Hanging by a thread

My neighbour, the guy living right on top of me, was just rushed away in an ambulance. I saw it all from my living room window. What worries me is not his health though, but how little I care about if he'll be coming back home from the hospital again or not, that is to say if he survives or dies. By the way, he is old and this place is mostly like sort of a retirement home, I wouldn't think of him as probably dying if he was any younger than the 70-80-ish I would guess that he is.

But shouldn't I care, at least a little bit? Have I lost touch with humanity so to the point that no human life is of any kind of value to me except from those select few that I happen to know and care about personally? I knew I've gotten a little bit colder, but damn...

No, I feel nothing at all but perhaps a bit of curiosity. Will I get a new neighbour if he dies? Someone who spits a bit less off the balcony and doesn't hopelessly try to interact with me when I really just want to be left alone which by the way is 100% of the time?

I have gotten colder, I just don't know what exact degree. First I just stopped watching the news on TV, stopped reading the newspaper. My friends pretty much abandoned me around the time I moved here and I in turn abandoned them. Or was it the other way around? Not everyone of course, but pretty much the majority of everyone I know.

It was already before that, about a year before I moved here. I was pretty lonely in Gottsunda in Uppsala as well, my last apartment there. I don't remember much of 2012, except from the apartment I rented for free. Don't ask me how I got away with that, technicalities. They never sent me any bills. Anyway, from the end of 2011 until I moved to my parent's place on Gotland in June or if it was July 2012 I think, I was in a pretty lonely place.

There were the random parties, but I don't remember having any friends, or my boyfriend at the time, over to my home. I must have visited others though. Yes, I did that. But it always felt one way, you know. Like I was just blending in with the crowds and no one wanted to see me one on one.

Eventually I shut down, shut out the people that I was living for. It's true, I only stayed in Uppsala for the sake of living close to my friends who didn't seem to care if I lived there or not. So the loneliness, I brought it with me when I moved here. But then it intensified, became hostile. It's almost like the loneliness inside me is like a beast, a monster of some kind, that grows more hostile with time as I let it roam free, unchecked.

Not only do I no longer care about anyone except maybe at most 10 people on this entire planet, I came to despise humanity altogether. I want war and mayhem, I want any kind of government in I don't care which country to create massive mass destruction weapons and erase the entire world. Just wipe it all out, me included. I was hoping for the world to end in 2012, but as many others I did not believe it actually would.

Now, there are 5 people that I truly love in this world, perhaps another 5 that I'd care if something happened to them. I don't care about anyone else, I really, really don't. I've become cold and cynical, bitter and tired of life. And I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I wish I could take you with me and we could go somewhere far from the rest of the world. To another world, in whatever sense I'm not going to specify even if I had the slightest idea. There aren't that many options, but option, we do have.

I don't know what I'm getting at, you have your own lives now. I'm just a part of them, not the reason why you go on living. I wouldn't even want that much, it's way too much to ask of and a huge responsibility that I wouldn't be able to handle. No, you go on live your lives. I just try to matter to some degree at least.

But it's hard. I feel like I'm stuck here now. Not on this island, but in this situation. I won't let anyone in, I certainly won't let anyone out. I cling to, hold on to old memories, fantasies, a future that may or may not be real some day. I'm not living. I haven't been living for a long time now. It feels like I left something else behind me that day I moved here from Uppsala, something that I won't be able to find just around the corner. My life. Any kind of purpose to go on breathing.

No, I'm still not suicidal, but you know me, I wouldn't tell you if I was. I have my reasons for never telling you. But right now... now I'm just breathing, exhaling and inhaling without much reason at all to do so. I'm trying to kill myself slowly while waiting for a miracle to happen, waiting to be saved. The only thing, or person rather, that could save me. I'm waiting for him, and in the meantime, I'm just hanging by a thread really. Maybe you already knew it, that I'm falling back again, slowly drowning in what I call the darkness.

A neighbour might die tonight, and I'm worried about a miracle that may never happen, that I might never get to truly live, I worry about my own life that is slipping away at the same time.