I made it almost a week without purging, then sadness came and I'm screwed. Cigarette break is over. I stare blankly ahead of me. I just purged. I purged so hard I never have before. Blood in my vomit. I'm a disaster. I feel wrecked, ruined, torn in pieces. I did this to myself. Is eating disorder a choice...?
"I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul"
Hurts, it does. Mentally and physically. But I don't have control. Not that much, at least. Now trying to restore the fluid balance by drinking lots of water. I will soon go out for a walk. I'll walk around the school and around the grocery store, I'll walk until I fucking die, to burn off the last remaining calories of what I binged on.
And I can still taste it, that pie. My throat is so sore right now, but drinking water helps a bit. Just got back home from my walk. I burned 586 calories through walking today. That puts my net calories below the daily calorie limit, no matter if that pie was 600 or 700 calories. I should feel good that I somehow managed it anyway, but all I feel is sad and empty. Hopeless and lost. Despondent.
There was blood in my vomit and I think I should react more to it than I do. At least I think I should react at all. I just don't even care. That could be dangerous, but I probably just tore something up with my finger nails. They're a little too long. That, or I purged too hard. I really forced it out of me, just had to get up as much of it as I could. Bad idea, I know.
I could never purge in a public restroom, or even at my family's place. I'm way too loud and I look like a mess afterwards. It's 4:00 am, I should be in bed. Just took my meds. They were hard to swallow. K is still lingering in my mind, and so is everything else. Just lingering. I hope I won't have gained by the morning, I know it would only be food weight or water weight, but I'd still scream and throw the scale around in frustration.
Depends on how high the number is too. I'll freak out if it's above 63, but probably not if it's not. Then just sigh and put on my baggy clothes. Cause school needs to happen. I need to get this off my mind, if I possibly can. I might get reminded of it again though, if classmates start talking about food and weight loss again. It's so fucking triggering.
Wow, I relapsed so fucking hard, didn't I? I can feel it breaking me. Now everything at once. I restrict, fast, binge, purge and take insane walks to burn off calories. All at once, I don't know how to breathe. My thoughts aren't coherent, so I mostly let Anna speak for me right now. She tells me sentences and I judge if it's good to write down here or not. She feels what I feel after all.
And I can't even sleep now that I'm physically exhausted from that walk. I have to give it a try. I've drank 4 or 5 glasses of water since I purged, that's gotta be enough. I'll just leave this here and hope I won't cause a storm of worry. I have to put it behind me so that I can invite a new day and start fresh again.
Tuesday, 6 October 2015
Remorse
I have been so cruel, so very cruel you can't imagine. I hope you can't, for your sake. I still don't think I'm quite a sociopath either, although I do strongly believe I have some strong traits of that condition. Cause it's not normal at all to lie and deceive like I do, it's definitely not normal to commit a sex crime at the age of 9. Or that... I really hope isn't normal. For the sake of humanity if not else. I was born wrong, I grew up wrong. And I was shaped from then on, I don't think I could have come out anything else than a mess as an adult with a childhood like that.
Would I, could I ever say it out loud, that I've committed a sex crime? In any situation, I mean. What would people think of me, what would K think of me, if he ever got to know? What would my best friend think? My mother? I've kept it from literally everyone I know thus far but I think, that little by little I somehow come to accept it. That I was too young to understand what I was doing, I literally had no idea what so ever.
And does it matter that I was raised as female? Perhaps some of you forgot that in all this mess. Cause a young boy doing something like that is just plain awful, but society would still be able to understand it. But a young girl? Or well, I wasn't technically a girl even then, but that was how society thought of me, saw me and raised me as. I don't blame my gender for what I did. I don't really blame it on anything, but sometimes I think about that. That I was entirely female bodied and still managed to do such a thing, a thing so common in male culture, if you can phrase it like that.
Of course, of bloody course there are female sex offenders too, that's not what I'm saying. Good riddens no! I'm only saying it's not as common and no ever expects a female or a female bodied person to do any such things. It's culture and it's this fucked up society. When it all comes down to it, we're all human beings to at least some degree no matter what gender we are. And maybe we all have that somewhere inside us, the possibility, I mean, to commit any kind of crime. I do think so, that the darkness hangs over all of us and it's just different from person to person how it affects us.
I'm trying to look at it somewhat objectively. That I did something incredibly wrong by human standards and the only reason I even mention my gender is because that's even more taboo and unexpected. I hope you understand that, and that you can see my point of view. Anyone can commit any kind of crime, I'm just trying to tell you my own story and my own thoughts about it. How it's affected me over these last 17 years.
It's something I always have to live with, and very few days pass without me thinking "what have I done?" especially when I look straight into the eyes of my victim. Yeah, I still see them, I still know them, I have to. And it just stabs me in the heart, cause I'm also pretty sure they can't remember anything from that event. They were too young and I was too cruel. Maybe it's best they don't remember, for their sake, and that's one of the reasons I don't want to just start telling people about this.
Honestly I can't know for sure what would be best for them, but I'm always feeling uneasy in their presence. I would never hurt them again, that's for fucking sure, but I am always always so cautious. I'm afraid I might even be too cautious and that they'll some day ask what the fuck is wrong with me. But another fact is that I still blame myself for them being asexual too.
I feel like I've destroyed so much. An entire person and I wonder what they would have been like now if I had never done it. Perhaps everything would have been different. And somehow I'm glad that I suffer so much for what I did, that I really, really do deserve it and it's more than right. But I can't ever take punishment for it, other than what I can and will do to myself.
I don't know if I should ever let that information come out somehow, or if I should take it with me to the grave. What would be best for them? I have thought of just leaving a simple "I'm sorry for what I did to you" in my future suicide letter but then just leave it at that. I don't want to stir up a chaos if it's not necessary, even worse if I did and people would think I only came clean for my own sake. That would be terrible. But if I'd have one last act of remorse right before I die or something I could put down in my future suicide letter, what would that be?
I just don't want to make their life worse. I want to do something right but I don't have that many options that I can think of. Maybe the answer will come to me eventually, but time is ticking. And I know I have to process this one way or another so that this won't be my reason for suicide. I have other reasons, so many reasons, but that would feel wrong somehow. And what on Earth would I say to K the day my time is up? I most likely wouldn't mention this. I'd likely somehow send him a private letter, but I have a sensation that my words will fail me, that I won't be able to explain anything.
I only have three suicide letters in mind: one for my family and remaining friends, just a huge general one, one for my best friend and one for K. I might have something else in mind too, but I won't reveal what exactly that is. Plans... yeah, I try to set some vague plans around my suicide, but I still haven't found a method other than jumping and I have no idea where I would jump from. Likely somewhere in Uppsala though.
I just really want to make sure I have everything set when that day comes, sometime probably around early summer next year. It won't be before April, that's for sure at least. It's like I can only live now, knowing that I'm going to die soon. It's like a comfort, something to look forward to. And at the same time it's tearing me apart, that I won't get to live longer than that. But the more time that passes, the less and less that matters. The tearing becomes less intense and just imagining the breeze in my hair, sitting on that roof, wearing my suicide clothes, it calms me.
My make-up is running and my heart bleeds. I wish life was ever worth living, but it never was, it never was. I could never live for myself, I never wanted to live. "It gets better" they said but fuck they couldn't have been more wrong. It only got worse. I feel like binging and purging so fucking bad but I really shouldn't. I just don't care, yet I do. Just take it one hour at a time, or just one freaking minute. Breathe. Remember your goal, focus on it, you can do it. Breathe.
Would I, could I ever say it out loud, that I've committed a sex crime? In any situation, I mean. What would people think of me, what would K think of me, if he ever got to know? What would my best friend think? My mother? I've kept it from literally everyone I know thus far but I think, that little by little I somehow come to accept it. That I was too young to understand what I was doing, I literally had no idea what so ever.
And does it matter that I was raised as female? Perhaps some of you forgot that in all this mess. Cause a young boy doing something like that is just plain awful, but society would still be able to understand it. But a young girl? Or well, I wasn't technically a girl even then, but that was how society thought of me, saw me and raised me as. I don't blame my gender for what I did. I don't really blame it on anything, but sometimes I think about that. That I was entirely female bodied and still managed to do such a thing, a thing so common in male culture, if you can phrase it like that.
Of course, of bloody course there are female sex offenders too, that's not what I'm saying. Good riddens no! I'm only saying it's not as common and no ever expects a female or a female bodied person to do any such things. It's culture and it's this fucked up society. When it all comes down to it, we're all human beings to at least some degree no matter what gender we are. And maybe we all have that somewhere inside us, the possibility, I mean, to commit any kind of crime. I do think so, that the darkness hangs over all of us and it's just different from person to person how it affects us.
I'm trying to look at it somewhat objectively. That I did something incredibly wrong by human standards and the only reason I even mention my gender is because that's even more taboo and unexpected. I hope you understand that, and that you can see my point of view. Anyone can commit any kind of crime, I'm just trying to tell you my own story and my own thoughts about it. How it's affected me over these last 17 years.
It's something I always have to live with, and very few days pass without me thinking "what have I done?" especially when I look straight into the eyes of my victim. Yeah, I still see them, I still know them, I have to. And it just stabs me in the heart, cause I'm also pretty sure they can't remember anything from that event. They were too young and I was too cruel. Maybe it's best they don't remember, for their sake, and that's one of the reasons I don't want to just start telling people about this.
Honestly I can't know for sure what would be best for them, but I'm always feeling uneasy in their presence. I would never hurt them again, that's for fucking sure, but I am always always so cautious. I'm afraid I might even be too cautious and that they'll some day ask what the fuck is wrong with me. But another fact is that I still blame myself for them being asexual too.
I feel like I've destroyed so much. An entire person and I wonder what they would have been like now if I had never done it. Perhaps everything would have been different. And somehow I'm glad that I suffer so much for what I did, that I really, really do deserve it and it's more than right. But I can't ever take punishment for it, other than what I can and will do to myself.
I don't know if I should ever let that information come out somehow, or if I should take it with me to the grave. What would be best for them? I have thought of just leaving a simple "I'm sorry for what I did to you" in my future suicide letter but then just leave it at that. I don't want to stir up a chaos if it's not necessary, even worse if I did and people would think I only came clean for my own sake. That would be terrible. But if I'd have one last act of remorse right before I die or something I could put down in my future suicide letter, what would that be?
I just don't want to make their life worse. I want to do something right but I don't have that many options that I can think of. Maybe the answer will come to me eventually, but time is ticking. And I know I have to process this one way or another so that this won't be my reason for suicide. I have other reasons, so many reasons, but that would feel wrong somehow. And what on Earth would I say to K the day my time is up? I most likely wouldn't mention this. I'd likely somehow send him a private letter, but I have a sensation that my words will fail me, that I won't be able to explain anything.
I only have three suicide letters in mind: one for my family and remaining friends, just a huge general one, one for my best friend and one for K. I might have something else in mind too, but I won't reveal what exactly that is. Plans... yeah, I try to set some vague plans around my suicide, but I still haven't found a method other than jumping and I have no idea where I would jump from. Likely somewhere in Uppsala though.
I just really want to make sure I have everything set when that day comes, sometime probably around early summer next year. It won't be before April, that's for sure at least. It's like I can only live now, knowing that I'm going to die soon. It's like a comfort, something to look forward to. And at the same time it's tearing me apart, that I won't get to live longer than that. But the more time that passes, the less and less that matters. The tearing becomes less intense and just imagining the breeze in my hair, sitting on that roof, wearing my suicide clothes, it calms me.
My make-up is running and my heart bleeds. I wish life was ever worth living, but it never was, it never was. I could never live for myself, I never wanted to live. "It gets better" they said but fuck they couldn't have been more wrong. It only got worse. I feel like binging and purging so fucking bad but I really shouldn't. I just don't care, yet I do. Just take it one hour at a time, or just one freaking minute. Breathe. Remember your goal, focus on it, you can do it. Breathe.
Monday, 5 October 2015
As if I was human
I never judged your kind, all I said was that we're not the same. That is me not recognising that part of myself in you at all. I don't believe that we've walked the same path or come from the same place. We might be similar, yes, but there's a difference. Can't you see it? I likely would not have abandoned you if I had felt anything. The darkness we both feel is not what we are made up of, there's something missing. Something crucial. I recognise myself in people all the time, human or not, but it doesn't mean anything. Or, it does mean something but I've never found what I've been searching for. It's the very essence of me, don't you think I'd recognise it if I saw it in someone else? What I've been looking for forever? I can't keep doing this, I must move on, but it's like I just can't. Though, somehow it glads me that you still bother reading all the shit I spew out here. Not many people care about me the way you do, not anymore. But don't be confused, I still stand by my words, I still want to be alone.
*
My back is still hurting, now almost non stop. I have no idea what's going on, except from possibly just bad posture and a whole lot of tension. I know that my pain tolerance is higher than what's the usual, so it could be bad, but whatever.
Oh my god I feel awful as I just burst out laughing at someone on the ED forum failing the ABC diet on their first day. Of bloody course I didn't say anything though, just kept that sudden outburst to myself. But damn, do I really think that highly of myself? That I'm somehow better because they failed and I most likely won't?
The competition is strong on that forum. I noticed as I linger more on the anorexia sub-forum how I compete with them. Wanting to be thin like them, mostly. I do realise my eating disorder is much like anorexia again, that if I was much thinner I'd have anorexia with a binge/purge subtype. I'd be okay with that diagnosis, if it meant I was thin and getting thinner. Like maybe in a few months if I can manage to keep the binges far between and not purge that extremely much.
If anorexia would almost be like a goal, I guess I really am fucked up. Especially since I don't have any other goals left. Here it is: all I want is to get thin enough to disappear and I don't care about the consequences. Fuck I miss you so much! It hurts and rips and tears. And then you finally sent me a message, I thought you never would. I thought you had given up on me. I'm glad that somehow, I might still matter to you. All is not lost, after all.
It's like, it's been a few months now, I'm learning how to live with my broken heart. And it was never your fault. It never was. Someday I'll have to tell you, I know I do. Cause it just doesn't feel right to keep you in the dark about why my world yet again shattered, but I have a feeling that you know. Or that you might at least suspect it. You know I had feelings for you, and you've also seen my endless posts about my breaking heart.
To me now, it's like your every message could be the last to me and my every message could be the last to you. I don't know why, but I just have this gut feeling that it won't last. Maybe death will tear us apart, yours or mine. I can't hold on for you any longer, it just doesn't work that way.
I change music for something more intense, something I haven't nagged for weeks at an end. I ended up with "Blow away" by Staind. "I wish that I could disappear, unzip my skin and leave it here"... amazing song. I'm cold, but I don't want to heat up. I just want... no there's no reason for me to utter it cause that will never happen. My emptiness echoes and slams within me. Disturbed, undisturbed, forever chasing away. I feel so lost, without you. And I feel even more lost when you're near. What does that mean? What does it even mean?
I'm just trapped in the shadows, they glisten coldly. I just can't live like this, I can't go on. I break if I'm alone, I shatter in company of others, and I bleed when I talk to you. I want nothing else than to be with you, but knowing that I can't be just hurts too fucking much. But I'll hold on to you, I'll hold on so fucking tightly cause I just can't ever let go again. Afraid to lose you, the only person I really cannot live without.
I breathe, but every breath is shallow. My heart beats for nothing. It explodes and shatters in every single beat nowadays, I'm used to the pain. It's like I know nothing else. For ten years, for literally ten years, I've felt the strings of my heart pull too tightly with every heartbreak. I can't take it anymore. It's just too real. How I'm gonna stand it these last few months I don't know. Bit by bit, hour by hour.
*
My back is still hurting, now almost non stop. I have no idea what's going on, except from possibly just bad posture and a whole lot of tension. I know that my pain tolerance is higher than what's the usual, so it could be bad, but whatever.
Oh my god I feel awful as I just burst out laughing at someone on the ED forum failing the ABC diet on their first day. Of bloody course I didn't say anything though, just kept that sudden outburst to myself. But damn, do I really think that highly of myself? That I'm somehow better because they failed and I most likely won't?
The competition is strong on that forum. I noticed as I linger more on the anorexia sub-forum how I compete with them. Wanting to be thin like them, mostly. I do realise my eating disorder is much like anorexia again, that if I was much thinner I'd have anorexia with a binge/purge subtype. I'd be okay with that diagnosis, if it meant I was thin and getting thinner. Like maybe in a few months if I can manage to keep the binges far between and not purge that extremely much.
If anorexia would almost be like a goal, I guess I really am fucked up. Especially since I don't have any other goals left. Here it is: all I want is to get thin enough to disappear and I don't care about the consequences. Fuck I miss you so much! It hurts and rips and tears. And then you finally sent me a message, I thought you never would. I thought you had given up on me. I'm glad that somehow, I might still matter to you. All is not lost, after all.
It's like, it's been a few months now, I'm learning how to live with my broken heart. And it was never your fault. It never was. Someday I'll have to tell you, I know I do. Cause it just doesn't feel right to keep you in the dark about why my world yet again shattered, but I have a feeling that you know. Or that you might at least suspect it. You know I had feelings for you, and you've also seen my endless posts about my breaking heart.
To me now, it's like your every message could be the last to me and my every message could be the last to you. I don't know why, but I just have this gut feeling that it won't last. Maybe death will tear us apart, yours or mine. I can't hold on for you any longer, it just doesn't work that way.
I change music for something more intense, something I haven't nagged for weeks at an end. I ended up with "Blow away" by Staind. "I wish that I could disappear, unzip my skin and leave it here"... amazing song. I'm cold, but I don't want to heat up. I just want... no there's no reason for me to utter it cause that will never happen. My emptiness echoes and slams within me. Disturbed, undisturbed, forever chasing away. I feel so lost, without you. And I feel even more lost when you're near. What does that mean? What does it even mean?
I'm just trapped in the shadows, they glisten coldly. I just can't live like this, I can't go on. I break if I'm alone, I shatter in company of others, and I bleed when I talk to you. I want nothing else than to be with you, but knowing that I can't be just hurts too fucking much. But I'll hold on to you, I'll hold on so fucking tightly cause I just can't ever let go again. Afraid to lose you, the only person I really cannot live without.
I breathe, but every breath is shallow. My heart beats for nothing. It explodes and shatters in every single beat nowadays, I'm used to the pain. It's like I know nothing else. For ten years, for literally ten years, I've felt the strings of my heart pull too tightly with every heartbreak. I can't take it anymore. It's just too real. How I'm gonna stand it these last few months I don't know. Bit by bit, hour by hour.
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Torn apart today
Maybe I'll just disappear on Tuesday. Run away somewhere. Lie down in the grass far far from here with good music and my diary and several packs of cigarettes. I don't ever want to be social again. Just isolate. Don't pick up the phone. Don't answer the door. Don't go anywhere. I just need to be left alone for a while, or forever. I hate people, disgusting people. I can't stand them.
I shouldn't have mentioned the meeting, now it's all blowing up in my face. If it's about them wanting me to accept more help from the crew, they can go and screw themselves. Cause I won't. I'm having them around just about as much as I can tolerate. If they threaten to evict me I don't care. I don't want to live here anyway. I don't want to live.
I'm gonna preach how much I live life on my own terms now, in every single aspect. Rule number one: no one is gonna force me to do anything, with or against my will. I'm playing a risky game with my apartment in the spin. I don't know what they could possibly threaten with, I don't care. If they even as much as mention eviction I'm out of here. Out of Hemse, out of Gotland. I'll find my way crawling back to Uppsala as it's the only place I'd want to die at. LSS or normal apartment, but it's actually starting to lean towards a normal one, where I could be left alone.
The sweet smell of the cigarette is soothing me. I'm so tired and hungry but I don't even want to eat. Life is slipping away from me, one meal at a time, one day at a time, one selfish act at a time. And as I scream for the whole world to just leave me alone, I come here to write down my thoughts and somehow share them with you. I don't know why.
Cause somewhere in my broken heart I think that if only you read it, then everything isn't lost. Then maybe we still have a chance, that maybe we won't be strangers when or if we ever meet again. I miss you, I love you, soulmate sister. But I just can't pick up the phone. I lost myself in the dark tangles of my heart, in the jungle of thoughts and downward spirals in my head. I lost myself so completely and I don't think I can find my way back again. I've become what I most feared to become as a child.
Indifferent, emotionless, cold, desperate, aching for death, despondent. And my heart still bleeds, it always will. For all I've been aching, hoping, dreaming. But there won't be any more dreams for me. I killed and buried my last dream and I'm not exactly creating new ones. What's the point? What's the bloody point?
So this is the shell that the world hollowed out for me. It feels like all that remains is an empty shell. I can't feel anything but the sadness slowly destroying me. As if something is devouring me. I want to feel free once more, on the dance floor at a random goth club. Booze in my veins, music loud in my ears, dressed to kill. I don't care if I go there alone or with the people I once knew.
But I'm afraid it's never gonna happen again. I'd probably be too sick to be able to let my family allow me to leave with my eating disorder finally taking its toll. But I will go, sooner or later, one last trip, no matter how weak I am. If I so have to run away from a hospital, steal some clothes and jump up on the nearest flight. Book a hotel room, stay for as long as I can afford, force my best friends to see me before I leave planet Earth no fucking matter how busy they may be. You can always find time for one last and final farewell.
I'm just so torn apart today. As if death is already whispering in my ear. You have to do it, there's no escape, it says in a crypted code that only I can understand. My prophecy, my curse, what have they done to me?
I'm a stranger in this world, I just can't feel at home anywhere I go. Like an immigrant, I moved here from another world. No one here is of my kind, no matter what you think you believe. No matter how much we have in common, I'm an alien, I come from a much different universe. I'm tired, so tired of being here. All I ever got was pain and more pain and it never fucking stops. It just has to end one day, and I'm looking forward to it. I have nothing else to look forward to.
I shouldn't have mentioned the meeting, now it's all blowing up in my face. If it's about them wanting me to accept more help from the crew, they can go and screw themselves. Cause I won't. I'm having them around just about as much as I can tolerate. If they threaten to evict me I don't care. I don't want to live here anyway. I don't want to live.
I'm gonna preach how much I live life on my own terms now, in every single aspect. Rule number one: no one is gonna force me to do anything, with or against my will. I'm playing a risky game with my apartment in the spin. I don't know what they could possibly threaten with, I don't care. If they even as much as mention eviction I'm out of here. Out of Hemse, out of Gotland. I'll find my way crawling back to Uppsala as it's the only place I'd want to die at. LSS or normal apartment, but it's actually starting to lean towards a normal one, where I could be left alone.
The sweet smell of the cigarette is soothing me. I'm so tired and hungry but I don't even want to eat. Life is slipping away from me, one meal at a time, one day at a time, one selfish act at a time. And as I scream for the whole world to just leave me alone, I come here to write down my thoughts and somehow share them with you. I don't know why.
Cause somewhere in my broken heart I think that if only you read it, then everything isn't lost. Then maybe we still have a chance, that maybe we won't be strangers when or if we ever meet again. I miss you, I love you, soulmate sister. But I just can't pick up the phone. I lost myself in the dark tangles of my heart, in the jungle of thoughts and downward spirals in my head. I lost myself so completely and I don't think I can find my way back again. I've become what I most feared to become as a child.
Indifferent, emotionless, cold, desperate, aching for death, despondent. And my heart still bleeds, it always will. For all I've been aching, hoping, dreaming. But there won't be any more dreams for me. I killed and buried my last dream and I'm not exactly creating new ones. What's the point? What's the bloody point?
So this is the shell that the world hollowed out for me. It feels like all that remains is an empty shell. I can't feel anything but the sadness slowly destroying me. As if something is devouring me. I want to feel free once more, on the dance floor at a random goth club. Booze in my veins, music loud in my ears, dressed to kill. I don't care if I go there alone or with the people I once knew.
But I'm afraid it's never gonna happen again. I'd probably be too sick to be able to let my family allow me to leave with my eating disorder finally taking its toll. But I will go, sooner or later, one last trip, no matter how weak I am. If I so have to run away from a hospital, steal some clothes and jump up on the nearest flight. Book a hotel room, stay for as long as I can afford, force my best friends to see me before I leave planet Earth no fucking matter how busy they may be. You can always find time for one last and final farewell.
I'm just so torn apart today. As if death is already whispering in my ear. You have to do it, there's no escape, it says in a crypted code that only I can understand. My prophecy, my curse, what have they done to me?
I'm a stranger in this world, I just can't feel at home anywhere I go. Like an immigrant, I moved here from another world. No one here is of my kind, no matter what you think you believe. No matter how much we have in common, I'm an alien, I come from a much different universe. I'm tired, so tired of being here. All I ever got was pain and more pain and it never fucking stops. It just has to end one day, and I'm looking forward to it. I have nothing else to look forward to.
But not scared enough
I just broke my 110 hours long fast with vegetable soup. I finally dared stepping on my scale and it showed me 61 kg. Not too bad considering. I mean, I had hoped for somewhere along the lines of 58 but at least it's less than 63. Oh shit I feel dizzy... maybe I ate that too quickly. I guess I'll just give it a few hours to land before I go shopping. Gotta give my body some time to adjust.
I just googled BMI 15 just to try and get an idea on how I could look on roughly that BMI. It's not thin enough... damn it. But I guess I'll just try to get to it first and then deal with the consequences if I still think I need to lose more weight. I'm still at a BMI of 21 so it's a long way to go. Would it even be possible to lose 17 kg in 6 months? And I know it just gets harder the lighter you get.
But it's October 4th and I'm officially starting the ABC diet. As I stated before, the first day is 500 calories. Then 500 again, then 300, then 400, then 100, 200 and 300 the last day of the first week. I know some people just see those numbers as maximum for each day but I'm gonna try to be as exact as I can be. And exercise or purge if I over eat. It's a 7 weeks and one day long diet, which means I can breathe out with a sigh of relief on November 23rd. And hopefully will have been able to stick to it and have lost some weight.
So, my starting weight is 61 kg or 134 lbs so we'll see how much I can lose on this crazy diet. It's only about calories so basically I can eat whatever I want during it as long as I keep it within the calorie limit, but I'm gonna try to do it as healthily as I possibly can. Lots of vegetables, lean meat and fibers, mainly. Also gonna try to cut down a little on the caffeine, mainly because having 55 calories cups of coffee 6 times a day is not gonna work. Especially on the days where the limit is 200 calories or less.
Wow, I've had my dreads in for 2,5 weeks already. They almost feel like a part of me now. Have to wash them/the roots of my own hair today. That was what I shouldn't forget. I really had to start eating today, I have so much to do that I need to function for. So I set a new record of 110 hours just before I had my soup. I'm feeling much better now, almost a bit energised even.
It feels like my ED has gotten a new kick start, with purging then fasting then starting a crazy low calorie diet as of today. I'll try to only purge if I over eat, or go above my calorie limit for the day, and not binge/purge every single day like I did before. Cause it's so addictive and compulsive like damn... I don't mind the danger of it this time, but I do mind how addictive it is and I just don't want to feel the need to do it several times a day.
Besides, it is a pretty horrible experience, much more than what can just be imagined. If you haven't done it, you just don't know how horrible it is. Cause it's nothing like puking after a night of heavy drinking or having eaten way too much or from being physically ill. It's damaging the soul. With that said I will still continue, just not as much as back in January/February when I did it 3 to 5 times a day, every single day. Now maybe... I don't know, at most a few times a week.
My main methods will still be restricting and fasting. Purging only if I binge or "binge" on what isn't technically an actual binge but too big a meal for me. Like if I do have that pizza or just lose control over my hunger. It will be my escape route that I'll take as seldom as I can. I know it's bad, I know it's a horrible thing to do. Not even on the ED forum they recommend it, but they sure do recommend decreasing calories and doing more exercise on a basically empty stomach so yeah. Purging must be so, so bad.
Although I hardly even understand half the danger about it, since my body just barely reacted to it back in February. I almost passed out at one point, but all my blood values were tip top and that's it.
And I'm sorry for last night's entry if I scared you, I just had to get it all out of me. I'm sorry.
I should try to take it slow and easy and I know I really shouldn't set such a low ultimate goal weight but it's just that I can't settle for less. No one except those on the forum and those reading this blog knows that I want to weigh 44 kg. It's just 97 lbs and after being on that forum for over a year, I know how low any weight under 100 lbs is, and how much everyone there wants to get below that weight.
There, I have to translate every kilo to pounds to be understood and it's almost starting to come naturally to me now. I keep mixing up kilos with pounds in real life and as a classmate told me about someone they knew who weighed 150 kg and I thought, oh it's not so bad, until I realised they said kilograms, not pounds.
Cause it wasn't all that long ago that I weighed 150 lbs which is 68 kg, but I've never ever been even remotely close to 150 kg. Thank god for that! I would likely have killed myself for less. Sometimes I still try to look back to how it was like to weigh 80 kg, or 176 lbs, and what is the difference from now? I feel much lighter, I don't feel quite as gross, my feet don't hurt as much at all anymore, I can sit/lie in positions I couldn't back then, I can walk around without feeling like I'm gonna pass out, I can wear skinny jeans, I get compliments for my weight which I didn't back then.
Here in Sweden having a 10-15 kg overweight is pretty much the most normal weight wise, or so I've heard. But I just hated it so much that I even risked getting an eating disorder just to lose that weight. I don't regret it even for a split second. If I could go back in time and not get an ED, I never would. Perhaps I do see it as a life experience and perhaps, even just perhaps, that's why I want to to tip the scale the other way around as well. That when the day I die I will have been in every weight category except from obese and morbidly obese. To have been overweight, normal weight and underweight.
Cause that's an experience I really want to have. I collect them, experiences, and preferably the negative and life changing ones. I want to experience all that crap an extremely underweight person typically is going through. And I do want to experience what it's like to live with an eating disorder to the absolute breaking point. At least to get down to a BMI of 15-16. Perhaps I won't be able to take it as far as into the single digits.
Depends on how long I get to live, and at what point recovery will happen. If it's gonna happen, what do I know, I might be able to escape that route, and die before I get to recover. I hope so, as I still want to take my ED with me to the grave. This relapse sure hit me hard, I've never felt so overcome by my ED before. Like it's really eating away at me, changing my thoughts and feelings until I can nothing but recognise myself.
I feel as though nothing can change my mind about this. Yes I'm scared for what my family and close friends would think if I do lose all the weight I want to lose, but somewhere in my twisted mind, I just don't think it's any of their/your business. This is the only way I can live right now, my broken heart led me back here for a reason. Because I wasn't done starving myself, wasn't done losing weight, wasn't done harming myself this way. I was never ready to recover. Perhaps it sucks, but at least now I know what I truly do feel about it.
I just googled BMI 15 just to try and get an idea on how I could look on roughly that BMI. It's not thin enough... damn it. But I guess I'll just try to get to it first and then deal with the consequences if I still think I need to lose more weight. I'm still at a BMI of 21 so it's a long way to go. Would it even be possible to lose 17 kg in 6 months? And I know it just gets harder the lighter you get.
But it's October 4th and I'm officially starting the ABC diet. As I stated before, the first day is 500 calories. Then 500 again, then 300, then 400, then 100, 200 and 300 the last day of the first week. I know some people just see those numbers as maximum for each day but I'm gonna try to be as exact as I can be. And exercise or purge if I over eat. It's a 7 weeks and one day long diet, which means I can breathe out with a sigh of relief on November 23rd. And hopefully will have been able to stick to it and have lost some weight.
So, my starting weight is 61 kg or 134 lbs so we'll see how much I can lose on this crazy diet. It's only about calories so basically I can eat whatever I want during it as long as I keep it within the calorie limit, but I'm gonna try to do it as healthily as I possibly can. Lots of vegetables, lean meat and fibers, mainly. Also gonna try to cut down a little on the caffeine, mainly because having 55 calories cups of coffee 6 times a day is not gonna work. Especially on the days where the limit is 200 calories or less.
Wow, I've had my dreads in for 2,5 weeks already. They almost feel like a part of me now. Have to wash them/the roots of my own hair today. That was what I shouldn't forget. I really had to start eating today, I have so much to do that I need to function for. So I set a new record of 110 hours just before I had my soup. I'm feeling much better now, almost a bit energised even.
It feels like my ED has gotten a new kick start, with purging then fasting then starting a crazy low calorie diet as of today. I'll try to only purge if I over eat, or go above my calorie limit for the day, and not binge/purge every single day like I did before. Cause it's so addictive and compulsive like damn... I don't mind the danger of it this time, but I do mind how addictive it is and I just don't want to feel the need to do it several times a day.
Besides, it is a pretty horrible experience, much more than what can just be imagined. If you haven't done it, you just don't know how horrible it is. Cause it's nothing like puking after a night of heavy drinking or having eaten way too much or from being physically ill. It's damaging the soul. With that said I will still continue, just not as much as back in January/February when I did it 3 to 5 times a day, every single day. Now maybe... I don't know, at most a few times a week.
My main methods will still be restricting and fasting. Purging only if I binge or "binge" on what isn't technically an actual binge but too big a meal for me. Like if I do have that pizza or just lose control over my hunger. It will be my escape route that I'll take as seldom as I can. I know it's bad, I know it's a horrible thing to do. Not even on the ED forum they recommend it, but they sure do recommend decreasing calories and doing more exercise on a basically empty stomach so yeah. Purging must be so, so bad.
Although I hardly even understand half the danger about it, since my body just barely reacted to it back in February. I almost passed out at one point, but all my blood values were tip top and that's it.
And I'm sorry for last night's entry if I scared you, I just had to get it all out of me. I'm sorry.
I should try to take it slow and easy and I know I really shouldn't set such a low ultimate goal weight but it's just that I can't settle for less. No one except those on the forum and those reading this blog knows that I want to weigh 44 kg. It's just 97 lbs and after being on that forum for over a year, I know how low any weight under 100 lbs is, and how much everyone there wants to get below that weight.
There, I have to translate every kilo to pounds to be understood and it's almost starting to come naturally to me now. I keep mixing up kilos with pounds in real life and as a classmate told me about someone they knew who weighed 150 kg and I thought, oh it's not so bad, until I realised they said kilograms, not pounds.
Cause it wasn't all that long ago that I weighed 150 lbs which is 68 kg, but I've never ever been even remotely close to 150 kg. Thank god for that! I would likely have killed myself for less. Sometimes I still try to look back to how it was like to weigh 80 kg, or 176 lbs, and what is the difference from now? I feel much lighter, I don't feel quite as gross, my feet don't hurt as much at all anymore, I can sit/lie in positions I couldn't back then, I can walk around without feeling like I'm gonna pass out, I can wear skinny jeans, I get compliments for my weight which I didn't back then.
Here in Sweden having a 10-15 kg overweight is pretty much the most normal weight wise, or so I've heard. But I just hated it so much that I even risked getting an eating disorder just to lose that weight. I don't regret it even for a split second. If I could go back in time and not get an ED, I never would. Perhaps I do see it as a life experience and perhaps, even just perhaps, that's why I want to to tip the scale the other way around as well. That when the day I die I will have been in every weight category except from obese and morbidly obese. To have been overweight, normal weight and underweight.
Cause that's an experience I really want to have. I collect them, experiences, and preferably the negative and life changing ones. I want to experience all that crap an extremely underweight person typically is going through. And I do want to experience what it's like to live with an eating disorder to the absolute breaking point. At least to get down to a BMI of 15-16. Perhaps I won't be able to take it as far as into the single digits.
Depends on how long I get to live, and at what point recovery will happen. If it's gonna happen, what do I know, I might be able to escape that route, and die before I get to recover. I hope so, as I still want to take my ED with me to the grave. This relapse sure hit me hard, I've never felt so overcome by my ED before. Like it's really eating away at me, changing my thoughts and feelings until I can nothing but recognise myself.
I feel as though nothing can change my mind about this. Yes I'm scared for what my family and close friends would think if I do lose all the weight I want to lose, but somewhere in my twisted mind, I just don't think it's any of their/your business. This is the only way I can live right now, my broken heart led me back here for a reason. Because I wasn't done starving myself, wasn't done losing weight, wasn't done harming myself this way. I was never ready to recover. Perhaps it sucks, but at least now I know what I truly do feel about it.
Scared to tell you
I know I'm absolutely lousy at following schedules, plans, anything along those lines, but... I've gotten curious enough about this diet called ABC which stands for "Ana Boot Camp" and it's basically you eat a certain number of calories a day for 50 days which you will lose weight on. It absolutely works if you manage to stick to it but it's crazy dangerous and extreme. Starting with just 500 cals the first day, it won't get better than that. I have absolutely no idea if I could make it but as I said, I'm curious and want to give it a try.
My goal is to lose around 5 kg before Christmas, or to get down to around 55 since I don't even know what I weigh now. If it does work and I lose even more than that I might consider stopping. Only because I don't want my family to notice too much weight loss too soon. I don't want them forcing me to recovery. I know it would take as much as a court order to get me into recovery again, but I'm not gonna take my chances with my family on that.
What I'm trying to say is that I believe, if I lose enough weight too fast, they'd do anything to get me help. Despite me being an adult and everything. So... I do want to lose an extreme amount of weight but I have to play it as smart as I possibly can in this state. If I can get down to 55-53 kg by December that would be awesome but I'd stop it there. Then after New Years try to get down to 44 kg by the time of my birthday. That's the plan, but what if that ABC diet will go extremely well and I'll be weighing 50 or less by December?! Heck I wouldn't know what to do.
I'd be ecstatic to be underweight fiiinally, but scared of what my parents would do if they see me that thin by Christmas. I believe this eating disorder might possibly be the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And I know they know that. All too well. They've seen what it can do to my body as I got down to 53 kg last winter. If, very much if, I manage to get down to 44 kg that would give me a BMI of as little as 15,6. That's extreme. I would not be able to fight my way out of forced recovery with a weight that low.
I know that my parents love me very much, and I know how scared they are of me ending up that thin. I'd have to leave them entirely to be able to do this undisturbed, which I cannot. I love them too much back, and right now, nowadays, they are basically all the people I have left in my life. I'm just wondering if I'll even be able to do it. Get that thin and live with the fact that I'm hurting my parents that much. It's my life! I don't want for them to intervene but I know they're going to.
I'd fight with whatever strength I have left at that point if I can get to it. It's so fucking easy to say heck yeah I'll starve myself to 44 kg when I haven't even started the diet yet. Just saying. Oh my god I just want to get there and screw the consequences I don't care what happens. Cause if I truly think about it, I'm willing to take all the risks and more. That's how fucked up I am. I'll fight my right to slow suicide by starvation I'll even keep fighting if they do get a court order and force me into recovery. That's as far gone as I am I'll even sign a DNR if there is a Swedish such if it has to come to that.
Jesus, how did it get so bad? All I wanted was to get thin enough to not hate myself, and now I'm fighting with the last of my remaining will power to become emaciated, and plan to fight for my right to slowly kill myself to my very last breath. Where did all that will power even come from? From someone who has more or less given up completely already?
My heart is beating faster as I write this, scared to get it out there, scared of my own thoughts and feelings.
Also scared of what my eating disorder has done to me. This isn't rational thinking. This is the thoughts of a sick mind and I'm just letting it, just letting it so completely. Also, my starved mind might not function as well as it's supposed to at this point, as I have now gone without food for 103 hours. I should just restart it, go to bed and sleep some, then start fresh again tomorrow and eat my 500 calories and see if maybe that can bring some of my lost sanity back again.
Of all the mental illness shit I've gone through, nothing, absolutely nothing, has wrecked my mind as much as this eating disorder has. It should scare me more than it does. Cause it's a part of me now. I'll take it with me to my grave, if I get buried, that is. I'm so lost without it, I love it I loathe it at the same time. If it hasn't already, it will become everything I am.
My goal is to lose around 5 kg before Christmas, or to get down to around 55 since I don't even know what I weigh now. If it does work and I lose even more than that I might consider stopping. Only because I don't want my family to notice too much weight loss too soon. I don't want them forcing me to recovery. I know it would take as much as a court order to get me into recovery again, but I'm not gonna take my chances with my family on that.
What I'm trying to say is that I believe, if I lose enough weight too fast, they'd do anything to get me help. Despite me being an adult and everything. So... I do want to lose an extreme amount of weight but I have to play it as smart as I possibly can in this state. If I can get down to 55-53 kg by December that would be awesome but I'd stop it there. Then after New Years try to get down to 44 kg by the time of my birthday. That's the plan, but what if that ABC diet will go extremely well and I'll be weighing 50 or less by December?! Heck I wouldn't know what to do.
I'd be ecstatic to be underweight fiiinally, but scared of what my parents would do if they see me that thin by Christmas. I believe this eating disorder might possibly be the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And I know they know that. All too well. They've seen what it can do to my body as I got down to 53 kg last winter. If, very much if, I manage to get down to 44 kg that would give me a BMI of as little as 15,6. That's extreme. I would not be able to fight my way out of forced recovery with a weight that low.
I know that my parents love me very much, and I know how scared they are of me ending up that thin. I'd have to leave them entirely to be able to do this undisturbed, which I cannot. I love them too much back, and right now, nowadays, they are basically all the people I have left in my life. I'm just wondering if I'll even be able to do it. Get that thin and live with the fact that I'm hurting my parents that much. It's my life! I don't want for them to intervene but I know they're going to.
I'd fight with whatever strength I have left at that point if I can get to it. It's so fucking easy to say heck yeah I'll starve myself to 44 kg when I haven't even started the diet yet. Just saying. Oh my god I just want to get there and screw the consequences I don't care what happens. Cause if I truly think about it, I'm willing to take all the risks and more. That's how fucked up I am. I'll fight my right to slow suicide by starvation I'll even keep fighting if they do get a court order and force me into recovery. That's as far gone as I am I'll even sign a DNR if there is a Swedish such if it has to come to that.
Jesus, how did it get so bad? All I wanted was to get thin enough to not hate myself, and now I'm fighting with the last of my remaining will power to become emaciated, and plan to fight for my right to slowly kill myself to my very last breath. Where did all that will power even come from? From someone who has more or less given up completely already?
My heart is beating faster as I write this, scared to get it out there, scared of my own thoughts and feelings.
Also scared of what my eating disorder has done to me. This isn't rational thinking. This is the thoughts of a sick mind and I'm just letting it, just letting it so completely. Also, my starved mind might not function as well as it's supposed to at this point, as I have now gone without food for 103 hours. I should just restart it, go to bed and sleep some, then start fresh again tomorrow and eat my 500 calories and see if maybe that can bring some of my lost sanity back again.
Of all the mental illness shit I've gone through, nothing, absolutely nothing, has wrecked my mind as much as this eating disorder has. It should scare me more than it does. Cause it's a part of me now. I'll take it with me to my grave, if I get buried, that is. I'm so lost without it, I love it I loathe it at the same time. If it hasn't already, it will become everything I am.
Thursday, 1 October 2015
It's my life
So I've been going without food for almost exactly 48 hours now. That's 2 full days and still counting. How I feel is both positive and negative. On the negative side I'm very tired, hungry, weak and cold. On the positive side I have almost no anxiety, I feel light as air, almost kinda free and confident that maybe I can actually do this. Fast for 7 days. Living on only coffee and tap water.
But the sadness is still tearing me apart, I still don't really want to live. I cling to my deadly eating disorder like a drowning person clings to air, in lack of finding a better likeness. Cause it is deadly. Of all the actual eating disorders you could be diagnosed with, ednos is the most dangerous. That's right, more so than anorexia. It has the highest mortality rate of them all.
And it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's the combined restriction, fasting, binging and purging that really takes a toll on your body. It's harder to reach a thin goal weight with ednos cause you're likely not just decreasing what you eat, so you gain weight back, go down again and it literally becomes an endless, evil yo-yo weight loss and gain spiral.
With that said, I know it's darkness, pure darkness from my point of view, but I still love my eating disorder. It's become my sole reason to live, and what's more dangerous than that? It basically means that I cannot ever stop. I'm condemned, damned to its torment and beguiled by its promises of one day achieving the perfect body.
And I hope I can break the chain and stop the binging for good. Cause in my twisted mind that's the only thing that I hate about it. Gorging on food like there's no tomorrow while crying cause my stomach is a bottomless pit and I just cannot stop eating no matter what. That's what's scary, that's what I don't like about it. But, I haven't binged since before my relapse and I hope with all fingers and toes crossed that I won't ever again. Or if I do, that it won't turn into a horrible binge cycle again that just makes me gain and gain and I can't for the life of me stop eating.
That scares me way more than having gone 2 days completely without food. It scares me more than purging until I almost pass out. And somewhere deep inside my fucked up brain I am longing for anorexia instead. Cause in my world that means certain weight loss and only keeping the good things about my eating disorder. I'm not even sure I should announce that.
I should be wanting to get better. I shouldn't have relapsed and thought that was the best thing ever. If the world outside of the computer screen ever gets to know, I'll also let them know that if they'll try to force me into recovery I will most certainly unleash Hell upon them. Every single one that steps in my way. Every. Single. One.
Cause it's my fucking body and it's my life. I hate being a property of this awful society, cause isn't it just fucking obvious that I am when they force me into mental health care against my will? What happened to my freedom? It's an illusion. Made to let you think that you're in control of your own life but in fact you're only in control when you're pursuing something good. Like a healthy lifestyle. Not if you're pursuing death and being as unhealthy as possible.
Cause I know. Oh damn I know. I know it so fucking well, every single institution that I've been to. I'm so done with that crap. I just want to be left alone and why should I have to suffer in silence when I'm not hurting anyone else but myself?! I'm 26 years old and for soon 11 years I've been forced to this and that cause they said it would make my life better. They've been nothing but wrong. Abstaining is far worse than suffering. Trying to quit whatever harmful habit you have is just not worth it for me.
I wish I had realised that sooner and just stopped going to mental health clinics, stopped trying to get better when all I've ever wanted was to live life on my own terms until I finally don't have to live anymore. Life is temporary, existence is not. I believe in something much greater than this. Worlds much better than this one. I only feel trapped and alienated and as if I would be doing something wrong when all I've ever done is trying to survive in the prison I've been thrown into.
I'm done living by human standards, I'm done pretending to be human. From now on I live as I want to live despite every single person telling me exactly how wrong it is. I'm not doing it for you. From now on there is only me, and if you want a part in my life, don't intervene. Don't ever try to change me. I know some of you never have, if you're reading this, this isn't directed to everyone I've ever known. Just most of them.
Soulmate sister, K, even you Y if you still read my blog, have I never seen trying to stuff me into the tiny human shaped box I'm supposedly meant to fit into. So you're okay by me. You are all different, better in my eyes. Even you M, if you read this, I can't know for sure who does anymore. Actually I have several friends who's name starts with an M but if you're married to my best friend that's you.
I'm mostly just raging into empty air. I know I do. Against my parents, my school, everyone who's ever worked in psychiatry and the crew. A lot of my friends too. Or should I say former friends. I'm not saying let me die, all I'm saying is let me live my life the only way I can until I can't live anymore cause we'll all die of something and I'll die of suicide.
This eating disorder is the only way I can do it. It's the only way I can get to my next birthday or even just to Christmas. Without it I'll die. With it I'll die too but it will take longer time, trust me on that. I've only got a few months to live, if I can't do it my way I just can't do it at all. I'm stuck in my delusion about that prophecy and I've just been sinking deeper and deeper into it lately. Cause maybe the still rational side of me realises that it is more or less a delusion.
That it's just not rational to believe so strongly in something that to most people can seem like some fucked up kind of fantasy. Who can truly know when I'm going to die? After all these suicide attempts that always fail, but always hint that maybe next time it won't. Who can know? I believe in visions and ancient gods who contact me magically, of course I must seem delusional.
But you know what? It's my life and I don't know how else to live it. I'm crossing the border of being fucked for life or maybe I already did a long time ago, just that no one wanted to realise that. I was too young to be fucked for life, despite everything that I had gone through already then, despite never wanting to live in the first place. Life has treated me badly. If I compare, I surely can find a whole country of people who's been fucked over far worse than me and still have some kind of chance in life. But I have my curse, my prophecy, my crazy beliefs of past lives and a homesickness that's been tearing me apart for over 20 years.
So no, I don't believe that I ever had a chance. I wasn't sent here to succeed or to live a long and happy life. Perhaps I've just created my own hell while missing something better, but that doesn't change anything. Life just won't get any better than this. Probably just worse. I've always known that, I've always lived with that burden.
Okay I'm starting to feel whiny now, so I guess rant is over. I'm just gonna disappear into my darkness until I have no more disappearing left to do.
But the sadness is still tearing me apart, I still don't really want to live. I cling to my deadly eating disorder like a drowning person clings to air, in lack of finding a better likeness. Cause it is deadly. Of all the actual eating disorders you could be diagnosed with, ednos is the most dangerous. That's right, more so than anorexia. It has the highest mortality rate of them all.
And it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's the combined restriction, fasting, binging and purging that really takes a toll on your body. It's harder to reach a thin goal weight with ednos cause you're likely not just decreasing what you eat, so you gain weight back, go down again and it literally becomes an endless, evil yo-yo weight loss and gain spiral.
With that said, I know it's darkness, pure darkness from my point of view, but I still love my eating disorder. It's become my sole reason to live, and what's more dangerous than that? It basically means that I cannot ever stop. I'm condemned, damned to its torment and beguiled by its promises of one day achieving the perfect body.
And I hope I can break the chain and stop the binging for good. Cause in my twisted mind that's the only thing that I hate about it. Gorging on food like there's no tomorrow while crying cause my stomach is a bottomless pit and I just cannot stop eating no matter what. That's what's scary, that's what I don't like about it. But, I haven't binged since before my relapse and I hope with all fingers and toes crossed that I won't ever again. Or if I do, that it won't turn into a horrible binge cycle again that just makes me gain and gain and I can't for the life of me stop eating.
That scares me way more than having gone 2 days completely without food. It scares me more than purging until I almost pass out. And somewhere deep inside my fucked up brain I am longing for anorexia instead. Cause in my world that means certain weight loss and only keeping the good things about my eating disorder. I'm not even sure I should announce that.
I should be wanting to get better. I shouldn't have relapsed and thought that was the best thing ever. If the world outside of the computer screen ever gets to know, I'll also let them know that if they'll try to force me into recovery I will most certainly unleash Hell upon them. Every single one that steps in my way. Every. Single. One.
Cause it's my fucking body and it's my life. I hate being a property of this awful society, cause isn't it just fucking obvious that I am when they force me into mental health care against my will? What happened to my freedom? It's an illusion. Made to let you think that you're in control of your own life but in fact you're only in control when you're pursuing something good. Like a healthy lifestyle. Not if you're pursuing death and being as unhealthy as possible.
Cause I know. Oh damn I know. I know it so fucking well, every single institution that I've been to. I'm so done with that crap. I just want to be left alone and why should I have to suffer in silence when I'm not hurting anyone else but myself?! I'm 26 years old and for soon 11 years I've been forced to this and that cause they said it would make my life better. They've been nothing but wrong. Abstaining is far worse than suffering. Trying to quit whatever harmful habit you have is just not worth it for me.
I wish I had realised that sooner and just stopped going to mental health clinics, stopped trying to get better when all I've ever wanted was to live life on my own terms until I finally don't have to live anymore. Life is temporary, existence is not. I believe in something much greater than this. Worlds much better than this one. I only feel trapped and alienated and as if I would be doing something wrong when all I've ever done is trying to survive in the prison I've been thrown into.
I'm done living by human standards, I'm done pretending to be human. From now on I live as I want to live despite every single person telling me exactly how wrong it is. I'm not doing it for you. From now on there is only me, and if you want a part in my life, don't intervene. Don't ever try to change me. I know some of you never have, if you're reading this, this isn't directed to everyone I've ever known. Just most of them.
Soulmate sister, K, even you Y if you still read my blog, have I never seen trying to stuff me into the tiny human shaped box I'm supposedly meant to fit into. So you're okay by me. You are all different, better in my eyes. Even you M, if you read this, I can't know for sure who does anymore. Actually I have several friends who's name starts with an M but if you're married to my best friend that's you.
I'm mostly just raging into empty air. I know I do. Against my parents, my school, everyone who's ever worked in psychiatry and the crew. A lot of my friends too. Or should I say former friends. I'm not saying let me die, all I'm saying is let me live my life the only way I can until I can't live anymore cause we'll all die of something and I'll die of suicide.
This eating disorder is the only way I can do it. It's the only way I can get to my next birthday or even just to Christmas. Without it I'll die. With it I'll die too but it will take longer time, trust me on that. I've only got a few months to live, if I can't do it my way I just can't do it at all. I'm stuck in my delusion about that prophecy and I've just been sinking deeper and deeper into it lately. Cause maybe the still rational side of me realises that it is more or less a delusion.
That it's just not rational to believe so strongly in something that to most people can seem like some fucked up kind of fantasy. Who can truly know when I'm going to die? After all these suicide attempts that always fail, but always hint that maybe next time it won't. Who can know? I believe in visions and ancient gods who contact me magically, of course I must seem delusional.
But you know what? It's my life and I don't know how else to live it. I'm crossing the border of being fucked for life or maybe I already did a long time ago, just that no one wanted to realise that. I was too young to be fucked for life, despite everything that I had gone through already then, despite never wanting to live in the first place. Life has treated me badly. If I compare, I surely can find a whole country of people who's been fucked over far worse than me and still have some kind of chance in life. But I have my curse, my prophecy, my crazy beliefs of past lives and a homesickness that's been tearing me apart for over 20 years.
So no, I don't believe that I ever had a chance. I wasn't sent here to succeed or to live a long and happy life. Perhaps I've just created my own hell while missing something better, but that doesn't change anything. Life just won't get any better than this. Probably just worse. I've always known that, I've always lived with that burden.
Okay I'm starting to feel whiny now, so I guess rant is over. I'm just gonna disappear into my darkness until I have no more disappearing left to do.
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