I’ve just realised something. That the reason it’s especially painful for me when I’m assumed to be a male-born person is because I strived for being seen as a male-born man for all of my transition and I wanted to be male since… I don’t even know how far back… but was rarely ever believed to be male. And now that I’m finally really loving being female, I’m not believed to be female-born. It’s just heartbreaking! It feels like the cruelest of irony. And double irony: I put myself in this situation. Yeah, don’t just take my dreams away from me, beat me with them too. Cause why not, I guess.
I don’t think I really like being seen as a man. I think I’m mostly just despondent to it, cause I don’t wanna correct people on my stupid gender anymore. I’m tired of my constant fucking gender struggle that just went back and forth and bit its own tail. Can’t I just be me? For once, fucking ONCE in my 29 years long life I truly enjoy being a woman, after all the crap I’ve been through… but how much of a woman am I if I’m never seen or treated as one? I feel invisible in my own skin.
It is MY body and I love it. I refuse to change it more just because whoever around the next corner insisting I’m a trans woman makes me feel bad cause they refuse to believe my words. But I can’t say that doesn’t get to me. It digs its ugly claws into me. I know it’s unreasonable to expect people to see me as a woman when I’m not trying all that hard to look like one. I guess I just have it stuck in my head that cause I was born female and had it so easy with my looks before my transition, I shouldn’t have to “prove” my gender to anyone. Like it should just be a given. But it’s clearly not anymore.
That time has passed, and I think I grieve that too. A lost privilege, of sorts. I didn’t sign up for this when I started taking testosterone with the intent to look like and live happily as a man until I’d die of old age. I really didn’t sign up for this regret. But it’s my reality now and I just have to try harder to find ways to deal and cope with it.
Other people cannot decide what gender I have, no matter how persistently they try to. I’m not transgender, I’m not biologically male, I’m not transitioning to female, I’ve not had mtf vaginoplasty, I’m not non-binary. I’m a biologically female cis woman who just happened to transition to male and then regret it and detransition, and I refuse to let anyone put me in boxes that I simply do not belong in. I need to take back my power over that. First of all, I’m not dumb, I understand what’s in my knickers. Second of all, I don’t have amnesia, I would have remembered it if I had gotten mtf srs and if I had ever had a dick. And thirdly, I’m the only one who knows what’s really going on inside my mind, genderwise.
But people who refuse to believe my truth do not deserve my explanation or the energy it takes for me to do so. I am left with but one choice: walk away and ignore them. Let them believe whatever they want to believe. Because sacrificing more of my body that I know I would regret is simply not an option, nor should it ever have to be.
It is my pride to be a woman, my own kind of woman that I’ve created, broken and polished, even if I’m the only one to truly see it, no matter how much that hurts, and the irony of it all pissing on me.
I don’t think I really like being seen as a man. I think I’m mostly just despondent to it, cause I don’t wanna correct people on my stupid gender anymore. I’m tired of my constant fucking gender struggle that just went back and forth and bit its own tail. Can’t I just be me? For once, fucking ONCE in my 29 years long life I truly enjoy being a woman, after all the crap I’ve been through… but how much of a woman am I if I’m never seen or treated as one? I feel invisible in my own skin.
It is MY body and I love it. I refuse to change it more just because whoever around the next corner insisting I’m a trans woman makes me feel bad cause they refuse to believe my words. But I can’t say that doesn’t get to me. It digs its ugly claws into me. I know it’s unreasonable to expect people to see me as a woman when I’m not trying all that hard to look like one. I guess I just have it stuck in my head that cause I was born female and had it so easy with my looks before my transition, I shouldn’t have to “prove” my gender to anyone. Like it should just be a given. But it’s clearly not anymore.
That time has passed, and I think I grieve that too. A lost privilege, of sorts. I didn’t sign up for this when I started taking testosterone with the intent to look like and live happily as a man until I’d die of old age. I really didn’t sign up for this regret. But it’s my reality now and I just have to try harder to find ways to deal and cope with it.
Other people cannot decide what gender I have, no matter how persistently they try to. I’m not transgender, I’m not biologically male, I’m not transitioning to female, I’ve not had mtf vaginoplasty, I’m not non-binary. I’m a biologically female cis woman who just happened to transition to male and then regret it and detransition, and I refuse to let anyone put me in boxes that I simply do not belong in. I need to take back my power over that. First of all, I’m not dumb, I understand what’s in my knickers. Second of all, I don’t have amnesia, I would have remembered it if I had gotten mtf srs and if I had ever had a dick. And thirdly, I’m the only one who knows what’s really going on inside my mind, genderwise.
But people who refuse to believe my truth do not deserve my explanation or the energy it takes for me to do so. I am left with but one choice: walk away and ignore them. Let them believe whatever they want to believe. Because sacrificing more of my body that I know I would regret is simply not an option, nor should it ever have to be.
It is my pride to be a woman, my own kind of woman that I’ve created, broken and polished, even if I’m the only one to truly see it, no matter how much that hurts, and the irony of it all pissing on me.
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