dysphoria. Then miscommunication, expectations (that I have on both myself and my partners), are also often around and stirring up that already existing mess.

Maybe I've become too desensitised when it comes to rape. My mind trying to turn it into a good thing by making all of my sexual fantasies being about rape, at this point just reading or hearing the very word turns me on. But although I know the reality behind it doesn't, it has done something to me. Something quite disturbing. At this point, when I'm with a guy and he does something sexually with me that I very clearly said "no" to before, I'm... drawn to it, of being violated. But then I shrug it off and just call it a not so great time as it kinda hits me. Or more like a nudge. It could have gone better, but I'm not losing sleep over it and I'm not calling it rape, even though maybe it technically was. I guess I wouldn't know for sure. This was pretty recent, a few months ago. But then does it even matter if I was raped again if it doesn't even bother me? Me not being bothered confuses me, and that's why I eventually decided to write about it here, but that's about it. Although I've been trying to make sense of that event before.

I don't even understand the concept of "wanting" anymore. Essentially, wanting something that I don't want, is a paradox. Maybe it's more like I feel drawn towards that particularly illegal way of being dominated, that I want to be forced for the thrill but I don't want that kind of sex. And I use my own aversion to it as a way of basically harming myself psychologically. As it's been spinning in my mind as a repeated fantasy for over a decade now, maybe it's warped my sanity. This might also have something to with me feeling all the more out of control in my life otherwise, that I feel like I don't have control and it's pushing me to the brink. Sex is the only aspect of my life in which it is completely reversed. I can't even stand having control then, and now I've been taking that to the extreme even further beyond what's considered healthy.

It's really unhealthy as fuck. That me making myself even more vulnerable in sex might be a way for me to try to take back control over the rest of the aspects of my life, but obviously failing miserable. Cause it doesn't work that way. If anything it will have the opposite effect. Sure, bdsm can work great for that, but willingly submitting myself to getting raped? That's a whole different chapter of a whole different book. Coming back to the subconscious decisions. But is it even rape if I subconsciously decide to have sex with someone in certain ways despite not consciously wanting to? A part of me wants it. Not the part that says no, but the part that willingly lets it happen for the thrill of the fear. This was not about freezing up, it was me letting go and not caring about how I actually felt. Staying in the moment, subjecting myself to the agony. It feels like I'm trying to mend broken glass by smashing it against the wall. I can't think of anything more contraproductive. And I have no idea what my sense of logic even is.

Mostly hysto thoughts

Started decreasing my cigarette intake a few days ago and figured out a very effective way of smoking often enough for me to not go crazy while still smoking less: half a cigarette at a time. Might go down to a third of a cigarette at a time in a few days or so, as I'm only decreasing it by one per day. Although having been awake across midnight many times, I don't know when to stop counting for the day before and when to start counting for the next day. And sometimes when I'm awake barely 10 hours it's easier to smoke a lot less, while other times I'm awake over 20 hours and then it's significantly harder to stay within the limit that I've made for myself. I try to fix my sleep pattern but as of now it's utterly useless and futile.

Yeah I do use nicotine patches but I don't think they're quite strong enough, cause a few days ago it had passed 3 hours since a last half a cigarette and I had started getting shaky. That to me seems like a symptom of a deficiency I'm trying to avoid having. My plan is to be smoke free, not nicotine free. I'm on the strongest dose of patches, but I can't know how much of it my body actually absorbs. It says on the box they'll last for 24 hours and I did have that one on for somewhere around 8 hours at that shaky point, so it shouldn't have started to have less effect already. Not reasonably, at least. So, my solution to that was to slap on two patches for each day instead of just one, which has proved to be a lot more effective. Now I can go 3-4 hours until I smoke my next half a cigarette and it doesn't give me abstinence. I'm not nearly as psychologically addicted to smoking as I used to be as I don't feel much of a wanting to smoke and it's more simply a need, which does make quitting easier, as long as I get a sufficient amount of nicotine in other ways, that is.

Yeah, I'm decreasing my cigarette consumption to eventually quit entirely, as my hysterectomy is coming closer, presumably. I don't have a set date for surgery yet, but the surgeon I saw on May 31st for bottom surgery in general sent a referral to a gynecologist in Stockholm and about a week ago I got a bunch of medical health history papers to fill in for a hysto, as well as a letter saying I'm gonna be scheduled for a consultation with a gynecologist as soon as they get those papers. So it could be weeks, it could be months, and I want to be prepared. Although I'll probably be having one smoke or another every now and then at least until I know more about when that operation will most likely happen.

However it didn't say in the information papers I got that I have to be smoke-free for the surgery. Only that it would be good if I am cause of the healing process, and that I can't smoke at the hospital. That's mainly why I decided to quit smoking for it, to speed up/aid the healing process. Another reason is just in case the gynecologist will tell me I have to be smoke-free despite the info papers not stating that. And the third reason I have is to make it easier to be smoke-free for the metoidioplasty later on. As far as I can "plan" ahead now, I'll try to stay smoke-free for at least the first 2 months after my hysto, then only smoke as seldom as I can manage until metoidioplasty is getting closer. Like maybe one cigarette a week or whatever.

As far as I know, standard is to have to wait at least 6 months between a hysto and more lower surgery (or any surgery for that matter unless it's urgent), to make sure it's completely healed up, fine and dandy and what not. So, will all likelihood I won't get meta done until at earliest mid winter, whether that be late this year (unlikely cause of Christmas being in the way, however I actually wouldn't mind having surgery even on Christmas Eve if that would be possible) or early next year. But I'm preparing myself for that next spring might be more realistic, cause of maybe ending up in a queue/waiting list for that surgery cause the medical system sucks and surgeons are busy people. But I think I should be able to get to have a consultation with that surgeon way before then, who's name is Gunnar Kratz, by the way. I've heard of him being talked about among other trans people on the Swedish online forum at forum.transsexualism.se years ago, back when I visited it frequently and before I forgot my login. But of course I don't remember if what people said about him back then was majorly positive or negative. And I'm getting nowhere trying to research him.

Never mind, I'm getting somewhere. As I just found a Swedish blog post where a trans guy said back in 2016 that Kratz is "en av de främsta" (could be translated to "one of the most respected/best/most preferable" but it's difficult to find a one good translation) surgeons when it comes to genital operations in Sweden. That he had him as his surgeon for meta and was very delighted about that. I then went on to read more about his experiences in his other blog entries and he seems pretty pleased about the outcome, except he's still having issues with complications in the most recent post about it from a month ago. Then I found another entry from which it appears we actually have sex in pretty much the exact same ways and with the same type of people. Interesting...

Okay that's all I can find on that surgeon except from another website of women discussing breast augmentations made by him and a radio website with an episode in which he just explains what the different genital surgeries for both trans men and trans women are. Not much to go on, but it's also not nothing.

I'm actually not overly excited about the hysto, but I do look forward to be free of ever having a period again since just being on testo apparently wasn't enough to reduce that risk to zero, and to not have the slightest risk of getting pregnant. However apparently vaginal bleeding right after surgery is to be expected, as well as after vaginectomy when that's done at the same time as meta (so not during the hysto), so entirely free from the occasional crotch-bleeding I won't be yet for a while. But after everything has healed up after both surgeries, then no more bleeding from that area unless I'd get stabbed there or something. Just the thought of it gives me a deep, calm feeling of relief. To be rid of my female parts, I mean, not potentially getting stabbed in my crotch in the future.

I'm pretty sure what to have removed with my hysto, but I would need to clarify it and ask about it with the gynecologist as it hasn't been specified yet. Sure I'm certain about getting my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed which is pretty standard. But would I need to keep my cervix? Probably not but that's something I'm not sure about. But if I'll have that removed too, then I'd probably have to mention that it would likely be for the best to keep as much of the actual vagina up to the cervix as possible, only for the reason that I have no idea how much vaginal tissue or from how deep inside the surgeon doing my meta will need for the urethral lengthening. And I tend to think that the "better safe than sorry" -approach is a pretty good one when it comes to irreversible surgery, as ending up having had too much tissue removed in that situation might not be so good for the final outcome.

It very much feels like I have to be an expert on these kind of procedures to avoid having missed bringing up/discussing some details or misinterpret what the actual experts tell me during consultations and what not. And of course being an expert on my own body as well. At one point a week or so ago I ended up on an English website describing various kinds of genital surgery on females when I looked up vaginectomy, but holy shit I didn't understand half of what was written. A lot of to me very strange words I had no idea what they meant. It was anything from various tools used during surgery to academic words to describe various tissues that looked more like latin than English. Perhaps it was latin, I have no idea. I've noticed that often times such websites do tend to use latin words when referring to different types of blood vessels, muscles and whatever can be found underneath the surface that most people who are not working in the medical field don't often use.

I didn't understand much of what was said on that website despite it being very neat and with drawings to accompany every text that described each part of the procedure. However what I did get was that it's not the type of vaginectomy that is most often performed on trans guys who have no medical issues warranting such a procedure other than being trans, but was more so geared towards people who had vaginal cancer. The difference is that with cancer they have to make sure they remove all tissue affected by it if surgery is required, so with that method they described basically scooping everything out and closing it up or creating a neo vagina if the patient wanted that. But for trans men who don't have cancer in that area but want that procedure done (hence, me) then they do it in another way in which they collapse the walls on the inside and let it heal together, then sometimes they close up the remaining opening which can be up to a couple of inches (5-ish cm) but not every surgeon does that.

So with that method I guess the vagina is still technically in there, but not as a hole but just some goop of tissue that is merged together inside of the body? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter to me as long as it wouldn't cause problems, like tissue death or whatever. This is however said to be a safer method than the more cancer treating geared one, as it's a little less invasive and has less risk of complications. The complications I'm aware of are infection as with any type of surgery, bleedings to varying degrees that also last differently long for different people, bladder and rectum issues as those are close to the area and can accidentally get damaged during surgery, and the wound opening up again at some later point if the entrance/opening remains is closed probably due to movement and/or infection during the healing process maybe. Fair enough, everything comes with risks. But I wonder if I'll get mine closed up or not, cause I still have no clarity on that particular detail. I'll have to ask the surgeon whenever that consultation is gonna happen.

However, back to my hysto thoughts. The reason why I'm not overly excited about the hysto is because it won't change the way I look, apart from some additional scars on my stomach. Apparently they're gonna go for the laprascopic method or try to and if it doesn't work then they'll open me up through the abdomen. Knowing how tight and rigid my front hole is, it might have to come to that, which essentially only means bigger scar and longer healing time. Which would be a bit annoying but whatever. It kinda feels a bit more like "taking out the trash" rather than transformative like mastectomy did or metoidioplasty does/will. But I'll hold onto that future feeling of relief as a motivator for quitting smoking. I wonder if I'll mourn losing my ability to have children. I mean it can happen that I'll feel a certain amount of sorrow over that even though I know I don't want children, ever. More as a natural response to not having that ability anymore, than as a case of actual regret then, I mean. And I know I can't have a vaginectomy and leave all that stuff in there at the same time. Sure, I could theoretically keep one ovary for that reason, but I'd still be unable to carry my own child then, and I know that if I had wanted a child, I wouldn't have it any other way. No, I'm not having doubts, I'm just sharing thoughts that I never did share before but already have gone through several months ago, and writing this down now doesn't even affect me emotionally. Writing a shopping list makes me more emotional. Also years ago. So they're not new for me and I've gone through them and made my decision based on those thoughts as well.

Lowering testo after my hysto. I kinda slightly fear I might have to go back to using testogel then, if nebido is already giving me very high levels of testosterone despite me only taking it once every 14th to 15th week. At the end of each interval (when I'm just about to have a next shot), I'm very close to the max limit of what's considered healthy testo levels for a man. I feel reluctant to having to go back to the gel cause I know I'll most likely forget my daily dosage quite often which would mess up my levels and I remember the hassle of having to apply it every single day. And I'd like to avoid that shit. I know I didn't "officially" take testogel, but only as self medication before I was prescribed anything hormone by an endocrinologist, but I still took it in the recommended dosage and followed the instructions, so as an experience, it counts. But if I can't keep taking nebido after my hysto, I don't think there is any other solution than to go back to the gel. Nebido only comes in 1000 mg per 4 ml vials here according to the universal Swedish medicine list website "fass.se" which lists every medication available, and some outdated ones, as far as I know.

Yeah I've thought of this several times before, for at least the past 7-8 months or so, but it's not like I can actually research how my body is gonna respond to my injected testo after a hysto when my natural estrogen levels will be close to zero. Not even a doctor or endocrinologist can know that before that hysto. It's a wait and see kind of thing. I've actually never heard of any other trans guy who strongly prefers injected testo over gel, so to the point of being reluctant to use gel if he has to. The other way around is much more common, as so many seem to be scared of needles. I'm not scared of the gel, but am reluctant because of having to use it every single day instead of once every third month as I so comfortably do with nebido, making it a kind of hassle that my memory eventually starts to become selective about.

It's the same with my daily medication, that I try to remember taking, but frequently forget because I don't want to take it. But I still very much want the effect. It's a problem I don't know how to work my way around, regardless of what it is I need to remember. Same goes for eating food, sleeping, showering (although that's more an every other day thing, but same principle still applies) and even just using the toilet. Just because of the act itself being so much of an inconvenience and hassle that I subconsciously block it out of my mind without intending to. Having alarms or other reminders don't help because I block them out or ignore them cause of my extreme reluctance.

This pretty much only goes for things I need to do daily (except from showering then) because of the frequency combined with the repetition frustrating me, and because I don't enjoy doing any of those things. And I can't ignore that frustration, I can't talk myself into it often enough to even make it a habit. It's common for most people to have a more difficult time making themselves do necessary things that they don't enjoy, compared to doing things they have an interest in doing, but for me it's very extreme and I'm almost incapable of doing things I do not enjoy without a lot of talking myself into it and forcing myself every single time, even if my life so depended on it. Like with food for example. Apparently that's a very common symptom of adhd and add, which I likely have but haven't been properly tested for yet (I'm on waiting list). And even if I do manage to make it a habit for as much as several months, it's still very likely I will break that habit way too easily again and I'm back at square one. This is essentially why my sleep pattern has been a complete mess for the past 15 years.

I really don't want to mess with my hormone levels like that again, but I just know that if nebido won't work for me after hysto, I will have no other choice cause there just isn't one. If my testo levels sky rocket on nebido and I'm already taking it extremely seldom (it says on fass.se that it's meant to be taken between every 10th and 15th week) I don't think I can reasonably just take it even more seldom and expect that to work. And it doesn't come in smaller dosages. So then I'd have dangerously high levels probably converting into estrogen for I don't know how long after a shot, until it eventually goes down to healthy levels and then take the next shot and it sky rockets again, and so on. I don't think my endo would be completely fine with that situation, and neither would my body. So then alternatively I'll be on a constant fucking roller-coaster of varying testo levels essentially forever until I die of old age while taking the gel cause I can't make myself take it often enough to keep the levels steady instead. Lovely. I guess I'll deal with it then, but I've been wanting to express this concern of mine with my endo, however I don't think I'd get an appointment with her just for that. But maybe I or someone else should inform her about that I am going to have a hysto relatively soon so that it won't come as a complete surprise for her afterwards as it will affect my hormone levels and warrant a new appointment and for more blood tests to be taken again, cause that is an issue that is on her table. So yeah. I don't know.

So there's quite a bit of question marks I kinda need to straighten out at some point or another, but it's either just details about the different surgeries or post-operative stuff I can't possibly know about yet. So it might sound like those are big concerns of mine, but over all it's more like "I'll deal with it". I just wanted to kinda share my thoughts as they go in my head, but there really isn't much of any emotion attached to them, so in the end I kinda shrug instead of worry. This is more just to clarify I've thought of the stuff that might be important to at least have considered, so you know they won't come as a shock to me at some point or another. That I'm aware and quite prepared for all sorts of things by now. Although probably not everything.

I came across a youtube video of/by another trans man who I subscribe to which made me wonder about bottom surgery and its prevalence among other trans men in general again. He pretty much rambled for 10 minutes about that he has bottom dysphoria (it's a very recent video) but doesn't feel comfortable packing and not packing and doesn't want any kind of bottom surgery. It surprised me how often I see this in other trans men about their relationships to their own lower halves, but when it comes to their chests it's pretty damn simple and straight forward: I have chest dysphoria so I'm gonna have top surgery. But when it comes to the lower region, they're very often running in circles, trying to figure out ways to handle their dysphoria other than surgery. I honestly don't get it.

Sure, I had a pretty long period (6,5 years) where I had bottom dysphoria but decided to not go for bottom surgery at that time, but I knew I wanted it someday, because of my dysphoria. I just needed to straighten out my thoughts, feelings and future goals first. I had barely come out of the closet in 2009 when I knew that I wanted to have meta and hysto one day, but I hadn't even begun taking testo yet at that point, so I knew it was very far ahead for me back then. And I didn't re-visit that thought again until sometime in early 2013, when those thoughts of "wanting" to have a child popped up out of nowhere. I hated that it meant I had to reconsider my future bottom surgery plans, so when the time came that I had been on testo for several months, had had top surgery and went to see my surgeon for a follow up and he asked me about bottom surgery, I simply had to tell him that it wasn't of interest to me at that point. It stung saying that to him then, because it was of interest to me, but essentially I couldn't have it because I thought I wanted to get pregnant and have a child.

All the time I knew I actually wanted bottom surgery more than I wanted to have a child, but that surgery would obviously make me infertile so I would have to have the child first, but then it was never a good time or place for that to happen. So I tried to make amends with my lower regions while I waited for the right time to have that child, without being able to find such peace. Instead it got worse, slowly over time until I reached a significant breaking point. And conveniently enough my feelings of "wanting" a child started to wear off at roughly the same time. Perhaps somewhere subconsciously I knew that it wasn't even worth it anymore. My dysphoria was making a hell of a lot more of a mess of me than I could possibly deal with. Waiting any more than absolutely necessary simply wasn't an option. So perhaps that timing wasn't a coincidence. Maybe my extreme increase in bottom dysphoria helped killing off my assumed wish to have a child, along with me simply realising that parenthood was not a responsibility I ever wanted to have or be completely tied to for a very large portion of my future life, that I still actually don't even like children, and to prevent myself from becoming an abusive parent which I could very likely have become if I had decided to continue going for that route. But of course I did lie both to myself and others about how very likely I thought it would be that I would become violent towards my own child if I would have one, to justify having one.

The only thought about that which still somewhat haunt me is: what if Caspian is meant to be my child? In that case he can't be born, ever. Or his soul will bloody have to find another way of getting born here, if he isn't already here somewhere. Souls aren't attached to a certain set of dna, as far as I know. And I'm not giving up bottom surgery a second time for the extremely slim chance of my offspring being him, cause what if it isn't? Adoption next please? People could call me an irresponsible twat for far less. Would I date my own child though? Well, if it actually would have been Caspian, and I'd wait with anything inappropriate until he'd be of legal age, then fuck yeah I would. But it's not going to happen cause I'm getting myself infertile, so chill if you're getting worried now, whoever's reading this. I can openly fantasise about taboo shit that's never gonna be possible in reality, without it hurting anyone in the slightest. Me having biological children is never gonna happen cause I'm not even gonna freeze any of my eggs prior to my hysto and I don't have any frozen ones as of now or from before. So I can fantisise whatever shit I want about my imaginary child, because that child is never possibly going to exist in reality. Thus, no harm can ever come to it, no matter which disturbing places my thoughts may lead me to. I get that it might still be creepy though.

For better or worse, I keep trying

I keep getting submerged in political opinions, facts, argumments, agreements and disagreements online, especially on youtube. As I become more and more invested in that kind of thinking, it's getting all the more difficult to take a step back and focus on other things. Even when I play WoW, or look at non-political youtube videos, or scroll on tumblr, draw or take silly online quizzes, my mind simply won't shut up about it. It started out by me noticing the new transgender rights argumments about a year ago, and for the most part I agreed with them. I thought it was reasonable and inclusive and open-minded as most other trans people online seemed to think as well. But then as I started to get more involved and learning more, as well as stumbling upon others who had the opposite opinions, I was appalled and couldn't believe how I could have been fooled so easily. Me, getting manipulated by those of my own community that consists of a mostly friendly minority, or so I thought? Yeah, apparently.

Having been fucked over like that not only aggrevated me but lead me to investigate it further, and before I knew it I was heavily involved in everything sjw and anti-sjw, listening to both sides of the same arguments. So it started with transgender rights issues, but then evolved to also include feminism, racism, freedom of speech, religion politics and a lot of smaller issues more or less related to those. Perhaps not so strange that I turned against the sjw movement with how much I've always been for free speech and equality, even for the assholes of society who hate my kind of people, whatever label or category of mine that would be. I started deliberately exposing myself to transphobia and homophobia, as well as ableism to some extent, online to become more desensitised to better handle getting that kind of crap. It would make it easier to enter certain argumments online, and it has worked quite well so far.

My goal with that was to be able to keep my head cool in situations where people personally attack me, or "push my buttons" enough so that I could respond in a calm and effective manner without letting their shit get to me. And it has proved to be very effective, slowly over time. As far as I and others know, the majority of the trans community agree in various degrees with the sjw's, making us opposing them quite few in numbers. Or possibly that we aren't fewer, just less likely to speak up about it. The few of us who do though, tend to get a lot of shit from our own community, although I've somehow managed to dodge that so far. I'm sure it won't last forever and people will most likely start turning against me too eventually. Somehow that's a risk I'm willing to take. Of course I don't want to make enemies over something as stupid as politics, which is why I keep making an effort to not resort to verbal abuse/harrassment when arguing with those who do not agree with me. They're perfectly allowed to disagree with me, but I will not accept them forcing their opinions on me. But sometimes I do not succeed with that if the person's skull is particularly thick and they're especially overly sensitive towards almost literally everything I say or potentially could say.

My agenda doesn't include catering to their over-sensitivity by extreme sugar-coating or avoiding a lot of words that they don't like hearing, but explaining why I think they're misinformed and why their entire ideology is harming people, but they manage to get offended by me and others like me simply breathing. Yet they keep offending me. So I admit I've gone a little too far at a few times without initially intending to. Sure, I've got to work on my tactics of discussion too, never said I didn't.

I did start to question my stance on feminism about a few months or so ago, and although I'm still not entirely sure where exactly I stand in regards to that or which label would actually be correct for me to use for myself, I can now say that I know enough to firmly ditch the "feminism" label. Not cause of not wanting gender equality, but actually because I do want gender equality. Apparently it's a hell of a lot more confusing than I used to think, under the surface, and it actually just comes down to the difference between what each organisation claims to stand for versus what they actually stand and work for achieving. As simple, and as complicated, as that. But then I also have more reasons to stand against feminism, which I'm not gonna get into detail with right now, but things such as that it treats especially trans men quite badly in most types/sub-categories of it, and of course TERF's (trans exclusionary radical feminists) treat trans women extremely badly. So, what labels I'd use instead is probably something along the lines of egalitarian, MRA -supporter (men's rights activist) and anti-feminist. With the reasoning that although feminism claims to stand for gender equality, what they actually stand for is women's rights, and only women's rights. Sure, they subtley pretend to care about men's rights too, but they haven't done anything to prove that in the slightest. It's basically a publicity stunt to get more followers, and apparently it's been working exceptionally well for decades. Of course I too stand for women's rights, but not to the cost of men's rights.

So, when I say "anti-feminist" I don't mean I'm against gender equality, I only mean I'm against the feminist movement/organisation itself and what they truly stand and work for. Feminism is an ideology, but it's not the only ideology that represents gender equality. So whenever you hear the term "anti-feminist" being thrown around, it is not the same as "sexist" or being against gender equality, but that is what a lot of people think. Egalitarian does truly stand for gender equality, but it's not an organisation that works for it. It's just a label to describe people who believe men and women should have equal rights and responsibilities, advantages and disadvantages. So it's more a descriptive word than an organisation that has group meetings and riots. As far as I know it doesn't. And I recently adapted the "MRA -supporter" label to emphasise that men's rights are being highly neglected in society and the MRA's get a lot of shit for just wanting for men to not be discriminated against by the law, so they kinda need every extra supporter that they can get and I'll gladly be one. Just in case I have to clarify, no they're not misogynists or hateful towards women, or wanting more rights than women although they're often portrayed that way. They stand for women's rights too, but the difference is that they mostly speak up for men's rights because literally no one else does. And they did want to work together with feminists, but the feminists didn't even want to listen to them.

However I'm not sure if I really need 3 different labels for one way of thinking, but to me they're all reasonable and resonate with me. I guess I could even use them interchangably, or in different situations depending on the context. Or something like that. I kind of unavoidably got into that feminism/anti-feminism heap of things as a result of digging deeper into trans rights and the sjw movement, as the sjw's talk an awful lot about all kinds of gender issues and not just what involves and or affects LGBT people, and they hate on men (especially cis, white, straight men) far more openly as an integrated part of their feminist beliefs, than most actually reasonable feminists do. So no, not all feminists are bad just for being feminists. But the ideology itself still sucks. And I knew that in order to even know what I was talking about with other people, I had to start educating myself at least in the bigger topics of it all. Like for example, apparently the wage gap is a myth and doesn't exist anymore since sometime in the late 90's? I had no idea about that a few months ago. Sure I still have a lot more to learn, but I think I'm getting somewhere as it's starting to make sense in ways I did not expect they would now. I still probably mostly argue and discuss LGBT rights/issues above all else, but things float together at this point.

My goal is not to silence the sjw's and their views that I don't agree with, but to help raising the voices of the anti-sjw's and show I'm on their side. But truth be told? I do stand somewhere in the middle, or at least I agree with some of what the sjw's stand for and not all of what the anti-sjw's stand for. Maybe it's something like 30-70 with that or something. Or 20-80 but it's certainly not 0-100 by any means. I'm not really against non-binary, but I am against letting non-binary be interchangable with transgender only because it harms a lot of transgender people who don't identify as non-binary.

Because people at large these days, when they hear the term transgender, regardless of context, immediately jump to the conclusion that every transgender person is non-binary and sjw and they think of those as complete fucking morons who constantly claim victimhood, wanting to be "oppressed", obsessed with trigger warnings, safe-spaces and all kinds of ridiculous things that essentially makes all trans people look really bad to the majority of people, regardless of if they actually are or not. Like giving trans people a "bad name" has become a vast understatement and it doesn't just apply to the average person posting crap comments on youtube, but also teachers at schools, doctors, psychiatrists, employers... basically just about anyone. All kinds of trans people are suddenly being demonised by false accusations because of the sjw's, because most of them identify as non-binary which they claim is a form of being transgender. Thanks a bunch.

But I still know that not all non-binary identifying people are sjw's and not all sjw's identify as non-binary. But then it seems everyone identifying as non-binary regardless of their political stance wants to be included into the term transgender for pretty much the same reason. Are they wrong, by definition? I can't say either a clear yes or no, but judging by the direction this has taken and the consequences of them claiming to be transgender - I would strongly prefer it if it could be solved in some other way that could work for both parties. But of course it gets complicated with those who actually are trans but also claim to be non-binary. I don't think I'd be the best person to just sit and decide who belongs where and that's not what I'm trying to do either. I don't have a solution to this very real and urgent problem, but I might actually be onto something that could potentially work in everyone's favour, but it would be disliked by most. It's a compromise, that I know would be very hissed at, but it's not wrong and at least in theory I think it could work, if people would be willing to accept using terms for themselves and each other that they don't actually want to use. It is an idea that I haven't heard anyone ever suggest so far, on either side of the argument, so I'll keep it to myself for now, as I'm still uncertain if bringing it up would even be remotely helpful. Kinda need to know what I'm getting myself into first, as it is controversal. Also how to make it known to a large/important enough audience if I do eventually decide to take that route, I wouldn't know either.

So that's what I'm doing with my miserable life these days. Not even sure if it's productive, "good" or just obsessive. But it's something, I guess. And I also guess there are worse things I could spend my too-much-free -time on. I believe I do have good intentions though, with the goal to try to help "save" both the trans community and our reputation among the general population, preferably without stepping on too many people who disagree with me on my way. I've been wanting to write this more thoroughly than I had up until this point, but couldn't manage to finish a text comprehensive enough before I got bored with it or wanting to re-write the whole lot of it. I'm aware I left a lot of things out, but this would become a massive text that doesn't end if I would include absolutely everything. This is more meant to try to give the bigger picture and what's left out are just details. I'll probably write more about it later on, as my thoughts and feelings on these kind of topics continue to evolve and sort out as well as getting more entangled over time. So I say, to be continued, but I don't know when or how or if things will have changed in the future.

Fragmenting

"How can learning be a purpose? It's a preparation, but a preparation for what?" - late night thoughts about the meaning of life, while stumbling across something I needed to hear on youtube. Somehow he tells me that I'm just like those SJW's, but in a different way and with a different target. Or that's what's suddenly clicking in my head. I hold on, desperately, to a community that I've never felt like I belong to, and I try to fight for their rights when most of them don't even agree with me. Is it pointless? I vaguely remember something I thought quite some time ago. I think I was on the balcony to one of my illegally rented apartments in Uppsala when I had that thought. It was something like "I want the whole world to end, and I don't care if it starts with me."

Now it has found its way back to me, like a barely voiced reminder whispering: "you wanted this, you wished for it, then why fight it?" I really should learn to be careful with what I wish for. Like really, it's having devastating effects on my life. What if both God and Satan are both fulfilling my wishes in different and sometimes opposite ways, and it's causing a fucking harrowing mess. I don't dare to believe I'm truly that powerful, it would be insane. And I'm not saying that I do believe that. It's just a thought that hit me, and I don't put any weight on it. I don't see how my blatant, nihilistic, depressive and selfish wishes throughout my life have somehow affected the entire world around me, no matter my origin, and no matter my relationship with either God or Satan. That's absurd. But it also feels eerily absurd that these things happen after I've made those wishes. I think all I'm saying is that I'm probably reading way too much into coincidences, at the same time as fearing I might have some kind of divine power that I really don't want nor could possibly handle the responsibility over. If I couldn't even handle the thought of having the responsibility over one human child, then a whole world...? Almost as frightening as immortality.

It reminds me of how I all the more feel like I'm losing my grip over myself, which that guy in that youtube video talks about too. He does give me the impression of being highly intelligent and quite enlightened too, but I'm starting to wonder cause as time passes more other people seem to become smarter in my eyes as I just seem to become dumber. It feels like my mind is rotting. How I struggle so much more than usually to find words, sentences, anything, to describe my thoughts, feelings and experiences. They fall apart before they even begin. I feel like I'm losing my language and I can't pull it back to myself. Maybe I've been lying and manipulating myself and others too much until I don't know what is true anymore. I feel relieved and empowered by the darkness at the same time as I feel it's breaking me.

I don't have any solutions, as usual. It's 4:30 in the morning so I'll probably continue watching that video later on after I've gotten some sleep. I know that what I did in the quite recent past last year and beginning of this year is and has been affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Not so much on a directly emotional level, but intellectually as well as on a deeper level I don't know exactly what to call. How my nightmares as I sleep seem to be trying to tell me messages that I either forget as I wake up again or refuse to acknowledge, how I feel as though my mind is somehow fragmenting and I jump to odd conclusions and extreme explanations that really don't explain much of anything at all, how I'm grasping at straws but keep falling into the water, and how much hatred is filling up within me these days. I don't know where that hatred comes from, or if it's mainly targeted at myself or the world around me. I wonder if the way back to myself is forward.

But I still hold my belief that something, I don't know what, is trying to keep me from finding my way back to myself the way I was. That I'm supposed to want to enlighten and develop as a person but I object it and I refuse it unless it leads me to where I actually want to be. I'm not really talking about other people wanting for me to want something that I don't want, but this powerful force that may come from within myself or from somewhere in the cosmos for all I know, that is making me suffer from the choices I've made. It feels more like some kind of mental punishment than anything related to what I think or feel. I still don't feel remorse or empathy, but I don't make sense either. I can either keep on going or back down, and I'm probably not gonna do the latter, but I think this means that I'm gonna face more and other forms of resistence than I had first counted on. Not only do I set my own morals which society does not agree with, but apparently nature and my own subconscious don't agree with them either. But can I go against my own mind? Suddenly, the thought of how strong my willpower is gets an entirely new meaning.

Paths to ruin

I had a couple of dreams that were a bit more intense than usually. They were connected, but I got them separately. The first one at night just before I was abruptly awoken by some damn sales-woman calling me on my phone around 11 am (then calling me 3 times more later on as I hung up on her mid sentence), and the second one while I was napping some amount of hours later.

In the first one I was someone else, a random girl I didn't know, and she was tortured by some psycho killer or whatever. Some unknown type of person whom I never actually encountered. However he was poisoning her/me which gave a set of nasty symptoms. First all the teeth would fall out, but it wasn't like they just popped out, no it was much worse. I remember the crunching sound of them breaking in my mouth, the taste of blood, the intense pain and how it was impossible to bite down because of the intense pain and discomfort. There were metal needles sticking out from my gums (about a cm long, sharp) from between where each tooth had once been and I wonder if it was some kind of braces. There were sharp pieces left of some of the teeth that I kept hurting myself on. My entire mouth started swelling up and I was uncontrollably screaming and crying out in horror.

Then I switched to being another person, presumably the actual me, and I was a bystander. The girl was still in the dream, but I wasn't her anymore. Now she was the girlfriend of some random friend of mine. No one I know in reality, just some guy. However, the girl who had lost all her teeth now started to really deteriorate from the poison. She lied down on a dirty mattress in the dark, dirty room we all were in (these kind of gloomy spaces often appear in my dreams as the setting or scene) as she slowly lost conscience and her skin started to blacken in various places. Eventually she didn't move or respond at all, but was still alive. The boyfriend was extremely upset and desperately tried to find solutions and keep her alive, but to no avail.

Somewhere around that point I woke up by that stupid phone call, and I wanted to know what would happen to the girl if I had not been interrupted and kept on dreaming. In the next dream, the girl was around again, but it was my sister this time, and this was now some time after what had happened in the previous dream. Our parents had somehow managed to save her from the poison, and she was recovering. Still fragile, scared and always either upset or apathetic, she was well enough to walk around, eat food again (don't know how without the teeth) and interact with her family. We were all having dinner at one point when I for some reason lashed out on her and attempted to hurt/attack her.

My parents got both angry and scared but they didn't need to stop me, as I quickly realised what I was doing and fled the room and ran out of the house. Slammed the door so hard that the handle fell off on the outside. My parents yelled at me from the kitchen window. They yelled what was I thinking going to attack my sister, as well as telling me that they can't open the door again now, that I was locked out. I was mostly upset cause I had left my cigarettes indoors. Then I woke up from that dream too.

I think it might make sense that the girl in these dreams were supposed to be Anna. I know that all people in one's dreams are always the dreamer him-/ or herself, meaning all people in my dreams are me, but Anna is somehow a part of me, so I do think it's possible that my subconscious can make that distinction too. What strikes me is that yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt Anna more and more in the future, for various reasons, but the thing is that there is no solution to make both of us content and not suffering. In the end, one of us will always be hurt by the other. Or such is my belief. And I'm done sacrificing my own peace for hers. I need it to be reversed, much rather than that.

However, I realise that either way, there will always be conflict and if I hurt her, I subconsciously hurt myself in the process, because we're linked and joined. If I'll drown her, I'll start breathing water too. I've chosen a certain path for this life, that will most likely ruin me in the end. I don't regret anything, but somehow the thought "maybe I shouldn't have" sneaks into my mind from down below in the murky depths of my mind, like a faint whisper.

That's one of those thoughts that are too heavy to hold for too long; that carry too much, too intense meaning; capable of tearing up all the wounds at once in a heartbeat. I have to handle it very carefully. All I've ever seen is paths to ruin, one way or another. I need to keep up keeping myself divided from Anna, and view us as two separate beings. I don't want to become who I should have been had we not split. I resent it like nothing else. I'm scared of what that kind of future would mean. So I can't have us integrating, and that I just know, would be the only way to heal. So ultimately, I'm choosing to discard healing. That's what I mean by "path to ruin" like I'll always carry content and satisfaction in one hand for the choices I've made, but incredible pain and conflict for the consequences of those choices in the other.

More bottom surgery thoughts

So, I just got a surgery consultation booked for May 31st, which is in about 4,5 weeks from now. I'm quite excited for that! Same surgeon as who did my mastectomy 3 years ago, by the way. That does bring me some sense of comfort, because I got a good impression of him, the few times I met him in the past, and I'm very pleased with the result of that operation. However I have no idea how/how well he does bottom surgery as he's not really anywhere to be found online and only practices in Sweden since he moved from Iceland like 10-15 years ago or so. I haven't seen or heard of anyone else who's been operated on by him.

But I'll talk to him, and ask for pictures and what not of his previous patients if he has any/wants to/can provide me with that kind of material. I do know that getting bottom surgery in Sweden is a bit different to how it is in other countries, it seems. Like there are very few surgeons who do it, and finding out information about their procedures isn't so easy, and you can't really just pick and choose which surgeon you want to go for cause of the lack of them in combination with the long waiting to get scheduled for surgery.

I've also seen websites not recommending trans people to get surgery in Sweden cause of "low quality of the results" or whatever. That falls more into the bullshit category of statements though, cause almost every trans person I've met and or talked to here have not been disappointed in their surgery results at all. I don't even know where that statement could have come from. But whatever.

I've been starting to research it a bit more again as of lately. Always having that gnawing feeling that I should be able to find more information if I just dug hard and deep enough. But getting to and past that point of only finding what I already know no matter what I search for, and nothing about what I don't know but want to know. But one more thing that I did find was a book, that I ended up buying off of Amazon about a week ago, and it arrived this Friday. It's called "Hung Jury: Testimonies of genital surgery by transsexual men", was released in 2012 and contains information about both metoidioplasty and phalloplasty (it focuses on surgeries on external genitalia but mentions the other procedures and parts of transition as well), has a chapter about Lou Sullivan who was the first gay ftm to get bottom surgery and he was also an activist for trans rights, mentions briefly Michael Dillon who was the first ftm to get phalloplasty back in 1946; and as the title suggests, has a lot of testimonies of different trans men who's had bottom surgery sharing their thoughts, feelings, past and future in regards to that part of their transitions. Then later in the book than I have gotten so far, it also includes their partners thoughts and feelings about that.

Already a good amount of interesting phrases have hit me on a deeper level. One sentence I even underlined (with graphite pen, of course, not ink). About how people often view genital surgery for trans men by comparing them to cis male anatomy: "And they arbitrarily adopt an idealized view of the appearance and functioning of non-transgender men's genitalia as the only measure of success."

I think that really hit the head on the nail, much in why I think those surgeries are not that bad at all. Cause I don't compare them to an idealized version of cis men's genitalia, but to what they generally actually are like, or even what they only sometimes are like when they're a bit further from "the ideal" than the average. What is an ideal package, anyway? I have asked myself similar questions before. I don't think I even have the same presumed ideal as the majority seem to have. At least when it comes to size and shape.

However, when it comes to function I can say that I do want it as similar to how it is for most cis men as possible (also taking my age and general health into account somehow), without even being remotely close to expecting or demanding that. It is very different when I look at what I would want if I could have anything I wanted - and what I want realistically considering the options that are available. They might not be the same, but they are actually quite similar. However I don't exactly cry rivers over the few details that I want but cannot possibly have.

So far I really like the book (I've gotten about halfway through it). I find it inspirational, thought-provoking, amusing at times, and even tear-jerking every once in a while. Cause not only is it informative, I do relate a lot to the people in the testimonies and how they describe how they felt at those times. And also reading about how how complete and at ease they said they felt afterwards does hit a nerve or two within me. I do come across that word "complete" quite a lot as I read on, and I feel a certain conflict as I don't know how to relate to it in this context.

Sure I want to feel complete, but is it even an obtainable state? I wonder. I tend to prefer using words like "aligned" or "more together" in regards to the distance between my body's biological sex and my mind's gender, and bringing them closer. I even question if they can be brought completely together, if they can get totally aligned. I don't know if that's possible or exactly what that would take to achieve. However I'm actually not overly concerned with being "100%" in that sense. I'm more concerned with decreasing my dysphoria enough to make life less of a struggle when it comes to me being trans.

I don't want to keep hating my own body, its functions and hate being trans so to the point that the hatred runs like poison through my blood, weakening me, every day. I know that a lot of trans guys can live their lives just fine without bottom surgery, but apparently it doesn't work like that for me, as for many others. I've always had very bad dysphoria that's decreased if that aspect of my body has been changed accordingly, and worsened over time if it hasn't been changed.

No I don't have dysphoria over exactly everything gender specific/related about my body. Like I don't care about that my hands and feet are very small, and I like my short stature. However I also have dysphoria about parts that most don't seem to pay much attention to. Like that my neck is so long and thin (I notice having long hair hides that a bit which gives me some comfort and is a big reason for why I don't like having my hair short or tied up in a way that reveals my neck shape), and my jawline and chin which I think are too weak/undefined and feminine but I hide that quite well with my beard. Er, or so I want to believe.

Those things are more like inconveniences than major problems for me though. Like they're not that important and actually rather manageable. At least for now. However my hip and crotch situation are less manageable on my own. Especially the latter. I don't know how to possibly handle my bottom dysphoria without surgery, whether during sex or not during sex, that doesn't involve packers. My issue is that I can't "connect" to a prosthesis because it's not a part of my own anatomy. It feels fake, it feels embarrassing and ridiculous even. Especially during sexual situations (more so with strangers, but also with people I know), like I'm wearing a mask for my junk.

And I disconnect from my own parts, whenever possible. It's not always possible, and those situations are undoubtedly the hardest to cope with. I don't remember when I became aware of the options of bottom surgery, but probably sometime during 2008 or 2009 around the time I re-discovered my gender, came out, looked up transition related stuff online and talked to other trans people for the first time. I don't really remember much of the details of what went on in my life back then, or most times of life, I guess. It's a bit blurry.

But I do remember that I was interested in getting bottom surgery already back then, but it was more of a curiosity, a "maybe later in the future" -kinda thing. Or rather, I was very early into my transition and knew it would be years before I could get such an operation, so I didn't even bother reflecting over it much. But I did reflect over it a little, and already at that time I was far more interested in metoidioplasty than phalloplasty. I did most certainly have negative opinions about phallo, but not like I ever really voiced them, or if I did, I did so very carefully to not speak negatively about anyone who had had that surgery or wanted to have it, or even just considered it.

I often ended up in conversations with others, mostly cis men, about my bottom surgery options in the future, mostly while drunk at various parties, while I still lived in Uppsala. That was usually when other people asked me very personal questions about my transition and me being trans, and I gladly answered them. No one really had a bad or negative reaction to my own thoughts about possibly having bottom surgery in the future, and they seemed to agree with me that meta would be the better option. I especially liked talking about it with cis men because of them being male too and being able to relate to wanting to have a dick, as was different with cis women, obviously.

They could also provide me with a more realistic view of what it's like for them, since I don't have the experience of being a cis guy and what that's really like in how they relate to their own bodies. But I think I've gotten a more clear idea on that since then, at least in theory. I've never felt as if anyone's been trying to talk me into having bottom surgery, whether cis or trans. More like the opposite, if anything. Not exactly, but closer to that, I guess. I mean, I often get told that "it's not necessary" or that I should "be okay with what I have" as if that's just a switch-button that I can click off to change my entire view of my body.

Oh, I really should have that talk with my friend with benefits, at some point soon, by the way. Sure I've told him about my wishes and plans to have surgery, but I think I should be more clear-ish about what it may actually mean when time draws more near the event of the surgery actually happening. I still can't know if it will happen in like a year from now, or maybe even as early as later this year (like fall/winter then), and if it will happen in one, two or more stages. It's kinda important to talk to him about it if we both want to keep having sex. Especially since I will need some time in celibacy during the healing time and what not.

Oh, I've also bought a quite cheap device for pumping, that part of my junk which kinda needs some size, so I plan on starting with that as soon as that device arrives since I bought it online yesterday. I have no expectations for it to work at all in increasing its size, but I just thought it could be worth a try and you never know before you try.

I wonder if I will even go back to smoking again after surgery. It's weird, but as of lately, smoking cigarettes hasn't been enjoyable for me. It's just another need that I have to take care of and it's more of a burden now. The first drag of a new cigarette is usually nice, but then barely halfway though I just want it to be over with. All the time. I never look forward to smoke, unless I'm stressed out or fighting some anxiety, or want to escape from something social. I don't really enjoy the taste or the smell anymore either. I'm at an average of around 10 cigarettes a day now, and it feels like it's 10 times more. I would like to decrease my consumption to about half my daily amount, even way before surgery, but I just never quite get around to it.

Also I'm feeling like crap these days. It feels like a mild migraine, or somewhere between a slight fever and a hungover that is freaking constant and 24/7. I hate the fuck out of it. I'm blaming my medication, and me hassling with that medication, on this. Now I'm paying extra attention to taking it first 100 mg in the morning (around 10-ish am) and then the remaining 100 mg at night (around 10 pm then) cause I think me having taken it both pills at the same time just once a day has made me feel shitty for a while and now it's gotten worse. But if this won't work in about a week or two, I'm scheduling an appointment with my medication doctor to talk about this shit and what can be done about it. I'd consider switching medication, or even medicating this nasty side-effect. Anything, as long as it has the potential to work.

This messes with my work-out plans as well, cause I'm literally not feeling well enough to even pick up a dumbbell, let along keep doing that repeatedly for an hour. And when I finally get a little space in time when I feel almost normal again for a few hours, I need to focus all of that energy on cleaning my apartment and dirty dishes that have been piling up for a good amount of days or even weeks, go grocery shopping or take out the garbage, which does come before working out. Cause I don't want to live in a freaking gross mess. But then I could say exactly the same thing about my body.

However I'm also putting more effort into keeping my newly fixed circadian rhythm (sleeping pattern) at least somewhat in order, taking vitamins, fluid replacements, drink more juice, drink less coffee (seriously can't really get that shit down with all this nausea anyway), eating something every day, stay away from alcohol (cause a hungover on this feels like 10 hangovers piled on top of each other) and trying my damn best to keep the temperature down in here and the amount of oxygen up cause it feels like I'm suffocating. That balcony door is almost always open now, day and night, and although I can't turn the heaters off they are on as low heat as possible. It doesn't get cooler than around 23 degrees in here though.

I'm just fed up with feeling like shit, this "I can't do anything" -feeling that is smothering me from within. I still feel rather well mentally, but physically I feel like a train wreck.