Okay, round two... here we go for the second time. Or went, cause I'm writing about the experience afterwards. And damn. Damn! Got a little change of plans, cause it didn't work out practically how I had decided upon yesterday. With a plug in my butt and half the double dildo in the front. That thing isn't as bendy as I'd want for it to be, and nor is my vag. So that was an ouch and a nope. So I just thought, why not use the double dildo as intended instead? So I did. However still with the thinner half in the front and the thicker in the back, cause well my body is weird, I guess. Cause its intended use is the other way around, for some reason. But whatever.
And holy hell what a ride it was. Immediately I was in awe at the sensation of getting plugged in both ways at once... and oh my was that a sensation made in heaven! And combined with the vibe, it brought me to a sensational orgasm, way stronger than the one I got yesterday and that says a lot. Not only could I not keep quiet, but I also really couldn't sit still. Not like I tried to, but I wanted to at least not fall off the chair. Did I mention something about a "potential with double penetration"?! I still didn't expect it. Seriously, mother of hell, I don't have words for such a feeling... I'm scrambling for words to describe it.
Like... try to imagine a really amazing clit orgasm, then a damn good vag orgasm, then the softest and most lingering anal orgasm and slap them all together in the most amazing triple sandwich feast you can imagine. I'm lingering in a dream... that was heavenly. And has me begging for more. Next time I'll try it lying down, might allow for more movement. But damn I might need to look at better DP dildos. Like with a suction cup. But problem is, when I'm orgasming like that, I can't fucking stand on my legs or support my weight on them. So standing up, whether I'd have the dildo attached to a chair or wall, might have me falling over from orgasming too damn hard. Cause I convulse too hard in the most delightful way imaginable. That kind of convulsing definitely doesn't hurt, not in the least. It's the direct opposite of hurting. But supporting my weight on my legs/feet during it, just isn't possible. It has me toppling over quite quickly. Unless I had something to hold on to, maybe, Like a very sturdy piece of furniture, or possibly a door handle. Something that can handle a bit of pulling and won't topple over with or one me. I'll ponder over it.
My orgasms are not always that strong, but when they are strong, they're far beyond incredible. If "incredible" had a roof I'm shooting off into outer space, spinning around the galaxy and dancing around the sun before I'm falling back softly on the bed again. I'm not sure how it's possible, but maybe I've got magic in my nerves. Or just an astounding connection between them and my brain. And I love letting go for the feeling like that, just letting it all go and let my body do exactly what it wants to. Maybe that's why it gets so strong, cause I'm not holding it back at all, and I really don't care about what it may look like or how weird I might sound. Cause all that matters in that moment is that feeling and to be in it completely. I think it's the only time I can really let go like that and let my body do what it's undeniably best at.
That is something I would consider to be a talent of mine. Cause I didn't practice it, not really. It seems to be just somehow built-in inside me somewhere. An ability I was just born with. An ability to reach otherworldly intense orgasms, and yeah I'm insanely proud and grateful for that truly extraordinary... gift. I don't think I've seen it as a gift before. But it absolutely is. It's not something I've worked for, or bought or acquired on my own in any way. It's just always been there, within me. And all I need to do is literally just tickle some body parts in just the right way and boom, extreme pleasure as though the whole universe explodes inside me.
In this moment, the thought of losing my vag terrifies me. And makes me sad. I don't think I wanted to know this... but it seems it's my G-spot that gives me the greatest orgasms. My clit barely goes halfway in intensity, ever. And anally... I don't know, it tends to vary a lot, but generally it is less intense than clit but can get more intense sometimes but not as intense as vag. Cause I think I might be reaching my G-spot from my ass as well, but just not as directly so the feeling from that area is a little less intense. I want to keep it, I want to work with it somehow... if only I could...
Perhaps it wouldn't be unreasonable to hold off with the vaginectomy, if I'm not ready to lose it. I really don't want to make such a grave mistake. But I need the UL with my meta, so... I'll likely then just have the first stage and skip the second stage. Maybe. I don't know, it grosses me out somehow, to have the vag and male-looking parts at the same time. The thought of having to have a split scrotum makes me cringe, cause they're not supposed to look like that. However, the surgeon said that isn't likely to actually show at all. It could maybe be nice... to have what at first appears like just a male looking package, but with a secret hidden within it. I should think about that some more.
That vag is gonna need a lot of work either way if I should decide to keep it. It's gonna need a buttload of local estrogen, and stretch it a lot too. Me getting UL with vaginal tissue and the labia minora removed would of course give me even more work to get that vag functioning in a peachy way again, but if I've been this persistent about finding a way to make it work for literally the past 10 years, I don't suppose I'll give up anytime soon, huh? Like someone could stick a machete into it and I'd still not consider it dead. Now I've been trying to talk my way around it in previous entries, but I think I should just write what I really feel instead, even though I struggle to be that very honest. Let's get even more real.
It pains me so much. Like I have to let go but I don't want to. Like I clutch at it with all the strength I've got but I don't want to feel this way. It has nothing to do with my gender at all, it's just flesh. But it has everything to do with my pleasure. And I don't want to lose that. I don't think I can consider my pussy to be a male body part no matter how I twist and turn it, but it's always been a part of my body, and I've had a lot of use for it. I wish I could discard it and be fine with that, but right now, I don't think I can. I don't think I could have a satisfying sex life without it. And sex matters to me, but does it matter more to me than my gender? I cannot choose. I refuse to, I bloody well refuse to choose between those! But I'm forced to, and it shatters me.
What matters is the here and now: can I risk losing some or most of that high, to look more male and have a lot less dysphoria? "No!" -that feeling inside me is screaming, over and over. "No, and absolutely not worth it!" I think I need to listen to that feeling, cause how can I first write about how much I really love that truly extraordinary orgasmic gift, and then in the next breath agree to throw it away? I can't. This feels like the hardest decision of my life, I have no idea which way to go. Keep or toss, keep or toss, keep or toss, keep or... it has me spinning in endless circles. Maybe if I spin fast enough I'll just fly in any direction eventually. I think that's what I'm hoping for to happen.
It feels like my vag has been screaming at me for a decade to listen to it, but I kept ignoring it until now. And it keeps screaming at me still cause it wants for me to know exactly what it needs and it's really fucking mad at me. It wants to live. And it wants to live out loud. I've been suffocating it, but I cannot kill it. I do not have the heart to.
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