Running wild

For how long can I do this, how long? I still "need" to lose more weight and it's been a year now and I still haven't reached my goal weight. So how much longer will I have to do this for? I miss pizza, chocolate and cookies, milk shake and ice cream.

And I hate walking and any kind of exercise and you know I only do it for that one reason. Not to be healthy cause anyone who knows me knows that health doesn't concern me. As long as I stay away from heavy drugs and alcoholism I really don't care what I do with my body or what happens to it. It's gonna wither away sooner or later anyway. Nothing lasts forever, certainly not our bodies.

Cause we're all gonna die from something, it's just a matter of what comes first. And I don't care if I die from some or all of my bad habits including being lazy as fuck. Sure it's good to stay in shape if that rocks your boat, but it just doesn't rock mine, you know what I mean? I'm only trying to be somewhat healthy to lose weight, that's all it's about. Eating vegetables and taking walks isn't exactly my cup of tea, but I do it anyway. Cause what else am I gonna do?

Frankly I'm getting tired of it by now. It's become a boring routine and I yearn to break out from it. But I just want to reach my goal this summer so that I won't ever have to think about it again. All I want to think about is to stay that way after. And that's the easy part, if you ask me. Yes I'm angry, I seriously didn't think it would take this long and I'm losing my patience. I've become lazier lately, skipped my walk for almost a week and ate some sweets around Midsummer's. Careful not to gain weight, but not so careful that I would lose any.

I don't know what to do, cause I don't think I can do this much longer. Five more kilos and then I'm done. Just five kilos, how hard can it be? I wish I could have one of those weeks again, when I just rapidly lose weight for no reason. These long periods of nothing happening are driving me crazy. If only I knew what to do. Thinking of going radical and run instead of walking. Running and starving intensively for just a week or two, see what happens. Desperate, so fucking desperate.

Like a reptile

So, it's obviously summer again but not warm enough for me to go swimming. I tend to be a bit too cold even in the summer, always wearing an extra layer of clothes. Some people think that I'm insecure and want to hide under my long sleeve shirts and full length pants, but it's not true. I'm not hiding, I don't care if people see my scars or comment on how very pale I am or whatever. I'm just too damn cold and when summer comes I can finally take off my extra thick sweaters and wear a thinner sweater instead.

I think I'm a reptile or something. Seriously, it needs to be so damn hot that normal human beings complain about heat stroke for me to walk around in just a t-shirt and shorts outdoors. This year I'm actually complaining about that fact. I want the heat stroke warning hot summer and I don't care if everyone dies like flies around me, I want hot weather!

Okay, enough complaining for now. So what's been up with me this past week? I seriously don't know, I just haven't had anything to write down, not even in my personal notebook. I've had thoughts, but just haven't been writing them down. Or anything for that matter. I miss K as usual, but it comes and goes as usual. Talked to him on the phone once, and damn it was nice hearing his voice! I'd like to talk to him again, but I'm not sure how to bring that up. Like hey, I miss your voice, can I call you? Nah, I don't know.

Celebrated Midsummer's with my family and ate too much for a few days but then I ate nothing (only had coffee, which by the way lessens my hunger a lot) for two days, so I made up for it. And I don't even want to eat sweets anymore, though this pizza craving that I've had for weeks now just won't go away. "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to give in for it" rings in my ear from the movie Dorian Gray that I tried to watch again a few days ago.

Anyways, just a "quick" update since I haven't been writing here for a little while again. I don't promise anything about future posts though. I take things as they come, even my writing, even anything.

Thoughts of tonight

21:32
Ugh, a lot of shit I have to take care of today. Clean the dishes, take out the trash, pack for visiting my family tomorrow and spending Midsummer's with them. I just don't want to leave this place in a mess before I go. I also don't quite know what to pack. What clothes to bring. I don't know if we'll have guests over and I don't want to be under dressed if so. I'll get right on to that in a moment, no rush really.

22:43
I still feel weird, like I'm actually somewhere else or like just deeper inside myself in some way. Though I'm not completely forgotten and unwanted and I know that, which is super sweet. I still miss K of course, and it feels like he's so far away. Which he is, and that might have something to do with me feeling that way.

00:25
There, finally finished with doing my hair. It took one and a half hour to bleach it the second round (first was yesterday) and then dye it with white toner, rinse and treat with conditioner. Now it's all white and nice for Midsummer's. Still haven't figured out exactly how long to leave the white toner in my hair. Had it in for 15 minutes this time and it got a little purple so I had to schampo it which took care of the problem. So maybe just 10 minutes next time. Damaged hair really tends to act like a sponge when it comes to hair dye.

I'm still pondering about what I'm gonna do with my hair by autumn/winter when it's grown out a bit. Shorter on one or both sides and add an extreme colour but can't figure out if I want blue or green with the white. Yes, I still want most of it to be white. Blue would look nice to keep this "frosty" look, but green would be nice cause I've never had green hair before and I kinda want to try it sometime. Maybe I could start with blue and later do it green instead if I want to, cause I think it would look better with blue.

I still want to have my hair rather short, I kinda like that now. I'll go with the long elvish hair later in my life. Though, with the first hairstyle I have in mind, I'll probably look even younger than I already do. That is a problem, haha.

Even in dreams

I dreamed about you, all night and all day. I slept for 16 hours because I couldn't stop dreaming about you. That's never happened before, I dreamed up a whole life with you in 16 hours while I was asleep. And I didn't want to wake up from it. Of course it was unrealistic, but we had moments that were fun, romantic, serious, we got children, we fought, we bought a house and sometime around there I woke up.

I can't recall everything from the dream, just glimpses and pieces. It must have been the longest dream I've ever had, even though I must have had some pauses of deep sleep here and there, but it always came back to continue the same dream. Isn't that odd? As if it could last forever.

Sleeping too much kinda fucked me up though. I'm shaking, it's hard to write and my head hurts. Can't really focus that well. I lose track of what I'm doing all the time. I'm trying to drink coffee and smoke my way back to the real world, but I can't stop thinking about the dream. The little toys in the work shop, the cupcakes that we made, when you stood up for me against some bullies, when I got jealous cause I thought you were cheating on me, when our child rode on your shoulders, the little trailer we lived in for a while, and so on.

And I'm getting drunk on Southern Comfort, though its sweetness is clinging to my throat in an uncomfortable way, it is a comfort. It's like I'm getting worse again and I can't stop it. Do I put like a lot of pressure on K, even though I'm not telling him that I crave him so much? Cause all of this, it's because I miss him, and I know that he's the only one that can save me. And despite what the old saying is, that no one can save you but yourself, it's not true, cause he really does save me.

And I do, hopelessly, believe that being with him, really being with him, would totally save me. Is that naive of me? I suppose it is, that my belief in real fairy tales is a bit wacky. And maybe that will someday ruin me. But I believe in him, I believe he is my soul mate, that we are connected on a deep level. And I think that's why I think he will save me, if he will ever be able to love me, that is.

Do you even think it's possible for me to make him fall in love with me? "Make" as in steer him in the right direction, let him see that I'm not just a mess and a failure, see the good sides of me as well, enough to let him know that I can be a good friend? Even loveable? That I charm him honesty and openness, I let him in, and even though I haven't told him absolutely everything, I let him know that I keep no secrets from him. If he asks me something, anything, I will truthfully answer. And I have so far.

Cause I doubt sometimes, thinking I'm just wasting his time and that all the effort I put in is just all for nothing. But also thinking that I will actually be surprised if he someday tells me I got it all wrong, that he's not even remotely interested and will never be. I'm scared of it, I fear it like nothing else. I'm so fucking scared that I don't think I'll be able to tell him my true intentions.

But also, I slowly get the sensation that I won't have to tell him. That things will happen when I see him in person and all my dreams will come true in a moment when we're alone together. A part of me actually believes that now, that it's possible. That it's not just wishful thinking, it can actually happen. Oh god, my dreams are killing me.

I've "known" him for over 4 years now, yet it's all so new to me. Like we didn't actually know each other until rather recently. So is he really an old or a new friend? I don't know, but I've certainly known who he is for a while now. I'm so obsessed this is actually harmful to me now. But what do I do about it? Obsess a little more...

Distortion

That when coldness doesn't bother me, I know since before that's not a good sign. I miss him, and I think that's why I've been acting strange today. Cause I have. Lots of anger outbursts, moments of joy and sadness, restlessness, tiredness and now this. Should probably just fix some tea or something. But I don't care. Neither does the hunger bother me. I've only eaten my chicken salad at around 14:00 today and usually I go crazy from the hunger that follows the night, but not tonight.

I'm trying to figure out what to do and distract myself in the meantime. Watching Buffy the tv-show and playing WoW almost simultaneously. Can't figure out what kind of music I want to hear. It's like an empty void massive around me, and only K can fill it. I don't demand it from him, hardly, I'm just pining a bit and wishing he was here instead of wherever.

I upped the heat a bit, but I really don't care. I'm wearing enough clothes for winter season, no chance in this hell I'd freeze to death in here. Probably just cold from not eating. Do I wanna get thin or not? I've been lazy recently and not lost a kilo in two weeks. I probably won't reach my goal unless I starve more and go running every day. Do you think I could get used to that, if I really tried? I don't know. I've never been good at running, it's just too painful. Like physically and mentally.

Unstable today, and nothing seems to help to even out my mood. My guess is that it's only gonna get worse, but I won't tell you why, just needed to vent a bit. I'm not ready for this. This act of self consciousness, it obliterates me. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think it might run deeper than I think. The words just sort of stream out of me. Until I know nothing more. Something's going on inside me, but I don't know what it is, not yet at least. And I recognise myself so much in Spike's attempts to get Buffy to love him, but he doesn't quite succeed and I just know that pain too fucking well.

Ghosts

Okay I don't know if my friend reads this, but they linked a website article about a shaman describing their religion's view on mental illness to the public on Facebook. In it it was explained that they believe mentally ill people are in contact with the spirit realm, beyond us and our perceived reality. I've always believed that too, even before I got to see/feel the presence of a lot of ghosts. I've always been sensitive, accepting of the idea of "more" beyond this reality ever since I was a child. *cough* (a psychotic child) *cough*

Though there are some things about it that doesn't quite fit it. Like how about my magic abilities? Is that also me connecting to the spirit realm, to my own gain? And also, myself aside, what about when spirits or entities tell other mentally ill people to harm themselves or others? Cause I have a hard time believing ghosts/spirits can be mean like that for no reason.

And a lot of Schizophrenics say the voices they hear are very critical of them, constantly commenting on negative things about them. I've read about that, it's not something I've made up, I promise. I've studied quite a lot about Schizophrenia and specifically about hearing voices. But also, studies aside, I've come to notice that some perceive their voices and hallucinations to be some form of spirits or ghosts.

So a lot of it points to the Shamans' belief to be considerable, yet I can't quite explain it all. But I do believe the visions and voices I get are from actual ghosts, cause in my case I think they are quite like such. Confusing, random, trying to get in contact with me in obscure ways almost to the point that I think they don't quite know how to get in contact with me.

When I was a kid, under 10 years old, I wanted to get in contact with ghosts. I wanted to help them, mostly, and also because I thought it would be cool. So you could probably say another one of my totally regretful wishes came true. Please be careful what you wish for, people, it can have dire consequences...

Anyhow, I think it is possible that I have gotten in contact with the spirit realm by now, that I'm somehow attuned enough to "let them in" or what to say cause this was hardly what I wanted. They scare the living shit out of me sometimes, and other times they're just confusing or even annoying. I upped Abilify because of this reason without telling anyone why, and this might sound strange, but I want to lower the dose again. I've thought it through.

I don't think this is the right way, I don't want to medicate this away. Besides, I miss hearing Satan. Quite obviously a hallucination, right? I don't care. Rather try to deal with it, get in contact with the ghosts instead of running scared away from them, if that makes any sense at all. I just want to understand and I think I'm strong enough to take it. Instead of telling them to leave me alone, I'm gonna ask them what they want. Taking pro tips from hollywood movies...

Seriously, can't help but thinking about "The sixth sense" about that boy who saw dead people. It's not quite like hollywood in my brain though. In hollywood movies the deal is like they see a huge fire almost to the point of it burning them, but all I see is a flickering flame in the corner of my eye. It's not quite visual for me, it's more of a strange feeling, and they play tricks on me. A slight change in the environment, in the atmosphere, strange sounds, cold winds, that kind of stuff.

Sometimes I get thrust into it deeper, as if I was pulled away somehow and it intensifies. The strange sounds in the wind becomes whispers, the coldness shifts between heat, the flickering in the corner of my eye becomes shadows stalking me. Vargyl, Satan and Anna talk a lot then. I think Anna too fears all this. I don't believe she is a ghost from the past, more likely that she is simply a part of me. That personality split thing, you know.

I have many things to deal with, much to put up with when it comes to mental illness. Just a little of this and that but together the symptoms add up to a total chaos. I've always said that I live in a dark chaos, almost to the point of my reality being a hell dimension or a living nightmare. I'm forced to be in it and I just want to figure out a way to live with it all. Not just the ghosts, but mainly they are my concern, since it's fairly new to me still. The hallucinations and delusions... they really tend to wear me out. Mostly because they're stressful and take up a lot of concentration.

I don't "feel" psychotic right now or for these last few weeks or so, but I still believe. I did some magic as recently as yesterday, for example. It was very windy, almost to the point of it being stormy, and I thought heck, why not try to do something about it? So I forcefully tried to stop the strong winds as I walked down to the grocery store. And it worked. Not like a charm perhaps, but it slowed down the winds to a tolerable level. I hope I didn't cause another hurricane or something in another country by doing so. It was a bit reckless and selfish thing to do.

I remembered that I could do that as a child, and also realised that I'm stronger now than ever, so it could work. But damn it drained me. I thought about "Buffy, the vampire slayer" the tv-show and especially Willow, whom was a witch in it. And it bothered me how very incorrect it was, like how could she perform such strong magic without getting totally drained? Getting stuck on the hollywood ideas of my own tacky delusions again...

I'm not that strong, I'm quite a mess only peeking out from my eternal darkness of damnation, of course I get drained from trying to stop a storm. I'm quite obsessed with changing my life right now. The weight loss, the transgender related stuff, my health, my acne, selling my soul to Satan for a perfect body and luck in love, and I try to empower my magic abilities. Still improving my language skills, drawing and writing like crazy. You could say that I'm pretty busy these days. I might not be able to go to School or hold a job, but I'm pretty sure I'm starting to get a hang of that thing about living and not just surviving.

So... where was I going with this? Oh yes, spirits and ghosts. I think I need to get in better contact with them. Not saying I will stop my medication entirely, cause I honestly don't think I would survive that, but to lower the dosage just a notch and try to be a bit more receptive to the world beyond that obviously wants something from me.

But wait a second, how can they be real if I can medicate them away? Simple, the medication makes me sort of develop a shell from my sensitivity and therefore making me less receptive to their presence. But I wanna get more receptive again, and maybe find out more about it. Try to not be so frightened and just give it a try. Bad idea? No, I think I'm ready. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? I'll just up the dosage again. They can't harm me anyways, only I can, and I won't. Promise.

From afar

I think I'm finally getting a hang of this hangover now. I got so fucking wasted two night ago, haven't felt like that in a long time. Seriously, I was so drunk I couldn't even write. Think I got a little dash of dyslexia there. Finally I had some fun, from afar, if that makes any sort of sense. Had some web camming or what to say, with a couple of friends. It was kinda close to awesome. I've missed being around awesome people even if it's "just" over web cam. I don't have any high standards or anything, but I figure most of my friends do.

Cause I'm not stupid, I know why you never call and maybe I don't for the same reason. Like what would we talk about anyway? We barely even chat online anymore. I've been isolating a lot lately, but more lately I've been starting to crawl out from my shell again. Perhaps you've noticed that I tag along in Facebook conversations and that I'm happy if you message me.

But... (there's always a but), I'm not quite ready to take on the whole world just yet. I'm still shy, hesitant and introverted. Slightly misanthropic too. And then there's just one person that I really want to be with. But how would you know? I still haven't told anyone, so to you it could be anyone.

The world out there is still such a cruel place, and I still prefer my own little world. The one I built up on broken dreams, fragile hopes that touch the stars, nightmares, hallucinations, delusions and loneliness. What a world to prefer, huh? I didn't say I like it. Worlds like mine aren't choices, they chose me. And I believe they did that for a reason, whether I like them or not.

I didn't think I'd be jealous, but I kinda am. He's not even mine but still I fear that someone else will take him from me. I took such pride in never being jealous even in the trickiest situations before, so I hate that I feel this way now, but now I understand how other people must be feeling when they're jealous in love. That it's like a form of fear, that everything would be ruined if someone new or old would come along and change things. What never was might never be in the future.

But my hopes are still up, and I notice vague signs, or even hints from him. It could be, if it's not just wishful thinking, or that I might be angling his words to my liking or something. I hope I don't, but it would be subconsciously if I happen to do that. But I think it's possible that he's showing some kind of interest. It's not just wishful thinking to say that we have grown closer to each other during this past month. That can't all be for nothing, right? Though I can never know for sure, until I know for sure, that is.

I won't ever finish this blog entry, seriously I've been at it for two days now. Slowly giving up, so I'll just post it to get rid of it now.