So, I've been taking that Vagifem stuff for 6 days now, and not yet missed a single dose. I gave my vag a few days break from dildos cause it was getting too sore to get any pleasure out of it, but started again with that a couple of days ago, and I think it actually does feel a bit better now. Like it's not nearly as sore around the opening and it feels softer deeper inside. But there's still some soreness in and around that area. And last time I tried it, just some hours ago, I felt no soreness at all. It felt soft, comfortable, gentle and arousing. So I think that might be a good sign that the meds might be working, but I won't un-cross my fingers just yet. I know I need to give it more time before I can clearly say if it's working or not, but I thought an early update could be good too.
And also worth mentioning is that I have not yet noticed any changes in other parts of my body or in my mind, in terms of excess estrogen being released into my bloodstream, that is. I keep checking for signs of that possibly happening too. Mostly in terms of mood swings, more hot flashes, period blood happening, and things like various physical features feminising. I know I have high levels of testosterone, but I'm not sure if that would be for the better or worse if estrogen does get on the loose. Like if my testo would block or intensify it, or do nothing at all with it. I know I should probably get my levels tested, but I don't want to unless I think it would be necessary. My body actually feels better since I started that, like my body temperature isn't so weird anymore (with being too warm and too cold at the same time) and I get hot flashes a lot less frequently. I think it's just happened once in these past 6 days, which is highly unusual cause usually I get several of those per day, every day. Maybe I had too low estrogen and now I'm balancing it out?! Fucking hell...
Anyhow, I hope I can start gently increasing in dildo size in a few days or around the upcoming weekend. If the elasticity is better then, I mean. Cause to just be able to comfortably take an average sized dick in there, I need to stretch it a bit more than this. Girth-wise, I mean, length is not an issue, I like it deep and it goes rather deep. But I need to go up at least twice the size in girth than I can currently take. I do have a kind of medium-sized dildo, between the size of the currently comfy one and the way bigger, "goal" size one. So I don't think I need to buy even more dildos.
But I mean, I do have dildos. But I might not have the right kind of ones for the purpose of stretching my vag. I mean, it should be possible, if those vag meds are working enough to increase the elasticity to allow for stretching to be possible. Before I started taking testo, my vag was always tight back then as well, but I could at least take average sized dicks in there without writhing in pain, but writing in pleasure instead. However I'm not sure if I even can compare my pre-T vag to its current state. Meaning, it might not become like how it was before again. But I'll do what I can with the time that I have.
I do plan on trying to make it possible to start whoring already before my surgery, mostly just because I really want to sell my vag at least just once. I want to know what that's like, psychologically mostly, cause I don't suppose the sex itself would feel different just cause there's a money exchange involved. So it's more for wanting to know what it would feel like mentally to know someone paid to fuck it. And no, it wouldn't be too intrusive or even too dysphoria inducing, regardless of which of my body orifices I'll sell. Having sex, and anticipating sex is like the one time my dysphoria isn't too much of a bother. It might seem weird and shallow, but it actually helps to ease my dysphoria a lot (temporarily) when another guy expresses that he thinks I'm attractive/sexy and wants to be up close and cosy with my genitals or my body in general. I guess it doesn't really matter what I think about my own parts then, then it matters more what we think of each other, rather than ourselves.
So, in a way, I step outside of myself when I'm with another guy whom I know finds me attractive/sexy, whether we're just talking about having sex or are actually doing it. I get more focused on how I'm perceived and how I perceive him, and just toss away whatever feelings I have towards myself. I find it somewhat unusual that for me having sex is the least dysphoric thing I can do, when for so many other trans people, having sex is the most dysphoric thing they can do. But I think it mostly just has a lot to do with perspective and how you tune in/tune out.
I've got some more shit to do first, before I can start setting up accounts/profiles on websites for escorting though. Like getting a decent camera and tripod so I can take some decent selfies. Cause I need nude full body, seductive pictures in high-ish quality that actually look inviting, which I can't manage with my crappy cell phone camera and no tripod or even a selfie stick. Cause my arms ain't that fucking long. And taking photos of my mirror reflection is too trashy and unprofessional looking, especially when you can see both the phone I'm holding and the frame of the mirror. I also need to get a cheap phone and sim-card so I'll have a more safe means of keeping contact with clients and potential clients that isn't something I use for everything else. Simply, I need a "work phone". But trying to find a cheap enough one in this world of expensive smart phones, probably ain't gonna be easy. Also because I don't ever do bidding on online auctions. So might have to buy it new.
So, that might take a little while. Cause then I'll also have to take a bunch of photos and hope at least some of them turn out nicely, and edit them as well. Not editing myself to look better or different from how I really look though. Cause being deceptive about my looks would only bring about trouble when meeting clients in real life if I don't look like they expect me to. However I will try to take photos in at least somewhat flattering angles, but beyond that I won't do any kind of photo manipulation or deception. And that hardly is deception anyway, it's just trying to not look like a total blob of clumsiness with a complete lack of grace. How do I look professionally sexy, by the way? Like a male underwear model? Yeah, that's not unrealistic at all...
Then I'll also have to figure out what exactly to write in the biography sections of profiles online, mostly in terms of my trans status, what I'm looking for/what I like, how I view being/becoming a sex worker, if I'm gonna say something about my level of experience, what more to write about my looks and how I am as a person. Like it could be good to mention I tend to be a bit shy, about my scars and tattoo and piercings, that I want to do sex work and it's not something I feel forced to do, that I'm at least primarily a bottom if not totally, etc. I will create my profiles stating I'm a guy/man and then just put in the biography that I'm trans and in roughly what kind of way. Exactly how to phrase that I'm not sure. Being too non-pc and blunt might be easier to understand for most people, but it might not look too inviting if it's very blunt. And I'm not good with managing in-betweens.
I already have some nudes of myself on at least two different sites online, and I've sent more such pictures privately to other male strangers I've been sexting with. And no I don't trust that none of those pictures have been spread around elsewhere, but that's exactly my point: it doesn't matter if they've been spread around. Because I have no plans or intentions of ever
having a "respectable" job that isn't something artistic or being a
writer, both of which would likely not be negatively impacted by me also
being/having been a sex worker with the photographic evidence to prove
it spread all over the internets. Especially considering none of the art or writing I've ever done or would ever get published would ever be directed towards kids. I write adult content; I draw adult content. If not sexual, then often just nude, horror-inspired or whatever.
Me working with kids in any capacity is probably a bad idea and it's something I want to highly avoid at all costs. Even if it's just getting a children's book published. So then me getting myself "spoiled" with "filthy" sex work, really won't be such a bad idea, if it could further keep me from ever getting employed at some place that means working with kids in one way or another. So me spreading my nudes online for the whole world to see is certainly something I've thought over before I did so. And I came to the conclusion that I simply don't have any reason to worry about it.
I don't plan to hide being a sex worker from friends and family, I'll probably even end up having it stated on my facebook page under "employment" at least in some capacity or another. Maybe I'll jokingly call myself a "sexual social worker" or something else comically distasteful that would make other people wonder if I've lost my mind again or what the fuck. Cause it would just be my friends seeing it then, and not likely my clients.
Nah, but I mean, at the very least I'd state that I'm "self-employed"
or have my own company, then if I'd use a more colourful way to describe
my job or not, I most certainly haven't decided yet. I mean jeez, I haven't even decided on a name for escort websites yet! But I mean, I'm on to something... vaguely.
It might be dumb, but I'm thinking I'd want the term "xs" somewhere in my whore name, to just kind of hint at the size of my... well yeah that. But not to joke it off or brag or whatever, but to show confidence. That yeah it's extra small but so what? It still feels good! Otherwise I think I'll just use my real name. So like "John-xs" or something along those lines. However it might be confusing if I'm still pre-op. Cause sure it's tiny for a dick, but it's god damn large for a clit. Going with one's real name seems common enough to do, at least for those who have no reason to be private or sneaky about their business, due to country laws or conservative family members/friends or whatever. That the ones who can and want to be open and out about it, do seem to often use their real first names. Whether they're famous or just popular. And I don't have anything to fear by using my real name. And also, if I'd get in-calls, the clients would clearly see my real name on the door to my apartment when coming for a visit, so it would be both stupid and redundant to use a fake name then, wouldn't it?
But with my real name being pretty much the most common male name ever, I need to add something more to it or it just won't be available, and certainly not interesting, on most of any websites as a username. But then my username doesn't have to be the name I'd go by. Like I could just write my actual name in the bio, without whatever extra frippery I'll add to it for the username. But I'd stick with just my first name then. And then let the guys that become my actual clients know my surname if they'd visit me instead of me visiting them. That's how I plan to go about that, with the "where to do the deed" kind of factor. That either my place or his place, as involving hotels seems way too risky. Because apparently hotel staff is trained to spot prostitution. So that's bad and a big fucking no-no. And any other kind of place I don't really have the option of. So I'll be taking a risk with that, but then I've really tried to figure out a less risky solution for the question of "where" and googled it like crazy, but there simply isn't any better, less risky option than my own bed. So that might tell you something about the level of risk I'll be taking by just the pure basics of that job.
But holy hell, this won't be an easy job to have at all. I really have never ever truly thought that it would be easy. Yeah, easier than some other jobs, and more worthwhile than all other jobs, but still I expect it to be very exhausting, frustrating, inconvenient, risky, annoying, stressful, mentally challenging and also even physically challenging. And with all that in mind, I think you might understand how much I truly, utterly and completely, no also totally... despise the job market. The system of getting money for time and services is a hell on earth and tears at my soul just thinking about it. It's not something I can easily make it with. It's not something I think will ever be easy for me to do. It might not even be possible at all. Because the essence of my soul is what's keeping me alive, but the job market is known, worldwide, to suck that very essence out of people's souls. Especially the fragile, creative, uncommonly shaped, mentally disabled, feeling and introspecting souls like mine. We're just not cut out for it, but there's no other way. Other than barely scraping by on a highly insufficient allowance, that is. Best case scenario. Or win the fucking lotto. So I don't really have anything to lose by giving it a try. Unlike many other people, I specifically, don't have anything to lose by trying out prostitution.
I don't know if I can work with sex and save the essence of my soul at the same time, but I just have this vague, but also intensely warm, feeling that I just might. And for whatever it's worth, I need to at least try and give it a chance. A true, honest chance that I'll give all I've bloody got before even thinking of giving up. I don't know why it matters so much to me. But it feels like I've been sifting through sand for ages to find a job I can imagine having and not killing my soul with, something I can enjoy and feel fulfilled with but without killing my passion, and finally found a small glimpse of what could be gold. A could be, a maybe, a possibility. And I think I'd hate myself forever and ever if I throw it away as trash, and curse myself for never having dared to even just explore it a bit, to having thrown away such a chance cause of disbelief... I think I'd hate myself if don't take that chance, no matter how crazy or unreasonable it may seem, and see if I can find and reach its true potential. Cause I've thrown away too many chances already, and I hate myself enough for having done so. And because I'd rather regret having been a prostitute, than regret having thrown away that chance, never knowing if it was really gold.
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