Making family history

Damn, what's up with me today? I can't stop thinking about my uncle... maybe I was disappointed that he didn't show up for the family Midsummer's gathering. It was just me and my parents cause my sister was sick. Well yes, I was disappointed. For every big holiday, I just keep wanting and hoping to see him, and even more so since he became single a year or so ago. I feel like I kinda should make my move before I actually fall for him, just so that if he'd flat out decline that sort of offer I won't cause myself another unnecessary heartbreak.

Oh, no fucking need to tell me this is weird, alright. I've already gone through several phases of feeling completely weirded out and messed up about my attraction to him, for years, since he caught my attention some 5 years ago. I still can't let those feelings go, and they're only increasing. Those nervous, heart-racing, I want to hold you, damn I want to feel you inside me, fuck I think I'm gonna pass out if we look at each other one second longer and shit what would my mother who's also your sister say? -kind of feelings, put bluntly into words. But after years of carrying those feelings and knowing I apparently can't ditch this attraction and getting to know him better and feeling more relaxed around him even though we don't exactly meet often, I've come to slowly get to the point of thinking oh what the heck? What's the worst that could happen, except from nervousness eating me up inside and him telling me that's the most inappropriate suggestion he's ever gotten in his entire 65-ish years long life?

Oh but I'd survive that too, I'm sure of it. And it would be more awkward seeing him at family gatherings again in the future after having asked him out for a date and been told that's really, really inappropriate and what the ever flying fuck, but after a while I'm sure I'd get over it and I'm sure he would too and we'd laugh about that memory. But I just have to know before I break my own heart over yet another guy I can't have. But also... what if I could have him? I'd be very careful talking about that sort of thing proceeding though, probably everywhere if that could happen then, in some far off fantasy land... cause that would be an illegal relationship. Oh, forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, isn't it?

But yes, I am certain of that my attraction to him is entirely genuine. For several reasons that I think might be helpful to know about us. Is that I never really knew him as a kid. Only briefly met him once or twice as a kid and/or teen and didn't get much of an impression at all of him as a person. As far as I know he didn't help caring for me as a baby, but it's possible that he did. Not like I can remember him changing my diapers or anything. I can't remember anything from Vallentuna, the first 2 years of my life. I didn't truly meet him until I was an adult, sometime around age 23-24, and we met as equals and as adults. Then and there, my feelings arose and lit a fire within me. A fire that's still burning.

There was never any kind of "authority" relationship between us, but there is one thing though... I know I've been subconsciously chasing for father figures basically my entire life, likely to try to fill the void my biological father should have been in. Sure he was always physically there, but he was never emotionally there. I basically never had any kind of emotional connection to him. I definitely have some "daddy issues" and that's probably why older men turn me on so hard, and also explains why I keep wanting them older and older. My preferred age for a boyfriend is literally following my father's age. How's that for creepy? Well it creeped me out as it just bloody hit me! That might also explain why I keep fantasising about sex with my actual father. And come think about it... (why is there more to this, ugh) the men that turn me on the most look very similar to my father visually. My subconscious mind is literally struggling to keep the two concepts "father" and "boyfriend" separate. It's mixing them together, and wants both in one.

Okay I didn't actually know my messed up relationship with my father actually runs quite that deep... that's scary! Cause I'm basically fucking, falling in love with and dream of meeting... mirror images of my father. Maybe I'm trying to fuck that pain away too? This is so fucking creepy I can't even...! Just because I felt neglected by him as a kid, and like he didn't really love me or care about me. And I definitely didn't feel understood by him. I often thought that my relationship with my mother was so strong and good that it made up for what I didn't get to have with my father... but apparently a very loud nope to that, huh.

So... anyhow! I think it's at least a bit likely that I see my uncle as somewhat of yet another father figure, cause there have been a few, over the years, but they never stay. They do look similar, they have similar humour, they're pretty much the same age although my uncle is 5-ish years older than my father; and although they're not related to each other, I'm related to them both which does create an indirect bond between them. But I don't think it's mainly or only that, beyond that shallow surface stuff. Cause I do see my uncle as an equal and not as someone to create any kind of "father-son" bond with, whether literally or spiritually. I'd want to create a normal boyfriend-boyfriend relationship with him that just so happens to have a huge age gap of around 35 years. Well... as normal as a consensually incestuous relationship could ever possibly be, I guess. But of course it's also highly possible that part of my attraction to him is that "forbidden" factor to it that draws me to it and pulls me in. Knowing I shouldn't. Knowing it would be illegal to fuck him.

Yeah I've battled my own feelings about how I'd actually feel about having consensual incest sex like that. Like would that be super weird like if I'd just suddenly notice how similar we look/are and not be able to stop thinking about how weird it would be doing something so taboo? Or would I rather completely forget about it the moment I'd feel his body pressed against mine and I'd just focus on how amazing that connection feels and how much I'd be yearning for him? Perhaps that feeling of it being weird would only hit me afterwards and I'd be like "oh shit, did I actually just...?!" Well, that does seem like the most likely reaction I could have about it, cause I don't think during sex, simply. But how I feel about it right now is... yeah it's totally weird, but at the same time it doesn't bother me. It's not a big deal to me but rather more fascinating even though the law scares me a tad. But I'm ultimately fine with it simply because we're both adults and if it would happen it would be completely consensual. So no harm, no foul, and nothing to get an existential crisis over.

But fucking hell what an aggrevating, completely victimless crime it would be! If I'd wait until after my hysto, regardless of how much I really don't want a kid either way, the law would have literally no damn good reason to forbid such a relationship. Cause otherwise yeah, there would be rather high risk of a kid getting genetically fucked up by being inbred. But I ain't gonna have any damn kids! So yeah, huh.

But what about my family's possible opinions on that though? I used to be very worried about that, but thinking some more about it and knowing my parents' values and morals... I don't think they'd be against it but rather just tell me to be really fucking careful. They'd surely be weirded out about it though, but I mean who wouldn't be? It might even be possible my mother would think there's some silver lining to that musty cloud, as in me choosing a guy that she'd actually know she can trust and that she knows well. But yeah, it would totally be awkward at first either way though.

I don't feel nearly as panicky about my attraction to him anymore, but I'm starting to feel a kind of pressure to make a decision on if to act or not, as I think I might be starting to actually develope a crush on him, and not just being sexually attracted to him. Knowing my wild heart, I know that's a very certain sign I'm highly likely to end up falling deeply for him if I let those sprouting feelings run unchecked and take root. If I even can stop it, I don't know. Well, at least I got 1,5 year of being single and not in love or crushing on anyone. Thanks for that much needed break, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for another such storm again. I don't think I ever am, but I'd appreciate it if I could at least know if I'd have a chance before that happens. Instead of the other way around, for a fucking change.

Whenever I see him in person, I feel my attraction to him like softly warming electricity between us and like I have to fight it to keep my appropriate distance. I have flirted, very very subtly, before, but I don't think he got the point. I get very turned on in his presense, by his presense, and feel very warm when he's close, I just completely yearn for him to touch me. Even just a hug. I know I would like that sooo much. To breathe in his elegant scent and feel his hair softly stroke against my cheek in contrast with his sharper stubble... fuck. When I fantasise about him, it's most often romantic, yet rough sex. Like it's very intense yet sensual, and it makes me cum very effectively without having to switch fantasy. I only fantasise like that when I'm about to fall for someone, unless it's Caspian I fantasise about, cause I was born already in love with him.

I've no idea if he's into guys at all. My broken gaydar only gives me the vague impression that he could be bi or bicurious or that he quite likely doesn't care about such labels and is more like "whatever happens, happens" which can also only give me vague hopes. But he could also be completely straight which also nags at me. Of course he knows about me being trans and he's totally cool with that, but would he be into that? Fuck would I know. And then about the whole being rather closely related ordeal? I've no idea if he'd see that as a complete deal-breaker or if he'd consider it worth a shot. He's not exactly a conservative kind of person and is very much for that old saying "as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, it's fine" just like I am. But more than that I really don't know. And the hopeless idiot I am still keeps hoping at least part of the reason he broke up with his ex gf was me... but not likely, I fucking get it, that's why I called myself a hopeless idiot. But oh yeah, I was flirting with him, although subtly, when he was still with her. But never when she could see, of course. I hoped so badly that he would break up with her, and then when I finally got those news... I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling in the phone when my mother told me! So, another reason to take my fucking chance while he's still single.

I know I want to get to know him more closely. I know I truly do want to have sex with him. That it's not just my mind feeding me with uncomfortable thoughts (cause it's not uncomfortable even, it's sweet and it's hot hot hot so freaking hot). Somehow I think I can tell the difference. That if a wanting to fuck any certain "forbidden" person isn't just sexy but also comes with a feeling of disgust, no matter how slight, and feeling more awkward and not really turned on around that person in real life, then it's most likely just my brain teasing me halfway to madness and not a genuine attraction. But this isn't like that at all. I feel no disgust connected to my wanting of being that close to him, and he does truly turn me on in real life by just being in the same room as me, as though he was any hot guy I wanted to fuck so badly I'm almost literally steaming. Damn, I feel it the most intensely when we're alone on my parents' porch to smoke cigarettes (cause he's a smoker too) and in those awkward silences that are also surprisingly soothing, I just feel my entire body pounding for him and holy fuck my briefs get sooo soaked it's like my pussy is taking a bath. That's what I'd call a self-cleaning vagina!

Why am I like this? This is definitely one of those things I just want to whack myself in the head for and yell at myself that "Why him? Of all the guys on this stupid planet, why someone I'm so closely related to? It makes it so much more complicated and scary." For all those 4 or 5 hours I stayed at my parents' place today where he was not, I couldn't stop thinking about him and elaborating on my fantasies of us as a loving couple. And just to remind myself of the difference between genuine and non-genuine family attractions... I did glance at my father across the table for a very quick fantasy just to check, but I instantly felt my stomach turn at that thought. Nah, I don't think I want my father that way in reality. But then as I slipped back into the thoughts of my uncle, my stomach immediately calmed down again and I had to try hard to stop freaking smiling at the thoughts to make my parents not ask me what was on my mind as I wouldn't have known what to say.

But would I ever dare to ask him out? I know I have his number somewhere, as my mother gave it to me a while ago. But I've never dared to call him. I think my heart would beat all the way out of my chest and flop down on the floor if I so just tried to dial the number... He lives rather close to me, as far as I know. That he lives in the same village even... so meeting up would not be difficult. Also he has his own business so he's not away for work during the days. He has a workshop on his own yard. I think though that if I'd ever dare to make that kind of move, he'd just think it's me just being friendly and think it's totally innocent... so I'd likely have to be quite direct about it and holy crap I want to throw up just thinking about doing that... cause of my nerves killing me! I have taken the first step before, but I've never taken such a first leap as asking someone out for a date before, and nor have I ever been actually direct with my flirtings before either...

I'm gonna need to really, really think this through and try to think of a way of how to possibly fucking manage making such a move without literally passing out while attempting to. Or losing my ability to speak cause of hyperventilating way too hard. Just the thought makes me dizzy... If only it had been ANY other guy! Oh fuck, I hate my heart. I've said it before but it definitely needs to be said again: my heart is the most annoying thing I've ever had to put up with.

How big is the risk that me making such a move would cause a massive strain on my family? Or is it more likely to not be a big deal, whether it goes well and he responds positively or if it doesn't and he's not interested? However I don't think my parents would need to know right away, or at all if it goes nowhere. I guess unless he'd just randomly start talking to his sister about it... perhaps I should ask him not to! That just kiiinda feels like something that should stay between us, unless it would eventually become an actual love story.

Well, if it doesn't go well that would still most certainly be somewhat of a feat of strength (and stupidity) to be able to with honesty say I've asked my uncle out for a date! Like in a future then. Not that many people have done such a thing with sincere intent, I'm guessing. But that's exactly what I mean by that I'm often balancing on the border between crazy and brave. Is it crazy or is it brave, if I'd really ask him out, considering all the possible consequences and my inescapable shyness? Maybe bits of both. And if I can manage to get myself to actually go through with that and it's a no from him, I'd also know not to let my heart loose in that direction, and thus, hopefully preventing myself for yet another case of unrequited love. Cause I've had enough of those for a life time!

But uuuh, heaven's help me, what am I supposed to do and how do I conjure up such courage? To pick up the phone and give him a call, if I can even find his number? This phone-phobia is not exactly helping. But if he'd ask me why I want to meet him, should I then tell him or keep it to myself until we'd actually meet? Maybe I'd just give him a hint. Oh shit, I might be making him extremely uncomfortable... uh, I hope not? I'll try my hardest to be as careful yet direct as I possibly can. Like maybe better to ask him stuff relating to that and keep it strictly verbal and clean but not sterile, to try to avoid unnecessary awkwardness. And then only if he'd respond positively or at least hesitantly, I could try something a bit more daring. But I mean nothing crazy like jumping in for a kiss or anything at that kind of point. I mean, something like maybe just stroking his hand or something.

Another thing, a question that also keeps nagging at me, that is about his age. I really do like older men so it's not that at all, but how much longer will he reasonable be around for? A decade? 2 decades? Hardly more than that as he's somewhere in his 60's. And how much longer will I be around for? Well at least 3 more decades if not 4 or 5 even. Could I possibly cope with a boyfriend dying from me when I'd have half my life left to live without him? That question. It keeps nagging at me, and it won't leave me alone. That's the painful reality, the only real actual downside, of loving older men. Of course it gets even more intense when he's also a relative. One that I very much care about either way. No matter how I'd twist and turn it, and no matter if it could lead to something beautiful or not, the day he's gone will likely fill me with a sorrow I've never yet felt. The sorrow of losing a loved one. Not looking forward to that. And let's not even get me started on his family history of Alzheimer's being the same as mine... not now. I'd just hope I could get to have those one or two decades by his side, if I'd end up falling for him and if it could really go that well, and hope he doesn't start forgetting me. Fuck, I'm too young to worry about these sort of things! But my age doesn't matter in this context. Enough darkness.

Except from how very scary and heavy all those thoughts are... I do feel very happy and excited just thinking about him... as a potential boyfriend. Well, in my dreams he is a potential, at least. But yeah, it's scary, to think of actually proceeding with asking him out for a date... but at the same time I just need to know, and I want to do it nicely, cause I'm pretty sure I won't be changing my mind if he'd also want to proceed, however slow or fast I'm in no hurry with that and would actually prefer to take it slow cause of my own emotional issues, and I know I can generally handle rejection well if he wouldn't want to proceed. I've been pining for him for 5 years... that is literally the longest I've ever had sweet feelings for any person since that teacher I had a crush on between ages 11 and 15... no, that was just 4 years. Well I'll be damned, he broke that record... and I didn't even notice...

Just for some clarification of that time lapse there... I am polyamorous, meaning I can have romantic attraction towards several different people at the same time, or crushes at least. So there's been a lot of overlapping with my crushes and loves over the years ever since I was a kid. Told you my heart is a mess. But then my feelings for my uncle have so far only been sexual although almost bordering to romantic but not quite toppling over that edge. Oh damn, you've no idea just how hard I've held myself back from falling for him... cause of how utterly complicated if not impossible it would be to have such a relationship if he'd even be interested back... but now I'm starting to feel like that lifeline has been stretched too far and might just snap at any moment. My god, Satan, help me?