I don't know if I mentioned it "out loud" here on my blog or if it remained private, but I did write about that I wondered when you were gonna show up in my nightly dreams, Y. And so it happens that this night you did. I don't remember exactly what went on in my dream, but it was a lot of people involved, from my present time and my past. I think you had been to a hair salon to get purple hair but the hair dresser had messed up and it was more of a pinkish brown shade. That's all I remember though.
I am gonna answer your message on tumblr soon. It's just that (and this might be a stupid reason, I don't know) I don't write very well here at my parents' place cause I can't smoke simultaneously since I have to be outdoors when smoking and I can't bring my stationary computer with me out there. You are not forgotten nor neglected though, and I just thought I should tell you that. I might figure out a way to solve this problem, I will try to at least. Otherwise, I do get back home to my own apartment soon after New Years again. Okay, that's all I can think of right now.
Friday, 25 December 2015
Monday, 21 December 2015
Hardly breathe
What do I do when I have thoughts I don't want to write down? I need to purge more, I need to harm my heart more. I don't even know why, but it's a response of some kind. Maybe I miss the flutters, symptoms that made me feel like dying. Like I actually had some kind of control.
I'm listening to "Diamonds and rust" by Blackmore's Night on repeat and shiver every single time. I don't think I've really listened to it before but I know I have heard it. I know it was K who made me start listening to that band, but indirectly so. I mean, he posted a music video of them quite some time ago (like 2 years ago) somewhere and it got me curious.
I guess I'll continue my self destruction by eating disorder next year. Cause these damn holidays are in my bloody way. I can't starve and probably can't purge either at my parents' place. I feel so damn empty right now, like the air just went out of me and I've forgotten how to breathe, but it's just a feeling and I'm still breathing.
I shouldn't get so upset every single time but I do. Containing it, yes, you would not be able to tell just by looking at me how the sadness that tore me apart turned to an aching numbness. I just don't even show emotions so how would I be able to show the lack of them?
And I want to tell you something Y, anything but I'm all out of words. Not that I feel like I have to or anything such, I just want to, but feel incapable. Thoughts of K are spinning on overdrive in my stressed out mind and I worry about him. I'm still capable of thinking of you too in the midst of that though. I'm in so many places at once right now and it literally makes me dizzy. And I don't have much control over it at all. Some, but not much.
I think without words, feel without emotions right now and it's all just a tumbling mess inside of me. I'm so tired but I can't sleep in this state. Eventually I'll have to. It hurts to smoke but I can't stop. Lighting a new cigarette right after putting the old one out. Again and again until I can restore some kind of sanity. I hope I can at least smoke myself to death eventually. My breathing problems have never been this severe and persistent before. I might be onto something there.
I can't make myself cook a meal just to purge it. Just the thought of food grosses me out and I can't make myself eat anything in this state. I don't even know how to describe it. Just a vague, distant... something. What's left of a thought or a feeling when you've suppressed it half enough to kill it but not entirely? There, that's where I am. It's the fear again, and it took me this long to figure that out, but it's barely there anymore. I think it broke me, or I broke it somehow. Cause I can't fully reach it anymore. It hangs over me and lingers, breaks me but I somehow manage to suppress it, to push away, at least somewhat.
Cause I could never deal with it, could never suffer through it. That fear, the strongest type of fear I've ever felt and it's very specific. I do get reminded sometimes, but it can't overwhelm me anymore. But... shouldn't say that too fast or too loud or it might just surprise me. Hit me with full strength again. If something happens. Then I'll crash so fucking hard I'll break into tiny pieces and I doubt I'd be able to fully restore again afterwards. But something might also not happen and my fears might not come true. I hope for that. What else can I do? I can't protect him.
"If you're offering diamonds and rust, I've already paid" makes me shiver every time I hear it. I don't even know why. It just hits a certain spot in me and I lose all direction I ever had in my thoughts. I don't know what to make of the lyrics yet, but they sound familiar somehow. Like they could be about K, or Caspian. Yeah, more about the latter, I suppose. But I can't even think about Caspian right now, cause missing him too in the midst of everything would just break me.
I don't really refuse any thoughts or feelings though, except from this fear, that is. Everything else can just come and go as it pleases. I've noticed it's best that way. And I need, I truly believe that I need to put some effort into pushing away that fear. I would do all sorts of crazy and dangerous things just to cope otherwise. Anything, sincerely anything. And it still wouldn't help. So, somehow I think it's better to suppress it. Bottle it up, choke it with numbness.
I'm listening to "Diamonds and rust" by Blackmore's Night on repeat and shiver every single time. I don't think I've really listened to it before but I know I have heard it. I know it was K who made me start listening to that band, but indirectly so. I mean, he posted a music video of them quite some time ago (like 2 years ago) somewhere and it got me curious.
I guess I'll continue my self destruction by eating disorder next year. Cause these damn holidays are in my bloody way. I can't starve and probably can't purge either at my parents' place. I feel so damn empty right now, like the air just went out of me and I've forgotten how to breathe, but it's just a feeling and I'm still breathing.
I shouldn't get so upset every single time but I do. Containing it, yes, you would not be able to tell just by looking at me how the sadness that tore me apart turned to an aching numbness. I just don't even show emotions so how would I be able to show the lack of them?
And I want to tell you something Y, anything but I'm all out of words. Not that I feel like I have to or anything such, I just want to, but feel incapable. Thoughts of K are spinning on overdrive in my stressed out mind and I worry about him. I'm still capable of thinking of you too in the midst of that though. I'm in so many places at once right now and it literally makes me dizzy. And I don't have much control over it at all. Some, but not much.
I think without words, feel without emotions right now and it's all just a tumbling mess inside of me. I'm so tired but I can't sleep in this state. Eventually I'll have to. It hurts to smoke but I can't stop. Lighting a new cigarette right after putting the old one out. Again and again until I can restore some kind of sanity. I hope I can at least smoke myself to death eventually. My breathing problems have never been this severe and persistent before. I might be onto something there.
I can't make myself cook a meal just to purge it. Just the thought of food grosses me out and I can't make myself eat anything in this state. I don't even know how to describe it. Just a vague, distant... something. What's left of a thought or a feeling when you've suppressed it half enough to kill it but not entirely? There, that's where I am. It's the fear again, and it took me this long to figure that out, but it's barely there anymore. I think it broke me, or I broke it somehow. Cause I can't fully reach it anymore. It hangs over me and lingers, breaks me but I somehow manage to suppress it, to push away, at least somewhat.
Cause I could never deal with it, could never suffer through it. That fear, the strongest type of fear I've ever felt and it's very specific. I do get reminded sometimes, but it can't overwhelm me anymore. But... shouldn't say that too fast or too loud or it might just surprise me. Hit me with full strength again. If something happens. Then I'll crash so fucking hard I'll break into tiny pieces and I doubt I'd be able to fully restore again afterwards. But something might also not happen and my fears might not come true. I hope for that. What else can I do? I can't protect him.
"If you're offering diamonds and rust, I've already paid" makes me shiver every time I hear it. I don't even know why. It just hits a certain spot in me and I lose all direction I ever had in my thoughts. I don't know what to make of the lyrics yet, but they sound familiar somehow. Like they could be about K, or Caspian. Yeah, more about the latter, I suppose. But I can't even think about Caspian right now, cause missing him too in the midst of everything would just break me.
I don't really refuse any thoughts or feelings though, except from this fear, that is. Everything else can just come and go as it pleases. I've noticed it's best that way. And I need, I truly believe that I need to put some effort into pushing away that fear. I would do all sorts of crazy and dangerous things just to cope otherwise. Anything, sincerely anything. And it still wouldn't help. So, somehow I think it's better to suppress it. Bottle it up, choke it with numbness.
Siamese children related by the heart
Where do you go, with a heart that wants to stay and a soul that wants to go home? My mind doesn't want to stay either, so I'm guessing it's two against one, but my body always wins and it wants to stay the most. I don't even know why my body is trying so extremely hard to keep me alive. What is its goal? What does it want? Does it even have a clue? It's like a machinery put on autopilot and there's no stopping it. I can't pull the plug cause it's automatic and runs on god knows what.
I don't even know what to compare it with. Stupidity, perhaps. That my body is just stupid and keeps me alive for absolutely no reason at all. It carries a mind and soul that don't want to be alive and have never wanted it in the first place. My longing for Dala is not extreme today, but my wish to stay live is still non-existent. I guess I don't care much where I am, I just don't like being alive in this awful place. Yeah, yeah, I get by with my poems and drawings and the people I care about but none of that makes me truly want to stay alive. I don't think anything ever can.
Except possibly love. If it's K, or someone else, sometime in the future. Yeah, I'm still hooked on the idea that love can make me want to give life another chance. I don't think it could save me, but it could possibly help me save myself. Is that stupid, to think that way? When I don't even know what it is I'm hoping for? I mean I've never had it. How can I then know it's gonna be my ticket out of misery? I can't know. I can only hope, cause after all, it's literally the only hope I have left.
I don't dream anymore, I don't see the point in doing so, cause dreams only shatter eventually, I might as well spare myself from that pain and stop dreaming altogether. At school, they almost force me to dream. To think about the future in what they perceive as positive ways, but all that does is hurting me because it can never turn out that way. I'm a realistic, rational person who is also very romantic and has unrealistic dreams and high hopes. It does not match very well. As my realistic side keeps bringing down my dreamy side and the other way around. The two sides constantly tear each other apart.
It's become exhausting and only wounds are left. I'm tired of fighting myself, watching different sides of me tear each other bloody for there can't ever be a middle ground and they can't ever find a way to co-exist. That's the reality of being a contradiction, and that's just the me side of me, I haven't even included Anna. She's a third part in almost everything. So maybe I'm not just black and white simultaneously, I'm black white and something else as well. Cause I don't know which colour to possibly give Anna. Maybe purple, soothing and calming like blue, but fiery and raging like red. I don't know.
But yeah, my contradictions tear me to pieces cause they're always fighting each other no matter how much I'm trying to not let any fights go on inside of me. They just can't agree to disagree under any circumstances. At all. Fight, fight, fight, win, win, win. Maybe there just is no god damned winning? I'm tired of it. I feel a bit like maybe I was supposed to be parted up into three different people instead of "just" two, but I'm somehow the mind of two different personalities. Like my soul was supposed to be split again, but only partially did.
I see it a little as that at least, that me and Anna is some kind of soul split. I really am grasping at straws and it's just a theory, or a way for me to describe it. I think it's at least fairly close to what could be the truth? I used to be just one person, then suddenly I was two. One primary personality (John) and one dormant (Anna), but they're both me. We haven't really gotten even one step closer to becoming one again. It's like... we become more different and apart from each other all the time, at the same time as we're also becoming more alike. We both are expanding. She shows new sides and I do too.
I still can't help but wonder who I would have been if I had never split the way I did. That song, "Jigsaw" by Marillion, makes me think a lot about Anna and us two. Like, I'm still not 100% sure of how to even interpret the lyrics, but yeah. "We are Siamese children related by the heart, bleeding from the surgery of initial confrontation, holding the word scalpels on trembling lips." -kinda makes me think about that. Like, if we'd ever separate, you know. And also "Are we trigger happy? Russian roulette in the waiting room." reminds of how eager we may be to separate. A little too eager, perhaps.
And "drifting past the point of reasons why" is a part of the lyrics I also relate to, but that is harder to explain exactly why. But yeah, always when I hear that song it makes me think about Anna. Oh, but I have a whole playlist of songs on Spotify that remind me of her. I can barely breathe as I chain smoke again. The crew said they'd call "later" but now it's just too damn late and I'm too tired to do anything. They had some planning to do or something. I don't care which.
I don't even know what to compare it with. Stupidity, perhaps. That my body is just stupid and keeps me alive for absolutely no reason at all. It carries a mind and soul that don't want to be alive and have never wanted it in the first place. My longing for Dala is not extreme today, but my wish to stay live is still non-existent. I guess I don't care much where I am, I just don't like being alive in this awful place. Yeah, yeah, I get by with my poems and drawings and the people I care about but none of that makes me truly want to stay alive. I don't think anything ever can.
Except possibly love. If it's K, or someone else, sometime in the future. Yeah, I'm still hooked on the idea that love can make me want to give life another chance. I don't think it could save me, but it could possibly help me save myself. Is that stupid, to think that way? When I don't even know what it is I'm hoping for? I mean I've never had it. How can I then know it's gonna be my ticket out of misery? I can't know. I can only hope, cause after all, it's literally the only hope I have left.
I don't dream anymore, I don't see the point in doing so, cause dreams only shatter eventually, I might as well spare myself from that pain and stop dreaming altogether. At school, they almost force me to dream. To think about the future in what they perceive as positive ways, but all that does is hurting me because it can never turn out that way. I'm a realistic, rational person who is also very romantic and has unrealistic dreams and high hopes. It does not match very well. As my realistic side keeps bringing down my dreamy side and the other way around. The two sides constantly tear each other apart.
It's become exhausting and only wounds are left. I'm tired of fighting myself, watching different sides of me tear each other bloody for there can't ever be a middle ground and they can't ever find a way to co-exist. That's the reality of being a contradiction, and that's just the me side of me, I haven't even included Anna. She's a third part in almost everything. So maybe I'm not just black and white simultaneously, I'm black white and something else as well. Cause I don't know which colour to possibly give Anna. Maybe purple, soothing and calming like blue, but fiery and raging like red. I don't know.
But yeah, my contradictions tear me to pieces cause they're always fighting each other no matter how much I'm trying to not let any fights go on inside of me. They just can't agree to disagree under any circumstances. At all. Fight, fight, fight, win, win, win. Maybe there just is no god damned winning? I'm tired of it. I feel a bit like maybe I was supposed to be parted up into three different people instead of "just" two, but I'm somehow the mind of two different personalities. Like my soul was supposed to be split again, but only partially did.
I see it a little as that at least, that me and Anna is some kind of soul split. I really am grasping at straws and it's just a theory, or a way for me to describe it. I think it's at least fairly close to what could be the truth? I used to be just one person, then suddenly I was two. One primary personality (John) and one dormant (Anna), but they're both me. We haven't really gotten even one step closer to becoming one again. It's like... we become more different and apart from each other all the time, at the same time as we're also becoming more alike. We both are expanding. She shows new sides and I do too.
I still can't help but wonder who I would have been if I had never split the way I did. That song, "Jigsaw" by Marillion, makes me think a lot about Anna and us two. Like, I'm still not 100% sure of how to even interpret the lyrics, but yeah. "We are Siamese children related by the heart, bleeding from the surgery of initial confrontation, holding the word scalpels on trembling lips." -kinda makes me think about that. Like, if we'd ever separate, you know. And also "Are we trigger happy? Russian roulette in the waiting room." reminds of how eager we may be to separate. A little too eager, perhaps.
And "drifting past the point of reasons why" is a part of the lyrics I also relate to, but that is harder to explain exactly why. But yeah, always when I hear that song it makes me think about Anna. Oh, but I have a whole playlist of songs on Spotify that remind me of her. I can barely breathe as I chain smoke again. The crew said they'd call "later" but now it's just too damn late and I'm too tired to do anything. They had some planning to do or something. I don't care which.
Heart and soul
I don't know what to do with today. Morning thoughts still linger past 15:00 o'clock and I'm in some kind of vague mist where everything is dulled. But it's clear at the same time. Maybe it's just empty and I'm using too many words to describe a void. Or maybe it's something deeper that I can't grab, nor understand. It's too early for feelings like these. Or maybe I just woke up too late. Don't understand why I slept for so long, the only thing I can think of is that I was awake for a long time yesterday and drawing takes more energy than it feels like when I'm at it. It comes afterwards.
I'm listening to Marillion again and I feel it was just the right choice of music this time. Lately it's been hard to find what my heart wants, erh, in terms of music, that is. No, in any other terms my heart screams loud and clear for what it wants. Constantly, fucking constantly and it's exhausting to listen to. I don't really listen to it though, as I cannot give it what it wants. I just acknowledge it, accept it and let it scream. Soothe it if I can. Tell it that with time and patience, anything could potentially be possible.
What else can I do? Telling it to simply shut up with the constant nagging is obviously not gonna help at all. Then it's better to just let it be, let it hunger for what it aches for. Perhaps it will let me breathe someday. I'm so full of aching and longing that it tears me apart more often than I can understand. My heart for what it wants, and my soul for what it wants. It's not even the same things. I see it as, that my heart is human but my soul is not. The latter carries homesickness, or hiraeth, a longing too strong and alien for me to be able to fully describe. My heart mostly just wants love it cannot have.
It's as if they're two different species stuffed inside the same body, and they're separated from each other and don't communicate very well. They tear me in two different directions and in the end my soul will probably win. As it cries for death and for that to take me back to Dala, while my heart begs of me to stay and to be close to K and everyone else that I love. I believe, in the end my heart will take the biggest hit, as I cannot stay forever and even if I could, its yearning can still not be satisfied. It will die broken, shattered and scarred.
And I don't have the power to mend it. Even if I could though, it would most likely break again. And again and again. It might not be weak, but it's highly sensitive and can't carry all those big emotions its creating out of nowhere. I do believe that the best way, despite everything and how weird it may sound, is to let it remain broken. To somehow find a way to live with it being that way. That's better than to heal and break and heal and break again. I think that was worse in the past, as every time it broke I broke too. And why heal it when it obviously is completely pointless?
Is that what it's telling me? That it's pointless and I shouldn't even bother? That I should instead find a way to live with it as it is? It doesn't sound illogical to me. I believe it's a strategy I found only because I couldn't find a better one. Am I trying to live? I suddenly ask myself. No, but maybe I'm trying to find a way to survive. As it feels I don't have much of a choice and I can't die. I'm reaching the end of this thought process, and don't know how to finish this text. I just caved in and had some kind of breakfast and I can't think clear.
I'm listening to Marillion again and I feel it was just the right choice of music this time. Lately it's been hard to find what my heart wants, erh, in terms of music, that is. No, in any other terms my heart screams loud and clear for what it wants. Constantly, fucking constantly and it's exhausting to listen to. I don't really listen to it though, as I cannot give it what it wants. I just acknowledge it, accept it and let it scream. Soothe it if I can. Tell it that with time and patience, anything could potentially be possible.
What else can I do? Telling it to simply shut up with the constant nagging is obviously not gonna help at all. Then it's better to just let it be, let it hunger for what it aches for. Perhaps it will let me breathe someday. I'm so full of aching and longing that it tears me apart more often than I can understand. My heart for what it wants, and my soul for what it wants. It's not even the same things. I see it as, that my heart is human but my soul is not. The latter carries homesickness, or hiraeth, a longing too strong and alien for me to be able to fully describe. My heart mostly just wants love it cannot have.
It's as if they're two different species stuffed inside the same body, and they're separated from each other and don't communicate very well. They tear me in two different directions and in the end my soul will probably win. As it cries for death and for that to take me back to Dala, while my heart begs of me to stay and to be close to K and everyone else that I love. I believe, in the end my heart will take the biggest hit, as I cannot stay forever and even if I could, its yearning can still not be satisfied. It will die broken, shattered and scarred.
And I don't have the power to mend it. Even if I could though, it would most likely break again. And again and again. It might not be weak, but it's highly sensitive and can't carry all those big emotions its creating out of nowhere. I do believe that the best way, despite everything and how weird it may sound, is to let it remain broken. To somehow find a way to live with it being that way. That's better than to heal and break and heal and break again. I think that was worse in the past, as every time it broke I broke too. And why heal it when it obviously is completely pointless?
Is that what it's telling me? That it's pointless and I shouldn't even bother? That I should instead find a way to live with it as it is? It doesn't sound illogical to me. I believe it's a strategy I found only because I couldn't find a better one. Am I trying to live? I suddenly ask myself. No, but maybe I'm trying to find a way to survive. As it feels I don't have much of a choice and I can't die. I'm reaching the end of this thought process, and don't know how to finish this text. I just caved in and had some kind of breakfast and I can't think clear.
Saturday, 19 December 2015
Boredom and anger
My computer just randomly shut down while I was asleep again. My heart is racing and I don't know why. It makes me dizzy. I'm so tired and can't focus on anything. Just had breakfast though. Don't know if that will help with anything. But it could. More coffee, what am I supposed to do? I feel sick-ish but it's probably just because I've been drinking two nights in a row.
Tried to sleep but couldn't. I'm just somewhere between awake and asleep and I'm not very good at doing either right now. I was gonna book a laundry appointment but it was seriously full booked until late night of December the 23rd. That's what you get for not remembering it until now. I guess I'll just wear the same dirty tracksuit for another couple of weeks then. Oh sigh, what's the damn difference anyway? They haven't been washed since September or if it was August, so what difference does two more weeks make?
And I imagine watching one of my favourite movies with K and telling him my birth name cause it has some significance to that movie. I wouldn't mind him knowing at all. It's a part of my past, a part of me and I do want to share everything with him, eventually. But I don't just want to throw information on him, you know, I believe everything has its time and place. And we just haven't gotten there yet. I wouldn't tell him in a room full of people I don't know, but if it was just me and him, and possibly his partner too, I wouldn't mind it.
There are more people I would want to tell, like Y, but yeah, time and place are always things to consider for me. Sometimes other things seem to me more important to talk about. Hah, so far I've only told a few people, completely on accident, and I regretted it for so long. Not counting in those who know/knew me from before, that is. But those I have told, who didn't know, have been very few. I still hate that name, and it still sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it. I'm glad I don't have a classmate with that name, but just because I said it, I will probably get a new one with that name by next term.
I can deal with it, when other people have my birth name, but it's never easy. And it's a very common female name, that much I can say. Common, all around the world. I've literally heard of Spanish, French, American, even Indian women with that name. Only thing good about it, is its meaning. It's awful and badass at the same time, according to me then. It fit me rather good, except that it was the wrong gender. Nah, I won't give you any more clues here, it's too risky, don't want people I don't trust with my life to find out.
But yes, there are a few people I wouldn't mind knowing at all. Like I think it could even possibly bring us closer. I don't know, I'm thinking things I should not tell here. And that I won't. I only share my own life and secrets here, no one else's. Or, I very much try to not do that. My thoughts seem to be on K a lot tonight and I can't really find a specific reason as to why. Why more than usual, I mean.
I can't wake up, I just fucking can't. It's 17:53 and I feel half dead. Half drunk but the alcohol isn't helping. Not today, and it's the last day I can drink before I go to my parents' place and then it will be less drinking, but not nothing I suppose. I'm gonna try to stay away from beer though. I know they always drink a lot of it. I don't know what I'll do, I really don't know. Maybe I'll still drink it cause booze is booze. And that Christmas special beer usually isn't so bad.
Hell is living without you... I still feel what Alice Cooper sings. Mainly cause I don't know at all what to listen to so I take first best playlist on Spotify. I just don't know at all. Four drinks down now, I'm losing my ability to write but gain nothing. Nothing but the same old heartache increased and my thoughts are dulled. I love K so much my heart hurts again. I don't really like it when it is that way. What good does it do?
Take it down a bit from Alice Cooper and listen to Sigur Ros instead. No lyrics, just wonderful tunes. They sometimes have lyrics but I'm not very good at understanding Icelandic. Could look it up, but I don't care. I went shopping cause I was bored and craved pizza. Again. Could only eat half of it though, save the rest for tomorrow.
Yay, I can soon go to bed! Cause I'm so incredibly bored and don't really care about being awake. ESO is taking forever to update and WoW is boring me half to death. I literally just tore my knuckles bloody from banging my fist too... I don't even know in what way, against my desk. I think I must have scraped it against the edge somehow. Cause I can't make ESO work right now and it wants me to delete some random files and I just... nope, nope and certainly not today. Not a shred of me has the energy to do that. I just swallowed half a handful of pills and hope this day will just end soon enough. Can't fucking stand it.
Tried to sleep but couldn't. I'm just somewhere between awake and asleep and I'm not very good at doing either right now. I was gonna book a laundry appointment but it was seriously full booked until late night of December the 23rd. That's what you get for not remembering it until now. I guess I'll just wear the same dirty tracksuit for another couple of weeks then. Oh sigh, what's the damn difference anyway? They haven't been washed since September or if it was August, so what difference does two more weeks make?
And I imagine watching one of my favourite movies with K and telling him my birth name cause it has some significance to that movie. I wouldn't mind him knowing at all. It's a part of my past, a part of me and I do want to share everything with him, eventually. But I don't just want to throw information on him, you know, I believe everything has its time and place. And we just haven't gotten there yet. I wouldn't tell him in a room full of people I don't know, but if it was just me and him, and possibly his partner too, I wouldn't mind it.
There are more people I would want to tell, like Y, but yeah, time and place are always things to consider for me. Sometimes other things seem to me more important to talk about. Hah, so far I've only told a few people, completely on accident, and I regretted it for so long. Not counting in those who know/knew me from before, that is. But those I have told, who didn't know, have been very few. I still hate that name, and it still sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it. I'm glad I don't have a classmate with that name, but just because I said it, I will probably get a new one with that name by next term.
I can deal with it, when other people have my birth name, but it's never easy. And it's a very common female name, that much I can say. Common, all around the world. I've literally heard of Spanish, French, American, even Indian women with that name. Only thing good about it, is its meaning. It's awful and badass at the same time, according to me then. It fit me rather good, except that it was the wrong gender. Nah, I won't give you any more clues here, it's too risky, don't want people I don't trust with my life to find out.
But yes, there are a few people I wouldn't mind knowing at all. Like I think it could even possibly bring us closer. I don't know, I'm thinking things I should not tell here. And that I won't. I only share my own life and secrets here, no one else's. Or, I very much try to not do that. My thoughts seem to be on K a lot tonight and I can't really find a specific reason as to why. Why more than usual, I mean.
I can't wake up, I just fucking can't. It's 17:53 and I feel half dead. Half drunk but the alcohol isn't helping. Not today, and it's the last day I can drink before I go to my parents' place and then it will be less drinking, but not nothing I suppose. I'm gonna try to stay away from beer though. I know they always drink a lot of it. I don't know what I'll do, I really don't know. Maybe I'll still drink it cause booze is booze. And that Christmas special beer usually isn't so bad.
Hell is living without you... I still feel what Alice Cooper sings. Mainly cause I don't know at all what to listen to so I take first best playlist on Spotify. I just don't know at all. Four drinks down now, I'm losing my ability to write but gain nothing. Nothing but the same old heartache increased and my thoughts are dulled. I love K so much my heart hurts again. I don't really like it when it is that way. What good does it do?
Take it down a bit from Alice Cooper and listen to Sigur Ros instead. No lyrics, just wonderful tunes. They sometimes have lyrics but I'm not very good at understanding Icelandic. Could look it up, but I don't care. I went shopping cause I was bored and craved pizza. Again. Could only eat half of it though, save the rest for tomorrow.
Yay, I can soon go to bed! Cause I'm so incredibly bored and don't really care about being awake. ESO is taking forever to update and WoW is boring me half to death. I literally just tore my knuckles bloody from banging my fist too... I don't even know in what way, against my desk. I think I must have scraped it against the edge somehow. Cause I can't make ESO work right now and it wants me to delete some random files and I just... nope, nope and certainly not today. Not a shred of me has the energy to do that. I just swallowed half a handful of pills and hope this day will just end soon enough. Can't fucking stand it.
Thursday, 17 December 2015
What it all comes down to
Now they're both depressed and I don't really know what to do with myself. Like, I kinda feel jolly happy in comparison except I've got no reason to be and I'm still miserable. Yes, I still am suicidal and hate most of my life, but I still can't see the possibility that I would be depressed. Neither can any doctor I've spoken to the past 10 years. I'm half depressed, like low, constantly, but it's more like some kind of melancholy?
I just want to be a support for both of them but I feel helpless and clueless. I don't mind it at all, loving and or caring about people with depression, it can happen to anyone and doesn't make them any less lovable/likable. But it's a bit difficult too, as I just want to be around them even when thy don't feel up for having any company at all. I'm just words and expression with nowhere to to turn. I wish I could do more, but I'm so very far away and can't just... you know, do anything than sit on my ass.
I think it's my own inability to know what to do with myself that is the only fault here, that I wish I could do more than I actually can and I feel too persistent, annoying and in the way. And maybe it has nothing to do with their states of mind, cause I grew up thinking I was like that. That I'm a bother, in the way and should just shut up and sit in my corner. Well, everyone except from my parents seemed to think that way. That I was just wrong and should change but I couldn't.
Mabe it's my asperger to blame, I don't know. I was kinda born with it and it's always been a fucking bother. To me and everyone around me. Although, in my teens I learned somehow, how to act like "normal" people do, in some ways at least and yeah, I think it all just comes down to me and my own insecurities. I don't feel good in this drunkenness, I feel like a fucking failure. And I know it's very likely that you, and others, don't perceive me that way. But I do and that hurts.
I feel like I'm just never good enough no matter how hard I try. How many million times have I tried my fucking best and still ended up failing miserably? Enough times to have it imprinted in my brain that I am an utter failure. And I blame it on a curse when I really should just blame it on the faulty wiring in my brain combined with my over sensitivity. I take things so hard, every time I fail at something, it can be very small, I just crash and I crash so damn hard. I lose all faith every single time thinking I can literally never get it right.
It doesn't matter what it is and I can't even think of an example. Cause I'm too drunk and I'm just a sad alcoholic. Another life wasted, huh? So no, I have absolutely nothing against any of the two depressed souls that I would do close to anything to care for and support, all I have against is my own damn self. Sometimes I wonder how can I not be depressed myself? I have every god damn reason to be but I'm not. I still laugh and enjoy myself between the deepest, darkest moments of self hatred, anxiety and feelings I don't even have names for. I love and live, despite of everything, and I just can't understand it.
No, of course I don't want to be depressed, but this has been bothering me for all these 10 years since that first doctor I ever saw prescribed me Prozac after my second suicide attempt (the first they were aware of) because suicide attempt are so commonly associated with depression. But the pills had no effect and I wasn't even diagnosed with depression. Instead I got Sertraline or Zoloft which is the same thing, and I did feel better for some time but it was the circumstances. Life became better as I got into a really good school/class, fell in love with R and everything was good because of what happened around me.
Then I've tried almost every anti-depressant drug known to man and I can't even remember them all cause I just couldn't understand why they weren't working. I've tried to kill myself 18 times but I was never depressed. It just doesn't fit. Think I dreamed of a 19th suicide attempt this night, hrm, I just remembered. I wondered what I did in that dream, if maybe it's something I could try in real life.
It's become my CV, my rap sheet, my senseless pride about how many times I've tried to end my life. How many people managed 18 times and still live to tell the stories? It all begins with a thought, then what I do often hasn't been even close to deadly. That's how I survived it. But I never wanted to survive, never hoped someone would save me. I just wanted it all gone. And I still do.
I am and have been thinking about trying again lately but I don't know if I'm gathering courage or what. I think of one, maybe two different methods. One is probably more deadly than the other but they're both very dangerous and could possibly damage my brain. Permanently. If I don't die, that is. Although, if I die my brain would definitely be permanently damaged. Since you don't really come out of that state. I really should just take a god damn needle and my black pen ink and stab in the words "do not resuscitate" on my wrist or something before going ahead with any of those two methods though. Just in case.
But write it in Swedish in case the fuck ass who tries to "save" me didn't go to enough English lessons at school to understand my writing. Urgh, I don't really want Swedish words permanently under my skin, but what the fuck else to do, kinda. It's leaning a lot more to one method more than the other due to technical and practical reasons. I don't want to scare any of my readers way too much so won't say what I'm half planning to do. I haven't planned very far, but after 18 failed attempts, I don't any longer believe that much planning is even necessary.
Just get the tools necessary for the job, write a 45679904th suicide letter and wait for the right opportunity. I still stay alive throughout this horrible year though. Cause I think I'll do it somewhere at school and it's very closed there now until next year. Never talking about my suicide attempts in real life kinda seems to make them pile on even more... Like I just don't care anymore, it's my life, my death. And I wonder how many attempts it will take, before I either get better or die. One of those things are bound to happen at some point in my life.
Cause either I'll die from suicide or I won't. It's really that simple. I wonder what will catch up with me first, suicide death or natural death. Well, I could get into some kind of accident or get murdered too though, but somehow that seems less likely. I'm sorry, I'm worrying you for no reason. I don't plan to try suicide again before next year and that's weeks ahead, yet I write as if it could happen tomorrow. It's not gonna, that much I can promise.
But I do feel torn, as I'm just getting drunker, half laughing at stupid things, half wanting to die. And I'm getting bored again, as I took a WoW break and then got bored with it. I did however look up the cost of getting ESO (elder scrolls online, pc game) and it wasn't that very pricey, so I think I'll go for it. Tomorrow that is, cause that's when I'll get more money. Maybe I should just go to bed, I don't know. I don't care.
I just want to be a support for both of them but I feel helpless and clueless. I don't mind it at all, loving and or caring about people with depression, it can happen to anyone and doesn't make them any less lovable/likable. But it's a bit difficult too, as I just want to be around them even when thy don't feel up for having any company at all. I'm just words and expression with nowhere to to turn. I wish I could do more, but I'm so very far away and can't just... you know, do anything than sit on my ass.
I think it's my own inability to know what to do with myself that is the only fault here, that I wish I could do more than I actually can and I feel too persistent, annoying and in the way. And maybe it has nothing to do with their states of mind, cause I grew up thinking I was like that. That I'm a bother, in the way and should just shut up and sit in my corner. Well, everyone except from my parents seemed to think that way. That I was just wrong and should change but I couldn't.
Mabe it's my asperger to blame, I don't know. I was kinda born with it and it's always been a fucking bother. To me and everyone around me. Although, in my teens I learned somehow, how to act like "normal" people do, in some ways at least and yeah, I think it all just comes down to me and my own insecurities. I don't feel good in this drunkenness, I feel like a fucking failure. And I know it's very likely that you, and others, don't perceive me that way. But I do and that hurts.
I feel like I'm just never good enough no matter how hard I try. How many million times have I tried my fucking best and still ended up failing miserably? Enough times to have it imprinted in my brain that I am an utter failure. And I blame it on a curse when I really should just blame it on the faulty wiring in my brain combined with my over sensitivity. I take things so hard, every time I fail at something, it can be very small, I just crash and I crash so damn hard. I lose all faith every single time thinking I can literally never get it right.
It doesn't matter what it is and I can't even think of an example. Cause I'm too drunk and I'm just a sad alcoholic. Another life wasted, huh? So no, I have absolutely nothing against any of the two depressed souls that I would do close to anything to care for and support, all I have against is my own damn self. Sometimes I wonder how can I not be depressed myself? I have every god damn reason to be but I'm not. I still laugh and enjoy myself between the deepest, darkest moments of self hatred, anxiety and feelings I don't even have names for. I love and live, despite of everything, and I just can't understand it.
No, of course I don't want to be depressed, but this has been bothering me for all these 10 years since that first doctor I ever saw prescribed me Prozac after my second suicide attempt (the first they were aware of) because suicide attempt are so commonly associated with depression. But the pills had no effect and I wasn't even diagnosed with depression. Instead I got Sertraline or Zoloft which is the same thing, and I did feel better for some time but it was the circumstances. Life became better as I got into a really good school/class, fell in love with R and everything was good because of what happened around me.
Then I've tried almost every anti-depressant drug known to man and I can't even remember them all cause I just couldn't understand why they weren't working. I've tried to kill myself 18 times but I was never depressed. It just doesn't fit. Think I dreamed of a 19th suicide attempt this night, hrm, I just remembered. I wondered what I did in that dream, if maybe it's something I could try in real life.
It's become my CV, my rap sheet, my senseless pride about how many times I've tried to end my life. How many people managed 18 times and still live to tell the stories? It all begins with a thought, then what I do often hasn't been even close to deadly. That's how I survived it. But I never wanted to survive, never hoped someone would save me. I just wanted it all gone. And I still do.
I am and have been thinking about trying again lately but I don't know if I'm gathering courage or what. I think of one, maybe two different methods. One is probably more deadly than the other but they're both very dangerous and could possibly damage my brain. Permanently. If I don't die, that is. Although, if I die my brain would definitely be permanently damaged. Since you don't really come out of that state. I really should just take a god damn needle and my black pen ink and stab in the words "do not resuscitate" on my wrist or something before going ahead with any of those two methods though. Just in case.
But write it in Swedish in case the fuck ass who tries to "save" me didn't go to enough English lessons at school to understand my writing. Urgh, I don't really want Swedish words permanently under my skin, but what the fuck else to do, kinda. It's leaning a lot more to one method more than the other due to technical and practical reasons. I don't want to scare any of my readers way too much so won't say what I'm half planning to do. I haven't planned very far, but after 18 failed attempts, I don't any longer believe that much planning is even necessary.
Just get the tools necessary for the job, write a 45679904th suicide letter and wait for the right opportunity. I still stay alive throughout this horrible year though. Cause I think I'll do it somewhere at school and it's very closed there now until next year. Never talking about my suicide attempts in real life kinda seems to make them pile on even more... Like I just don't care anymore, it's my life, my death. And I wonder how many attempts it will take, before I either get better or die. One of those things are bound to happen at some point in my life.
Cause either I'll die from suicide or I won't. It's really that simple. I wonder what will catch up with me first, suicide death or natural death. Well, I could get into some kind of accident or get murdered too though, but somehow that seems less likely. I'm sorry, I'm worrying you for no reason. I don't plan to try suicide again before next year and that's weeks ahead, yet I write as if it could happen tomorrow. It's not gonna, that much I can promise.
But I do feel torn, as I'm just getting drunker, half laughing at stupid things, half wanting to die. And I'm getting bored again, as I took a WoW break and then got bored with it. I did however look up the cost of getting ESO (elder scrolls online, pc game) and it wasn't that very pricey, so I think I'll go for it. Tomorrow that is, cause that's when I'll get more money. Maybe I should just go to bed, I don't know. I don't care.
Lost in thoughts
Y, I just thought of it cause I'm past the point of crashing mentally and my mind is not working as intended (erh, more than usually, that is) but if you liked that song by Evanescence I would strongly also recommend "Lost in paradise" if you haven't heard it already. The lyrics in that song are even more amazing. It reminds me of Dala, Caspian, not feeling like I belong here and it might just be my number one favourite song by them.
Don't know if you're aware, but I think there's definitely a double meaning to the phrase "lost in paradise" as it means to be like you're living in your dreams, head in the clouds sort of, and also to me it means I'm lost in Dala, which is my paradise. Simply, that song has a very significant meaning to me. I'll share the lyrics here, just in case you're interested:
"I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me
All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go
Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Alone, and lost in paradise"
Just wanted to tell you that, briefly. I don't think my senses are working quite as they should and I've worn myself out quite a bit this week. But it was the last week of school for this term so I guess I wanted to make an effort. I think I just need to rest for a few days and then I should be myself again. I still want to write to you though, even when I don't know what to say. I just thought of something though, and that is I want to tell you that I don't find it annoying or bothersome in any way, that you're not answering much. I appreciate every little word you do write and they warm me, comfort me in a way.
And I don't want to stop writing to you no matter what, but it might happen that it could be a day or a few between my messages to you sometimes. But it's nothing against you at all. It's just my mind with a million things on it simultaneously that sometimes I get side tracked and I don't have much control over it. You know my thoughts and emotions rule me and I'm just trying to keep up as well as I can. Yes, you are on my mind even when I don't write to you, but it's not always concrete thoughts that I can easily write down.
Often times it's so abstract that all I know it's you lingering in there but I don't know much more than that. Though, I often ask myself how you are, what you could be doing or thinking at random moments of the day or night. I hope you're not doing too awful, that you can at least feel alright some moments here and there. And I think what I would do if I was there with in person, in your hardest and not so hard moments, any moments.
I don't really know what I would do, but to just be there, you know? Perhaps talk a little, share some of my experiences or random thoughts that happen to be on my mind. Yeah, you're not just on my mind when I'm half drunk at 2:00 am but also when I'm sober by my computer, at school or wherever at 11:00 am or 4:00 pm, or any other times of the day, in any state of mind, and any location. I'm not sure exactly what it means that I think so much about you, but that I care about you and want to be by your side.
There's a lot I haven't figured out yet, and mostly I try to leave it at that, for now at least. I believe I will figure things out when the time is right for that, and as of now I just accept it. Welcome the thoughts and whatever feelings may or may not be involved. They are a bit like abstract art that can be interpreted in many ways but really can't be interpreted at all. However, I don't try to fight them or analyse them to bits as of now, I have so much already going on and I just don't think now is a good time for it. Although, some days I do a little bit of analysing but so far it really hasn't gotten me much of anywhere.
I do believe they are positive feelings though, if there is such a thing. They're not dark, depressing or painful at least. They make me curious and I guess that curiosity is a bit hard for me to contain. Still echo everything we've said and written, or a lot of it at least as I can't remember exactly everything of course, but yeah a lot of it still echoes within me. I don't regret anything I've said, I have no reason to. Sometimes I might wish I had said more, but it's often like that, that you can't think of words in the moment but they come to you later on.
It's a lot like that for me. I might be thinking about a million things at once, but it's so hard to find words to say. I guess that could be a reason as to why it's easier for me to write than to talk, cause then I've got more time. I can go over the same text many times and add things and I could literally do that forever cause I can always find more stuff to add. It's an endless process that I eventually just have to end, or nothing would ever be finished.
But when I talk it's rather the opposite. Then I can't find words and everything in my head suddenly seems so vague and abstract. Although, I have noticed that it's not so hard for me to talk with you. I don't know why for sure, but I think it has to do with safeness, that I feel safe with you and then I can relax more and I'm not so scared of saying "the wrong thing" or messing up my words. I always have difficulties with that, even with my mother, my best friend and K. Even everyone I know and have known. I think that's my childhood shyness that still leaves a trail somehow.
I was very shy as a child and only ever spoke when someone first spoke to me. I never initiated contact under any circumstances. But then, when I was 15, summer between 8th and 9th grade, I just decided to "stop being shy" and ever since I've been working on it. I never thought it would still linger 11 years later though. I'm pretty certain it was the bullying that made me so shy, I just expected to be laughed at or get shit every time I opened my mouth.
But anyhow, I don't feel that shyness as much when I talk to you. A little bit, but it's like it's wearing off somehow. Also, I do tend to get completely random spurs of bravery/courage sometimes too where I do half insane things that are totally out of my comfort zone. Then it's like I don't even have a comfort zone. I'm not sure, but I don't think that's happened when I'm with you yet. Just saying that it can happen and also most likely one day will. It's something I do look forward to, or I would if I thought about it, but I'm not expecting it. Just know that it's a part of who I am, and I guess maybe I'd like for you to see that part as well.
Okay, I'm starting to run out of words, but I did apparently have a lot to say to you right now. I hope I could bring you some comfort or support, or anything along those lines. I'm still here and I want to show you that in any way I can. I still want to share my life with you, my thoughts and feelings. If I don't write to you in a few days again, please bear in mind that I am exhausted and beyond and might lose my words because of that. But I might also not and I might write you walls of text every single day. Or it becomes something in between, I can never really know.
It all depends on how my mind is working and how well. But no matter how it's working and if it's working, you're still on it. Every day and night. But for now I can't think of anything more to say, think I need to disappear into Azeroth (WoW) for a while and do some mindless monster killing. But I'll write to you again soon, as soon as something, anything pops up or becomes clear enough to put into words. If you need me, if I need you and any other times. You are dear to me, that too I want to have said before I end this text. You are, very much.
Don't know if you're aware, but I think there's definitely a double meaning to the phrase "lost in paradise" as it means to be like you're living in your dreams, head in the clouds sort of, and also to me it means I'm lost in Dala, which is my paradise. Simply, that song has a very significant meaning to me. I'll share the lyrics here, just in case you're interested:
"I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me
All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go
Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Alone, and lost in paradise"
Just wanted to tell you that, briefly. I don't think my senses are working quite as they should and I've worn myself out quite a bit this week. But it was the last week of school for this term so I guess I wanted to make an effort. I think I just need to rest for a few days and then I should be myself again. I still want to write to you though, even when I don't know what to say. I just thought of something though, and that is I want to tell you that I don't find it annoying or bothersome in any way, that you're not answering much. I appreciate every little word you do write and they warm me, comfort me in a way.
And I don't want to stop writing to you no matter what, but it might happen that it could be a day or a few between my messages to you sometimes. But it's nothing against you at all. It's just my mind with a million things on it simultaneously that sometimes I get side tracked and I don't have much control over it. You know my thoughts and emotions rule me and I'm just trying to keep up as well as I can. Yes, you are on my mind even when I don't write to you, but it's not always concrete thoughts that I can easily write down.
Often times it's so abstract that all I know it's you lingering in there but I don't know much more than that. Though, I often ask myself how you are, what you could be doing or thinking at random moments of the day or night. I hope you're not doing too awful, that you can at least feel alright some moments here and there. And I think what I would do if I was there with in person, in your hardest and not so hard moments, any moments.
I don't really know what I would do, but to just be there, you know? Perhaps talk a little, share some of my experiences or random thoughts that happen to be on my mind. Yeah, you're not just on my mind when I'm half drunk at 2:00 am but also when I'm sober by my computer, at school or wherever at 11:00 am or 4:00 pm, or any other times of the day, in any state of mind, and any location. I'm not sure exactly what it means that I think so much about you, but that I care about you and want to be by your side.
There's a lot I haven't figured out yet, and mostly I try to leave it at that, for now at least. I believe I will figure things out when the time is right for that, and as of now I just accept it. Welcome the thoughts and whatever feelings may or may not be involved. They are a bit like abstract art that can be interpreted in many ways but really can't be interpreted at all. However, I don't try to fight them or analyse them to bits as of now, I have so much already going on and I just don't think now is a good time for it. Although, some days I do a little bit of analysing but so far it really hasn't gotten me much of anywhere.
I do believe they are positive feelings though, if there is such a thing. They're not dark, depressing or painful at least. They make me curious and I guess that curiosity is a bit hard for me to contain. Still echo everything we've said and written, or a lot of it at least as I can't remember exactly everything of course, but yeah a lot of it still echoes within me. I don't regret anything I've said, I have no reason to. Sometimes I might wish I had said more, but it's often like that, that you can't think of words in the moment but they come to you later on.
It's a lot like that for me. I might be thinking about a million things at once, but it's so hard to find words to say. I guess that could be a reason as to why it's easier for me to write than to talk, cause then I've got more time. I can go over the same text many times and add things and I could literally do that forever cause I can always find more stuff to add. It's an endless process that I eventually just have to end, or nothing would ever be finished.
But when I talk it's rather the opposite. Then I can't find words and everything in my head suddenly seems so vague and abstract. Although, I have noticed that it's not so hard for me to talk with you. I don't know why for sure, but I think it has to do with safeness, that I feel safe with you and then I can relax more and I'm not so scared of saying "the wrong thing" or messing up my words. I always have difficulties with that, even with my mother, my best friend and K. Even everyone I know and have known. I think that's my childhood shyness that still leaves a trail somehow.
I was very shy as a child and only ever spoke when someone first spoke to me. I never initiated contact under any circumstances. But then, when I was 15, summer between 8th and 9th grade, I just decided to "stop being shy" and ever since I've been working on it. I never thought it would still linger 11 years later though. I'm pretty certain it was the bullying that made me so shy, I just expected to be laughed at or get shit every time I opened my mouth.
But anyhow, I don't feel that shyness as much when I talk to you. A little bit, but it's like it's wearing off somehow. Also, I do tend to get completely random spurs of bravery/courage sometimes too where I do half insane things that are totally out of my comfort zone. Then it's like I don't even have a comfort zone. I'm not sure, but I don't think that's happened when I'm with you yet. Just saying that it can happen and also most likely one day will. It's something I do look forward to, or I would if I thought about it, but I'm not expecting it. Just know that it's a part of who I am, and I guess maybe I'd like for you to see that part as well.
Okay, I'm starting to run out of words, but I did apparently have a lot to say to you right now. I hope I could bring you some comfort or support, or anything along those lines. I'm still here and I want to show you that in any way I can. I still want to share my life with you, my thoughts and feelings. If I don't write to you in a few days again, please bear in mind that I am exhausted and beyond and might lose my words because of that. But I might also not and I might write you walls of text every single day. Or it becomes something in between, I can never really know.
It all depends on how my mind is working and how well. But no matter how it's working and if it's working, you're still on it. Every day and night. But for now I can't think of anything more to say, think I need to disappear into Azeroth (WoW) for a while and do some mindless monster killing. But I'll write to you again soon, as soon as something, anything pops up or becomes clear enough to put into words. If you need me, if I need you and any other times. You are dear to me, that too I want to have said before I end this text. You are, very much.
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