Salt in my wounds

I'm staying away from various social media's for a while now. It's of personal reasons, but it's got something to do with my broken heart. Maybe you already know, I don't know. It's just too painful for me to even think about, and very much too painful to acknowledge.

So, this is my way of denying it, denying it to survive. I just wish I didn't react this way, that it didn't kill me so much. I'm still reachable on my phone if you have my number, by the way, so I'm not completely going under ground. I just can't deal with the world outside of my head for now and need to shut it off. Right now.

My distraction tactics have never been used so effectively before. I draw, play WoW and work with my language even more intensively than before. I don't take breaks, I simply can't. Only to write this, just because I figured it could be important. I don't know for how long I'll stay off the internet or most parts of it, but at least for a few days, but days could possibly turn into weeks. We'll see about that.

But I'll try to keep you posted on here, although I can't link this blog entry anywhere since well, uhm yeah. Mainly it's facebook and tumblr that I stay away from. It's nothing no one has done to me, I'm not being stalked or hurt in any "real" way. Other people's happiness hurt me to this degree, and yes of bloody course it's got to do with K. If he's in pain, I'm in pain, if he's happy, I'm in more pain. I just can't win, can I? As if it was a fucking game.

Yeah, if he was happy with me, but that's never gonna happen. I never had a chance to begin with, all I got was a glimpse of a chance on the way. But I also know that the best way of never falling in love again is to stay in love with K. Even if it's gonna kill me. It might kill me no matter what, and then why waste that energy on that?

My heart in his hands, it's both the safest and the most dangerous place. I doubt he even knows. I doubt I will ever tell him. Just can't summon that kind of courage. I still don't know what to do, if seeing him this summer could even possibly be fatal to me. I'm not that much more stable since getting out from the ward, I'm still fragile. And I still wish I was dead, or that I could die without trying to. It's the trying I don't want to, it's too much fuss and too restraining. And I've given up on succeeding with that.

So I stay alive instead, but it's not as much of a choice as it's more like no choice but to stay alive. I'm so used to this shit through my entire life I've been in survival mode, it's nothing new and I kinda know what to do, but I feel so lost and mostly I just fumble around, reaching for I don't even know what. A true sanctuary, real freedom, the love of my life, my soul mate, things like that that don't even exist in this world.

I don't believe they do. Not for me. My darkness and my curse follow me wherever I go, whatever I try to do. It's there, like a mirage but it's never been real. Just a mirage tempting me. It's like I'm crawling in the mud too tired to carry on when everyone around me walks steadily in boots. Right beside me, same jungle, different perspective. But lately, I've been done crawling. I've given up on ever getting somewhere. I'm stuck and I'm stranded and I've given up on life.

So I'm just lying here, waiting, hoping, wishing for things to change without my aid. Maybe they never will, but I've tried enough. I'm done trying, fighting, caring.

Yeah, okay, quick update turned into yet another wall of text. But that's basically how I'm doing if I go into details and allow myself to feel. Even for just a little bit. I don't dare to fully feel, so that's probably just the tip of the iceberg. But I've got salt in my wounds and they never get the chance to heal. I'm done sarcastically thanking the world for being an utter piece of shit, it can have it its way. Anyway, back to distracting myself as much as I possibly can and more.