Okay, one more half crazy life experience that I can cross off from my to-do-list: taste my own piss. Really didn't expect it to be quite that revolting though. I mean by far one of the most disgusting things I've ever consumed. Actually the only thing I can think of that tasted worse was when I accidentally drank drain cleaning fluid. (It really was by accident, I mistook the bottle for lemonade, so well, at least it was diluted with water and just one sip). I don't have anything to compare the whole piss drinking experience to, but it was very acidly, bitter, basic (opposite to sour, like soap) and actually had a strong chemical taste to it. Maybe my ammonium levels are unusually high, or something.
Other than that I don't know what could cause it to taste like that, as it wasn't at all what I was prepared for after what I had read about it online. I expected it to be salty due to me being dehydrated but I didn't notice any saltiness at all. However it was dark yellow, almost orange in colour, like it usually is. My messed up diet and excessive coffee-drinking habit could maybe be possible causes, or the medications that I take, but seriously? If it was almost as bad as freaking drain cleaner, I mean what the hell? Should I be worried about this?
Doesn't feel like the kind of thing I'd want to bring up with a doctor... "Hey doc, I just drank some of my piss and it was really gross, should I be worried about my health?" Yeah I can see how that would be a quite funny conversation starter though.
Geez, it's been like 20 minutes and I can still feel it clinging to my gums and tongue. Huah. No I really didn't drink a whole lot of it at all, just a sip, as fresh as it gets. So it's not like I had it stored for some time prior to drinking it either. However, most of it had been stored in my body since sometime yesterday, meaning well over 12 hours. Maybe that could be a factor, I don't know.
Haha, it was so freaking bad that even if I'd be stuck in a desert with no other means of getting fluid I'd fucking hesitate and be more like "maybe I should just die of dehydration instead". Or have some of that drain cleaner. But I don't regret having tried it, at least it solved my curiosity that had been brewing within me for at least the past 4 years now. I've always planned to try it but kept putting it off all the time. I always worried it would be a huge disappointment, but this fucking takes the price. It literally tasted like poison. I have no doubt that it might actually be poison. Now I know what to feed my potential future enemies with though.
I really need to rinse my mouth with something now though, I can't even stop grimacing. I'm guessing this next cup of coffee will taste like a fucking dream in comparison. Although I did state it as half crazy, I know it's not that damn weird actually. A lot of people have tasted their own piss without it being that big of a deal, it's just that media likes to make it seem like an act of pure insanity unless you're literally stuck in a desert. That damn media.
However, moving on. I know I'm not getting away with not saying anything about how the appointment with that gynecologist went, as I just got back home from that. It went better than what I feared. Sure it was only women in the very small waiting room, but I got called like as soon as I got in there so that was a bit of a relief. Also my gynecologist was very nice and kind, which was good too. We first sat down talking a bit about my bleedings, my testosterone, she asked me if I had been to a gynecologist before (I told her I have, 2-3 times, which is true) and she asked me about what I planned to do in terms of SRS or not, so I told her about that too.
Then it was time to face the chair. I was nervous as fuck but kept myself together and kinda focused on my breathing and staying calm. I know it's just been a more and more traumatic experience to seek gynecologic care for me. Partly because of my constantly increasing dysphoria about my nether region, and partly because passing better as male each time does make me feel more and more out of place at women's clinics.
She did an ultra-sound exam, uhm, from inside, which was very uncomfortable but I knew it was going to be and I just tried my best to relax while looking at the screen showing my insides in grey scale. She looked around for maybe half a minute, then told me that everything looked fine in there. I got dressed again and we sat down to talk again. She told me about a nose spray that I could try if I wanted to, which would basically trigger menopause symptoms somehow. I told her it could be worth a try. I didn't even think to ask if it could make me sterile (unless I already am, can't know for sure) but probably? Not that it matters to me. Oh wait that would be great if it will actually, cause sterile should also mean no more fucking periods. And yeah, I do want to be sterile, just to clarify. I see it as relief. One less thing to worry about.
She said that usually she wouldn't advice patients to take it longer than 6 months, but that she wasn't sure if maybe I could take it longer due to me being on testosterone. Since well, me being trans and transitioning does make me a bit of a unique case apparently. I know I'm part of a minority with that, and also I've been told that this period issue that I got also happens very rarely with trans men on testosterone. The reason I can maybe take it longer than 6 months is that for cis women taking it, it could lead to bone sensitivity, but me taking testosterone could possibly prevent that from happening but it's not certain.
So, I do plan to contact the trans team in Huddinge as soon as I can muster enough courage to just pick up the phone. Which is silly cause according to the website where I got the number from it will just be a machine answering in the other end, and they're taking calls 24/7. So I shouldn't be so nervous about it, I mean. However my nervousness is far from always logical.
My mother was kind enough to pick up and buy the nose spray for me while I went out for a cigarette (yeah she drove me to the hospital and such, but she certainly wasn't with me in the exam room), it's called "Synarela" 200 micro gram/dose and I got two packages of it. However my mother was shocked by the price, which she said was 1000 kr. So it's finally over and the nervousness wore off as soon as the exam was done, however her poking around down there did cause me a quite severe, burning pain right after which still lasts as of now, 3 hours later, although it's milder.
I really don't know what's up with the vag these days, but every time anything goes in there, it causes that really intense, burning pain. It feels a bit like a chemical burn. Similar to when I put shaving foam in that area (which stings mildly with a slightly warm feeling) but like a 100 times worse. It only gets like that when anything is inserted, not when touching the outer parts. And not the nicest place for that kind of sensation. I did find a cold stone formation to straddle on when I was out for a smoke right after at the hospital though, which somewhat helped easing that pain, but it was still pretty bad.
I really don't think it has to do with any kind of std or such though, and it's extremely unlikely that I would have an std. Like from where or who? Unless I've been sleep walking and fucking my neighbours without knowing I have, but that's probably quite unlikely too, and who says they're infected with something anyway? I think they're all in the middle age range, married and have children and I don't know if it makes me bias or something but I just don't think most people in that category have a lot of std's.
And well yeah, if that extremely unlikely scenario somehow would be true, I'd be far more upset about that kind of activity giving me std's than the activity itself. It's not like I remember it? And also I don't mind fucking people that I don't find particularly attractive or married people, so that's not even concerns of mine. Been there, done that, worked out fine. (Would do it again too.)
The only thing I can think of is actually causing that severe pain is the atrophy from testosterone doing a real number on me. Also the bleedings. Cause before I got those back it used to be very thick in there, so it was more protected, although still hurt, but now the walls are pretty thin due to the frequent bleedings emptying that stuff out, so it's very very sensitive in a far from comfortable way. It almost feels like it's just an open wound there now.
But whatever the case, as long as it's not something dangerous like an illness or infection, which doesn't seem to be the case at all, I'm not interested in treating it. Cause even if I could treat the physical pain away, I still don't want to make use of that hole due to dysphoria. I've had enough of it and all the emotional distress it's caused me over the years. I'm so fucking done with it.
It's been getting worse, every time I meddle with that area, like every time is worse than the time before. I know I did try to... well, experiment with that while masturbating a couple of weeks or so ago, maybe even 3 weeks ago, just to see if I could even remotely like it again. I wanted to give it one last, honest chance. Just so that I could leave it behind me for good without being haunted by that annoying "what if" feeling. Not that I really wanted to though. But yeah I was very aroused, lubricated and used lots of lube as well, and was very relaxed, but it didn't matter. Barely touched the entrance and instant fucking unbearable pain that then lasted for hours after. Nope, I'm never freely putting anything up there again unless I absolutely have to.
(By the way update: eventually today's pain down there had vanished completely after roughly 5 hours after getting it.)
But I'm really not bitter about this at all. I don't give a fuck about that hole anymore, cause well I did find something better, as I've quite recently discovered that I really like anal. Yes I'm careful, take all necessary precautions ever having been mentioned on sex education places online, from various sources too, and I will continue to be careful in the future as well. Especially when I'll start to feel ready to invite other people into that amazing world as well. I do really look forward to that in the future, but I certainly won't just jump straight into it any time soon. And I know it also has gotten me to start worrying a little bit more about the potentially higher risks of one day getting HIV if that's the kind of sex I'd be the most into in the future, also since I'm sure I'd be most into it with cis men.
I did read up some information about that, just to educate myself about the risks and such. However I'm not overly worried about that it might happen at some point in the future. Sure it would suck and I'd do my best to try to avoid it, but I somehow don't think it would be the end of the world if it would happen eventually anyway. Life comes with certain risks and that's something I do accept in a lot of aspects, although far from all aspects.
But it really does feel like a great relief that I do find enjoyment and pleasure in that, like I really needed it somehow. Maybe weird to call it a comfort, but it kinda is to me. And somehow it does make me feel more comfortable with my body as well, at least knowing that I do have something to work with. And knowing that there's just not a single doubt ever about me wanting SRS now. Not that there was before either, but more like I went from being 100% sure to 110% sure. Cause it's always very nice to feel even more sure than just sure, you know. Especially when I didn't think I could get even more sure.
I do hold onto those little glimpses, of pleasure or comfort, things that do make me smile and stay hopeful. And yeah, exploring anal definitely is one of those glimpses these days. Suddenly masturbation isn't just a necessary chore anymore, but actually something I tend to look forward to. But I feel hopeful without hoping too hard for a much better future then. Just a slightly better future is enough. For now at least, then I can continue working on it to make it even better from then on.
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Overwhelming relief
I know now, that what I've found deep within me, is the traumatised child that just can't bear it anymore. Although, it could be similar feelings from other ages as well, but most prominently, I feel this is from a very early time of my life, before the split. I whisper to it: "I want to see you again tonight, I need you. It's not just you needing me anymore, I need you too." Tears just streaming down my face as I form the words.
This is an amazing discovery, but of course, an incredibly sad one as well. I know that I've needed that child within me, for all of my life, and I've been searching for it without knowing where to look. To say that I'm relieved it finally found me, is a vast understatement. I need to nurture it, even if I can't possibly heal it. At the very least, I just need it to be close to me. Always. Forever.
I found what I thought I had lost forever... I'm crying again and again and again. I just can't stop crying. Tears of relief, of joy and sadness all at once. So much relief, it washes over in me in amazing waves. How is it possible?
I know I had to abandon that child within me, in order to survive. I didn't even know that back then when I still trivialised everything. But I haven't been able to let go of it, always reaching out for it, wanting for it to come back. "Please, I need you" I've always told it. I'm pretty sure this is my strongest reason for still sleeping with a stuffed cuddly toy tiger. I need the comfort, and somehow it has always made feel a little bit more connected to that, what I thought was, a lost part of me.
I've always known that I still hold on to cuddly toys way into adulthood for the reason of trying to connect with my inner child, and I know it might sound silly, but it's true. I had no idea it still existed somewhere deep within me, that it would eventually hear me, and respond to my cries. Invite me to its hiding place, despite being so very afraid of me. Brave, so very brave.
I want and need all the closeness I can get with this treasure. Bond with it. Damn I've been longing for it for so long now it feels like I'm just melting. No, I can't even remotely give an actually accurate description of this overwhelming amount of relief that I feel. There are no such words.
This is an amazing discovery, but of course, an incredibly sad one as well. I know that I've needed that child within me, for all of my life, and I've been searching for it without knowing where to look. To say that I'm relieved it finally found me, is a vast understatement. I need to nurture it, even if I can't possibly heal it. At the very least, I just need it to be close to me. Always. Forever.
I found what I thought I had lost forever... I'm crying again and again and again. I just can't stop crying. Tears of relief, of joy and sadness all at once. So much relief, it washes over in me in amazing waves. How is it possible?
I know I had to abandon that child within me, in order to survive. I didn't even know that back then when I still trivialised everything. But I haven't been able to let go of it, always reaching out for it, wanting for it to come back. "Please, I need you" I've always told it. I'm pretty sure this is my strongest reason for still sleeping with a stuffed cuddly toy tiger. I need the comfort, and somehow it has always made feel a little bit more connected to that, what I thought was, a lost part of me.
I've always known that I still hold on to cuddly toys way into adulthood for the reason of trying to connect with my inner child, and I know it might sound silly, but it's true. I had no idea it still existed somewhere deep within me, that it would eventually hear me, and respond to my cries. Invite me to its hiding place, despite being so very afraid of me. Brave, so very brave.
I want and need all the closeness I can get with this treasure. Bond with it. Damn I've been longing for it for so long now it feels like I'm just melting. No, I can't even remotely give an actually accurate description of this overwhelming amount of relief that I feel. There are no such words.
Healing from within
So it's the dreaded anniversary again. 10 years and counting. However I'm very little focused or concerned with what happened this day back in 2007 today. I'm still far more busy with worrying about my Anna-situation, and what happened this morning.
Only got barely 3 hours of sleep this morning cause I tried to get my ass to school but felt way too nauseous and headachy for that to be possible, and I dreamed so much weird shit during those 3 hours. I had to ask my subconscious to "drag me down" into the unknown darkness in there as that was the only way I could "sleep". I still don't know what I'm actually doing when I do that, as it doesn't feel like falling asleep at all. And it always brings me to the same place, where the same kind of scene plays out.
My best guesses would be that it could possibly be some kind of trance, an out of body experience of sorts, or even self-hypnosis for that matter. I have to be in a certain state of mind for it to work, a very weakened state, but physical tiredness is not enough. It has to be rather extreme exhaustion as well. It can't happen by itself, I need to push myself into it for it to work. I usually do form the thought "I want you to bring me down" directed towards my subconscious mind, which kinda works as a switch that starts the process. It does feel very scary, like I'm being pulled away from reality or sucked into a black hole, upon request. I can also imagine it could be compared to taking some kind of drug, although nothing that I've tried so far, only from what I've heard about drug trips gone wrong.
It starts with a tingling sensation in my entire body, like when a body part "falls asleep" but all over. It gradually intensifies as I also become less and less able to move any part of my body, until I lose consciousness and shift into a very disturbing nightmare world. I can't really time it, but I think that process takes about a couple of minutes to fully complete. I do think that what I'm actually doing, is tapping right into the core of my subconscious mind, and it's very dark and nasty in there. I think it could be though, that the reason as to why I always get so incredibly scared of what I find in there, is because I ask to end up somewhere I'm not supposed to be. And that basically that part of my mind views my presence there as a threat, so it attacks me.
It really has become like something similar to a horror movie addiction, as I can't seem to stop doing it for some reason. However I don't know if what I'm doing is even safe. If it is what I think it is, could I be causing conflicts and disturbances in my subconscious that could possibly lead to my own mind attacking me, also when I'm fully awake? I surely should bring this up with my therapist, as she might have an idea what this could be categorised as, and maybe also tell me if it could be dangerous if I kept at it.
It's so incredibly intense, really like nothing else. And although it's scary as fuck, it's also very fascinating and amazing to experience. No I don't take any drugs to make this happen. Sometimes I've been on my regular medications or had a bit of alcohol but that's it. No illegal scary stuff that could mess up my brain. And when I did this this morning, I had only taken my current dose of 75 mg Tegretol which is the only medication I'm on these days, and had 3 drinks of vanilla vodka and coca-cola which I had already sobered up from. I really don't think any of that could in some way "cause" such a reaction. It's beyond that.
Maybe it's some kind of very deep meditation, for all I know. I'm basically completely clueless as to what I should call this. Google can't help me... again. Are my problems really that fucking rare, or what?! Or if it even is a problem, I don't know. It could also be that my subconscious isn't trying to attack me because it doesn't want me in there, but because of all the massive amounts of pain and fear that lives there, due to all the shit I've been through in my life. All that I've been bottling up. Maybe it does want me there, but it's just so fucked up that it attacks me out of pure fear? After all, it let's me in. I ask to be invited.
My goal has always been for me to one day not be scared when I'm in there, but if I want to continue with this, I could take it a step further, and attempt to heal it. Love it, care for it, comfort it. I really did do the opposite of that this morning, unfortunately. I realise now I shouldn't have done that, attacked it back. I'm so sorry. I'll be a lot more kind next time. Maybe I could be onto something with this, that maybe it's not really dangerous at all, if I change my agenda like that, it could maybe possibly even be a good thing?
I am definitely willing to try it. I've been at it enough times now to know what to generally expect. It's always a distorted version of the actual room that I am in, and there's one more person, or thing, with me there. It's been you, Anna, my mother, my sister, my best friend, people I haven't been able to place, and then also a lot of indistinguishable "monsters" that don't even look human. They always attack me, torture me (tear my skin off with hands or claws, bite me, or attack me with various weapons such as knives, saws, baseball bats, etc), scream at me, dismember me and what more. I clearly get the message that what I'm actually facing is myself, and that part of me is very scared and feels very threatened. Like a cornered, wild animal, attacking in self defense. I can't abandon that part of myself who is essentially trapped in there. I have to help that me, any way I possibly can.
Yes it's horrible to experience being attacked so brutally by such a damaged part of myself, but I think there's definitely a reason as to why I keep going back to that, over and over again. I'm drawn to it for a reason, and it's not cause I somehow like being tortured. No, I feel for that me, and I don't want to leave him. I want to heal him, or at least try my very best to be a comfort. Damn, I'm crying. I found something very precious deep within myself. A treasure. And I should treat it as that.
Only got barely 3 hours of sleep this morning cause I tried to get my ass to school but felt way too nauseous and headachy for that to be possible, and I dreamed so much weird shit during those 3 hours. I had to ask my subconscious to "drag me down" into the unknown darkness in there as that was the only way I could "sleep". I still don't know what I'm actually doing when I do that, as it doesn't feel like falling asleep at all. And it always brings me to the same place, where the same kind of scene plays out.
My best guesses would be that it could possibly be some kind of trance, an out of body experience of sorts, or even self-hypnosis for that matter. I have to be in a certain state of mind for it to work, a very weakened state, but physical tiredness is not enough. It has to be rather extreme exhaustion as well. It can't happen by itself, I need to push myself into it for it to work. I usually do form the thought "I want you to bring me down" directed towards my subconscious mind, which kinda works as a switch that starts the process. It does feel very scary, like I'm being pulled away from reality or sucked into a black hole, upon request. I can also imagine it could be compared to taking some kind of drug, although nothing that I've tried so far, only from what I've heard about drug trips gone wrong.
It starts with a tingling sensation in my entire body, like when a body part "falls asleep" but all over. It gradually intensifies as I also become less and less able to move any part of my body, until I lose consciousness and shift into a very disturbing nightmare world. I can't really time it, but I think that process takes about a couple of minutes to fully complete. I do think that what I'm actually doing, is tapping right into the core of my subconscious mind, and it's very dark and nasty in there. I think it could be though, that the reason as to why I always get so incredibly scared of what I find in there, is because I ask to end up somewhere I'm not supposed to be. And that basically that part of my mind views my presence there as a threat, so it attacks me.
It really has become like something similar to a horror movie addiction, as I can't seem to stop doing it for some reason. However I don't know if what I'm doing is even safe. If it is what I think it is, could I be causing conflicts and disturbances in my subconscious that could possibly lead to my own mind attacking me, also when I'm fully awake? I surely should bring this up with my therapist, as she might have an idea what this could be categorised as, and maybe also tell me if it could be dangerous if I kept at it.
It's so incredibly intense, really like nothing else. And although it's scary as fuck, it's also very fascinating and amazing to experience. No I don't take any drugs to make this happen. Sometimes I've been on my regular medications or had a bit of alcohol but that's it. No illegal scary stuff that could mess up my brain. And when I did this this morning, I had only taken my current dose of 75 mg Tegretol which is the only medication I'm on these days, and had 3 drinks of vanilla vodka and coca-cola which I had already sobered up from. I really don't think any of that could in some way "cause" such a reaction. It's beyond that.
Maybe it's some kind of very deep meditation, for all I know. I'm basically completely clueless as to what I should call this. Google can't help me... again. Are my problems really that fucking rare, or what?! Or if it even is a problem, I don't know. It could also be that my subconscious isn't trying to attack me because it doesn't want me in there, but because of all the massive amounts of pain and fear that lives there, due to all the shit I've been through in my life. All that I've been bottling up. Maybe it does want me there, but it's just so fucked up that it attacks me out of pure fear? After all, it let's me in. I ask to be invited.
My goal has always been for me to one day not be scared when I'm in there, but if I want to continue with this, I could take it a step further, and attempt to heal it. Love it, care for it, comfort it. I really did do the opposite of that this morning, unfortunately. I realise now I shouldn't have done that, attacked it back. I'm so sorry. I'll be a lot more kind next time. Maybe I could be onto something with this, that maybe it's not really dangerous at all, if I change my agenda like that, it could maybe possibly even be a good thing?
I am definitely willing to try it. I've been at it enough times now to know what to generally expect. It's always a distorted version of the actual room that I am in, and there's one more person, or thing, with me there. It's been you, Anna, my mother, my sister, my best friend, people I haven't been able to place, and then also a lot of indistinguishable "monsters" that don't even look human. They always attack me, torture me (tear my skin off with hands or claws, bite me, or attack me with various weapons such as knives, saws, baseball bats, etc), scream at me, dismember me and what more. I clearly get the message that what I'm actually facing is myself, and that part of me is very scared and feels very threatened. Like a cornered, wild animal, attacking in self defense. I can't abandon that part of myself who is essentially trapped in there. I have to help that me, any way I possibly can.
Yes it's horrible to experience being attacked so brutally by such a damaged part of myself, but I think there's definitely a reason as to why I keep going back to that, over and over again. I'm drawn to it for a reason, and it's not cause I somehow like being tortured. No, I feel for that me, and I don't want to leave him. I want to heal him, or at least try my very best to be a comfort. Damn, I'm crying. I found something very precious deep within myself. A treasure. And I should treat it as that.
Solution of sorts
I really need a drink just to cope with this. My heart won't calm down and it feels like there's more acid than usually in my stomach, seeping out. I've known about it for a few days already, but I guess writing it down and posting it on my blog somehow made it more real. I know I'm disconnecting from it, somewhat tuning out and shutting down. Like I know I just can't deal with it. How does anyone deal with such a messed up situation? I literally can't protect myself from her in any way.
I don't see it as that just because Anna is against me transitioning and wanting to harm me when I've gotten SRS - as that somehow meaning that a part of me is against transitioning. I've always known it might have been different if I had never split, however the fact that I did doesn't make my transsexualism any less real to me. Anna is indeed a part of me, but that part of me is entirely disconnected from my core and has always been for the past 19 years of my life. It isn't reasonable to think that us merging could ever happen and even if it would be possible... that's not the kind of person I'd ever want to be. So I'd opt out of it anyway.
The only thing I can see myself wanting in this is to be able to work with her, somehow make her more human and reasonable, and less of an insane monster. Another option I wouldn't say no to, if it even could be an option, would be to have her erased somehow. Yes, kill that part of me, if it would be possible. But somehow I doubt that it would. But I do think it could at least maybe work to find ways to have her still around but not as much of a danger to me, although I most certainly don't think it would be easy at all to achieve. It's still something I want to pursue and try very hard to achieve. Could she ever change? I don't know.
Whoever I could have been if the split hadn't happened, it can't be of my concern, cause that's simply not the reality that I'm living in. I've always had to put my own needs and wishes above Anna's, cause giving into her needs and wishes has only proven to be disastrous. It fuels her "power" and she uses that to break me more. Yes, I go against and basically fight myself, but this is especially tricky because of how violent and dangerous she is.
If I let her lose... I have no doubt I would be putting more people than just myself in danger. I have no doubts she'd ruin lives if I'd be more allowing of switches. My friends, family members, possibly even acquaintances. They'd all be at considerable risks. Anyone she'd view as a threat. So is it better then, to suffocate her by not letting her surface, at the risk of my own safety? Well, I still know that I haven't been able to stop her from surfacing when that's been what she's wanted, all I can really do is talking her out of it, reminding her of consequences and pleading.
But the thing is, I can't know for sure that this hasn't already happened and I'm just not aware of it. Just because I'm aware of 3 switches certainly doesn't have to mean that I've always been aware of all switches that have occurred. And if it actually was her, back when I was 9... I do think that might be just enough for me to know what she's capable of. For fuck's sake, I don't know what to do.
I don't want anything more than I want my SRS, but knowing that by the time it's done she might very likely cause significant, irreparable harm to me... I can't think clearly. Of course it's worth it, there's no doubt about it, but it doesn't take away this nearly paralysing fear. I need to think of a solution, without telling any doctors, not even remotely hinting at it... this is a damn tricky dilemma, for sure. What would anyone else do if they were in my shitty situation? How can I find another such person anywhere in the entire world? I'm lost.
Okay I did think of something just now as I was out for a cigarette, and why didn't I think of this before?! I'll just run head first into psychiatry as soon as freaking possible after my SRS. Begging, pleading, anything, literally anything. If I still think it's even remotely possible she will still go through with that then. It could still just be some kind of scare tactic though. One that's working pretty damn well, but not fully cause I'll still go through with the surgery no matter what. Having figured out at least one possible solution does give me some sense of relief. But I'm not exactly breathing out yet.
Why? Well, I know that I'd have to stay at the hospital, more or less bed-ridden, for the first week right after. During that time there most likely can't be any running head first into psychiatry. That week I don't know how to deal with this. However if shit gets heated between me and Anna or just if my worry is still present even the first day after surgery, I do think it would still be an option for me to reach out to the staff there. They can't possibly undo the operation, but surely they wouldn't exactly be thrilled about me having kept that fear and my situation secret. However that's not any concern of mine.
All I know is that that operation needs to happen no matter what, then I'll deal with the consequences of having gone through with it. I don't give a single fuck about any hospital staff being very pissed at me for my lies and manipulation. Yes I use them to my advantage. Yes I'm probably also putting their careers at risk. This lack of empathy really is neat sometimes. Although I am still somewhat careful about how I decide to make use of it.
Meaning I'm still very hesitant to use it on people that are close to me or care about me, like friends and family, even teachers and classmates to some degree. However, when it comes to mental health care providers, I'm not so restricted. Never have been, having had empathy or not. Sure it has crossed my mind that I could potentially be putting their careers at risk, which could lead to me even fucking up their private and personal lives as well, when all they wanted was to help me and do their jobs. I know it's very unethical and immoral of me, perhaps even evil. But in my world, they're there to serve me. They don't need me, I need them.
And although me wrecking their lives might even cause me to feel bad, I'm sure I will still not regret having done it, if it really did improve my own situation. However, I can't possibly be certain that my surgeon or the trans team in Huddinge could be charged with some kind of malpractice due to not having seen it coming that they should never have treated me in the first place. I don't know how much the state would blame the specialists more or less responsible for my case for what would be considered "a mistake". If it would come to that.
I think just me being aware of the possibility that they would never consider an untreated DID person a legit transsexual isn't completely unreasonable. Sure, many people with some kind of DID have cross-gender alters, it's actually pretty common, but I do think it's kinda significant that I only have one alter and that one just happens to be very much female. That, I think, would make any health care professional think of me as not male enough for a transsexualism diagnosis. They're pretty strict about that. Though of course, during the tests I took when they investigated/tested for my gender identity, I only considered my part of my two personalities, and sure I did get my diagnosis. Back in spring 2010.
It's interesting that I'm firmly against non-binary gender identities (although I don't want to get into exactly why as of now, it's not relevant to this), but still am very aware of that it's very likely that I would have considered myself non-binary if I hadn't split. At least it's a solid theory that I've always had in the back of my mind. I know I didn't start to actually feel that I'm male until after my split. My theory, in more detail, is that I was pretty much 50-50 male/female before the split, but that after it, I got the male part and Anna got the female part. However, I'm also aware of that I wanted a male body already sometime around age 7, which was 2 years before the split. So no, I don't think it's certain that I wouldn't have been trans if I hadn't split, it is just a theory.
That's what I thought. No way the doctors would allow me to have SRS as it is now if I'd let them know. Found an article online. Said if they'd know about a person with DID seeking gender reassignment, they would require for either integration (merging of all alters and core personality) or for all personalities to agree on gender reassignment before even considering letting them go through with it. So yeah, I'll keep my mouth so fucking shut about it for as long as I need to.
However if my reveal would freak the doctors out so to the point they would refuse to prescribe me more testosterone... I think really the only thing I could do in that case is to refuse taking estrogen (since I will have had a full hysterectomy by then, meaning me being without testo and refusing estro would put my health at risk, not being able to physically produce sufficient amounts of either hormone on my own, however that's not my reason for wanting a hysterectomy) and foolishly hope they'll eventually cave in and give me back my testo. I don't have much of a choice but to take that risk. My choices basically stand between risking fucking up my hormone levels like that, and risking something much, much worse.
Okay I'm much calmer now. Don't know it's the booze or my solution sinking in (I've had about 2 drinks), but I do feel much more calm now regardless. I know probably a whole lot of people, although I can't say for sure which ones, would think of it as an incredibly bad idea for me to keep up my lies and go through with SRS despite this incredibly dangerous situation, but I will never ever let anything stop me from going through with it. It's that important. I'd rather take any and every risk possible than opt out of it or wait another 8 years. But I do think that me fully intending to seek any help and every possible kind of help available as soon as possible after the operation, is reasonable for me. Then I'm done compromising.
I won't be holding anything back then, even though knowing that Anna surely won't like me revealing all that stuff. And I will push as hard as I can for my therapist, or even nurses at the hospital, to help me with this. I'm not concerned with the amounts of how pathetic it will make me feel, pleading and begging for any help possibly available. I'd even literally kneel if that would be necessary. Cause I know, that no matter how seriously I take myself and how much self respect I have, this is fucking serious. And there's absolutely no way that I'll ignore this and just "hope for the best". No fucking way.
I know I need to take action, the sooner the better, but I also know that Anna won't do anything before me having gone through with that operation. That is definitely certain. I know I can't trust her most of the time, but on this I'm sure that I can. Her plan is very precise, and entails this: she won't do anything as long as I look the way I do now, but after having gone through the surgery, she says she will do it.
I do know her pretty well, and I can always tell when she's trying to deceive me these days, meaning, I can read her thoughts and not just hear what she's saying, as well as sense any amount of insecurity or conflict within her. In that sense I do have a fair amount of power over her. Sometimes she does say things, but her thoughts say something else and me noticing that always puts her in an awkward "oh crap" -situation. She knows perfectly well that she can't hide her true intentions from me, just as much as it goes the other way around.
I have 5 layers of "voices" in my head. 1) my own conscious thoughts 2) Anna's voice 3) my own "unwanted" or impulsive thoughts, those that pop up in an underlying layer and I have no control over 4) Anna's unwanted or impulsive thoughts, the one's that she has no control over and 5) a very vague layer of even deeper subconscious thoughts that are more closely related to some kind of "hunches" or initial reflexes, that I don't know for sure if they're my own entirely or a mix of mine and Anna's.
However, layer 4 that I listed are definitely the most important key for me to be able to get through to Anna, as that is essentially her unfiltered, most real and sincere aspects that she can't hide from me. I wasn't even aware of that part of her until somewhere around 5-6 years ago or so. But it's very certain that those are indeed her thoughts and not something from my part of our personality. They are very easy for me to distinguish from my own such thoughts, meaning layer 3.
Yeah it's pretty damn chaotic in my head, but I can definitely categorise the shit going on in there into those 5 layers. But of course, the first 2 layers make up about 90% of all the activity in our mind though. With that said however, it was her underlying, sincere thoughts, that told me about what she's planning to do to me. I'm sure she didn't intend for me to find out about it quite that way (she still very much wants to just ignore that I can literally read her mind, she does somehow underestimate me a lot). But, that makes me even more scared. If it had been her actually telling me about her fucked up plans with her conscious voice, I wouldn't have been nearly as scared as I am now.
Because, as I hope you might know by now, I do trust that 4th layer a lot more than her actual, intended voice, and when I got to know about this from her unintended voice, then got it confirmed, of course I freaked out. The world did start moving slower, nearly stopped. Having lived with her for almost 2 decades now, I have learned when to trust my instincts in regards to her plans/threats. I know it's real this time. She's not joking around. She didn't even mean for me to find out. But I did.
So I really don't think I'm overreacting. If anything I find it odd that I'm not having a stronger reaction. I guess maybe I'm just dulled by all the darkness that it's difficult for me to connect to my own sense of self. And me not wanting for it to be true. So I just halfway accept it and know I need to act on it, but also halfway not being able to take it in. Like I'm somehow shifting rapidly between "what the fuck!" and "huh?" as I remain conflicted between emotion and intellect. But I focus on my intellect mostly, cause whether or not my emotions are on board, I do know that this I really shouldn't discard.
Doesn't matter if she'll actually do it or not, the fact that there is a significant risk that she will is more than enough. Yeah, I guess I can "take" her raping me, but her causing me permanent disfigurement, that's definitely crossing the line. She is all of my fears combined.
I have always thought that our fights are between us, but I've also always known that there might come day when I'll just have no other option than to reach out to others. No, of course I don't think the psychiatry would just believe me right away, nor do I think they'll have any immediate solutions, but if anyone could ever help me, I think it would be them. Especially those specialised in DID or similar diagnoses. I don't give a fuck about who could eventually help me, as long as someone, anyone could. Really am not picky about that.
I know it will, after SRS, come to that kind of point where I'll reach out to literally anyone, revealing myself completely vulnerable, not holding back at all anymore. I'm far more scared of my own damn disconnected self than of being that vulnerable. I haven't lost our war, I haven't completely given in yet. And I never will.
I don't see it as that just because Anna is against me transitioning and wanting to harm me when I've gotten SRS - as that somehow meaning that a part of me is against transitioning. I've always known it might have been different if I had never split, however the fact that I did doesn't make my transsexualism any less real to me. Anna is indeed a part of me, but that part of me is entirely disconnected from my core and has always been for the past 19 years of my life. It isn't reasonable to think that us merging could ever happen and even if it would be possible... that's not the kind of person I'd ever want to be. So I'd opt out of it anyway.
The only thing I can see myself wanting in this is to be able to work with her, somehow make her more human and reasonable, and less of an insane monster. Another option I wouldn't say no to, if it even could be an option, would be to have her erased somehow. Yes, kill that part of me, if it would be possible. But somehow I doubt that it would. But I do think it could at least maybe work to find ways to have her still around but not as much of a danger to me, although I most certainly don't think it would be easy at all to achieve. It's still something I want to pursue and try very hard to achieve. Could she ever change? I don't know.
Whoever I could have been if the split hadn't happened, it can't be of my concern, cause that's simply not the reality that I'm living in. I've always had to put my own needs and wishes above Anna's, cause giving into her needs and wishes has only proven to be disastrous. It fuels her "power" and she uses that to break me more. Yes, I go against and basically fight myself, but this is especially tricky because of how violent and dangerous she is.
If I let her lose... I have no doubt I would be putting more people than just myself in danger. I have no doubts she'd ruin lives if I'd be more allowing of switches. My friends, family members, possibly even acquaintances. They'd all be at considerable risks. Anyone she'd view as a threat. So is it better then, to suffocate her by not letting her surface, at the risk of my own safety? Well, I still know that I haven't been able to stop her from surfacing when that's been what she's wanted, all I can really do is talking her out of it, reminding her of consequences and pleading.
But the thing is, I can't know for sure that this hasn't already happened and I'm just not aware of it. Just because I'm aware of 3 switches certainly doesn't have to mean that I've always been aware of all switches that have occurred. And if it actually was her, back when I was 9... I do think that might be just enough for me to know what she's capable of. For fuck's sake, I don't know what to do.
I don't want anything more than I want my SRS, but knowing that by the time it's done she might very likely cause significant, irreparable harm to me... I can't think clearly. Of course it's worth it, there's no doubt about it, but it doesn't take away this nearly paralysing fear. I need to think of a solution, without telling any doctors, not even remotely hinting at it... this is a damn tricky dilemma, for sure. What would anyone else do if they were in my shitty situation? How can I find another such person anywhere in the entire world? I'm lost.
Okay I did think of something just now as I was out for a cigarette, and why didn't I think of this before?! I'll just run head first into psychiatry as soon as freaking possible after my SRS. Begging, pleading, anything, literally anything. If I still think it's even remotely possible she will still go through with that then. It could still just be some kind of scare tactic though. One that's working pretty damn well, but not fully cause I'll still go through with the surgery no matter what. Having figured out at least one possible solution does give me some sense of relief. But I'm not exactly breathing out yet.
Why? Well, I know that I'd have to stay at the hospital, more or less bed-ridden, for the first week right after. During that time there most likely can't be any running head first into psychiatry. That week I don't know how to deal with this. However if shit gets heated between me and Anna or just if my worry is still present even the first day after surgery, I do think it would still be an option for me to reach out to the staff there. They can't possibly undo the operation, but surely they wouldn't exactly be thrilled about me having kept that fear and my situation secret. However that's not any concern of mine.
All I know is that that operation needs to happen no matter what, then I'll deal with the consequences of having gone through with it. I don't give a single fuck about any hospital staff being very pissed at me for my lies and manipulation. Yes I use them to my advantage. Yes I'm probably also putting their careers at risk. This lack of empathy really is neat sometimes. Although I am still somewhat careful about how I decide to make use of it.
Meaning I'm still very hesitant to use it on people that are close to me or care about me, like friends and family, even teachers and classmates to some degree. However, when it comes to mental health care providers, I'm not so restricted. Never have been, having had empathy or not. Sure it has crossed my mind that I could potentially be putting their careers at risk, which could lead to me even fucking up their private and personal lives as well, when all they wanted was to help me and do their jobs. I know it's very unethical and immoral of me, perhaps even evil. But in my world, they're there to serve me. They don't need me, I need them.
And although me wrecking their lives might even cause me to feel bad, I'm sure I will still not regret having done it, if it really did improve my own situation. However, I can't possibly be certain that my surgeon or the trans team in Huddinge could be charged with some kind of malpractice due to not having seen it coming that they should never have treated me in the first place. I don't know how much the state would blame the specialists more or less responsible for my case for what would be considered "a mistake". If it would come to that.
I think just me being aware of the possibility that they would never consider an untreated DID person a legit transsexual isn't completely unreasonable. Sure, many people with some kind of DID have cross-gender alters, it's actually pretty common, but I do think it's kinda significant that I only have one alter and that one just happens to be very much female. That, I think, would make any health care professional think of me as not male enough for a transsexualism diagnosis. They're pretty strict about that. Though of course, during the tests I took when they investigated/tested for my gender identity, I only considered my part of my two personalities, and sure I did get my diagnosis. Back in spring 2010.
It's interesting that I'm firmly against non-binary gender identities (although I don't want to get into exactly why as of now, it's not relevant to this), but still am very aware of that it's very likely that I would have considered myself non-binary if I hadn't split. At least it's a solid theory that I've always had in the back of my mind. I know I didn't start to actually feel that I'm male until after my split. My theory, in more detail, is that I was pretty much 50-50 male/female before the split, but that after it, I got the male part and Anna got the female part. However, I'm also aware of that I wanted a male body already sometime around age 7, which was 2 years before the split. So no, I don't think it's certain that I wouldn't have been trans if I hadn't split, it is just a theory.
That's what I thought. No way the doctors would allow me to have SRS as it is now if I'd let them know. Found an article online. Said if they'd know about a person with DID seeking gender reassignment, they would require for either integration (merging of all alters and core personality) or for all personalities to agree on gender reassignment before even considering letting them go through with it. So yeah, I'll keep my mouth so fucking shut about it for as long as I need to.
However if my reveal would freak the doctors out so to the point they would refuse to prescribe me more testosterone... I think really the only thing I could do in that case is to refuse taking estrogen (since I will have had a full hysterectomy by then, meaning me being without testo and refusing estro would put my health at risk, not being able to physically produce sufficient amounts of either hormone on my own, however that's not my reason for wanting a hysterectomy) and foolishly hope they'll eventually cave in and give me back my testo. I don't have much of a choice but to take that risk. My choices basically stand between risking fucking up my hormone levels like that, and risking something much, much worse.
Okay I'm much calmer now. Don't know it's the booze or my solution sinking in (I've had about 2 drinks), but I do feel much more calm now regardless. I know probably a whole lot of people, although I can't say for sure which ones, would think of it as an incredibly bad idea for me to keep up my lies and go through with SRS despite this incredibly dangerous situation, but I will never ever let anything stop me from going through with it. It's that important. I'd rather take any and every risk possible than opt out of it or wait another 8 years. But I do think that me fully intending to seek any help and every possible kind of help available as soon as possible after the operation, is reasonable for me. Then I'm done compromising.
I won't be holding anything back then, even though knowing that Anna surely won't like me revealing all that stuff. And I will push as hard as I can for my therapist, or even nurses at the hospital, to help me with this. I'm not concerned with the amounts of how pathetic it will make me feel, pleading and begging for any help possibly available. I'd even literally kneel if that would be necessary. Cause I know, that no matter how seriously I take myself and how much self respect I have, this is fucking serious. And there's absolutely no way that I'll ignore this and just "hope for the best". No fucking way.
I know I need to take action, the sooner the better, but I also know that Anna won't do anything before me having gone through with that operation. That is definitely certain. I know I can't trust her most of the time, but on this I'm sure that I can. Her plan is very precise, and entails this: she won't do anything as long as I look the way I do now, but after having gone through the surgery, she says she will do it.
I do know her pretty well, and I can always tell when she's trying to deceive me these days, meaning, I can read her thoughts and not just hear what she's saying, as well as sense any amount of insecurity or conflict within her. In that sense I do have a fair amount of power over her. Sometimes she does say things, but her thoughts say something else and me noticing that always puts her in an awkward "oh crap" -situation. She knows perfectly well that she can't hide her true intentions from me, just as much as it goes the other way around.
I have 5 layers of "voices" in my head. 1) my own conscious thoughts 2) Anna's voice 3) my own "unwanted" or impulsive thoughts, those that pop up in an underlying layer and I have no control over 4) Anna's unwanted or impulsive thoughts, the one's that she has no control over and 5) a very vague layer of even deeper subconscious thoughts that are more closely related to some kind of "hunches" or initial reflexes, that I don't know for sure if they're my own entirely or a mix of mine and Anna's.
However, layer 4 that I listed are definitely the most important key for me to be able to get through to Anna, as that is essentially her unfiltered, most real and sincere aspects that she can't hide from me. I wasn't even aware of that part of her until somewhere around 5-6 years ago or so. But it's very certain that those are indeed her thoughts and not something from my part of our personality. They are very easy for me to distinguish from my own such thoughts, meaning layer 3.
Yeah it's pretty damn chaotic in my head, but I can definitely categorise the shit going on in there into those 5 layers. But of course, the first 2 layers make up about 90% of all the activity in our mind though. With that said however, it was her underlying, sincere thoughts, that told me about what she's planning to do to me. I'm sure she didn't intend for me to find out about it quite that way (she still very much wants to just ignore that I can literally read her mind, she does somehow underestimate me a lot). But, that makes me even more scared. If it had been her actually telling me about her fucked up plans with her conscious voice, I wouldn't have been nearly as scared as I am now.
Because, as I hope you might know by now, I do trust that 4th layer a lot more than her actual, intended voice, and when I got to know about this from her unintended voice, then got it confirmed, of course I freaked out. The world did start moving slower, nearly stopped. Having lived with her for almost 2 decades now, I have learned when to trust my instincts in regards to her plans/threats. I know it's real this time. She's not joking around. She didn't even mean for me to find out. But I did.
So I really don't think I'm overreacting. If anything I find it odd that I'm not having a stronger reaction. I guess maybe I'm just dulled by all the darkness that it's difficult for me to connect to my own sense of self. And me not wanting for it to be true. So I just halfway accept it and know I need to act on it, but also halfway not being able to take it in. Like I'm somehow shifting rapidly between "what the fuck!" and "huh?" as I remain conflicted between emotion and intellect. But I focus on my intellect mostly, cause whether or not my emotions are on board, I do know that this I really shouldn't discard.
Doesn't matter if she'll actually do it or not, the fact that there is a significant risk that she will is more than enough. Yeah, I guess I can "take" her raping me, but her causing me permanent disfigurement, that's definitely crossing the line. She is all of my fears combined.
I have always thought that our fights are between us, but I've also always known that there might come day when I'll just have no other option than to reach out to others. No, of course I don't think the psychiatry would just believe me right away, nor do I think they'll have any immediate solutions, but if anyone could ever help me, I think it would be them. Especially those specialised in DID or similar diagnoses. I don't give a fuck about who could eventually help me, as long as someone, anyone could. Really am not picky about that.
I know it will, after SRS, come to that kind of point where I'll reach out to literally anyone, revealing myself completely vulnerable, not holding back at all anymore. I'm far more scared of my own damn disconnected self than of being that vulnerable. I haven't lost our war, I haven't completely given in yet. And I never will.
Monday, 13 February 2017
Illusion of choice
Did I know all this when I made my decision to prioritise my transition over dealing with Anna? No. I hadn't yet seen her darkest sides, I hadn't yet realised what me causing her dysphoria could possibly eventually lead to, I hadn't yet come to fear for my own safety from her. Now I do fear for the worst, while still firmly standing by my initial decision. Either choice could have been just as disastrous, knowing life wouldn't have been livable at all without transition. There was no choice, there never was.
All I can think of now is how to possibly protect myself from her. I don't know if that would be possible. I've never been able to prevent a switch before. Of course google is of absolutely no help as always. So damn useless. I don't know if it would be any point in asking around among people online, as it seems most people just simply refuse to give you any decent advice on how to deal with difficult alters and such if you say you can't tell a professional about your situation. They don't want to risk giving potentially harmful advice so that they're to blame in case shit goes wrong, which is understandable I guess. But might be worth a try anyway.
I know I shouldn't fear her, and she didn't tell me straight out what she's essentially planning on doing, but I sensed it and she confirmed it. I don't want to go into details, but it's not just about rape this time, she plans on going further than that. To permanent physical damage, something I wouldn't be able to fix. Mutilation. I know I can't back out of it, I know I can't let my fear stop me, can't let her stop me. I can't let her win.
However I strongly feel this isn't something I should just blatantly ignore either. No, I didn't see this coming, but I should have known, if I had just looked a little bit further than to my own nose. Of course it is a possibility that she's just threatening me with no actual intention of actually going through with it, but I don't think that's a risk I should be taking.
Yeah, I'm trying to be cool about it, I haven't yet reached full on panic. I need to figure this out, preferably without having to deal with panicking as well. And I ask her, this isn't just because of your dysphoria, right? In fact that isn't your main reason at all. You want to take away something very precious and necessary from me. Your intention is to subdue me, not to justify your own pain.
Sickening, yes, but that could actually be the slightly better of the two. Cause I think it would be easier to try to prevent her from harming me if she just wants to cause harm in order to subdue me - than if she would be acting upon a strong inner pain that takes over her. As far as I know, it's generally easier to reason with someone's thoughts than their feelings.
However I'm fully aware of how damn well nearly impossible it is for me, or anyone, to reason with her at all. She always has to have it her way, no matter how unrealistic or unreasonable it may be. I might have a chance though, if I can think of a better solution, a better offer, something she wouldn't be able to resist, and basically try to make a deal of some kind. Bargaining. However there would still be a very high risk that she'd accept the deal, take my offer and still go through with what she plans to. I can't trust her.
I feel hesitant posting this, but I needed to vent.
All I can think of now is how to possibly protect myself from her. I don't know if that would be possible. I've never been able to prevent a switch before. Of course google is of absolutely no help as always. So damn useless. I don't know if it would be any point in asking around among people online, as it seems most people just simply refuse to give you any decent advice on how to deal with difficult alters and such if you say you can't tell a professional about your situation. They don't want to risk giving potentially harmful advice so that they're to blame in case shit goes wrong, which is understandable I guess. But might be worth a try anyway.
I know I shouldn't fear her, and she didn't tell me straight out what she's essentially planning on doing, but I sensed it and she confirmed it. I don't want to go into details, but it's not just about rape this time, she plans on going further than that. To permanent physical damage, something I wouldn't be able to fix. Mutilation. I know I can't back out of it, I know I can't let my fear stop me, can't let her stop me. I can't let her win.
However I strongly feel this isn't something I should just blatantly ignore either. No, I didn't see this coming, but I should have known, if I had just looked a little bit further than to my own nose. Of course it is a possibility that she's just threatening me with no actual intention of actually going through with it, but I don't think that's a risk I should be taking.
Yeah, I'm trying to be cool about it, I haven't yet reached full on panic. I need to figure this out, preferably without having to deal with panicking as well. And I ask her, this isn't just because of your dysphoria, right? In fact that isn't your main reason at all. You want to take away something very precious and necessary from me. Your intention is to subdue me, not to justify your own pain.
Sickening, yes, but that could actually be the slightly better of the two. Cause I think it would be easier to try to prevent her from harming me if she just wants to cause harm in order to subdue me - than if she would be acting upon a strong inner pain that takes over her. As far as I know, it's generally easier to reason with someone's thoughts than their feelings.
However I'm fully aware of how damn well nearly impossible it is for me, or anyone, to reason with her at all. She always has to have it her way, no matter how unrealistic or unreasonable it may be. I might have a chance though, if I can think of a better solution, a better offer, something she wouldn't be able to resist, and basically try to make a deal of some kind. Bargaining. However there would still be a very high risk that she'd accept the deal, take my offer and still go through with what she plans to. I can't trust her.
I feel hesitant posting this, but I needed to vent.
A slight relief
I found the boy who abused me as a kid, on facebook, a few days ago or so. Or maybe it was a week ago. It was ridiculously easy to find him there as I did have his full name and a school photo of him as a child. Strange what kind of stuff I keep around in old diaries. No I haven't contacted him and I don't think I will. Yes, I'm absolutely sure that it's him. Rare surname, looks eerily familiar (also compared to the childhood photo), and is friends with some of my former classmates from the same school we went to as kids.
Well obviously he's an adult now, 26 years old. But still looks very similar except from the natural ageing of the past 19 years. I mean same sporty clothing style, same blonde buzz-cut. He's gotten some tattoos though, and in some of his most recent pictures on his profile he's holding a very young child. So maybe he's a father too. Not that I worry about that child's safety, cause somehow I doubt that he ever repeated what he did to me, and somehow I don't think he would repeat that on his own child, if it even is his child. Me not being friends with him on facebook makes me not being able to see his full profile.
I don't think I would want to befriend him there either, although I can't say that I would be against it. I don't blame him for what he did, other than that I hope he's at least aware of that he fucked up. I know he was just a kid at the time, so I know he most likely didn't realise the possible consequences of his violent actions. However I am curious about him, I admit that. And actually for some reason I hope his actions didn't ruin him, that he was able to move on. By the looks of it it seems that way, but there's so much that a bunch of selfies can't reflect about a person's life.
I know his life is none of my business, and that's why I have no intention of prying more than what's acceptable, meaning watching the parts of his facebook profile that he has chosen to make public. I'm not doing anything wrong with that, however I'm aware it could come off as creepy, but I don't care if anyone considers me creepy. That's not a crime, as far as I'm aware, and I have no wish to pretend to be something I am not. I'm not against some slight online stalking as long as I'm being considerate about it and don't go too far.
However if he would for some reason contact me, I'm sure I'd tell him everything. For some reason I want for him to know, the consequences of his actions, but I wouldn't consider taking the first step towards that. Maybe that is a little bit of the light I'm still holding onto: I don't want to fuck up his life by revealing that shit, but at the same time I do somehow think that I, as the victim, do have some kind of rights over him. Just as my victim in my eyes, has the same kind of rights over me. I'm not hypocritical, I'm being consistent with my logic on this. What applies to him does apply to me too, and everyone else in similar situations. Though I'm sure that my own logic isn't infallible just because it's consistent.
I don't always lurk at his profile, just casually looking around there every once in a while. Look at the recent photos of him. I don't feel much doing so, but a vague dizzying feeling, a faint mix of sadness, frustration and curiosity. Like very weak and slightly bitter lemonade that mostly just tastes like water. It's too vague for me to find it reasonable to act upon. However I'm aware that the feelings may increase over time, but perhaps that's not so likely.
I was a bit relieved when I found him. At least I could find one of my past abusers. Compared to the guy who raped me, who has been significantly more difficult to try to find. I've been searching for him for many years now, but have literally gotten nowhere at all. Sometimes I give up, but I always find myself being back at looking for him again, more desperately than the last time. So, that I was able to find my childhood abuser with literally just a mouse click on my computer, did give me some sense of relief, although far from a sufficient amount of it.
But yeah, he's still around, looks pretty much the same and it seems like his life isn't completely horrible, although I never thought that it would be. At least not because of what we shared in the past.
Well obviously he's an adult now, 26 years old. But still looks very similar except from the natural ageing of the past 19 years. I mean same sporty clothing style, same blonde buzz-cut. He's gotten some tattoos though, and in some of his most recent pictures on his profile he's holding a very young child. So maybe he's a father too. Not that I worry about that child's safety, cause somehow I doubt that he ever repeated what he did to me, and somehow I don't think he would repeat that on his own child, if it even is his child. Me not being friends with him on facebook makes me not being able to see his full profile.
I don't think I would want to befriend him there either, although I can't say that I would be against it. I don't blame him for what he did, other than that I hope he's at least aware of that he fucked up. I know he was just a kid at the time, so I know he most likely didn't realise the possible consequences of his violent actions. However I am curious about him, I admit that. And actually for some reason I hope his actions didn't ruin him, that he was able to move on. By the looks of it it seems that way, but there's so much that a bunch of selfies can't reflect about a person's life.
I know his life is none of my business, and that's why I have no intention of prying more than what's acceptable, meaning watching the parts of his facebook profile that he has chosen to make public. I'm not doing anything wrong with that, however I'm aware it could come off as creepy, but I don't care if anyone considers me creepy. That's not a crime, as far as I'm aware, and I have no wish to pretend to be something I am not. I'm not against some slight online stalking as long as I'm being considerate about it and don't go too far.
However if he would for some reason contact me, I'm sure I'd tell him everything. For some reason I want for him to know, the consequences of his actions, but I wouldn't consider taking the first step towards that. Maybe that is a little bit of the light I'm still holding onto: I don't want to fuck up his life by revealing that shit, but at the same time I do somehow think that I, as the victim, do have some kind of rights over him. Just as my victim in my eyes, has the same kind of rights over me. I'm not hypocritical, I'm being consistent with my logic on this. What applies to him does apply to me too, and everyone else in similar situations. Though I'm sure that my own logic isn't infallible just because it's consistent.
I don't always lurk at his profile, just casually looking around there every once in a while. Look at the recent photos of him. I don't feel much doing so, but a vague dizzying feeling, a faint mix of sadness, frustration and curiosity. Like very weak and slightly bitter lemonade that mostly just tastes like water. It's too vague for me to find it reasonable to act upon. However I'm aware that the feelings may increase over time, but perhaps that's not so likely.
I was a bit relieved when I found him. At least I could find one of my past abusers. Compared to the guy who raped me, who has been significantly more difficult to try to find. I've been searching for him for many years now, but have literally gotten nowhere at all. Sometimes I give up, but I always find myself being back at looking for him again, more desperately than the last time. So, that I was able to find my childhood abuser with literally just a mouse click on my computer, did give me some sense of relief, although far from a sufficient amount of it.
But yeah, he's still around, looks pretty much the same and it seems like his life isn't completely horrible, although I never thought that it would be. At least not because of what we shared in the past.
Friday, 10 February 2017
Glimpses
Anna says "You have a very fucking strange way of wanting "revenge". You basically want to reward him." and it's the realest thing ever. Do I really want to reward my rapist? Interesting thought.
I suddenly remember a dream I had while asleep this morning. I was getting to know/flirting with a cute and shy guy at some kind of collage/high school/whatever school and we started to really connect when his looks started to change. Flaking skin, or rather, it was makeup, slowly peeling off until it revealed a very disfigured person. Like a combination of some skin disease and extreme burn wounds all over. He cried and said that he was sure no one could ever love him and I felt a sinking in my heart as I couldn't either. I think I know what that dream means, it's very clear to me.
I suddenly remember a dream I had while asleep this morning. I was getting to know/flirting with a cute and shy guy at some kind of collage/high school/whatever school and we started to really connect when his looks started to change. Flaking skin, or rather, it was makeup, slowly peeling off until it revealed a very disfigured person. Like a combination of some skin disease and extreme burn wounds all over. He cried and said that he was sure no one could ever love him and I felt a sinking in my heart as I couldn't either. I think I know what that dream means, it's very clear to me.
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