I haven't been writing here in a while because most of what I write is just the same nonsense or too private or too private nonsense. I have nothing new to report. I've a had a couple of lousy days of weight gain and desperation, binging and self hatred. I feel like I'm losing all control. Having an eating disorder is supposed to make not capable of eating, right? I wish, I so fucking wish. Instead I am eating and hating myself for it. I'd rather not being able to eat at all.
So I have no idea what to do at all. I'm stuck in this awful binging cycle even though it's not technically binges, cause it's too little. But I wrecked my metabolism so the smallest thing makes me gain. The day before yesterday I was at 54,3 kg, ate around 1.000 calories, yesterday I had gone up to 54,9 kg and ate around 1.000 calories and today I was at 55,6 kg. I eat half of my daily recommended intake and gain steadily. I hate myself so much because of this and I have no fucking idea what so ever how the hell I'm supposed to lose weight now.
I'm just stuck in self hatred but I do get support from all where around so I'm feeling a little bit better now. The crew, K, strangers on tumblr, the eating disorder forum. I'm not entirely alone and people do care. So yeah, this is me feeling better, I was quite a mess earlier today. I couldn't even tell the crew why I was so upset, I just didn't want to talk about it and what would that have brought anyway? They were just curious. And I hate it when people want to know my problems just out of curiosity, like I'm not here to entertain you.
And it wouldn't have made me feel any better, I've learned that now, some people are ju better off not knowing what is bugging me. Look, if they want to comfort me they can just as well do that without knowing what's up. I can tell when they try to mask their curiosity with care.
A few hours later and I still haven't posted this. I'm living on oatmeal porridge and nuts for today and praying to Satan that it won't make me gain. I've thought about it lately, or well, it just struck me earlier today, that about me selling my soul for a better looking body. What if I'll get it, that perfect or close to perfect body, or even worse, what if I already have it, but I'm too eating disordered to be able to enjoy it?
He's so fucking shady, Satan. Yeah, and I have noticed that before. Like how precise do I have to be about my prayers exactly?! He can read my mind, for crying out loud! Shouldn't have to give all the details. That I want to be able to not hate my body, I want to be thin and look good, I want a proportionate sized ass, I want to look like a dude even naked.
He did save my life but he hasn't been doing much of that as of lately. Perhaps because I haven't been wanting to be saved. Not by a shady entity who's too busy fucking up the few prayers I send his way, anyway. I haven't been much into practice of my shady religion lately, or well, for over a year now. No practice at all actually. I totally skipped Halloween for instance and that's a very important Satanic holiday. I was too fucked up to care anymore. I still am.
He's still my one and only god though, even though he's fucked up more times than he's saved me. But he has saved me and that's what's most important, right? When will I need him again? Probably right now, but I don't care. I'm lucid now, no psychotic symptoms in a long time, so I haven't heard him speaking to me either. Don't know if that's a shame or a relief. Perhaps a little of both.
Speak of the devil (haha, literally this time) he shows up and offers me to pay up if I want that change. Of course I said yes. He also told me that my eating disorder is not what's gonna kill me. That's a comfort, I guess. But it still leaves me with that horrible fate that apparently still awaits me in the future: suicide.
Ah well, I suppose it is a comfort. Now I can starve however much I want to. I sort of knew it though, or I kinda felt it somehow. But still, it can lead me to end up almost dying from it. Like being dangerously close to the edge. I hope so. I really fucking do. Am I that bored?
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