Tuesday, April 10th
Something is wrong, but I can only sense it. When opposite emotions collide, I can't think of anything, any word to describe what it is I feel. It scares me. It's been so for days now, or weeks, I can' tell. I feel numb and overly emotional at the same time. How is that even possible?
My stomach is now an empty hole I can never fill, and my clothes just gets tighter and tighter and my limbs feel more and more stiff. I can't move my legs or sit the way I want to any more. I have to work on going against the feeling of wanting to fill this endless hole in my gut with food and sweets. I'm losing money, and I'm losing the little self esteem I had, cause I hate the direction my body changes towards, and I can't afford to buy new, bigger clothes and more candy. I can't afford to gain more weight.
I'm lost, lost in the eternity of my bloody thoughts and feeling. Sometimes I feel too much and it bothers me, sometimes I don't feel anything and it bothers me. Even when it's the right amount of the shit it's just wrong and too weird.
I don't sleep or dream at night - I'm waking up from one nightmare into another every single day. And this is my life, I just have to accept it, and do the best I can of it. I wonder, just this very moment: is that what I'm doing? Is that what I'm doing when I drink five mugs of coffee and smoke a whole package of cigarettes a day, when I cut my arms and tell myself this is the fourth time today, when I watch the same movie for the second time in less than two days, when I crawl back into bed before I even give the new day a chance? Am I fucking doing the best I can when all I'm doing is trying to run away from myself and my ghosts, cause I can't handle the reality? I don't think so. But what do I do? Tomorrow the same thing will start all over again, and the next day and so on. I'm not living my life, I'm wasting it. Wasting it on legal drugs, escapism and polishing tarnished dreams.
How long can one night be? Has it ever really been daytime...?
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