Connecting mind and body

I do feel more connected to my pussy these days. I'm starting to almost like it, or at least appreciate it for what it is. In some ways. I feel sexy with it somehow, like I don't think I have before. And I'm starting to see some kind of beauty in the mismatch, like it's an interesting combination. Can I make it, can I make it without the surgery somehow? Cause I want to know, and I need to know.

I groomed myself for two hours this evening. Not what I had intended to do, nor did I expect for it to take so long. But I kinda didn't mind it. But why does it not work to shave my pussy with regular razors? Pretty much nothing happens, yet I had a freshly new blade. I might as well have used a comb on it. I used hair removal cream first, but it didn't take very well. There was still a lot of stubble left, so I thought what the heck, might as well try to shave off the rest. But it took an hour and it made the skin there rather sore and raw, cause I had to go over the same surfaces with the razor probably 20 times for it to have any effect at all and it still didn't get all the hairs. At some point I just had to give up. But I did get most of it, and somehow managed to not cut open any wounds, which is a first.

I've found out that it's comfortable for me to be hairless on the sensitive parts there, but not on what I suppose is called the "pubic mound" like that extra hairy sort of triangle area just above the clit. It itches and I get ingrown hairs there if I shave that area, so I leave it hairy but trimmed. And I also leave it hairy so that it won't look stupid with my hairy stomach. I definitely don't want to shave my stomach, cause that dark, thick carpet of hair is the only damn thing that makes me feel like my stomach isn't fat, by the illusion of a shadow. So I only shave my pubes from clit to butt crack, or even just to the area between my vag and anus, cause I don't see a damn thing all the way back down there and no mirror in the world can save me on that point. But anyhow.

I feel a lot better when that area is shaved though. Like I feel cleaner, over all nicer looking, and I like that I can actually see my clit then. It helps with my dysphoria, my body issues due to trauma, feeling sexier and my over all self esteem/confidence. It also makes masturbation and washing the area easier. I guess the only drawback is that it smells funky sooner after a wash. But that's also a good reminder of needing a shower... I'm pretty sure that me masturbating and lubricating so much is actually what makes me stink faster after a shower as well, and not just the shaving. Since I have a wank more like 2-3 times a day instead of once a day, as of lately. I'm really fucking horny.

I'm starting to like grooming my body and keeping my pussy neatly trimmed and hair free, which I do about once a week or so. Then washing it and moisturising it. Then masturbating while fantasising about my lover fucking me and cum hard. Then whiping off all of that extreme excess of lubrication and put on clean and comfortable clothes. Then go out on my balcony and relax with a very tasty cigarette and feeling amazing. That feels like more than just self care... it's self love.

Just writing that hit me hard with the insight. Do I love my pussy? I'm not sure, but I don't think I hate it anymore. I can hate the dysphoria and all the emotional stress that it's filled me with over the years, but I don't think I can hate my pussy. What harm has it ever actually done to me? Damn it's the most healthy pussy I've ever... heard of? Not sure how to end that sentence. I mean I've never had any diseases or infections or anything in that area. And considering how much unprotected sex I've had, not peed after sex most times, and been lazy with that kind of hygiene quite a lot too, whipe myself from back to front after toilet needs, sharing sex toys with others, and forgetting to clean my sex toys as often as I should... I seem to have the immune system of a literal cyborg. Did I also mention I never get sick? Last time I had a cold was like 2 years ago, and the last time before that was like 6 years ago. Especially considering I'm a heavy smoker with exceptionally crappy food and sleep habits, on top of that. Yep, my immune system deserves a medal or something...

Literally the only thing that's ever been wrong with my pussy is the atrophy from the testosterone, but that's hardly an illness or even unhealth. Just sad effects from a lack of estrogen. I wonder... if I can keep stuffing it with local estrogen pills for the rest of my life? 5, 10, 30 more years? Cause I do want and need to keep it usable, while at the same time I never want to stop taking testo. And I'm getting my ovaries removed as well. At least I plan to, I don't know when but I don't think it should be impossible to get that done this year.

Then yes, I will absolutely ask the gynecologist or whoever is my best bet, if they can sew up that top part of my vag (where my cervix currently is) extra tightly so that my internal parts can handle some rough fucking without possibly rupturing, after it's healed properly, of course. Cause I've heard of that being an option to get it extra sealed up in there, or something they can do, for female-born folks who do want to get hystos but still use their vaginas for sex. Because for a total hysto I'll not just have my uterus removed, but also ovaries, fallopian tubes and cervix. Of my internal reproductive system and genital stuff, there will only be the vaginal canal left. Then of the external genitals, I'll just keep it as it is. Although if I'm vain and rich enough, I might wanna get a labia reduction, plastic surgery, at some point.

Especially if I do build a career in sex work, those extra long flaps of skin might make me even more self conscious about how I look down there. It wouldn't be for the career though, but I'd more so consider it an almost, very light, sort of transition related surgery. Cause I am kind of dysphoric about them being so large, like they look a little gross in my eyes, and I don't really have much of any erotic sensation in them either, so losing some nerves in that particular area wouldn't bother me and I think getting them reduced would help with my dysphoria. And it would be an a lot less invasive surgery than any actual SRS. Reading up on it online, it said it's usually done under local anesthesia. But, I'm not saying I'd remove them completely, just reduce their size a lot. But I'd better never want metoidioplasty again if I'd truly consider such a reduction though.

I am talking about the inner labia, in case that's confusing. I'm fine with the outer ones. Really though. I know they're pretty big too, but I like that in a certain sense cause then it kinda looks like I have a little bulge in my pants, even though it is just a "puffy" pussy and probably looks exactly like that too. But yeah, my inner labia bother me a bit, and they always have bothered me, to some degree or another. I pretend to be more fine with them than I am though, in real life interactions with sex partners. But if I'd go ahead with that kind of modification at some point in the future, I'd be careful to make sure such a plastic surgeon wouldn't mess with my clit or its hood. And hope they could handle working around such a big clit that isn't exactly... erhm, typical for cis women to have.

I've been starting to use more female anatomy terms for those parts of mine, as of lately. No, I'm not detransitioning, I'm still a man but also a man who has female body parts. If I had a dick, I'd call it a dick. I feel that using female terms to describe my female parts is kind of helping me in my journey to come to peace with those parts, by acknowledging them for what they are instead of pretending they're something else. I still sometimes call my clit a dick when talking about it with other trans guys, or beat around the bush about it to avoid triggering their dysphoria, but I don't really ever call it that with anyone else, especially cis people. I'm very much for that "call a spade a spade" kind of mindset for my body. Like when I talk about my chest how it was before top surgery, I call my tits just that. And I'm fine with using other slang words for that body part such as boobs, rack, or even honkers if I'm in that kind of mood. However the word "breasts" makes me cringe a bit. But I can still use it if that's necessary or whatever. Ever since surgery I've just called that area of my body my chest, and then naming things specifically like pecs, nipples, ribs, scars, chest hair, etc. But I guess the irony with that is that in Swedish both words "chest" and "breast" translate to the same word "bröst" and it still makes me cringe to say that word in my own language.

I went swimming yesterday, at the swimming hall here in Hemse (takes about half an hour to walk there, from where I live) and it went really well in many different ways, and I felt so relaxed when I was back home again. I don't want to ramble about it forever, but in conclusion: I was a lot less nervous than I was last time, a little over a year ago. I've never felt so natural and free about my chest as I did there yesterday, walking around shirtless among other people; it felt as though I had never even had tits and like it was just 100% normal for me to go around bare-chested; for the first time ever! That was huge. Showering in the men's locker room went fine too, although a little nerve-wrecking, I was fairly calm about it and didn't even bother to hide my crotch all the time. Like I didn't feel very scared about the other men there seeing it, and I most certainly wasn't alone. Open showers with no cubicles or curtains, just one room with 8-10 showers on the walls next to each other with not even one meters space between, and there were 5 or 6 more guys in there at the same time, all of them much older than me.

Well that is a reason I was calm too: I trust older men much more than guys of my own age. Older guys might be more likely to lust after me, but I think they're also more likely to not be predatory about it. And I really don't mind it if they like watching me, if that's all they do, or I mean... of course I'm not the kind of young guy to say no to an older hottie hitting on me, but I do mean that asking first is appreciated. Yeah, that's certainly worth fantasising about too. But perhaps I should keep that to myself. But in terms of my fantasies, I do want to say that they feel so much better to have in my mind now that I can actually align my physical sensations while masturbating to what I fantasise about. Cause fucking hell I've missed that so hard I want to cry and hold it tightly and never let go.

Finding pleasure in vaginal penetration again, after 10 years of not having been able to get to that point, but not having been able to stop trying or let go of that dream to find it again... then suddenly actually finding it... I don't have words to describe such a reunion.

I've no idea where my mind went just now... but... has anyone else ever had this thought? If a trans guy gets phalloplasty but keeps his vag... can he then, theoretically of course, penetrate himself with his own dick? That thought turned me on a bit. Cause I've seen porn videos of cis guys penetrating themselves anally with their own (rather long) dicks, and I guess my thought wandered to trans guys with phallo, cause well yeah the vaginal opening is closer to the dick then than the ass is to the dick on a cis guy. I'd love to see such a porn video of a trans guy penetrating his own vag with his own dick though... that would be hella hot to see. But not that many post-phallo guys on pornhub, sadly.

But I digress. But where do all my thoughts come from, seriously? Cause I don't know what kind of swamp the majority of them plop up from. I wouldn't call them "intrusive" but rather just "unexpected." But considering how much porn I've been watching for the past 16 years or so... I'm not all that surprised, actually.

But anywhow. I felt strangely aligned with my body at the swimming hall yesterday, although nervous, it could have been much worse. I expected it to be much worse. But I totally felt like a guy there and I wasn't uncomfortable about having a pussy, just the situation my pussy was in that was a little scary. If that makes sense. I wasn't uncomfortable about the rest of my body either, and I knew I was meant to use the men's locker room. Not once did I even consider using the gender neutral one instead. That's the kind of crazy I really take pride in being. The brave kind of crazy, the "I'm scared shitless and can count a million things that can go wrong with this but fuck I'm gonna do it anyway cause I know it's right" kind of crazy. You wanna know why? Come closer, I'll tell you... Cause the emotional reward it gives me is almost worth dying for. Cause it's food for self love, personal development, insights and inner strength. Cause it makes me feel so alive.

I hope I can keep connecting more to my body, while still also work harder to make myself start and continue exercising. By the time I'll start karate again, I want to be ready for it. Both physically and mentally. Then give it all I've got during practice. Prove myself better than I think I ever can be. I want to reach my full potential, somehow. Both physically and mentally. I know I can't just focus on one or the other of those, cause I think one of the most important things I can do for myself in this life... is to connect my body and mind by building them both together, in harmony. How's that for a plan? I think it sounds great. Cause with me being trans and dysphoric, I think I really could make good use for working with myself in that kind of way. To little by little work on both improving my mind and improving my body, at the same time, together. As though I'm forcing and encouraging two enemies to hold hands and do teamwork. Cause I think that's just what they bloody need to get along.

And of course... I do see me starting sex work as also a way for me to connect my body and mind. Sex, very much is, exactly that. At least it is for me. Cause the more I connect my mind to my body during sex, the more amazing it feels, and the more liberated I feel afterwards. And I also think that when I'm being sexual with someone I'm into, no matter how much or little, that is when I feel the least dysphoric and the most self-loving, handsome, attractive, wonderful and actually really cosy in my own body. It's no bloody wonder I got so obsessed with sex when it's basically a drug for me. I wonder what's up with the endorphin receptors in my brain... cause they seem to go really crazy on me when I'm in the mood to fuck. Well, as long as my mental health issues aren't muting them, that is.

It's been a long time... but I remember it as yesterday. I almost buried that dream thinking it was lost forever. But damned if I do, cause now I'll never give up on it again. I'll do everything I can to revive that pleasure to the skyrocketing insanity levels it once reached again. Or I'll die trying. I'll meditate on it, I'll medicate on it; focus on relaxing and being one with my body, take care of it as well as I can and learn to be fine with how it is, I think is a good start to finding that kind of fire again. That kind of fire that could warm up the coldest of winters, tenfold, thousandfold. I want to become an orgasmic god again, and I'll never ever give up on my vagina again. It may be of the wrong sex, but damn it knows how to bring me to a paradise that's really worth fighting for. How could I ever throw that away?

I think I wanted to believe it was dead, gone and buried so that I could go ahead with getting SRS and look fully male, without looking back or feel regret. But oh, now I think there was a huge chunk of wishful thinking in that belief. I didn't want for my pussy to start working again, but damn it's even more stubborn than my hopeless mind is! It's almost as though it had been gasping for air at the brink of death while taking a beating constantly for a decade... and then it just smacked its torturer in the head with a force strong enough to crack a skull, and it kept beating back while screaming "listen to me, you fuck!" So I guess the message is... don't underestimate a pissed off pussy? I think my metaphors are getting a little trippy... no, I swear I'm sober. Haven't had a drink in days.

I might be high on the spring though... the changing of seasons for brighter and warmer days. Some years that has a positive effect on me, other years it doesn't. But it fairly often feels like a good time for a re-start. Especially cause it gets extra symbolic with my birthday being in spring as well. Even though turning 29 is hardly a special number of any symbolism, whether for myself personally or in a more objective sense. It just doesn't mean anything really. And I think I see it more as a continuum of the change I went through around New Year's last year (2016 becoming 2017), but maybe a bit more like version 2.0 of it. Hopefully. Or it will just continue to be version 1.0 until I manage to kick my lazy ass off of this damn chair and get started with working towards my goals.

I'll start trying out sex work rather soon, but how soon I can't know yet. Still some stuff I need to wait for to arrive, and some stuff I need to do and prepare, then waiting for guys to start requesting my services, which I really don't know how long that could take. Anything between a few days and a few months, I guess. The waiting for clients to wanna buy me, that is. The other stuff? At most a couple of weeks from now. So I'll start advertising myself as a sex worker (escort) very soon now. Meaning in or around beginning of May, most likely. I'm so excited about that I don't know what do with myself. And I'm hella nervous too... I'm not sure what to expect...

I probably should tell my lover about those plans as well though... guess I don't wanna but I kinda need to. Especially if it might lead to us becoming a couple, which it could, but I'm really not sure and nor am I wishing either which way. But it's possible we might be heading there even though I'm far from ready for a new relationship. I might have to pull the breaks and say I'm not ready if it would come to that too.

But first things first, I know I can't be with him if he'd make me choose between him and sex work. Cause I wouldn't and won't choose him over that. As much as it would hurt, as much as I'd probably cry over that and feel awful, as much as I'd rather hold onto him... sometimes you just can't have it all. And I need to prepare myself for that possibility just as much as I need to be honest with him about my plans. Cause it's not just a hobby... it's about a career. And I mean that in the true sense of the word. I mean "career" as in a job I'd invest really a lot in, and fight through hell and high water to make it work, have as my main source of income and never give up on it unless it's literally impossible for me to continue, to build my life around it and be able to rely on it eventually. Whether I could become rich from it or just barely scrape by with a lousy paycheck, doesn't matter.

But I will try hard to earn as much as I reasonably can without killing myself in the process, so that I can try to save up enough money for a place to live somewhere in the Stockholm suburbs. I mean that I want to earn money for necessary things. Like a new home in a place I don't hate, a driver's licence and car so I can do my job better and have a more convenient life, and then we can take it from there. I want to truly work my fucking ass off to become good at that job and earn as much as I can, establish a good reputation within that branch to evolve further and get even better business opportunities which would most likely be porn-related. I don't want to become something else than a sex worker. Ever. That, is what I consider a "career". You don't choose a potential boyfriend over that, what is essentially the glue of what you'd prefer for your entire future be like. What is essentially your dream. I can only hope that is understandable.

But one thing I want to make clear: I wouldn't do it for fame, not in any way. I don't think I'd like being famous, I think it would be an awful way to live, not being able to hide in public. I'll do it for finding purpose in my life, to find meaning. I feel it beating in my heart, like this is my calling. It's strong, it's powerful, and it wants the best for me. Yes, it's unconventional, but if you know me, it shouldn't be of any surprise that I find an unconventional field of work to be my calling. But no, I'm not doing it for attention or to feel special either. But of course, it does feel special to me. Like a burning passion I just cannot ignore and that I refuse to let go of. And I don't care about what others may think of it. It's not gonna be their jobs to sell sex, now is it?

I'm walking to the beat of my own drum. Others can chose to walk beside me if they want to, but I will never let go of that drum for someone else's. That is not my path. I have to follow my heart, even if that means it might break sometimes, for the people that I care about who can't walk beside me. That is my strength, and that is also my weakness. I've made the choice to not give up; at the very least, not before I've even started.