Just watched an episode of American Horror Story. Managed the whole first episode of the 4th season, Freakshow. Although it wasn't easy, but it was interesting. I don't know what's up with me watching videos longer than 10 minutes. I don't really space out or get bored, and I don't lose focus either, but I keep wanting for it to get done and I get impatient, like I just need a break without knowing why. My nicotine addiction isn't quite that bad, I can manage an hour, sometimes two, without a cigarette. Depends on my mood, mostly. If I'm nervous or stressed I feel a greater need to smoke. If I'm calm or tired I don't really have much of a need for that.
However, I did watch that episode and I did relate a lot to the twins. Don't remember their names, but one was Betty, I think. They reminded me of me and Anna, on several points. And I liked that they were portrayed as two very different people, and not like being identical, like twins usually are portrayed in movies. First thing that kind of hit close to home for me was how one of them just spoke without the other one liking it and begging her through thoughts to shut up. Then the masturbation thing was very relatable too, as Anna really doesn't like it when I do that. She too, shies away and draws back then. However I can't say which one of the twins more closely reminds me of me or Anna. It was different depending on the aspect.
I know our situations are vastly different. Me and Anna are not conjoined twins, we're a multiple system, and my situation is invisible to the outside world. Only thing that might give it away from time to time might be when I talk out loud to Anna when others are around to hear it. I tend to get confused looks, especially if I'm angry at Anna, and usually that goes in English. Most of our discussions and arguments are in English nowadays, and have been for several years. We adapt to each other as we both change and grow with time.
She's not immune to change, just much more reluctant to it than I am. Her personality seems to be fixed, but her opinions are not. When provided with new information, or problems she can't find solutions to, she does sometimes change her views. Like she was very much against me smoking and drinking in our late teens, but a few years later, she started craving that too. Now I think she's more addicted to nicotine than I am, or maybe something else that I've thought of, is that I think she is more connected to our body than I am.
I mean, it's always she who first notices and tells me when it's time to eat, sleep, smoke and so on. Like she somehow gets the signals before I do. I don't think much about our situation these days. I'm preoccupied with my sex obsession. Much to her dismay, I suppose. I never really figured out what happens to her when I engage in sex with other people. I think it's traumatising for her, but I don't know what happens to her. She just disappears during it, and comes back sometime after. Never talks about it, never shows any kind of emotion.
I think it's likely she carries another part of our common burden regarding the sexual abuse we went through, and that she put me through. I think she's more damaged in that department than I am, or we're just damaged in two very different ways. While I get obsessed with sex and addicted to masturbation, she's completely repulsed by it. So to the point that she can't even fight me or try to stop me when I'm at it. She just draws back until it's over. She never draws back for anything else.
I did tell my mother, by the way, over the phone some hours ago. Because she needs to know why I don't want her to bother me next weekend when I'll have a guest, and she needs to know why I'm suddenly having guests, as just pulling the "friend" -card really wouldn't work for such a recluse as me. Also I wanted to buy more condoms in Visby tomorrow and she's going to drive me there and tag along so she needs to know why I suddenly need condoms. She didn't freak out about what I'm up to these days, she barely even had any questions about it. Suits me fine. I thought it would be easier to say it over the phone than face to face when I'll see her tomorrow.
Think I'm gonna drag my ass over to the bathing/swimming house here in Hemse someday soon (this week, that is) and have myself a little chat with the staff there about my locker room issue, cause I think it would be nice to go swimming a bit, if at all possible there. I mean I would prefer using the men's locker room and showers but with my downstairs situation that might not be what anyone else there prefers.
So I'll need to talk to the staff about what the flying fuck to do about that, since I would want to swim a few laps there every so often as some kind of light/moderate exercise because walking bores me. And I need to find my swim shorts first, maybe. Found them in a drawer. Then finding my way to that place will probably be a bit of a hassle. But whatever, I wrote down a direction I could take that seems like the least complicated. No of course it's not in the center but a bit off. But I think I'll find it. Eventually.
I'm probably gonna mix up the names of my hook up's quite a lot later on. Right now just trying to learn their names. Well the ones I know at least which is just two guys now. Then a third who's real name I don't know yet. Don't know if I will. He keeps saying that he wants to meet me, and I keep suggesting days but then he's quiet for a while until he writes back saying he was too busy and that those days wouldn't work for him. I don't know what's up. I'll just wait and see, no need to stress about it. Also I did tell the guy on the main land who wasn't into hook up's the truth now though, to not lead him on further, before it spirals out of control. Before I hurt him too. Maybe I should make it more clear on my profile on that chatsite that I'm not looking for a relationship. But just how clear do I really need to be? Soon it will be my entire autobiography if I just keep adding more stuff about myself.
It says what I'm looking for there, as two different searches, or what to say. One says that I'm looking for chatting and friendship with all kinds of people; and the other says that I'm looking for sex with older guys/men; and that's it. Says nothing about me looking for a relationship anywhere. But I'm guessing some people may think that I'm just looking for sex in hopes of deeper connections, or friends in hopes of deeper connections.
I don't know what people think. Not everyone wants deeper connections with other people. I only really want shallow connections nowadays. I don't want others too deep under my skin, or into my mind and heart. Keep a certain distance, even when sharing such intimate moments like sex. Keep things on a need-to-know basis, and just a notch deeper for the sake of conversation and having something to talk about before and after.
I should probably be clear on that point about not wanting a relationship with at least some people I meet from there, to hopefully avoid misunderstandings at least. Then of course feelings can arise in either them or me anyway, especially if we keep contact for a while and keep meeting up for more. The guy I met last Thursday did contact me again yesterday, asking if I wanted to meet up again soon. I said yes but wasn't sure about the days I'd be available. Tomorrow I'm busy talking to my therapist, on Thursday I'm gonna need time off and clean my laundry, Friday to Sunday I'm having another guy staying over. So, a quite busy week which basically only leaves Tuesday and Wednesday. But he did quite up front suggest that I could be his "porn haven" under the condition that we get along well and enjoy each other. Sounds exciting.
Yeah I'm booking up a lot and seeing several different guys, but so far it's working out quite nicely for me. As long as I don't mix them up too much and keep protecting myself. I really am constantly horny and wouldn't mind seeing someone almost every day, or at least several days a week. I would need some time to mentally re-charge, cause even though my body is constantly up for it, my mind isn't. However making that actually happen that often isn't as easy as it may or may not sound. They're not always available. Travel needs to be considered. I'm not always available. They're indecisive and stalling. So on and so forth. Also I do like the excitement of switching between partners, it keeps it interesting and more unpredictable.
The guy coming to visit me next weekend might not become a regular, cause he lives on the main land and I can't afford to travel much, however he doesn't seem to be all that tight on money. Having a decent job and all. Wait, why is he still working, by the way? He's over retirement age. Hm, that thought didn't cross my mind before. Not that it really matters to me, but still. I'm sure one can continue working even after 65 and that retiring isn't something one has to do at that specific age, and he's only 2 years above it, but I really don't know all that much about that kind of thing. It's not like I've ever had to worry about it myself.
Yeah there's a bit of an age gap between us. When I said at some point that I like older, I really do mean older. Like a hell of a lot older. But it's not all that incredibly important to me. I prefer them being over 45 but even if they aren't that wouldn't be a roadblock for me. If there's an upper age "limit" in any way for me, it might be somewhere around 80 but I'm really not sure, so I say that very carefully. There might not be a limit. My lowest age limit is somewhere around 20, however. But I doubt I'd actually be interested in a 20 year old. I do have several different reasons for preferring older and not just because I think a more mature guy is more sexually attractive. But of course that is a reason too, and a pretty strong one at that.
I did get very popular on that hook up/dating site quite suddenly, cause I'm one of very few young guys who specifically and openly look for older guys for sex, and the reversed is much more common there. Also my nudes really did help along in making me popular there. But whatever, I'll go to bed soon. It's 5:15 am but I'm not really tired. Just a little, but doubt it's enough to fall asleep. Think it might be too late to take meds for that now, since I need to be up again at latest 12 tomorrow. That's less than 7 hours from now, and if I take Lergigan I usually sleep quite heavily for at least 9 hours. So yeah. I'll get as much sleep as I can, then crash and nap when I get back home again.
Monday, 20 March 2017
Friday, 17 March 2017
About labels
I've seen you reblog it twice now and I can't help but feeling it might be directed at me, it itches in my fingers too much to ignore it now. "As soon as you believe that a label you've put on yourself is true, you've limited something that is literally limitless, you've limited who you are into nothing but a thought." -Adyashanti.
Let me tell you what I think about that, my honest truth. This might get a little cranky-sounding and disrespectful at some point or another though. A fair warning. Labels are not definite road blocks. They're not always harmful but can be there for protection as well. A label does not necessarily rule out everything else. Like just because you say you want to keep a piece of paper white does not mean you can't put colour on it later on. It just means you don't want to put colour on it now. And it informs people about that, so then it can make you feel more secure and less pressured to colour it when you don't want to. But you can still put colour on it anytime you want. Labels are not definite, they're meant to help with communication, to be better understood and to understand yourself better.
Labels don't define me, I use them to simplify my language and communication with others. They're simply tools for me, just like any other words, and I use them as guides. And also, about the aspects of me in regards to being trans, I do use words and terms and labels in a way to make communication easier and more flowing with cis people, which does quite often tend to make other trans people uncomfortable. Like I do use words/terms like sex change, female to male, female born, biologically female, becoming a man, and other such that I know are problematic one way or another simply because my main concern is to be understood, not to make a politically correct statement. I only use such terms to describe myself though, not other trans people.
But aside from the trans aspect, I do use labels as a way for me to avoid long and complicated explanations when they're not necessary. I hate having to explain things in detail when I can just use a simple word that is close enough instead. So it's for convenience and anxiety-reduction. But I know they're not 100% correct, most of them at least. That doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't use them. That doesn't mean it's problematic or wrong of me to use them. It means I don't want to hassle myself through a damn maze when there is a shortcut.
Sure I can say about my stupid sexual orientation, for example, that I'm almost exclusively attracted to men whether they're cis or trans, but once in a blue moon I find myself attracted to a woman, cis or trans. That attraction may or may not be real, and it never lasts long enough for me to have time to act on it before it's gone, and also I don't feel it would be quite nice of me to do so as it might very well make that woman feel like I'm just using her as some kind of experiment or an exception. And I haven't ever had sex with a woman yet because of those reasons, as well as not being terribly wanted myself. So I should call myself some kind of homoflexible, mostly gay but open to experiment but it's just damn more convenient and simple to say "gay" and that's it. Why make it so god damn complicated when there's no need to complicate it?
And well yeah, I do think non-binary is bullshit and I wouldn't ever again consider myself pansexual (or queer for that matter) again, as there are only males and females in my world. And confused males and females who think they're something else. And no, even if I would end up with someone who identifies as non-binary that wouldn't make me change what label I use for myself. It wouldn't be a terribly good idea for anyone non-binary identifying to be with me, honestly. I would advice against that, for their sake.
Basically if they're male-born and look male or see themselves as mostly male as female-born but has had some kind of medical transition changes whatever I'd put them in the male category and if they're female-born without any medical transition changes or male-born but leaning closer to being a trans woman I'd put them in the female category. However rude or horrible that would be of me, I wouldn't keep my opinions from that potential person, I wouldn't give the impression of being more accepting than I am. So them wanting to be with me if that should ever happen would most likely be problematic, and a pretty bad idea.
So yeah, I do mostly go by looks, name, sometimes preferred pronoun, gender presentation and how they act - not how they "feel" that they're not just either male or female. So I did drop the pansexual label because I changed my opinions on non-binary identifying people. And as I do only think one can be either male or female, that does mean there basically are just four different sexual orientations and a spectrum between them. Gay, straight, bi and ace. So yeah, I do think there's a spectrum between gay and straight, and between sexual and asexual, but that's about it. And I will with all likelihood always fall somewhere between gay and bisexual, but now a hell of a lot closer to gay.
So no, I don't say I'd refuse to be with people who aren't male, but that doesn't mean I can't call myself gay when it is males I primarily want like 99% of the time. The label doesn't limit me, it explains the limits that already existed to be begin with. Meaning, my limits came before the label I chose for myself. That's always the case with me.
About me labeling myself as a submissive bottom, it's not 100% limiting either, but it is also a way for me to protect myself, to avoid misunderstandings and make things run smoother sexually. Why should I not limit myself from things I don't want to do? Just because you're up for anything doesn't mean I am, or are you? I don't think you truly are, but regardless, maybe I'm up for less than you are. However I'm pretty much just as much a bottom as I'm gay, meaning it's closer to 99% than 100% and I would maybe want to try topping or being the active partner at some point in the future again, but it's unlikely that I would want to and I will certainly not let myself be pressured into it, as that's kinda rapey. That doesn't make me less of a bottom however, that I might be up for trying in the future. That's actually how it seems to be for most who identify themselves as bottoms, and tops or that matter. Very few are super exclusive, 100%.
And as far as my psychiatric diagnoses go, I really don't get so hung up about them at all. Mostly I only really use them for the sake of not having to explain that shit in detail cause it's frustrating and boring and makes me want to rip out my brain and stomp on it for being such a damn disaster. And I self diagnose only because it helps me better understand myself. Like sorting a whole bunch of papers into different piles to get a better overview. That's basically all there is to it for me, it's a sorting system. It's not perfect but it's helpful.
I can't just sit and decide what I'm into or up for trying left to right, it doesn't work that way. Do whatever you want with whatever labels, I don't give a fuck. But I will continue using labels for myself as it doesn't harm me in any way, it's actually damn helpful for me. I don't know if I need them or not, but I want them, cause they're a comfort and makes talking to people easier. Or well, perhaps everyone but you then. I always did find your aversion to labels more worrying than my liking for them.
Let me tell you what I think about that, my honest truth. This might get a little cranky-sounding and disrespectful at some point or another though. A fair warning. Labels are not definite road blocks. They're not always harmful but can be there for protection as well. A label does not necessarily rule out everything else. Like just because you say you want to keep a piece of paper white does not mean you can't put colour on it later on. It just means you don't want to put colour on it now. And it informs people about that, so then it can make you feel more secure and less pressured to colour it when you don't want to. But you can still put colour on it anytime you want. Labels are not definite, they're meant to help with communication, to be better understood and to understand yourself better.
Labels don't define me, I use them to simplify my language and communication with others. They're simply tools for me, just like any other words, and I use them as guides. And also, about the aspects of me in regards to being trans, I do use words and terms and labels in a way to make communication easier and more flowing with cis people, which does quite often tend to make other trans people uncomfortable. Like I do use words/terms like sex change, female to male, female born, biologically female, becoming a man, and other such that I know are problematic one way or another simply because my main concern is to be understood, not to make a politically correct statement. I only use such terms to describe myself though, not other trans people.
But aside from the trans aspect, I do use labels as a way for me to avoid long and complicated explanations when they're not necessary. I hate having to explain things in detail when I can just use a simple word that is close enough instead. So it's for convenience and anxiety-reduction. But I know they're not 100% correct, most of them at least. That doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't use them. That doesn't mean it's problematic or wrong of me to use them. It means I don't want to hassle myself through a damn maze when there is a shortcut.
Sure I can say about my stupid sexual orientation, for example, that I'm almost exclusively attracted to men whether they're cis or trans, but once in a blue moon I find myself attracted to a woman, cis or trans. That attraction may or may not be real, and it never lasts long enough for me to have time to act on it before it's gone, and also I don't feel it would be quite nice of me to do so as it might very well make that woman feel like I'm just using her as some kind of experiment or an exception. And I haven't ever had sex with a woman yet because of those reasons, as well as not being terribly wanted myself. So I should call myself some kind of homoflexible, mostly gay but open to experiment but it's just damn more convenient and simple to say "gay" and that's it. Why make it so god damn complicated when there's no need to complicate it?
And well yeah, I do think non-binary is bullshit and I wouldn't ever again consider myself pansexual (or queer for that matter) again, as there are only males and females in my world. And confused males and females who think they're something else. And no, even if I would end up with someone who identifies as non-binary that wouldn't make me change what label I use for myself. It wouldn't be a terribly good idea for anyone non-binary identifying to be with me, honestly. I would advice against that, for their sake.
Basically if they're male-born and look male or see themselves as mostly male as female-born but has had some kind of medical transition changes whatever I'd put them in the male category and if they're female-born without any medical transition changes or male-born but leaning closer to being a trans woman I'd put them in the female category. However rude or horrible that would be of me, I wouldn't keep my opinions from that potential person, I wouldn't give the impression of being more accepting than I am. So them wanting to be with me if that should ever happen would most likely be problematic, and a pretty bad idea.
So yeah, I do mostly go by looks, name, sometimes preferred pronoun, gender presentation and how they act - not how they "feel" that they're not just either male or female. So I did drop the pansexual label because I changed my opinions on non-binary identifying people. And as I do only think one can be either male or female, that does mean there basically are just four different sexual orientations and a spectrum between them. Gay, straight, bi and ace. So yeah, I do think there's a spectrum between gay and straight, and between sexual and asexual, but that's about it. And I will with all likelihood always fall somewhere between gay and bisexual, but now a hell of a lot closer to gay.
So no, I don't say I'd refuse to be with people who aren't male, but that doesn't mean I can't call myself gay when it is males I primarily want like 99% of the time. The label doesn't limit me, it explains the limits that already existed to be begin with. Meaning, my limits came before the label I chose for myself. That's always the case with me.
About me labeling myself as a submissive bottom, it's not 100% limiting either, but it is also a way for me to protect myself, to avoid misunderstandings and make things run smoother sexually. Why should I not limit myself from things I don't want to do? Just because you're up for anything doesn't mean I am, or are you? I don't think you truly are, but regardless, maybe I'm up for less than you are. However I'm pretty much just as much a bottom as I'm gay, meaning it's closer to 99% than 100% and I would maybe want to try topping or being the active partner at some point in the future again, but it's unlikely that I would want to and I will certainly not let myself be pressured into it, as that's kinda rapey. That doesn't make me less of a bottom however, that I might be up for trying in the future. That's actually how it seems to be for most who identify themselves as bottoms, and tops or that matter. Very few are super exclusive, 100%.
And as far as my psychiatric diagnoses go, I really don't get so hung up about them at all. Mostly I only really use them for the sake of not having to explain that shit in detail cause it's frustrating and boring and makes me want to rip out my brain and stomp on it for being such a damn disaster. And I self diagnose only because it helps me better understand myself. Like sorting a whole bunch of papers into different piles to get a better overview. That's basically all there is to it for me, it's a sorting system. It's not perfect but it's helpful.
I can't just sit and decide what I'm into or up for trying left to right, it doesn't work that way. Do whatever you want with whatever labels, I don't give a fuck. But I will continue using labels for myself as it doesn't harm me in any way, it's actually damn helpful for me. I don't know if I need them or not, but I want them, cause they're a comfort and makes talking to people easier. Or well, perhaps everyone but you then. I always did find your aversion to labels more worrying than my liking for them.
Thursday, 16 March 2017
Now it's getting real
Damn! Met a guy. No one I had talked to before, he just sent me a message a few hours ago (around 5:30 pm), out of nowhere, asking straight out if I wanted to meet. Yeah I had a fit of indecisiveness before I said yes, but I didn't wait too long. He had no picture, not much of any information except from age, gender and sexuality basically. Bi, 47. I invited him home to me, he lives nearby, and he's cheating on his girlfriend with me. Or maybe she knows, but somehow I doubt it. I don't care either way. (But damn I hope I don't know her, cause that would be awkward but of course this stays between us no matter what).
Yes I was nervous, no doubt about it, but it went so damn well. I mean, he rang my doorbell around 20:20 and I opened, and good thing he's totally hot. He greeted me with a hug and french kiss, then he saw my cigarettes and asked if he could have one. Sure, I said, and we went out for a smoke. We talked a bit and he did give me a very calming and "safe" feeling. I felt good around him, he's got good vibes. Then we went back inside again and things got a bit more sexy.
I'll keep most of the details to myself, but well, we did have some issues so couldn't go "all the way" or what to say, but we definitely did some and we both wanted to. And I got some very nice compliments on my sucking technique, so that's lovely. I know it was a while ago for me, so I thought maybe I was a bit rusty in that department. Apparently not. That felt so nice in my mouth, I've missed it, I most definitely have.
Since things didn't work out exactly like we wanted them to but we connected very well, he did suggest that we could try again later, in a week or two, and I thought that was a damn good idea. Also, he said he had read my profile on that site and that he was very curious about me. I told him a bit about my transition, what I had done and such, and well, he seemed to like it all about me. I felt very appreciated and hot there. Pleasure sure wasn't far away, and he enjoyed himself too. I did like seeing that excitement in his eyes. So it did feel very mutual and exciting.
Seriously I can't stop smiling right now. He wanted company back to his car so we could smoke together then and we talked a bit more. Then I almost kinda danced back to my apartment. Yeah I'm such a slut, but I don't give a fuck. I'll wear that derogatory term proudly as a badge. It never felt bad to be called that or call myself that in the past, and it never will. What's morals anyway? Nothing I want up my alley. I embrace my wildness. I look forward to meeting him again, and others. Yeah of course I've gotta try to find more action in the meantime. I've got an insatiable need.
Of course I fucking understand that I took a huge risk, inviting a perfect stranger right to my home, giving him my address, and not even having seen a picture of him first. I had no idea what he looked like, no idea who he actually was, or what he even wanted to do. I'm not underestimating how incredibly wrong it could have gone. Just wanted to make that clear. Doing this kind of stuff certainly doesn't come without risks. Especially me being quite small, younger and preferably on the receiving end of things. It does put me at more risks. I'm aware of them, however I choose to still go through with it, cause I am not scared of things going wrong. They might, I'd deal with it then. It's not the end of the world.
Yes, it's definitely arguable that because I've already been through a lot of shit in my past, and know I could survive that, it has made me less scared and less careful, instead of the opposite. It stupefied me, made me think I'm invincible somehow. Not literally of course, but I do think that my mind is incredibly strong in terms of taking a beating here and there. And I'm not scared of more hurt. It may or may not happen, I don't really give a fuck.
Just an update though, and writing to sort out my thoughts that don't exactly follow a pattern right now. They're everywhere and I can't quite think clearly. But I feel amazing, relieved, excited about what more is to come, calm and a bit crazy. It does still feel kind of like hypo-mania (with a constant amorousness), but it never escalates and it never calms down, except from like daily fluctuations in my mood, but over all is the same since the beginning of January. Maybe this is permanent-ish? Like I had a personality shift and it's going to be this way now? I don't know, but I'm not complaining. But yeah, it doesn't get worse, and I don't think it will, but it doesn't go back to "normal" either. So maybe this is my normal now. I think it's worth considering.
Yes I was nervous, no doubt about it, but it went so damn well. I mean, he rang my doorbell around 20:20 and I opened, and good thing he's totally hot. He greeted me with a hug and french kiss, then he saw my cigarettes and asked if he could have one. Sure, I said, and we went out for a smoke. We talked a bit and he did give me a very calming and "safe" feeling. I felt good around him, he's got good vibes. Then we went back inside again and things got a bit more sexy.
I'll keep most of the details to myself, but well, we did have some issues so couldn't go "all the way" or what to say, but we definitely did some and we both wanted to. And I got some very nice compliments on my sucking technique, so that's lovely. I know it was a while ago for me, so I thought maybe I was a bit rusty in that department. Apparently not. That felt so nice in my mouth, I've missed it, I most definitely have.
Since things didn't work out exactly like we wanted them to but we connected very well, he did suggest that we could try again later, in a week or two, and I thought that was a damn good idea. Also, he said he had read my profile on that site and that he was very curious about me. I told him a bit about my transition, what I had done and such, and well, he seemed to like it all about me. I felt very appreciated and hot there. Pleasure sure wasn't far away, and he enjoyed himself too. I did like seeing that excitement in his eyes. So it did feel very mutual and exciting.
Seriously I can't stop smiling right now. He wanted company back to his car so we could smoke together then and we talked a bit more. Then I almost kinda danced back to my apartment. Yeah I'm such a slut, but I don't give a fuck. I'll wear that derogatory term proudly as a badge. It never felt bad to be called that or call myself that in the past, and it never will. What's morals anyway? Nothing I want up my alley. I embrace my wildness. I look forward to meeting him again, and others. Yeah of course I've gotta try to find more action in the meantime. I've got an insatiable need.
Of course I fucking understand that I took a huge risk, inviting a perfect stranger right to my home, giving him my address, and not even having seen a picture of him first. I had no idea what he looked like, no idea who he actually was, or what he even wanted to do. I'm not underestimating how incredibly wrong it could have gone. Just wanted to make that clear. Doing this kind of stuff certainly doesn't come without risks. Especially me being quite small, younger and preferably on the receiving end of things. It does put me at more risks. I'm aware of them, however I choose to still go through with it, cause I am not scared of things going wrong. They might, I'd deal with it then. It's not the end of the world.
Yes, it's definitely arguable that because I've already been through a lot of shit in my past, and know I could survive that, it has made me less scared and less careful, instead of the opposite. It stupefied me, made me think I'm invincible somehow. Not literally of course, but I do think that my mind is incredibly strong in terms of taking a beating here and there. And I'm not scared of more hurt. It may or may not happen, I don't really give a fuck.
Just an update though, and writing to sort out my thoughts that don't exactly follow a pattern right now. They're everywhere and I can't quite think clearly. But I feel amazing, relieved, excited about what more is to come, calm and a bit crazy. It does still feel kind of like hypo-mania (with a constant amorousness), but it never escalates and it never calms down, except from like daily fluctuations in my mood, but over all is the same since the beginning of January. Maybe this is permanent-ish? Like I had a personality shift and it's going to be this way now? I don't know, but I'm not complaining. But yeah, it doesn't get worse, and I don't think it will, but it doesn't go back to "normal" either. So maybe this is my normal now. I think it's worth considering.
Tuesday, 14 March 2017
Thursday, 9 March 2017
Distant future thoughts
I now no longer have any grand parents, officially. My grand mother's (father's mother) funeral was on Tuesday, the 7th. I didn't attend to it (it was in Stockholm) but my parents were. I don't think my sister went. However, she was the last one of my grand parents still alive. Her cause of death? I don't have any details but it was Alzheimer or issues related to/caused by that. So, 3 out of 4 of my grand parents died of Alzheimer or complications from it. 4th one died of cancer at an earlier age. Doesn't look good for my old age, huh?
I've always thought that yeah, my genes suck in that department, but I need to wait and see what happens to my parents before I can start worrying for real. I have no idea if when I'm getting closer to that age and start noticing symptoms... if I'd just kill myself or accept it. Leaning to the former though. For my grand parents, they developed/slipped into that illness around age 75-80 except from my mother's mother who got it around age 68. So I've got time, and so do my parents, as they're 57 and 58 now, my father the slightly younger, however just 10 months younger than my mother.
Anyhow, I am torn about what I would go through emotionally if/when that happens to me, if I even manage to live that long. I could die from something else before. I've always thought I won't get to live to the average life expectancy. Maybe I'll more likely get to age 60 or 70, realistically. Depends on what my smoking and drinking does to me, and generally kinda wild lifestyle. It might even get quite likely I'll get HIV at some point in the future as well, since well... I really do think I'll likely start receiving quite a lot of ass-fucking from male strangers soon, but however frequently I can't say for sure. But that's literally the highest risk of getting HIV that all statistics have told me.
And no matter how damn keen I'll be on always using condoms, it's still risky. They can break or slip out, I might be too damn drunk and horny to even care at one point or another, or trust a guy to be clean but it turns out he isn't, or get raped again which may or may not give me that illness as well. My point is: me getting HIV somewhere down the line is probably quite likely. I know it's not non-treatable, but you know me and my crappy memory when it comes to remembering to keep taking meds? Just missing a few doses of HIV meds while being positive, it could very likely develop into AIDS. That would significantly shorten my life span.
As far as I understand it, that if HIV develops into AIDS, you've got somewhere around 3 more years to live, however that's individual of course. Not that AIDS itself kills you, but it kills your immune system so bad that you getting the flu would kill you. So you'd die from other stuff then, not the illness itself. However keep taking those meds and it's very unlikely it will develop into AIDS, and that living with HIV kinda wouldn't be the end of the world however I obviously can't say what that would or could be like for me. But maybe I'd rather die from AIDS-related stuff than Alzheimer-related stuff?
Actually I would. Losing my physical health like that but still be clear in my mind would be a hell of a lot better than losing my mind until I can't even remember my own name and just wither away at a retirement home until absolutely nothing matters anymore and I'll get so depressed that the only solution is to stop eating altogether starve to death. No I'm actually not exaggerating, as to my knowledge, that's how it was for my mother's mother. She stopped eating cause she lost her will to live, after fighting that terrible, incurable illness for somewhere around 10 years.
It's not really treatable either. Sure there are meds for it, but they only slow down the progression, they can't prevent you from eventually losing your mind entirely. You know how dear my mind is to me? No matter how awful dying of something due to having AIDS might be, I do think most physical illnesses would be better options than Alzheimer, and it seems AIDS is something I might actually be able to kinda "choose" no matter how utterly insane it might sound to actually opt for getting that, a lot later on in life. Not now, for goodness' sake.
I know I can't just ignore how very likely it is I won't be able to avoid getting Alzheimer with sheer will power. Even if my parents for some miraculous reason don't get it, I still wouldn't ignore the fact that I would still be likely to get it anyway, however maybe a bit less likely. But if both my parents get it, I'm pretty much doomed in that department, and if I can somehow prevent it by dying of something else earlier, no matter how insanely, I damn well will. And I've gotta look at my actual, realistic options as well.
Sounds like a plan, huh? Try to die of AIDS before Alzheimer gets to me instead. Shouldn't be that hard. But not to worry, I don't want to get myself infected now, and not for at least the next 30 more years or so if I can in any way avoid it. Which I might not be able to avoid, but I'll sure try my best. And well, if I get it earlier despite trying not to, then medicate it up until the point of developing Alzheimer, then just quit the meds. It usually takes several years for Alzheimer to reach the point of being debilitating as it progresses slowly, so I think that could work out quite well.
Depressing topic is depressing, I'm aware. I'm not so bothered though, but well yeah, getting Alzheimer has always been a scary thought. But somehow I feel a bit relieved thinking there might be a way for me to kill myself off without it being a direct suicide (which I suck at, as you know) just in case me getting Alzheimer will actually happen. I would consider that an indirect suicide then. But I won't do anything in that direction for a damn long time though, that's for sure. Gotta live before I die. Meaning I might start stressing about it sometime around age 60-65 and I'm not even 30 yet.
Not that many 27 year old's start planning their old age deaths maybe? Well, I just like having ideas, at least. Time moves faster than one dares to think. One day I'll just be there, you know? Without really understanding how the fuck that happened, looking back. The future always seems far away but the past always feels like it's right behind you. I just want to be a little bit prepared if I possibly can, or at least not be entirely scared and clueless.
And yes, if I really could choose between AIDS and Alzheimer the choice is very simple and needs no deciding at all. Just have a hell of a lot of unprotected sex with sketchy dudes and it shouldn't be that difficult to get it as time draws near, is my thinking. I know I like the sketchy dudes too, and it takes really a lot for me to say no to sex. I'm really not picky. More slutty in that regard. And no that's not just something I say, that's something I do and have done several times already in my past. No shame, no regrets.
I've always thought that yeah, my genes suck in that department, but I need to wait and see what happens to my parents before I can start worrying for real. I have no idea if when I'm getting closer to that age and start noticing symptoms... if I'd just kill myself or accept it. Leaning to the former though. For my grand parents, they developed/slipped into that illness around age 75-80 except from my mother's mother who got it around age 68. So I've got time, and so do my parents, as they're 57 and 58 now, my father the slightly younger, however just 10 months younger than my mother.
Anyhow, I am torn about what I would go through emotionally if/when that happens to me, if I even manage to live that long. I could die from something else before. I've always thought I won't get to live to the average life expectancy. Maybe I'll more likely get to age 60 or 70, realistically. Depends on what my smoking and drinking does to me, and generally kinda wild lifestyle. It might even get quite likely I'll get HIV at some point in the future as well, since well... I really do think I'll likely start receiving quite a lot of ass-fucking from male strangers soon, but however frequently I can't say for sure. But that's literally the highest risk of getting HIV that all statistics have told me.
And no matter how damn keen I'll be on always using condoms, it's still risky. They can break or slip out, I might be too damn drunk and horny to even care at one point or another, or trust a guy to be clean but it turns out he isn't, or get raped again which may or may not give me that illness as well. My point is: me getting HIV somewhere down the line is probably quite likely. I know it's not non-treatable, but you know me and my crappy memory when it comes to remembering to keep taking meds? Just missing a few doses of HIV meds while being positive, it could very likely develop into AIDS. That would significantly shorten my life span.
As far as I understand it, that if HIV develops into AIDS, you've got somewhere around 3 more years to live, however that's individual of course. Not that AIDS itself kills you, but it kills your immune system so bad that you getting the flu would kill you. So you'd die from other stuff then, not the illness itself. However keep taking those meds and it's very unlikely it will develop into AIDS, and that living with HIV kinda wouldn't be the end of the world however I obviously can't say what that would or could be like for me. But maybe I'd rather die from AIDS-related stuff than Alzheimer-related stuff?
Actually I would. Losing my physical health like that but still be clear in my mind would be a hell of a lot better than losing my mind until I can't even remember my own name and just wither away at a retirement home until absolutely nothing matters anymore and I'll get so depressed that the only solution is to stop eating altogether starve to death. No I'm actually not exaggerating, as to my knowledge, that's how it was for my mother's mother. She stopped eating cause she lost her will to live, after fighting that terrible, incurable illness for somewhere around 10 years.
It's not really treatable either. Sure there are meds for it, but they only slow down the progression, they can't prevent you from eventually losing your mind entirely. You know how dear my mind is to me? No matter how awful dying of something due to having AIDS might be, I do think most physical illnesses would be better options than Alzheimer, and it seems AIDS is something I might actually be able to kinda "choose" no matter how utterly insane it might sound to actually opt for getting that, a lot later on in life. Not now, for goodness' sake.
I know I can't just ignore how very likely it is I won't be able to avoid getting Alzheimer with sheer will power. Even if my parents for some miraculous reason don't get it, I still wouldn't ignore the fact that I would still be likely to get it anyway, however maybe a bit less likely. But if both my parents get it, I'm pretty much doomed in that department, and if I can somehow prevent it by dying of something else earlier, no matter how insanely, I damn well will. And I've gotta look at my actual, realistic options as well.
Sounds like a plan, huh? Try to die of AIDS before Alzheimer gets to me instead. Shouldn't be that hard. But not to worry, I don't want to get myself infected now, and not for at least the next 30 more years or so if I can in any way avoid it. Which I might not be able to avoid, but I'll sure try my best. And well, if I get it earlier despite trying not to, then medicate it up until the point of developing Alzheimer, then just quit the meds. It usually takes several years for Alzheimer to reach the point of being debilitating as it progresses slowly, so I think that could work out quite well.
Depressing topic is depressing, I'm aware. I'm not so bothered though, but well yeah, getting Alzheimer has always been a scary thought. But somehow I feel a bit relieved thinking there might be a way for me to kill myself off without it being a direct suicide (which I suck at, as you know) just in case me getting Alzheimer will actually happen. I would consider that an indirect suicide then. But I won't do anything in that direction for a damn long time though, that's for sure. Gotta live before I die. Meaning I might start stressing about it sometime around age 60-65 and I'm not even 30 yet.
Not that many 27 year old's start planning their old age deaths maybe? Well, I just like having ideas, at least. Time moves faster than one dares to think. One day I'll just be there, you know? Without really understanding how the fuck that happened, looking back. The future always seems far away but the past always feels like it's right behind you. I just want to be a little bit prepared if I possibly can, or at least not be entirely scared and clueless.
And yes, if I really could choose between AIDS and Alzheimer the choice is very simple and needs no deciding at all. Just have a hell of a lot of unprotected sex with sketchy dudes and it shouldn't be that difficult to get it as time draws near, is my thinking. I know I like the sketchy dudes too, and it takes really a lot for me to say no to sex. I'm really not picky. More slutty in that regard. And no that's not just something I say, that's something I do and have done several times already in my past. No shame, no regrets.
Monday, 6 March 2017
Issues of a non-issue
Hooking up interracially. It is something I've for some time wanted to write about but I just have no fucking idea how to best go about handling that kind of topic. What's the issue? I don't want to come off as something I am not, with agendas that I don't have, cause people like to jump to conclusions. Yes, I am very much up for being with other men regardless of their race, and how is that an issue? Don't get me started, seriously. I'll get myself started instead.
Preferences, do I have them? Well uhm yeah, but they're not very strict at all (actually they're so loose that most people think that I have no preferences at all, but I do). I know I prefer some races over others, and maybe surprisingly enough, white isn't very far up on that scale. It ends up somewhere in the middle as far as I'm aware. However I don't really like ranking races and doing so does make me cringe.
I'm not saying any race is better than any other, just that of some I tend to find more attractive people in general than of others, but this isn't actually something I go around thinking about, like at all, until now, just to give a bit of a general idea or something. I don't know. But yeah, I have almost only been with white guys so far, except one who was half kurd. That's not because it's been my aim though, it comes down to availability and who I attract. I haven't really had an aim at all when it comes to race.
Also, within alternative communities like goth and synth where I've been doing most of my cruising, most people are white. Maybe start looking in other places? Could be an idea. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a little bit tired of only ever being with white men. It's getting boring. So yeah, I would prefer other races now but which ones isn't something I'm all that concerned about. As long as he's hot and we're compatible, I don't care about his race, but preferably not white. Basically.
I might still end up with a white dude anyway though, but only if I find myself having no luck with the other ones. I don't want to go crazy scavenging and obsessively looking either, so there's definitely a limit.
Yeah I'm not exclusively gay (I'd say I'm homoflexible if we need to be specific) and I know I do sometimes find women hot as well, it's just very rarely. Rare enough for me to not pay all that much attention to it when it happens anymore, most of the time. But yeah, it happens. Not sure if it's information you'd even care about, but your friend V, I only did meet her that one time, but damn and holy hell she's hot. I was struggling quite a bit to not stare my eyes out that one time at that club. (Didn't want to weird her out about that).
I did not expect that, but then I don't usually go around expecting anyone's level of attractiveness before seeing them, regardless of who. So with that in mind it always does come as a surprise to me when I see someone for the first time and I'm just completely overwhelmed by how extremely gorgeous they are. Especially when they're not a guy.
But yeah whatever, I would actually say that to me, black is the hottest and most beautiful race, however I'm sure that may sound problematic. With all the variations included though. No, not all black people get me going, but very many do. And more so than people of any other race. I find all kinds of beauty there, not just sexual attraction. A whole lot of aesthetic attraction too. I just tend to fall for and be with white people because those are the ones available and wanting me. I wouldn't say it's a fetish really though, I'm not obsessing or saying that all of my partners have to be black (obviously), I don't really buy into stereotypes or expect anything specific or unspecific in particular. It's just a preference, meaning something both my mind and body really likes and reacts positively to.
People are so damn obsessed with racism these days in all sorts of ways. Sure, of course it's good to keep trying to spread awareness and make people stop being racist, and especially stop hate crimes, but I mean... I see a lot of people who aren't racist obsessing about how non-racist they are that it's both tiring and slipping into problematic as well. Especially when it comes to interracial sex and dating. People are so caught up in what's wrong and right when it comes to that, it's ridiculous and damaging.
Like so what if I like people of other races, does it have to be 100% political every single second or can we maybe just enjoy each others' company? Urgh. Yeah I get that some political issues would be involved one way or another, but I would prefer it if some people could just chill about it a bit. It shouldn't have to be such a big deal in this race obsessed world.
Like I get shit for liking my own white skin colour cause people immediately jump to the conclusion that it means I'm racist. Come again? No I like my own skin tone because I'm not racist against myself/my own ethnicity or anyone else/any other ethnicity. People really don't get that. That I like all skintones including my own. Yeah, literally every single time I've brought this up I get drowned in hate. What the fuck?
Should I just keep it to myself cause people are too fucking dumb? I guess I do keep it to myself when I'm just too fed up with trying to explain logic and reason to complete morons. Which is most of the time. That being fully accepting of human variety should also include oneself as well. It's sad when people forget about their own damn asses.
And people get shit if they're not into dating/fucking people outside of their race as well as if they on the other hand actually are. Like no matter what you like and what you're up to, people are gonna complain and consider it wrong one way or another. I'm tired of that kind of bullshit. Whatever.
I don't really go around and think about it much, but for some reason I wanted to have it said, my kinda stand point on this. So I did think about it a bit more just these past few days or so, just because I tried to figure out how to word it. Whenever I end up in or bring up topics about race/ethnicity it seems I stumble upon my own words or other people stumble upon them instead. So it makes me hesitant to bring it up. Funny though, it's always white people who get upset about what they assume about me when I talk about this kind of stuff. People who aren't white, they never seemed to have any problem with anything I've said about it. On the contrary, they've all seemed very happy about me being so accepting. Weird? I don't know.
When it's about something that actually doesn't concern white people much at all, then they're the ones to get all testy about it? It is my impression that white people are the ones to be the most hung up on any racial issues these days. Maybe because they're either obsessed with not being racist, or they're obsessed with being racist. Not everyone of course though, but it can be an issue.
But yeah, I've noticed at least online that people do get shit for preferring another race over your own in relationships and such, especially if you're white yourself. Cause that's just gotta mean you're glorifying, obsessing and fetishising, or whatever along those lines. Or perhaps that is just the SJW's who talk out of their asses again, I'm not sure. No other group of people seem to be as obsessed about that kind of topic as they are. They're really preaching that "damned if you do, damned if you don't" -kinda thing, while being very hypocritical about it. I don't listen to them though, and most certainly don't take their "advice".
Don't think I have more to say about this stuff as of now. It feels like I generally don't have all that much to say about it, other than complaining about society being crappy, in comparison to how much I tend to ravage other topics, I mean. This is more of a "I like what/who I like, so what?" -kinda thing and obsessing about it feels unnecessary. So there's that.
Preferences, do I have them? Well uhm yeah, but they're not very strict at all (actually they're so loose that most people think that I have no preferences at all, but I do). I know I prefer some races over others, and maybe surprisingly enough, white isn't very far up on that scale. It ends up somewhere in the middle as far as I'm aware. However I don't really like ranking races and doing so does make me cringe.
I'm not saying any race is better than any other, just that of some I tend to find more attractive people in general than of others, but this isn't actually something I go around thinking about, like at all, until now, just to give a bit of a general idea or something. I don't know. But yeah, I have almost only been with white guys so far, except one who was half kurd. That's not because it's been my aim though, it comes down to availability and who I attract. I haven't really had an aim at all when it comes to race.
Also, within alternative communities like goth and synth where I've been doing most of my cruising, most people are white. Maybe start looking in other places? Could be an idea. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a little bit tired of only ever being with white men. It's getting boring. So yeah, I would prefer other races now but which ones isn't something I'm all that concerned about. As long as he's hot and we're compatible, I don't care about his race, but preferably not white. Basically.
I might still end up with a white dude anyway though, but only if I find myself having no luck with the other ones. I don't want to go crazy scavenging and obsessively looking either, so there's definitely a limit.
Yeah I'm not exclusively gay (I'd say I'm homoflexible if we need to be specific) and I know I do sometimes find women hot as well, it's just very rarely. Rare enough for me to not pay all that much attention to it when it happens anymore, most of the time. But yeah, it happens. Not sure if it's information you'd even care about, but your friend V, I only did meet her that one time, but damn and holy hell she's hot. I was struggling quite a bit to not stare my eyes out that one time at that club. (Didn't want to weird her out about that).
I did not expect that, but then I don't usually go around expecting anyone's level of attractiveness before seeing them, regardless of who. So with that in mind it always does come as a surprise to me when I see someone for the first time and I'm just completely overwhelmed by how extremely gorgeous they are. Especially when they're not a guy.
But yeah whatever, I would actually say that to me, black is the hottest and most beautiful race, however I'm sure that may sound problematic. With all the variations included though. No, not all black people get me going, but very many do. And more so than people of any other race. I find all kinds of beauty there, not just sexual attraction. A whole lot of aesthetic attraction too. I just tend to fall for and be with white people because those are the ones available and wanting me. I wouldn't say it's a fetish really though, I'm not obsessing or saying that all of my partners have to be black (obviously), I don't really buy into stereotypes or expect anything specific or unspecific in particular. It's just a preference, meaning something both my mind and body really likes and reacts positively to.
People are so damn obsessed with racism these days in all sorts of ways. Sure, of course it's good to keep trying to spread awareness and make people stop being racist, and especially stop hate crimes, but I mean... I see a lot of people who aren't racist obsessing about how non-racist they are that it's both tiring and slipping into problematic as well. Especially when it comes to interracial sex and dating. People are so caught up in what's wrong and right when it comes to that, it's ridiculous and damaging.
Like so what if I like people of other races, does it have to be 100% political every single second or can we maybe just enjoy each others' company? Urgh. Yeah I get that some political issues would be involved one way or another, but I would prefer it if some people could just chill about it a bit. It shouldn't have to be such a big deal in this race obsessed world.
Like I get shit for liking my own white skin colour cause people immediately jump to the conclusion that it means I'm racist. Come again? No I like my own skin tone because I'm not racist against myself/my own ethnicity or anyone else/any other ethnicity. People really don't get that. That I like all skintones including my own. Yeah, literally every single time I've brought this up I get drowned in hate. What the fuck?
Should I just keep it to myself cause people are too fucking dumb? I guess I do keep it to myself when I'm just too fed up with trying to explain logic and reason to complete morons. Which is most of the time. That being fully accepting of human variety should also include oneself as well. It's sad when people forget about their own damn asses.
And people get shit if they're not into dating/fucking people outside of their race as well as if they on the other hand actually are. Like no matter what you like and what you're up to, people are gonna complain and consider it wrong one way or another. I'm tired of that kind of bullshit. Whatever.
I don't really go around and think about it much, but for some reason I wanted to have it said, my kinda stand point on this. So I did think about it a bit more just these past few days or so, just because I tried to figure out how to word it. Whenever I end up in or bring up topics about race/ethnicity it seems I stumble upon my own words or other people stumble upon them instead. So it makes me hesitant to bring it up. Funny though, it's always white people who get upset about what they assume about me when I talk about this kind of stuff. People who aren't white, they never seemed to have any problem with anything I've said about it. On the contrary, they've all seemed very happy about me being so accepting. Weird? I don't know.
When it's about something that actually doesn't concern white people much at all, then they're the ones to get all testy about it? It is my impression that white people are the ones to be the most hung up on any racial issues these days. Maybe because they're either obsessed with not being racist, or they're obsessed with being racist. Not everyone of course though, but it can be an issue.
But yeah, I've noticed at least online that people do get shit for preferring another race over your own in relationships and such, especially if you're white yourself. Cause that's just gotta mean you're glorifying, obsessing and fetishising, or whatever along those lines. Or perhaps that is just the SJW's who talk out of their asses again, I'm not sure. No other group of people seem to be as obsessed about that kind of topic as they are. They're really preaching that "damned if you do, damned if you don't" -kinda thing, while being very hypocritical about it. I don't listen to them though, and most certainly don't take their "advice".
Don't think I have more to say about this stuff as of now. It feels like I generally don't have all that much to say about it, other than complaining about society being crappy, in comparison to how much I tend to ravage other topics, I mean. This is more of a "I like what/who I like, so what?" -kinda thing and obsessing about it feels unnecessary. So there's that.
Sunday, 5 March 2017
Invisible addiction
I've touched upon this topic before, but not really gone into depth. However much it really matters I cannot say. I'd categorise it as my third addiction, along with nicotine and caffeine, however this is not a substance, but it's still known as an addiction that some people do have. It's also hidden, an invisible addiction, and I suppose also not something most people would want to talk about having, or anyone else having. I don't think I've ever even mentioned it to my mother, or most of anyone. Gotten by with the thought that "it's not that bad and I've had it forever anyway, it's not noticeable, no one needs to know" and just shrugged it away. But it's never gone away.
I know I'm severely addicted to masturbation, it's very compulsive. Reading up about it online, as I do from time to time, it almost kinda scares me just how far I've taken it over the years. And well, all the online quizzes I take give the same unsettling result. In the highest category meaning I'm very addicted as I cross off almost everything on their lists. I certainly don't need a quiz to tell me just how fucked I am, but I do like taking such quizzes just to get a bit of an overview of my situation. No, how many times I masturbate a day has nothing to do with it, and it's not a huge number of times. Usually just 1-5 times a day, sometimes I manage to skip a day, but I'd rather not, and that's the way it's always been. It's how I do it, and how I can't stop, that is alarming.
I've been addicted to it ever since I started at age 9, which does mean it's been 19 years now. That's a very long time and it's most of my life. I remember the first time it started to worry me for real, was when I was 14 and googled "how to stop masturbating" on a school computer. It angered me when I couldn't find any help online at the time. Nowhere did it say anything about having such an addiction or it being psychologically self-damaging, as it was for me, already back then. Perhaps it wasn't commonly spoken about back in 2003, I don't know. And a 14 year old "girl" having it? Scandalous, huh? Society's thought, not mine.
How is it an addiction for me? Well, I have done it in public, among people who weren't aware, I've done it at home, at my parents' place, at my friends' homes, at your place, at the grocery store, at every psych ward I've been too, and even at the hospital I stayed at those two nights when I had my mastectomy done. I've done it while riding a car with my mother driving it. At the ferry too. I've done it at several schools I've been to, and outdoors in public too. A whole lot of public bathrooms. Mastered the art of being completely silent and to not get caught, almost no matter where I am. So that's the "where" -aspect which is almost literally everywhere I've ever been.
Let's move on to the "how". Up until recently (just about two months ago) I only did it to relieve myself, because I had to, because I couldn't stop. It was a chore, desperate, necessary and not something I actually enjoyed. It was very compulsive, like a form of OCD kinda. Now I do enjoy it and like doing it, I like how it makes me feel and I don't feel that shame and disgust anymore that I used to before, but it's still compulsive and there's no way I can stop. The longest I've ever gone without it was three weeks. The longest break, in 19 years. And it felt like the worst three weeks of my life.
I have even also continued masturbating even after having caused some slight injuries down there, cause I couldn't stop, and I just had to get off. Meaning like when I got an allergic reaction from a dildo that made it sting, burn and hurt like hell, I continued masturbating in other ways until I reached orgasm just cause I couldn't stop and just had to. And continued to wear butt plugs days after it had started getting uncomfortable and sore because I didn't want to stop wearing them. Addicted to the act itself, even if there is no pleasure. That's not good. Eventually I did manage to stop with the plugs and give my ass a much needed break though. And I didn't cause any serious damage, just very slight tearing and some mild soreness. But still, what the fuck have I been up to?
I wear out vibrators in no time, depending on quality, but they never last longer than 6 months and no it's not just the battery that needs changing. I spend way too much money on sex toys. I'm probably up at somewhere around 4000 kr over the years now in vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, lubes, bdsm-stuff, so on and what not.
I have hundreds of porn videos book-marked on my browser and have watched things from most categories out there. I've even ventured into the really disturbing stuff that most people would never consider watching (some may or may not be illegal even), let alone actually masturbate to and get off from. But yeah, I am quite picky with what works for me and sometimes spend hours trying to find a good enough video clip when I'm tired of all those book-marked ones. What I like also changes over time.
When I try to abstain from it altogether, like those three weeks I mentioned, it's a nightmare. I'm very agitated, easily irritated, frustrated, like I'm sitting on needles constantly. I can't focus on anything else than how much I need an orgasm. I have wet dreams at night that lead me to start masturbating in my sleep, waking me up with my hands in my underwear. Not sure if you noticed that happening a few times. I don't sleep particularly well, more difficult to eat. Basically, I'm a total mess when I try to abstain, and my subconscious mind is making me do weird things. All of that happens when I've gone without it for just a few days. After weeks, it's severe.
I can't stop, I literally can't stop. Not on my own at least. Maybe if someone tied me down and made sure I got food and water, or if I was in a coma. I'm sure it can only be categorised as an extreme addiction that's gotten quite far out of control by now. The frequency of it isn't the problem, it's the "how" and that I can't stop no matter what.
However, my only issues with it now are what the fuck to do when I'll be newly post op from SRS and will have to manage weeks without masturbating (I've actually been thinking of making myself a chastity belt of some kind, something to protect that area from myself without damaging it, to wear especially at night, and then "just survive" somehow), also trying not to cause myself physical damage again, and that me being so sex obsessed in general these days is getting a bit annoying cause I think about sex like 90% of the time if not more. I want to think about other things too, but I can't. Starting to like that activity, certainly didn't come without a price. A price high enough to nearly break me.
No it's never been this bad before, and it's also never been this good before. I'm a maniac, but I love it too. My high sex drive certainly made it even more compulsive, erratic, careless and flat out insane. I feel like I need it now more than ever, and the chains it wraps me in hold me much tighter now. Not much space to move at all.
But yeah, it's a very long term addiction, and as long as I'm careful (more careful than I've been, that is) it's not actually harmful to me or anyone else. It doesn't even involve anyone else, except possibly on the economical aspect. As far as I'm aware though, it does sort of count in as a variant of sex addiction, but it also doesn't, because it doesn't involve other people. It's more in a category of its own, closely related to sex addiction.
Also it's considered a form of hypersexuality, or a result of that rather. I don't know, for me it's a result of childhood sexual abuse, and then being reluctant to ever even talk about it and being conflicted between wanting to stop and wanting to keep it around... it just lead to nothing ever having been done about it. And I'm still just as conflicted.
However the practical issues are what concern me the most about it these days, that in terms of post op healing, financial, health-related and that it's very time-consuming nowadays. But I think the time-consuming factor is the least important one. I don't really know how to solve any of those problems yet, but I'm working on it.
Now I'm not even sure what's biggest issue: having an insanely high sex drive or being very addicted to masturbation? They do tie together in a messy whirl, but I've been addicted to masturbation even when I have had low to no sex drive too. It's always been around. I don't know if I'll bring this up with any therapist or doctor, I don't know. I might, but I have a feeling I'd regret it if I would. So I'm just venting for now as I try to come up with solutions for what's important to solve about it.
I know I'm severely addicted to masturbation, it's very compulsive. Reading up about it online, as I do from time to time, it almost kinda scares me just how far I've taken it over the years. And well, all the online quizzes I take give the same unsettling result. In the highest category meaning I'm very addicted as I cross off almost everything on their lists. I certainly don't need a quiz to tell me just how fucked I am, but I do like taking such quizzes just to get a bit of an overview of my situation. No, how many times I masturbate a day has nothing to do with it, and it's not a huge number of times. Usually just 1-5 times a day, sometimes I manage to skip a day, but I'd rather not, and that's the way it's always been. It's how I do it, and how I can't stop, that is alarming.
I've been addicted to it ever since I started at age 9, which does mean it's been 19 years now. That's a very long time and it's most of my life. I remember the first time it started to worry me for real, was when I was 14 and googled "how to stop masturbating" on a school computer. It angered me when I couldn't find any help online at the time. Nowhere did it say anything about having such an addiction or it being psychologically self-damaging, as it was for me, already back then. Perhaps it wasn't commonly spoken about back in 2003, I don't know. And a 14 year old "girl" having it? Scandalous, huh? Society's thought, not mine.
How is it an addiction for me? Well, I have done it in public, among people who weren't aware, I've done it at home, at my parents' place, at my friends' homes, at your place, at the grocery store, at every psych ward I've been too, and even at the hospital I stayed at those two nights when I had my mastectomy done. I've done it while riding a car with my mother driving it. At the ferry too. I've done it at several schools I've been to, and outdoors in public too. A whole lot of public bathrooms. Mastered the art of being completely silent and to not get caught, almost no matter where I am. So that's the "where" -aspect which is almost literally everywhere I've ever been.
Let's move on to the "how". Up until recently (just about two months ago) I only did it to relieve myself, because I had to, because I couldn't stop. It was a chore, desperate, necessary and not something I actually enjoyed. It was very compulsive, like a form of OCD kinda. Now I do enjoy it and like doing it, I like how it makes me feel and I don't feel that shame and disgust anymore that I used to before, but it's still compulsive and there's no way I can stop. The longest I've ever gone without it was three weeks. The longest break, in 19 years. And it felt like the worst three weeks of my life.
I have even also continued masturbating even after having caused some slight injuries down there, cause I couldn't stop, and I just had to get off. Meaning like when I got an allergic reaction from a dildo that made it sting, burn and hurt like hell, I continued masturbating in other ways until I reached orgasm just cause I couldn't stop and just had to. And continued to wear butt plugs days after it had started getting uncomfortable and sore because I didn't want to stop wearing them. Addicted to the act itself, even if there is no pleasure. That's not good. Eventually I did manage to stop with the plugs and give my ass a much needed break though. And I didn't cause any serious damage, just very slight tearing and some mild soreness. But still, what the fuck have I been up to?
I wear out vibrators in no time, depending on quality, but they never last longer than 6 months and no it's not just the battery that needs changing. I spend way too much money on sex toys. I'm probably up at somewhere around 4000 kr over the years now in vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, lubes, bdsm-stuff, so on and what not.
I have hundreds of porn videos book-marked on my browser and have watched things from most categories out there. I've even ventured into the really disturbing stuff that most people would never consider watching (some may or may not be illegal even), let alone actually masturbate to and get off from. But yeah, I am quite picky with what works for me and sometimes spend hours trying to find a good enough video clip when I'm tired of all those book-marked ones. What I like also changes over time.
When I try to abstain from it altogether, like those three weeks I mentioned, it's a nightmare. I'm very agitated, easily irritated, frustrated, like I'm sitting on needles constantly. I can't focus on anything else than how much I need an orgasm. I have wet dreams at night that lead me to start masturbating in my sleep, waking me up with my hands in my underwear. Not sure if you noticed that happening a few times. I don't sleep particularly well, more difficult to eat. Basically, I'm a total mess when I try to abstain, and my subconscious mind is making me do weird things. All of that happens when I've gone without it for just a few days. After weeks, it's severe.
I can't stop, I literally can't stop. Not on my own at least. Maybe if someone tied me down and made sure I got food and water, or if I was in a coma. I'm sure it can only be categorised as an extreme addiction that's gotten quite far out of control by now. The frequency of it isn't the problem, it's the "how" and that I can't stop no matter what.
However, my only issues with it now are what the fuck to do when I'll be newly post op from SRS and will have to manage weeks without masturbating (I've actually been thinking of making myself a chastity belt of some kind, something to protect that area from myself without damaging it, to wear especially at night, and then "just survive" somehow), also trying not to cause myself physical damage again, and that me being so sex obsessed in general these days is getting a bit annoying cause I think about sex like 90% of the time if not more. I want to think about other things too, but I can't. Starting to like that activity, certainly didn't come without a price. A price high enough to nearly break me.
No it's never been this bad before, and it's also never been this good before. I'm a maniac, but I love it too. My high sex drive certainly made it even more compulsive, erratic, careless and flat out insane. I feel like I need it now more than ever, and the chains it wraps me in hold me much tighter now. Not much space to move at all.
But yeah, it's a very long term addiction, and as long as I'm careful (more careful than I've been, that is) it's not actually harmful to me or anyone else. It doesn't even involve anyone else, except possibly on the economical aspect. As far as I'm aware though, it does sort of count in as a variant of sex addiction, but it also doesn't, because it doesn't involve other people. It's more in a category of its own, closely related to sex addiction.
Also it's considered a form of hypersexuality, or a result of that rather. I don't know, for me it's a result of childhood sexual abuse, and then being reluctant to ever even talk about it and being conflicted between wanting to stop and wanting to keep it around... it just lead to nothing ever having been done about it. And I'm still just as conflicted.
However the practical issues are what concern me the most about it these days, that in terms of post op healing, financial, health-related and that it's very time-consuming nowadays. But I think the time-consuming factor is the least important one. I don't really know how to solve any of those problems yet, but I'm working on it.
Now I'm not even sure what's biggest issue: having an insanely high sex drive or being very addicted to masturbation? They do tie together in a messy whirl, but I've been addicted to masturbation even when I have had low to no sex drive too. It's always been around. I don't know if I'll bring this up with any therapist or doctor, I don't know. I might, but I have a feeling I'd regret it if I would. So I'm just venting for now as I try to come up with solutions for what's important to solve about it.
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