Wrecked lives

The only evil I can tell is from God above, and whoever or whatever put me here. I don't think much about revenge though. But if I'd ever come across those who wronged me, and if I would even recognise them, I don't know what I'd do. Attack, fight, threat, murder. Or just sink in under the floor, dissociate and disappear. Evaporate.

But what about the kids? Well, they're adults now, but they were kids when it happened, should I plot revenge on them too, or just invite them for a drink and chat about it? As you can probably tell I'm fairly divided when it comes to that particular memory.

They messed me up badly, but then I went and did the same thing to someone else. I'm just as bad as them. Just like that, children have no sense of right and wrong and I've got first hand experiences that proves how true that statement is, and I'm still just as clueless because of that. Maybe I just want to see if they're still messed up too.

Maybe that could even bring us together, like "No hard feelings I know why you did it cause as soon as you fucked me up I went and did the same thing to someone else. Thank you for the most unpleasant experience of my entire life that I can't even bring up the courage to tell my shrink about and I also think my memory of it is quite fuzzy could you perhaps fill in the gaps?" Like really, that wouldn't be such a bad idea actually, if they could fill in the gaps for me. But then again, I'd probably poison their drinks and then dump their lifeless bodies in a ditch somewhere.

Perhaps it's best if we never cross paths again. I don't know, I just have a sensation it would be a bad idea altogether. Some things in my past are just too dark for me to think logically around. They just bring out more darkness in me and there's how I can't tell if something is evil about me or not. Was it evil what I did to that other child when I was 9-10 years old? I don't even remember which year it was, how soon after what happened to me. Did they put evil in me, those kids that are adults now?

They should be around 23-24 years old today. If they're still alive, which I just presume that they are. Would probably have known if they're dead. Would have been all over the news, and not a single person that lived in Alunda at that time would have missed it. Oh well, if they end up on the news one day you know who to suspect.

But only one other person knows who they are. Don't tell the cops on me if things go sour, okay? You know what they did to me. I can't promise anything, but chances are that I'll never see them again and that I won't kill them. But you never know. I'm not planning on ever seeing them again, I won't seek after them, or the guy that raped me. They're buried in the past now, but I keep digging them up like this. And even if I could tell what is good or evil, I probably still would contemplate revenge whether I'd actually go for it or not.

I'm a demon incarnate and a Satanist who happens to worship Satan, don't expect me to ever be able to tell if what those kids did to me was evil, wrong or simply human nature. My past has been a bit spotty, spottier than anyone will ever know (but who knows how much I'll end up telling K about myself sometime in the future) and I'll always keep wondering about those things. What others did to me, and what I did to others. Some of those things weren't even that long ago. There's darkness within me, that much I can say.

What's good about it though, is that I'm not afraid of other people's darknesses. I know that what you did or didn't do, doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. In fact, to me, there are no bad people in this entire world. That's what I mean, that's spot on. That's why I can't say good or bad person, cause to me it's all just grey scales and perhaps even a bit of colour, but no one is good nor bad. Not a single soul. Not even the rapists or the paedophiles. Perhaps though, if I truly was what others seem to describe as a good person, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself for what I've done.

So maybe it's good that I'm not exactly what should be considered a good person? I could have died last year because of so many reasons and the trans team not giving me what I wanted was just what happened to be on top of the list. That was what I couldn't live with about myself, not the memories that came flashing back of the two most awful things I've ever done in my entire life, and believe me, they were awful, subjectively and objectively.

But no one's gonna know. I put my finger on my lips and hush to protect my own sorry ass when what I should do is protecting the people that I hurt. Give them justice or something. But you see, despite my low self esteem, my ego is the size of Mars and I do like to avoid making things complicated. I let them suffer in their own silence for what happened, I wrecked lives and what's really the bugger is, who's life am I wrecking the most: theirs or mine?