Damn! Met a guy. No one I had talked to before, he just sent me a message a few hours ago (around 5:30 pm), out of nowhere, asking straight out if I wanted to meet. Yeah I had a fit of indecisiveness before I said yes, but I didn't wait too long. He had no picture, not much of any information except from age, gender and sexuality basically. Bi, 47. I invited him home to me, he lives nearby, and he's cheating on his girlfriend with me. Or maybe she knows, but somehow I doubt it. I don't care either way. (But damn I hope I don't know her, cause that would be awkward but of course this stays between us no matter what).
Yes I was nervous, no doubt about it, but it went so damn well. I mean, he rang my doorbell around 20:20 and I opened, and good thing he's totally hot. He greeted me with a hug and french kiss, then he saw my cigarettes and asked if he could have one. Sure, I said, and we went out for a smoke. We talked a bit and he did give me a very calming and "safe" feeling. I felt good around him, he's got good vibes. Then we went back inside again and things got a bit more sexy.
I'll keep most of the details to myself, but well, we did have some issues so couldn't go "all the way" or what to say, but we definitely did some and we both wanted to. And I got some very nice compliments on my sucking technique, so that's lovely. I know it was a while ago for me, so I thought maybe I was a bit rusty in that department. Apparently not. That felt so nice in my mouth, I've missed it, I most definitely have.
Since things didn't work out exactly like we wanted them to but we connected very well, he did suggest that we could try again later, in a week or two, and I thought that was a damn good idea. Also, he said he had read my profile on that site and that he was very curious about me. I told him a bit about my transition, what I had done and such, and well, he seemed to like it all about me. I felt very appreciated and hot there. Pleasure sure wasn't far away, and he enjoyed himself too. I did like seeing that excitement in his eyes. So it did feel very mutual and exciting.
Seriously I can't stop smiling right now. He wanted company back to his car so we could smoke together then and we talked a bit more. Then I almost kinda danced back to my apartment. Yeah I'm such a slut, but I don't give a fuck. I'll wear that derogatory term proudly as a badge. It never felt bad to be called that or call myself that in the past, and it never will. What's morals anyway? Nothing I want up my alley. I embrace my wildness. I look forward to meeting him again, and others. Yeah of course I've gotta try to find more action in the meantime. I've got an insatiable need.
Of course I fucking understand that I took a huge risk, inviting a perfect stranger right to my home, giving him my address, and not even having seen a picture of him first. I had no idea what he looked like, no idea who he actually was, or what he even wanted to do. I'm not underestimating how incredibly wrong it could have gone. Just wanted to make that clear. Doing this kind of stuff certainly doesn't come without risks. Especially me being quite small, younger and preferably on the receiving end of things. It does put me at more risks. I'm aware of them, however I choose to still go through with it, cause I am not scared of things going wrong. They might, I'd deal with it then. It's not the end of the world.
Yes, it's definitely arguable that because I've already been through a lot of shit in my past, and know I could survive that, it has made me less scared and less careful, instead of the opposite. It stupefied me, made me think I'm invincible somehow. Not literally of course, but I do think that my mind is incredibly strong in terms of taking a beating here and there. And I'm not scared of more hurt. It may or may not happen, I don't really give a fuck.
Just an update though, and writing to sort out my thoughts that don't exactly follow a pattern right now. They're everywhere and I can't quite think clearly. But I feel amazing, relieved, excited about what more is to come, calm and a bit crazy. It does still feel kind of like hypo-mania (with a constant amorousness), but it never escalates and it never calms down, except from like daily fluctuations in my mood, but over all is the same since the beginning of January. Maybe this is permanent-ish? Like I had a personality shift and it's going to be this way now? I don't know, but I'm not complaining. But yeah, it doesn't get worse, and I don't think it will, but it doesn't go back to "normal" either. So maybe this is my normal now. I think it's worth considering.
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