July 11th.
Okay I absolutely hated being at the job training place today. No one said or did anything bad, but I just felt and still feel... so incredibly broken. Like I'm trying to reclaim something that is lost and invisible, scrambling for dead remains in an old grave, that don't look like they should anymore. I hurt a lot, like it's ravaging within me. I miss my old self so bad I don't know what to do. I've had a more or less constant stomach pain this entire week since discovering I'm not trans. Like a concentrated lump of pain for everything I've lost. It feels like all those years of me as a guy I was living a lie. And I used to think it was girl me that was the lie. Seeing now it was actually the reverse... it hurts like fucking hell. Like I betrayed myself deeply and I didn't even know it. In fact I thought I had saved myself, when in reality I ruined myself. And trying to reconnect with myself and that choice I made... it's tearing up massive wounds.
It's starting to already really sink in deep now... like a knife that cuts me open... what the fuck I've done to myself. Going on testosterone was a big step in the wrong direction, and I took it so lightly. Now I have to live with the consequences. Having top surgery was an even bigger step in the same wrong direction. Now it's nearly tearing me apart. I've lost something precious and I can't find it. It's lost forever, and I'm too broken to mourn it. I'm just sitting here, still, like a silent echo unable to react at all. I miss my hairless face and barely fuzzy body, and I miss my boobs so fucking much it physically hurts. I fumble for them but can't find them. The flatness that meets my cupping hands feels like a gaping hole where I once had what I couldn't love. I couldn't love my breasts cause of how others handled them, so I wanted them gone so they could never be touched again. Now it aches in me that no one can touch them.
Cause it was the exact same about my pussy. I couldn't love it cause of how others had handled it, so I wanted it gone. But I managed to snap back and see the truth behind that pain, several months ago now. I snapped back hard and fell in love with my pussy like never before. So now I know, painfully... that I could have done the same about my boobs. If only I had. But instead I had them carved away from my body, forever. Fuck. At least I didn't actually do that to my pussy. I would not have hesitated to end my life if I had done that before getting this realisation. Cause now, even though I'm distressed out of my mind about all of this... being able to at least hold on to my pussy, the realness of it and what it means to me is a huge comfort.
Knowing now I should have removed my fears and disgust by working through my trauma so that I could have learned to love my breasts, instead of removing them. They were pretty, before I started binding. Very round and perky. They had a perfect shape that almost looked fake but were perfectly natural. Now I miss the feeling of squeezing them together with my arms, cupping them with my hands, feeling them squish towards my ribs when hugging someone I like, feeling someone else's hands gently cup around them... fuck, I want them back. And that pain in my chest sinks to my stomach. Why did I do it? Why did I get them removed? Why...?
I remember all the anxiety I felt that one month right before the surgery. It felt as though my subconscious was screaming violently at me, but I thought it was just me being nervous. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so I thought my reaction was related to that, and my fear of dying during the operation. That wasn't normal nerves though. I was panicking. Literally constantly for a month. I took so many sedative meds, like 5-6 times per day, it was insane. The meds barely even took the edge off of how I felt. Like I was starting to throw up my soul. That was far beyond normal amounts of anxiety, and far beyond normal surgery woes. That was pure, rampant panic. I think it was my subconscious trying to tell me to not do it, but I didn't listen. Oh why didn't I fucking listen?!
I'm not really angry at myself. I'm just so fucking sad over this situation, like I just wanna cry but I can't. Perhaps if I'd go off testo I could actually cry again. Maybe now I want to. I need to get it out of my head that crying=weakness but it's a deeply learned belief since my childhood cause of my bullies, so it won't be easy to unlearn it. But maybe now I actually want to be able to cry more easily, and get in touch with my emotions again. The stoic-ness that testo gave me might have been good and a huge relief up until now, but maybe I need and do want to get that softness of my mind on estrogen back. Maybe I miss that too.
I'll be going to that gyno tomorrow and plan on bringing up the question of contraception methods as well as getting the other stuff done. My thought about getting some birth control stuff is not only avoid pregnancies, but also have something that could keep away my periods or at least make them less intense, if or when I'll go off from testo. Then I'd have one less thing to worry about in terms of that. But I'm guessing it has to be a birth control that doesn't contain estrogen so that it's compatible with my high levels of testosterone, I mean if having high levels of both would be bad. If not, I wouldn't mind it. Then maybe that could help as a slightly faster shift from testo to estro, but I don't suppose it could actually lower my testo levels. But at this damn rate I won't be able to reach female levels of testo before Christmas, and that's not an exaggeration. Cause if I'll just do nothing from here on, the levels will still be within healthy male range at least until October. And then for them to go down all the way to healthy female range... I don't think it's unrealistic that would take yet another 3 months, if not more. Now the only thing I don't want back is wider hips and bigger ass/thighs. I guess I'd really have to try to save up money for a liposuction then.
And I also really would like to look into doing something about this beard growth and excess hair on my upper body. Laser doesn't actually remove all of it, but more so thins it out a lot, so that could be an option to look into, eventually. More so than electrolysis, I mean, which does remove everything and is pretty damn intense hair removal. Like it really burns the hair follicles and as far as I've heard, hurts really bad and can cause burn wounds and even permanent scarring. So I'd at least want to thin out my face fluff cause it's really really intense, dark and grows fast. It's stressing me the fuck out that I can't hide it without caking on makeup. Can I wear a paper bag over my head when I go swimming so no one gets to see my fucking beard shadow?
I wouldn't mind a litttle bit of shaving. Like how it is on my cheeks and upper lip is thin and sparse enough to come off easily and doesn't leave a shadow. I'd be fine with it being like that on the rest of my beard area as well. The worst areas now are side burns, chin, along the jawline and the whole underside of my jaw. Those leave a clearly bluish shadow and get stubbly quickly after shaving. So those areas I'd focus on getting lasered then.
The rest of the hair on my body I can more easily manage by just shaving once or twice a week. Chest hair I'd like to get rid of though, cause it's very dark against almost paper white skin so it shows even when it's newly shaven, and that bothers me. Same with my stomach hair but I'm not often showing that body part when out and about. Don't know if waxing would be better, for everything below my neck, I mean. So I want that lasered too, chest and stomach, I mean. Legs are much more managable, grows slower and are a lot lighter shade of brown. My arms got a little more hairy from the testo, but very little and they don't look all that masculine. Many women have about the same amount of arm hair as I do, some have more. So I actually leave my arm hair as it is. Ass crack hair is annoying as fuck, but I'm not sure if it could be reasonable to get that lasered or just weird. Not that I'd care, but still. As far as I know, my back is still hairless, except from very few stray hairs on my upper back and shoulders, so that requires very minimal grooming.
More and more I do want to get implants to get a new pair of tits. In my mind I imagine that my now top surgery scars could likely end up hidden under new boobs. When I think about getting new ones, it soothes and calms me with a warming, comforting feeling. I'd really like that, and I think it would be immensely comforting to have that kind of body part again. I don't care if they'd look a little fake or "too round/perky" a little uneven or whatever. Although I'd try to get them as natural- and good-looking as a skilled surgeon could reasonably make them. Within reason, of course. I wouldn't nitpick. But yeah, I've been feeling the most comfortable with a bigger chest now, it feels more me and I think I look great with it. When it's big enough to show bumps even when wearing thicker jackets, but not so big it looks like I'm about to fall over from the weight of them.
Thinking about those things I can actually do in the future to make myself feel like my body is mine again, comforts me right now. Like there is some hope. And I still do like that I can choose my tit size by having surgery to get new ones, I wouldn't be stuck with an unsatisfyingly small B-cup but can pick any size I want. I'm sure I'd go with at least C-cup size, but likely a bit bigger than that. Like D or DD, I think would be great on my chest. I've always wanted big tits, except from when I blocked that wish out of my head for that wish to be a guy. It reminds me of that I used to stuff my push-up bras extra much, back in my teens. I could get such a great looking cleavage... I will be able to get that again, perhaps an even better looking one, with no need or wish to stuff my bras with heaps of padding, that they'd do fine just as they are in a form-pressed, supporting bra. Wonderful big boobs that I could embrace and have others embrace as well. A gentle hug that's always on my chest...
At that job training place... I don't know why I felt so sad and broken being there. One guy didn't recognise me and asked me if I was knew there, and I hated saying "I'm John" cause I thought it would be too confusing or weird if I said Laura, but I wanted to. Another guy didn't say anything but kept staring at me all the freaking time. That made me so uncomfortable, I felt like a drag show while I kept telling myself 'but I'm a cis girl...' as though my mind couldn't make sense of it. But other than that, no one said or did anything. Most of them didn't seem to care. I kinda wanted for them to mention it or ask about it so that I could clarify I'm really a girl and not in drag or crossdressing... but they didn't and now I'm thinking that's what they must think of me, it made me unable to focus on anything else during my 3 hours there. It just hurt so fucking bad. As though transitioning somehow made me into a bio guy and now I have to defend being a girl like I just can't... it's messed up. It's messing me up. I just wanna be me, for fuck's sake I'm so sick of all this gender chaos! I just wanna go back as though transitioning never happened.
July 12th.
I did mention to the gynecological ward (when I called to get an appointment) that I'm trans and legally male... I guess I might have to explain that now, going there looking like a woman later this morning. But I feel better about that though, cause then I won't possibly be seen as a guy in drag, cause I'm literally there to get my natural pussy checked on. It feels like I'm really holding on to the fact I have a pussy now. Like it's the only thing still female about my body now and I just feel so comforted by that it's still there, it's mine and I was born with it. And I feel good about taking good care of it too. Speaking of which, I'm writing down the word "latex" in big capital letters on my arm to remind myself of mentioning my allergy. Cause I forgot it for my last gyno visit and that wasn't nice at all. It hurt like a damn motherfucker! So, gonna want to avoid repeating that little mistake.
The gyno visit went fine. It was a kind woman who was easy to talk to, and it wasn't awkward or scary at all. All the swabbing and rubbing of my vag made me kinda sore in there though. Let me just say that getting the tiny opening in the cervix (that leads up to the uterus) swabbed with something that looked like a mascara brush was NOT comfortable. Ouch. But the speculum didn't hurt at all like it has in the past. I barely even felt it going in. But yeah, I don't know how many times she swabbed my insides with various items to test for everything, but something like 10 times? Maybe? She warned me that I might bleed a little afterwards.
About birth control stuff I told her I might want to go off testo and also had to inform her that testo is not a very good contraceptive. She said she wasn't sure what could work with me taking testo but thought maybe a spiral with only gestagen could work, but she needs to ask someone else about that to make sure. So she'll call me about it and if it could work, I'll get back to the gynecological ward and get it inserted. She showed me what it looks like and I just thought "aw, that's a cute, tiny little thing!" and then after the appointment I thought "please tell me that does not hurt like a living hell to get stuffed up into my uterus?!" but I'm sure I'd survive that too. Oh god, now I really don't want to wait 3 fucking months to get this damn testosterone out of me. Can I get it sucked out of my thigh muscle somehow?! Ugh, yeah whatever.
My mother said I dressed like a teen today though. I think I look like a trashy hooker, but maybe that's just me. I do have some 90's teen vibes to my look though, with a very tight (formerly) white denim zip up vest that looks a bit like a fake overbust corset without wiring that actually gives me a little bit of cleavage cause of pushing the tiny bit of chest fat I have towards the middle! It felt great seeing something like a cleavage on my chest. And then I matched that with a short kilt-inspired red/black/white checkered skirt, a black leather studded belt, black fake leather studded bracelets, my black leather waist bag and knee high black boots. As for my makeup I went more brown and burgundy today. Oh, and my mom so kindly told me I needed to shave... yeah, thanks! Nothing boosts my confidence like being told my stubble is showing through my makeup... just ugh.
Then we went shopping as well and I found sooo much clothes and shoes, belts and bags at one of the thrift stores in the city, like holy shit! That was two full bags of stuff! That store really had a lot of awesome looking things. I found several skirts, a few shirts/tops, a dress or two, some cardigans, a belt, three pairs of shoes, one bag... like yeah, that was quite a shopping spree and I had so much fun just finding more and more that looked awesome and fit! Almost everything in black, was just one shirt that was beige. Also a dress that's probably gonna be very large on me but I'm thinking wearing it with a belt at my waist it will look great. Correction: the dress is not too big, but is of my size and it's probably a shirt, not a dress, cause it very very barely covers my pussy when I'm bare underneath it. That turned me on.
Let's play the game of "is this a shirt or a dress?" alternatively "can this shirt be worn as a dress?" while not wearing any underwear... just for the thrill of it! I'm such an exhibitionist, seriously... it turns me on so bad thinking I might be seen naked, or just my genitals, or doing something sexual.
Oh one more thing, although it's just barely related to my detransititioning... I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I do like women anyway. Cause I'm starting to think that my "fading bisexuality" was actually just my growing contempt for women and femaleness, as it so conveniently coincided with my "feeling more male" phase last year. Cause now... as I'm starting to reconnect with my own femaleness and womanhood... women do seem kinda beautiful, and attractive again. So, did my sexuality really change or was it my perspective that did? In the car on my way back home after the trip to Visby today, I did kinda slipped into a fantasy about sex with another woman. I guess I kinda thought about that "male gyno" fantasy and then knowing the gyno I had was a woman, and a not too bad looking one at that... my mind kinda took me places! Like I thought I woundn't have minded her being inappropriate with me. And then now back at home again, I did kinda masturbate to the thought of being in a very hot threesome with a guy and a girl. In my mind I licked her pussy while he fucked mine. That made me cum really hard.
So... maybe I need to look into that about me possibly actually being bisexual again. Fuck I thought I was done debating my sexuality with myself, but apparently not. But it does make sense though. That me "hating" femaleness and womanhood cause of my trauma made me kinda "push away" my attraction to women. I remember I had a huge crush on a girl when I was 14. I was practically in love with her. Her name was Elena and she had long, very light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, kinda average curvy body and like she didn't look like a photo model or anything, and I barely even knew her at that church group where we met, but damn she made me really weak in my knees like I had never felt for a girl before. It was because of her I figured I was bisexual when I was 15, after reading an article about bi and gay girls in a teen magazine that I was subscribing to, thus learning the words for how I felt. I felt that me liking girls sexually and romantically was clearly gay.
Now, I'm almost kinda daring to explore in my mind what might constitute as "lesbian sex" as in me as a girl having sex with another girl. What that could be like and if it's possible I might actually want and be into that. And could I fall for a girl again? Well I've never said never, I never entirely closed that door even when I firmly called myself 'gay' as a guy. And I've always liked pussy, regardless. How much I drooled over my trans ex boyfriend's pussy, how incredibly beautiful and sexy it appeared to me, looks and feeling and scent and everything, yearning to feel its beauty against my tongue and lips, kinda has me thinking I would have absolutely loved it. So yeah, I definitely know I love pussy, my own and others', even though I've never... but one day I will, I'll make sure I won't die without that experience. Whether it's a trans guy or a cis girl or why not both? Time will tell, I hope.
Me, half a lesbian, half straight? Who would have thought. Well I once did, in my teens. But it's still weird for me to use the word "lesbian" in regards to myself even though i know I can't possibly be an actual lesbian due to my insanely strong attraction to men... but I mean, yeah you know what I mean. It's weird to think of myself as "WLW"* when I not even two weeks ago thought of myself as "MLM."* Also I hate to admit this because I know it's shitty, but it's something I really need to work on to change... my stupid idea that it's not really "sex" if there's no penetration. Which does exclude a lot of girl-on-girl sex in my mind as "doesn't count" which sucks. So okay, I'm real fucking sucker for getting penetrated, but I mean come on? I've had non-panatrative sex with guys as well! But that's the thing: it didn't feel like sex then. Felt more like petting or making out naked then. Like I need to get myself properly stuffed with something, whether a toy or a body part, for me to feel like it's actually sex. Or for me to do that on my partner, I guess. I could ignore that opinion of mine as a "gay guy" but I probably can't as a bi girl.
[In case explanation is needed. WLW: women loving women. MLM: men loving men. In the context of same gender attraction.]
Well maybe I could just say that sex is sex as long as there's some kind of genital contact between the people involved, but my prissy self is not gonna get satisfied without getting at least one of my two lower holes filled the fuck up, cause that's what I like the best and feel really good doing. Yeah I've been trying that thought for a while but it doesn't want to get stuck.
And no, this is not me trying to shoehorn myself back into the lgbt community... I've already promptly asked my stupid brain that question about this and I don't think that's what's going on here. It seems to be a genuine change of perspective due to what released within me when I discovered I'm not trans and connected with my womanhood. Cause what came along with that, was getting a little less misogynistic. That me starting to feel better about women as people, seems to be "re-awakening" my "former" bisexuality. I guess it just took a nap, or something! It ain't dead yet!
This might lead to an even stronger attraction to women that I have not felt before. So maybe I'll be chasing pussy as well as dick in not that long from now-ish. Somehow I feel better about possibly flirting with girls as a girl myself. I don't think I'd feel like a predator or creep as much then, even if I'd go bold and direct, and because my flirting methods have always been feminine. This does make a lot of sense to me, so it doesn't come as a surprise at all, that I seem to still be into women. I'm like "yeah, of course this is happening now, I should have expected it but guess I was just busy with other thoughts" kinda. And it's really not a big deal for me. Sure, I've had little to no sexual/intimate experiences with women, but I mean so what? I'm not that old, I'm sure that if I'd really want to, I could find someone to give me such experiences. But I've gotta admit though, I'll likely be more picky with women than I am with men. I know I have a pretty clear "type" when it comes to women. That small, ultra feminine type. Either blonde or ginger and softly feminine, or dark-haired and goth/alternative feminine. However I think I could open up some space for other types as well. Like other body types, at least.
So yeah, with women I'd be kinda "fem for fem" I guess! Which is funny to me now cause yeah, not even a few weeks ago I thought of myself as "masc for masc" as a gay guy...
Oh my god, why have I never told you!? I don't know why I keep forgetting it, but... maaaany years ago now (I was 15) I actually did have a date with a girl who was 17 at the time. She was Asian, sporty and kinda alternative butch. She made me a drawing of some random person's feet/legs wearing jeans and Converse shoes, and I'm sure I kept it somewhere, in a diary or drawing pad maybe. What was her name... Jane! That was it. She was bisexual and she found me on Qruiser. She was the first person I met from online, and I had completely forgotten about her.
Wow, my brain really sucks sometimes, to let me forget that it was Jane who was the first person I met from the internet, and not my rapist. It wasn't a very great date with her though, we didn't connect at all and we were both very distant and nervous. Also there was a language barrier that I was unaware of before we met. She wasn't very good at speaking Swedish and her English wasn't a whole lot better, but we managed to talk somewhat okay in Swenglish. Bear in mind that my own English was not nearly as good back then as it is now. I wasn't really fluent yet.
But I do remember her... at least a little. I can't recall what her face looked like anymore, I only vaguely think she might have been Korean, like that she told me that. And that I thought she was cute, but I didn't get any sparky feelings for her. Probably cause her personality clashed pretty hard with mine and communication was so difficult. We never talked or met up again after that date, so I guess we were both disappointed. That was one of those "almost could have been's" that got lost somewhere at the bottom of my endless piles of memories. That I suddenly recalled it now though... I wonder if that means something. That my mind dug it up for me, as though it said "here, how about a little blast from the past to get you thinking some more about reclaiming that bisexuality?" Thanks brain, for at least working properly on occasion.
So am I bi or not? The eternal question. Well, give me a (semi) hot girl who wants to fuck me and I'll tell you afterwards. Cause at this point, I think that's probably what it kinda takes for me to figure out if I'm really into women or not. But as far as I can tell from here, without ever having fucked a girl and only having my imagination to go by... I'd say it's likely I have some buried/stuffed away attraction to women, and since I'm definitely attracted to men, that would make me more or less bisexual. But I'm clearly no pansexual though, because I do care about what gender any potential mates are, and I'm clearly only really attracted to masculine men and possibly also feminine women. So I'd not be attracted to "people regardless of gender" but rather certain specific men and specific women and which one probably depending on my mood. Wow, please remind me to never get married...
If I can just fantasise about my detransitioning journey, similar to what I did say in that email, but on a much more positive perspective as in looking forward to that stuff and the results of it... although of course I have to take into consideration it will likely be a bit painful and frustrating as well... then what would I want to do and kind of in what order if I could choose that? I think I should go from least extreme and save the most intense stuff for last, if possible:
Well I'd like to stop taking testo first, and if I haven't already by then, go on a birth control of some kind to keep periods in check (just reduced but not eliminated would be good enough) and pregnancies away. And also get around to fixing a legal name change. Then I'd like to look into some laser hair removal. Cause as I said that's a little less intense than electrolysis and I think it would be a good start, and it might even be enough. Here in Sweden, trans women are usually recommended to start with laser and then do electrolysis later on if needed. I think that alone will make me feel much better and more relaxed about myself. Then I'm really hoping I could get scheduled for new tits sometime after or during that procedure. And also look into getting my legal gender marker changed back to female again, if possible. And of course keep checking in with a therapist to how I'm feeling about about "changing back" if it's going well or bad or whatever, and my mental health status in general.
That, I think, should be it and I think it would really help me feel good in my own skin, like the beautiful woman I know I still and actually am, somewhere inside. And I know it's what's inside that matters, but I really do feel like I need this "restoration" now, and I want whatever results I can envision in my mind. So have I decided to go off testo then? More or less, about 90% sure, I think. I'll contact my endo about it when I'm more certain.
Life feels strange, still. As though I'm seeing it through another window now. But I'm still in the same house. And I've been trying desperately my whole life to make that house into my home. It feels like when I still lived in the house I grew up in and hated living there. Ever since me and my family moved away from it... I've missed it a lot. Oh, by the way. I'm a girl in my nightly dreams now. Ever since my discovery. I don't think my brain has ever been that quick to catch on to my changes, whether physical or psychological.
That brings me to another feeling. I've only had two dreams in which I was a cis guy, and in the first of them I had... I was a 12 year old boy who was repeatedly raping his 9 year old sister. Suddenly, that dream speaks volumes about how intricately connected my gender issues are/were with my sexual trauma issues. That I thought I was a guy because of rape, pretty much. That I tried to remove my abused gendered traits... was most certainly the wrong move. My subconscious mind always knew, and tried to tell me about it... but I don't speak well in riddles.
Well, eventually I got the message. And I think me finding out I wanted to keep my pussy was the real start of it. Cause that wasn't just me liking to get my cunt fucked and not wanting SRS anymore. That was me literally aligning and spiritually connecting to the most female aspect of my body as though it aligned with my gender. It was the beginning of my awakening, cause ever since then, I started doubting my transness much more, and people around me started doubting it as well. But then it took a while before I dared to open that door in my mind. But now I stand on the other side of it, looking through a mirror. It's given me a very surreal feeling of what's going on. A little "Alice in Wonderland" effect to how I filter my world through my mind.
I keep switching between thinking "this isn't so bad" and feeling like I have a huge hole in my stomach of regret, sadness and pain for what I've put myself through. Like I just want to hold myself and tell her I'm so so so sorry, and I'll fix it, I'll make it better again somehow, that I'll do whatever I can and I won't give up. So I'm not mad, I'm sad and filled with a pain I can't even begin to fully understand. And I'm shocked. I still am, trying to make sense of it all, but fail to grasp it. I feel like a woman now and I love being a woman. I don't need to follow what society thinks a womn should be like, I'll be my own kind of woman.
Cause I can be anything I want to be as a woman. I can become a master of karate, I can be a professional whore, I can sleep around recklessly only thinking with my pussy, I can dress in super short skirts and have my (future) fake tits hanging halfway out of a too small shirt and wear layers of skanky makeup or drag around in jeans and a hoodie, I can burp in public and enter drinking contests with cis guys at some random bar, I can even use my over-priced stp dick when needing to pee outdoors and dumbfound everyone around me as to even how I can take a leak standing up as though it's no big deal what so ever, I can stay un-married and child-free forever and go to parties for a living and whore around for a passion, I can be strong and empowering, I can advocate for men's rights and rail on feminism, I can flirt with women and men and have sex with anyone of either gender who wants to, I can write and make art like I always have... My point is I can do anything I so damn well please, without taking society's expectations into count. I'm sweet and feminine but also wild and masculine. I'm fire and ice. I don't care about rules and expectations, I literally never have. Nothing's stopping me from doing what I want in life as a woman. Being a woman IS enough. And that took me damn long enough to figure out. But now I know and now I embrace it.
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