Invisible addiction

I've touched upon this topic before, but not really gone into depth. However much it really matters I cannot say. I'd categorise it as my third addiction, along with nicotine and caffeine, however this is not a substance, but it's still known as an addiction that some people do have. It's also hidden, an invisible addiction, and I suppose also not something most people would want to talk about having, or anyone else having. I don't think I've ever even mentioned it to my mother, or most of anyone. Gotten by with the thought that "it's not that bad and I've had it forever anyway, it's not noticeable, no one needs to know" and just shrugged it away. But it's never gone away.

I know I'm severely addicted to masturbation, it's very compulsive. Reading up about it online, as I do from time to time, it almost kinda scares me just how far I've taken it over the years. And well, all the online quizzes I take give the same unsettling result. In the highest category meaning I'm very addicted as I cross off almost everything on their lists. I certainly don't need a quiz to tell me just how fucked I am, but I do like taking such quizzes just to get a bit of an overview of my situation. No, how many times I masturbate a day has nothing to do with it, and it's not a huge number of times. Usually just 1-5 times a day, sometimes I manage to skip a day, but I'd rather not, and that's the way it's always been. It's how I do it, and how I can't stop, that is alarming.

I've been addicted to it ever since I started at age 9, which does mean it's been 19 years now. That's a very long time and it's most of my life. I remember the first time it started to worry me for real, was when I was 14 and googled "how to stop masturbating" on a school computer. It angered me when I couldn't find any help online at the time. Nowhere did it say anything about having such an addiction or it being psychologically self-damaging, as it was for me, already back then. Perhaps it wasn't commonly spoken about back in 2003, I don't know. And a 14 year old "girl" having it? Scandalous, huh? Society's thought, not mine.

How is it an addiction for me? Well, I have done it in public, among people who weren't aware, I've done it at home, at my parents' place, at my friends' homes, at your place, at the grocery store, at every psych ward I've been too, and even at the hospital I stayed at those two nights when I had my mastectomy done. I've done it while riding a car with my mother driving it. At the ferry too. I've done it at several schools I've been to, and outdoors in public too. A whole lot of public bathrooms. Mastered the art of being completely silent and to not get caught, almost no matter where I am. So that's the "where" -aspect which is almost literally everywhere I've ever been.

Let's move on to the "how". Up until recently (just about two months ago) I only did it to relieve myself, because I had to, because I couldn't stop. It was a chore, desperate, necessary and not something I actually enjoyed. It was very compulsive, like a form of OCD kinda. Now I do enjoy it and like doing it, I like how it makes me feel and I don't feel that shame and disgust anymore that I used to before, but it's still compulsive and there's no way I can stop. The longest I've ever gone without it was three weeks. The longest break, in 19 years. And it felt like the worst three weeks of my life.

I have even also continued masturbating even after having caused some slight injuries down there, cause I couldn't stop, and I just had to get off. Meaning like when I got an allergic reaction from a dildo that made it sting, burn and hurt like hell, I continued masturbating in other ways until I reached orgasm just cause I couldn't stop and just had to. And continued to wear butt plugs days after it had started getting uncomfortable and sore because I didn't want to stop wearing them. Addicted to the act itself, even if there is no pleasure. That's not good. Eventually I did manage to stop with the plugs and give my ass a much needed break though. And I didn't cause any serious damage, just very slight tearing and some mild soreness. But still, what the fuck have I been up to?

I wear out vibrators in no time, depending on quality, but they never last longer than 6 months and no it's not just the battery that needs changing. I spend way too much money on sex toys. I'm probably up at somewhere around 4000 kr over the years now in vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, lubes, bdsm-stuff, so on and what not.

I have hundreds of porn videos book-marked on my browser and have watched things from most categories out there. I've even ventured into the really disturbing stuff that most people would never consider watching (some may or may not be illegal even), let alone actually masturbate to and get off from. But yeah, I am quite picky with what works for me and sometimes spend hours trying to find a good enough video clip when I'm tired of all those book-marked ones. What I like also changes over time.

When I try to abstain from it altogether, like those three weeks I mentioned, it's a nightmare. I'm very agitated, easily irritated, frustrated, like I'm sitting on needles constantly. I can't focus on anything else than how much I need an orgasm. I have wet dreams at night that lead me to start masturbating in my sleep, waking me up with my hands in my underwear. Not sure if you noticed that happening a few times. I don't sleep particularly well, more difficult to eat. Basically, I'm a total mess when I try to abstain, and my subconscious mind is making me do weird things. All of that happens when I've gone without it for just a few days. After weeks, it's severe.

I can't stop, I literally can't stop. Not on my own at least. Maybe if someone tied me down and made sure I got food and water, or if I was in a coma. I'm sure it can only be categorised as an extreme addiction that's gotten quite far out of control by now. The frequency of it isn't the problem, it's the "how" and that I can't stop no matter what.

However, my only issues with it now are what the fuck to do when I'll be newly post op from SRS and will have to manage weeks without masturbating (I've actually been thinking of making myself a chastity belt of some kind, something to protect that area from myself without damaging it, to wear especially at night, and then "just survive" somehow), also trying not to cause myself physical damage again, and that me being so sex obsessed in general these days is getting a bit annoying cause I think about sex like 90% of the time if not more. I want to think about other things too, but I can't. Starting to like that activity, certainly didn't come without a price. A price high enough to nearly break me.

No it's never been this bad before, and it's also never been this good before. I'm a maniac, but I love it too. My high sex drive certainly made it even more compulsive, erratic, careless and flat out insane. I feel like I need it now more than ever, and the chains it wraps me in hold me much tighter now. Not much space to move at all.

But yeah, it's a very long term addiction, and as long as I'm careful (more careful than I've been, that is) it's not actually harmful to me or anyone else. It doesn't even involve anyone else, except possibly on the economical aspect. As far as I'm aware though, it does sort of count in as a variant of sex addiction, but it also doesn't, because it doesn't involve other people. It's more in a category of its own, closely related to sex addiction.

Also it's considered a form of hypersexuality, or a result of that rather. I don't know, for me it's a result of childhood sexual abuse, and then being reluctant to ever even talk about it and being conflicted between wanting to stop and wanting to keep it around... it just lead to nothing ever having been done about it. And I'm still just as conflicted.

However the practical issues are what concern me the most about it these days, that in terms of post op healing, financial, health-related and that it's very time-consuming nowadays. But I think the time-consuming factor is the least important one. I don't really know how to solve any of those problems yet, but I'm working on it.

Now I'm not even sure what's biggest issue: having an insanely high sex drive or being very addicted to masturbation? They do tie together in a messy whirl, but I've been addicted to masturbation even when I have had low to no sex drive too. It's always been around. I don't know if I'll bring this up with any therapist or doctor, I don't know. I might, but I have a feeling I'd regret it if I would. So I'm just venting for now as I try to come up with solutions for what's important to solve about it.