Not really back

Alright, I haven't been on my blog for ever and I suppose now is the time to tell you why. I noticed that withdrawing from the internet made me feel better. To sort of "free" myself from the slight responsibility of what it means to be social. It has been more of a burden than it's been a positive thing. I couldn't explain what I wanted from anyone but I guess all I need is time and to simply be left alone. Socialising gave me anxiety of some form I can hardly describe nor do I care to.

Although, I'm still alive and perhaps not well, but I haven't been well in forever so whatever. I'm not really giving into much self destruction, as I noticed that as I retreated from the internet, my anxiety lessened and I didn't need to be so self destructive anymore. Up until a few weeks ago I spent most of my time drawing and now I play WoW instead. Endlessly, for 5-15 hours at a time. I got a character from level 1 to 100 in 12 days.

My sleep is disturbed, but mostly because I don't care about sleep. I stay up very late and drink coffee until 2-3 am until I decide to take my pills and go to bed at early sunrise. Some days I sleep until late afternoon, others only until morning. It's just boring to sleep and I hate routines. Eating habits are junk food and chocolate and I can no longer fit into my smallest pair of jeans. I am disgusted by my fat body and every day I try to change but I'm stuck with my eating habits. I try not to care about that either.

Then I have a new-ish obsession except from WoW which is to dress up in drag all by myself in my own apartment. Preferably late at night when no neighbours can see me through the windows. I bought a nice, blonde wig that literally took a month to arrive. I practice make-up almost every day now and actually bought some neat foundation from Kryolan which will hopefully arrive soon. My old foundation from E.L.F is really not good for my complex skin. It's not nearly covering enough and it gets flaky within minutes. I fixed up an old waist cinch/fake corset piece of clothing and made it into a patchwork pvc corset in black that goes neatly together with a pvc skirt that I had since before. I have no idea if I'll ever go out in drag but it's a possible future goal. If I can get it right, that is.

So far I'm really struggling to get the make-up looking good. I've got the contouring part kinda covered, but I completely mess it up with eye shadows and covering my eyebrows. It looks terrible but I'm getting there, eventually. I'm always confused by my gender identity because of this, even though I don't think it should complicate things. It's just gender expression, right? Well, the thing is I kinda miss presenting as female even though I'm trans male and yeah...

I haven't talked to K for weeks. I'm avoiding him too. I miss him so much it hurts if I dare to allow myself to even be remotely aware of my true feelings. Which I don't, 99% of the time. I put love behind me for good, at the same time as I somehow still keep waiting for him. I don't want to wait for him, but as for now, it's better than to fall for someone new and go through it all over again for the eleventh time. I know I can survive it, and that's the problem.

I'd rather be this misanthropic recluse and just stay away from almost all human interactions. Like I did in 2012, when I had packed my bags for Gotland to leave pieces of my broken heart behind me for good. It worked for a while. It worked all the way to May 2013 when I fell for K. But then I was out of reach and he was unavailable. So more misery came along and you all know that sob story by now. I'm trying to move on in my own way, or to find a way to move on.

A part of me still will never entirely give up on love, but I'll do my fucking best to not just fall head over heals for a perfect stranger or what might as well be. If I'm ever gonna find love I'd need to do it the way humans do, or find Caspian.

Sometimes I scroll on tumblr, without liking or reblogging anything. I'm curious about what goes on in everyone's lives, but I don't want to interact, I don't want to be seen or heard. Sneaking in the corners of your eye, vanishing before you can catch a glimpse. I saw K and his partner here on Gotland a couple of weeks ago or so. There were a lot of people around us. I had changed my hair and before they could look my way I instinctively turned away and walked in the other direction. I hope they didn't know it was me.

That's how invisible I want to be. From everyone that I love and care about. I think I need the space, but it doesn't mean I stop loving or caring. I just can't deal. I don't know why, but being social or trying my best to be really fucked me up. I'm not made for this world, I'm not made to be human.

The only interactions I still have are on this island. My family, although I try to avoid them too. The crew, my shrink, the school (but I avoided them all summer) and the nurse at the district health care centre who gives me my testosterone shot. Oh, and the people working at the grocery store where I buy my food. I really try to keep my interactions as few as possible.

School starts again on Monday. I've been thinking all summer but I still don't know if I want to go or not. Maybe just try it for a week or so, but if I feel it's just draining me too much or bores me or whatever I'll just quit. Now I should really log into WoW and try to earn all that stupid gold that I need for tailoring stuff and what not. At level 100, it just feels like a constant, endless gold grinding until I lose my temper.

Drawing Sylvanas again

At this point I'm starting to get scared that if I become too satisfied with a drawing I will end up destroying it for absolutely no good reason on Anna's command. Her nagging about her thinking I should destroy things is getting far beyond annoying. I scream at her to shut the fuck up, throw threats around like crazy and hit things in anger and resentment for what else could I possibly do?

I've been so damn close... Anyway, I just finished another master piece of a drawing, kinda. It's Lady Sylvanas Windrunner again, but this time slightly different. It's a close up of her face and she's slightly looking over her left shoulder and there's her left hand in the picture too. I did some fairly advanced shading using another artist's drawing as a reference. I also drew it entirely without any black lines which was quite a challenge but also incredibly fun and turned out looking very neat.

I started off first with drawing her skin way too dark and with black lines, but then I realised that her very light blonde hair looked pretty iffy with those black lines, so I re-did the whole drawing from scratch again without black lines and made her skin much lighter. I was struggling a lot with how to do the background until I eventually just went for it and did something simple. I realised that there are 2 light sources in that image, one blue from behind her and then a yellow one from in front of her, so I just randomly did some blue and some yellow in the background. I hardly even knew what I was doing.

I also shaded it very differently from how I normally would have. I layered the pens ink over and over and over again to blend and smooth it as much as possible. I counted it to 12 layers just on her red hood. Well, it was red in that picture and I wanted to stay true to the colours as much as I could. It wasn't very hard to draw it all but a little bit trickier without the black lines as I only had faded pencil contours to follow.

It's still not even close to as blended as I wanted it to be, but I think it does give it a kinda cool effect as it is. The whole deal, including the first try that ended up like shit, took me 13 hours to create from scratch. I'm very glad that I did decide to re-do it when I had seen my failure, cause damn it got so much better on second try. Now it's too dark at night to take decent pictures of it so I'll wait until tomorrow before I do that.

I've been drawing almost constantly since 10:30 this morning until 23:00 this night with only 3 hours worth of breaks. I think I draw a lot more than just 10 hours a day... Now I don't know what to draw next. Perhaps I'll wait until tomorrow, perhaps I'll think of something just before I go to bed. I guess we'll see. I dug out my old drawing of Sylvanas and although I don't find it ugly or horrible in any way, I've evolved quite a lot since then.

Mostly, it's helpful to have more purple pens for drawing Sylvanas since most of her armour/clothes are in purple shades along with some grey/silver/bone details. Now I still can't decide if I should somehow credit the original artist when posting my own drawing somewhere or not. It could be a kind thing to do or something, but then I'm not a very kind person and I don't want people comparing my artwork with someone else's that could potentially be a lot better than mine.

However, I just thought another update would be in place. I know I mostly just ramble on and on about my drawing techniques on a very nerdy level, but still. I want to draw something more from WoW but I don't know what so I just keep drawing the Forsaken leader instead. I tried drawing Thrall but got bored halfway through the sketch and it became nothing of it. Besides, he wasn't detailed enough and I don't like drawing orcs for some reason. Then I thought of drawing Vol'jin, the troll leader instead, but I don't know. Maybe then it's too much detail? His armour is quite complicated.

Oh well, enough babbling for now, gotta finish this sometime although I strongly feel like I could literally go on forever like this.

Colour crazy

I'm not sure what to write but I just wanted to give you another update again. Not much has changed, I'm still drawing. In fact I think I'm drawing more than ever. Is that even possible? I don't know, but I just finished an A3 sized drawing that took me literally 15 hours to make. Then I played a little WoW for maybe an hour or two before I picked up a new project and then another one. Now I'm drawing a dude wearing metal armour, using a different shading technique. It turns out surprisingly well.

I get up early (around 9:00) every day just because I want to go back to drawing. I've got a nice flow. Although I managed to take some time to bleach the roots of my hair that had grown out a little bit, so now I'm more blonde again. Gonna shave the sides and shower tomorrow, is my thought. I really do fix my hair for no one but myself, as it's basically only me, my mother, my shrinks and the crew that see it. And comment. Fucking constantly.

I've got nothing against genuine compliments, but those people, they're always saying something about my hair. When I've changed it and when I haven't but they think I've changed it. Okay, whatever, time to go to bed.

Got a phone again, and I'm drawing ponies

Yay, I got a phone from my father, just to borrow for now. So, here's the pony that I drew yesterday that took me 7,5 hours to make. That one is called "Princess Cadence" so she's an actual one, or what to say. Not one of my own ideas. It was very fun to draw her even though it took literally half a day and made my brain all mushy at the end. Also I got a blister on my thumb but that could also have come from the lighter that I'm almost constantly using.

I'm so gonna draw more ponies and I've already started making a second one. It's a pony called "Queen Chrysalis" and very different from the first one. This one is grey and blue with a little green and is far easier to draw. Almost a bit too easy. I realised that my techniques when I draw fit very well for those ponies. With the strong contrasts, vibrant and vivid colours, shine and soft shadows. It's like a match made in Heaven, haha.

I don't feel very manly drawing those though. But then again I've never really been the manliest man or taken much pride in being what's considered manly at all. I do like drawing those girly horses even though I don't have much actual interest in them. I know it's a kid's show and they have figurines but that's about it.

Anyways, just a short update, I'll be back later with more nonsense to ramble about. Maybe when I finish this one I'm drawing right now. Maybe. I've gone over to a diet almost only consisting of coffee with sugar and oatmilk. I just don't want to eat. It's boring, time consuming and I simply don't feel like it.

I do however usually have a pre-made pie at the end of the day though, so I do get something more substantial than coffee in me. But not much. I do draw much more than I play WoW nowadays also, but sometimes I do play in breaks when I need to rest my mushy brain from all the details and thinking. Here's the pony Princess Cadence:

(By the way, it's not a dildo on her head, it's a crown...)

Underground

So, I've just been drawing constantly for 2 hours now and my vision is getting a little unfocused. My cell phone seem to have died on me for no apparent reason (typical, isn't it?) so now I guess I'm really underground. Write a comment here on my blog or something and I can give you my home phone number. Or send me an e-mail, I check that more often than here, if you want to reach me, that is. Now I can't write text messages with that phone but I can call and obviously take calls.

Sigh, it's always something. And now it's weekend so can't go and have it repaired until it's Monday again. Hopefully it's something minor that can easily be fixed, but maybe it's the battery and those are expensive... oh, well.

Anyway, I've started a new, big art project, which is a bunch of world of warcraft characters dancing in a ballroom. It's on A3 sized paper so got a little more surface to work on. So far I've done a blood elf female, an undead male, a troll male, a night elf male and a draenei female in that order. I'm currently working on a night elf female and a goblin male, and I know I will do an orc male somewhere too, but that's as far as I know right now. And I need more female characters to make it even. Maybe a dwarf or a gnome? I'm not even gonna try drawing tauren or worgen since their heads/faces are far too complicated for my particular talents.

Oh, and same with the pandaren. Also too complicated as they aren't closely resembling humans. And humans are boring, but I might throw one in in the background somewhere. I'm using the blender and the white gel pen a lot more on this drawing to create highlights. I've leveled up and don't only do shadows, but add highlights as well.

I sat up drawing the last of that male night elf last night until my eyes and hands were sore. I don't know why. Just couldn't let go of it, I guess. And now I'm drinking coffee like crazy because I don't want to eat. So tired of bread and bread is all I have. Except I got one pie left, but I'll save it for dinner. Have to go grocery shopping again today or tomorrow. That bloody bores me to death.

So, mostly I draw, then I play WoW or watch youtube videos in breaks. Writing doesn't get much space these days, mostly cause I just don't feel like it. It comes and goes and I let it do that. I started that big WoW project yesterday, late afternoon I think, and I believe it's gonna be done in the next couple of days if I keep at it like this. It is time consuming, but it's what I want to do, so yeah. Time has never really been an issue for me, cause time is basically all I've got.

And a bit of talent perhaps. I don't know, it's not like I was born with a "gift" to draw or something, it's something I've been doing since I was 3-5 years old and I just learned it during these last 22 years or so. And if you keep practicing something for 22 bloody years, don't you think you should be better at it than I currently am? See, no talent there. Just patience, time, learning, effort and interest.

However, drawing is what I do all days and I'd like to go back to that now. Just thought it was important to mention that about my phone and the rest is just me babbling as usual.

Still not quite back

I'm back home from my parents' place now and that means I can write here and smoke at the same time again. I spent a week there, mainly over Midsummer, until I got tired of that place. Though I'll miss the cats, they were very cute and charming, as they always are. I'm still not back online, I'm trying to protect myself from whatever is out there. That might sound silly, but I don't care.

Instead I play WoW and draw, but not simultaneously, of course. I bought more promarkers (yes, I'm crazy) and an A3 sized drawing pad so that I can make even more time consuming artworks. I've been looking up what promarkers other artists use, for tips and ideas for which ones to buy, so that I don't buy a lot of "this might work with that pen but I'm not sure, eh what the heck let's buy it".

Like I bought 3 red ones that someone else was using so that I would know they work together with each other. But then still chancing around with pink and purple since no one seems to know how to match those. So, like I got plum for aubergine and purple but it didn't match at all, but it does match with maroon. And then I got cerise to go with rose pink and blossom but that didn't work either, although it somewhat goes with maroon too. Also, the asshats sold me a dead pen, blossom. That's 25 kr for nothing.

So that's the drawing update. In WoW, I've almost gotten a warlock character up to level 90 now, but he's at 88 at the moment. Also, trying to level up an orc to 40 so that I can get the swift wolf mount, or whatever it's called, their racial mount. Then I only need tauren, dwarf and pandaren mounts for level 40, then I have all the racial mounts. Anyway, that's all for now.

Salt in my wounds

I'm staying away from various social media's for a while now. It's of personal reasons, but it's got something to do with my broken heart. Maybe you already know, I don't know. It's just too painful for me to even think about, and very much too painful to acknowledge.

So, this is my way of denying it, denying it to survive. I just wish I didn't react this way, that it didn't kill me so much. I'm still reachable on my phone if you have my number, by the way, so I'm not completely going under ground. I just can't deal with the world outside of my head for now and need to shut it off. Right now.

My distraction tactics have never been used so effectively before. I draw, play WoW and work with my language even more intensively than before. I don't take breaks, I simply can't. Only to write this, just because I figured it could be important. I don't know for how long I'll stay off the internet or most parts of it, but at least for a few days, but days could possibly turn into weeks. We'll see about that.

But I'll try to keep you posted on here, although I can't link this blog entry anywhere since well, uhm yeah. Mainly it's facebook and tumblr that I stay away from. It's nothing no one has done to me, I'm not being stalked or hurt in any "real" way. Other people's happiness hurt me to this degree, and yes of bloody course it's got to do with K. If he's in pain, I'm in pain, if he's happy, I'm in more pain. I just can't win, can I? As if it was a fucking game.

Yeah, if he was happy with me, but that's never gonna happen. I never had a chance to begin with, all I got was a glimpse of a chance on the way. But I also know that the best way of never falling in love again is to stay in love with K. Even if it's gonna kill me. It might kill me no matter what, and then why waste that energy on that?

My heart in his hands, it's both the safest and the most dangerous place. I doubt he even knows. I doubt I will ever tell him. Just can't summon that kind of courage. I still don't know what to do, if seeing him this summer could even possibly be fatal to me. I'm not that much more stable since getting out from the ward, I'm still fragile. And I still wish I was dead, or that I could die without trying to. It's the trying I don't want to, it's too much fuss and too restraining. And I've given up on succeeding with that.

So I stay alive instead, but it's not as much of a choice as it's more like no choice but to stay alive. I'm so used to this shit through my entire life I've been in survival mode, it's nothing new and I kinda know what to do, but I feel so lost and mostly I just fumble around, reaching for I don't even know what. A true sanctuary, real freedom, the love of my life, my soul mate, things like that that don't even exist in this world.

I don't believe they do. Not for me. My darkness and my curse follow me wherever I go, whatever I try to do. It's there, like a mirage but it's never been real. Just a mirage tempting me. It's like I'm crawling in the mud too tired to carry on when everyone around me walks steadily in boots. Right beside me, same jungle, different perspective. But lately, I've been done crawling. I've given up on ever getting somewhere. I'm stuck and I'm stranded and I've given up on life.

So I'm just lying here, waiting, hoping, wishing for things to change without my aid. Maybe they never will, but I've tried enough. I'm done trying, fighting, caring.

Yeah, okay, quick update turned into yet another wall of text. But that's basically how I'm doing if I go into details and allow myself to feel. Even for just a little bit. I don't dare to fully feel, so that's probably just the tip of the iceberg. But I've got salt in my wounds and they never get the chance to heal. I'm done sarcastically thanking the world for being an utter piece of shit, it can have it its way. Anyway, back to distracting myself as much as I possibly can and more.