Pick a hell and go with it

I need to ask myself this but fuck I don't want to... Have I really tried enough? Cause the fatality of my mind is that I keep trying my very best yet failing miserably. But can I afford to fail my own body? Is the price not too high to pay? Fucking hell.

Cause I keep stumbling across Buck Angel's posts on facebook as he makes them rather often and they're on my feed. And it feels as though it's a sign that I shouldn't disregard his message as not applicable to me. But all of my essence wants to disregard it as inapplicable. Every essence of me! How should I approach this?

Cause I can't ignore it anymore. One more try, I have to. Am I desperate? Am I trying too hard, or have I not yet tried hard enough? Of course I'm desperate. But the second question I do not know the answer to. I'm spinning in circles and cannot find a way out. I'm dizzy and nauseous with existential dread. Buck's message, for all this time, has always been: embrace your vagina. But how can I? How can I even just try to imagine being like this forever without crying? Without wishing I'd rather be dead? I can't imagine cancelling surgery without it tearing me up from the core.

But maybe I have to. If it's really all or nothing, as I keep saying, and I'm struggling more and more to think having the surgery will actually improve my life, and I like having sex with my vag again... perhaps it would be better to just cancel it all off and keep my genitals as they currently are. Just writing that sentence gave me a literal chest pain and made my head spin. I have to face this; I have to be honest with myself. Hear out my own, real, true, honest thoughts and feelings that I'd rather not acknowledge. That I wish weren't there at all. How can I, how could I, now what do I do? Breathe, that's always a good start. And stay calm.

It's just a thought; it can't hurt me. But hell, it makes my heart race and ties my stomach into a knot. I hate my pussy but it's obvious I can't truly live without it. I hold onto it for dear life. The dick I crave to have, I can't have. What use would I have for metoidioplasty anyway? Did I ever ask myself that? Cause no, I bloody didn't. What would I do with it? Too small to penetrate with and likely too small to stand up to pee with as well. Then what? A dick doesn't really have any other functions. If I'd get that surgery, I'd only limit what I can do with my genitals more, for looks. Is that even worth it? No it's bloody not!

Maybe I should, for two seconds, focus off from my vag and consider the rest of that vulva mess for a bit. I hate that I have a pussy, in general, cause I'm a guy and there just should be a dick there instead. But there isn't one and you know what? Ftm SRS fucking sucks. I wish it was better, that it could give me a fully sized, fully sensate and fully functional dick. But all I have to choose from is a tiny, fully sensate dick with little to some function that looks good - or a fully sized, not very sensate and somewhat functional dick that looks bad. It's not good enough, and I hate to say it, but it frustrates me to no fucking end. That I just can't get what I need, and I don't think what's available would suffice. Because it's not a replacement... it's a reduction.

Fucking hell, even if I opt out of it, I still need to get that damn hysto. Cause I need to stop my ever so constant anxiety about possibly ending up pregnant or my uterus getting a random hiccup again and causing periods to happen. I've had constant anxiety about that for at least the past almost 2 years now. So getting that stuff thrown out of there is something I never have any doubts over. And I should get it done before I'm starting to doubt that too, cause I should NOT be reproducing, and I've always wanted to stay on testo forever. So I need to get that trash taken care of, whatever else I do or don't do.

This means something else though, doesn't it? If I'd go that route, I won't ever be able to open up to a therapist about my dark past. Not if I still want to have the option to possibly have SRS later on when techniques get better or whatever. My entire body suddenly feels so heavy in my chair, like it's trying to sink through it and through the floor as well, and hide itself in the dirt beneath the building. But all I can think and truly feel about my vag, especially right now, is "I want to keep it, I need it in my life" whether I hate it or not. To hell with you, to fucking hell with you...

It's not really my choice, you know. All I can do is measure my random feelings and see which one wins. Using logic is really just a way to calculate those random feelings to make sure the calculation is correct, but the choice is not mine. The choice, is my random, unchosen, subconscious feelings'. And it breaks my heart, it breaks it, it shatters it. Knowing that, stings even more. For fuck's sake, I need to stop flinging myself into mental walls like this. The pendulum can't swing further than this, it's making 360 turns at this point. No damn surprise that I'm dizzy...

Dare to try... imagine the unimaginable... despite my entire mind fighting it. I have to, if it will so make me literally vomit. Go out for a smoke. Bring a bucket. Let that thought rape my mind a bit. It's not like I haven't put myself through worse. I'll handle it. Somehow. Well, at least I opened that pandora box, although I didn't really dare to step into it. Only dipped my toes in it. I got so close to the finishing line, I don't want to realise that maybe there is no finishing line for me. That I might need to just keep going. The thought is drowning my flame. It would be very difficult to keep it burning. The lyrics of the song playing right now just hit me like a brick wall in my face: "One of these days you're gonna realise just what you've thrown away." It has me gasping.

If I don't do it, it's gonna ruin me.
If I go ahead with it, it's gonna ruin me.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't...
I should just pick a hell and go with it.

But I can't do it! I just can't... and I can't live with myself if I do it and then regret it... then I'd rather keep it, wish I had done away with it, cause then I could still potentially do it later. But I probably shouldn't, considering how inconsistent I've always been about this. It's the one decision I cannot possibly make. It's not a difficult decision, it's literally impossible. Cause it's been nine years, nine fucking years, of trying to make this decision and I'm still back at square one. To hell with it then. If I can't decide, I shouldn't do it.

I suddenly feel so lost. Life... where do I take it now? Well yeah, I still have to try to start whoring, cause I know I'd rather have sex with my current equipment than what I'd have post-op, and I guess just that says quite a lot. That I wouldn't even enjoy having sex with my post-op parts, or at least I don't think I would enjoy it as much. Having sex with a pussy of my own, I think will always be more fun than if I had a dick instead. At least that's somewhat of a pale comfort. I shouldn't cry, I should try to embrace it instead. It feels so good to get that pussy fucked. Embrace that, and enjoy it wholeheartedly. Don't care so much about gender. I look mostly male and pass clothed. If I just worked harder to start exercising and building more muscle mass, I could look really good and manly. I'd have a lot higher chance of making success in the sex work industry if I still have that "bonus hole" as I do enjoy that kind of sex now. Post-op trans guys really are not a hit in that line of work.

Fuck, if Buck Angel can look like a total man while still having a pussy and be the bloody king of tranny porn, then so can I and I'll be the prince of tranny porn. If I just gave it a damn chance. Yeah, practicing karate, going to gyms, swimming pools and what not, will be difficult to manage. That's the biggest hurdle of them all. That's what I can't make myself do at this point. I'm too self-conscious and feel too vulnerable. I guess I need to toughen up some more, huh? Leather skin isn't enough, bring on the steel. Oh hell, it's gonna hurt to get there, but it might just be worth it. Cause no, I can't trade in my 1st class pussy for a 3rd class dick. I just can't. Not with my passion for sex. You get that right? I have a passion for sex. It's my 4th interest, but I never recognised it as such, or noticed it, until recently. That's why I can't draw or write or play WoW these days, cause I'm too occupied with my 4th passion. And that, not the surgery, but my passion for sex: is what I realise I can't throw away.

Give me more time, I need to be sure, as I keep saying. But now I've flung myself in the complete opposite direction of last time's conclusion on this topic, that I should probably cancel the surgery entirely. Not do vaginectomy and not do metoidioplasty either, but I will and still want to get the hysterectomy done. However, if I'd cancel all the other stuff, then I'll probably have start over and get the hysto done at another hospital which could happen sooner, but not likely if I'm gonna keep at it like this up until the day I get a surgery date booked... I've never thrashed myself so bloody over a single decision before. But, not a single physical wound have I caused myself over it. I'm okay... somehow. And these days, I dare to put myself through the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings I never would have before, because I know they can't harm me, and because I'm stronger than before. That has me almost believing, that I might make it even without the surgery. And I might make it better. But it would be even harder.

That flying from a cliff metaphor I used last time I wrote about this, doesn't seem so fitting anymore. Cause I don't think those wings will carry me. It was just wishful thinking. I'm gonna have to climb down that cliff and walk towards my goal instead, or I might hurt myself really badly. As much as it hurts to know, humans can't fly. But I still know there are other means of traveling. Cause that's the real reality that I don't want to face. There's no fucking fantasy fairytale ending, and I can't treat my dysphoria. I'm just gonna have to learn to live with it. Now I really want to break something.