This is a very long entry mostly about my own womanhood, tits, and my messy attraction to other women. Some short, random, mildly sexual lesbian fantasies might have slipped out of me into this text here and there as well.
I was just listening to one of Chase Ross's podcasts on youtube. One about detransitioning, of course. He told a story about a trans woman who had been talked into detransitioning by some shitty priest, like talked into having her breasts removed... and hearing that just iced my freaking blood. Like it didn't just strike a chord in me, the entire string fucking broke. He said she wanted to transition again, after that.
I know my own situation is very different from that of trans women's. Because I did have full femaleness, once upon a time, but got rid of a lot of it. So my pain is different. I mourn something I've lost. They never had it to begin with but yearn for something they feel they should have had to begin with. That is different. I think my situation is in that case more similar to cis women with PCOS (excess testosterone) and women who've had bilateral mastectomies. But I didn't even have a medical reason for any of that. Just my own god damn fucking stupidity. Or what to even call that. My willful ignorance and thinking the grass really was greener on the other side but then realising it wasn't and now I'm fighting to get back home again.
I'm struggling to find any kind of comparison. I still think that my first thought when I had realised all of this is the only thing that can put it into words. It was simply the word "fuck".
Then Chase talked about regaining nipple sensation after being 4 years post op (podcast vid is 1 year old) and that touched a nerve in me as well, when he talked to Aaron about that them getting their nipples stimulated sexually reminds them of that they used to have breasts. That's kind of a bittersweet thing for me now though. I think I can actually... if I close my eyes and don't look down, while someone else is touching/kissing my nipples... kinda imagine in my mind that there are actual breasts under them. That soothes me. But of course getting such stimulation doesn't feel much physically and I hate myself for having ruined my nipple sensation now as well. That can't ever come back. However I do have a tiny bit of sensation left in them, like maybe 1-2% of what I had originally, so maybe if I'd try to pinch or squeeze them really really hard I could actually feel it. I could experiment with that on myself and see if it might actually feel good even. And the bitter side of course is that getting such stimulation reminds me of that I'm flat now and how much I miss the tits.
My sexual fantasies have started to include tits on me 100% now. Rather big ones. It makes me feel super comfortable and soothed and turned on imagining I have actual tits (that are not just a padded bra, but my real skin expanded my implants) that others can touch, squeeze and play with. I wonder how that will feel like with implants, compared to the natural ones I used to have. They'd likely have a firmness that I'd not be used to feeling, but I think they'd be cuddly anyway. And fuck yeah, I'd cuddle my own tits night and day! I can only imagine how extremely happy I'll be waking up from that surgery. Of course I'll likely be numb from morphine, anesthesia and what not, and all wrapped up in bandages, but I'm sure it would be bulging on my chest and that alone would be extremely satisfying.
At this point I'm wearing a padded bra almost 24/7. I usually take it off for sleeping, but not always. Sometimes I need that comfort when trying to fall asleep. If I have it off while in bed, literally the first thing I do when waking up is putting it back on again. Otherwise of course I take it off for showering, but that's about it.
It's another day, but I keep writing here. Still have more to say.
I just wrote a reply to a thread on Susan's about sexuality messed up by trauma. It was in the ftm section of the forum but I thought I had two cents to give about it cause the guy posting the thread had issues quite similar to mine, about attraction to women. While I wrote that I kinda had a bit of a realisation. Or rather I connected a couple of dots, but it wasn't an extreme or particularly heavy realisation. First, I noted that I've been sexually abused by both guys and girls, and more by guys but that I still feel safer with them. I also noted that I have some form of internalised misogyny going on and a tad bit of... well, lesbophobia.
That there's something about the female-female dynamic that simply rubs me the wrong way. That I subconsciously think that sex between two girls isn't quite "real sex" which is a thought I really hate that I have. I don't want to think that way, it's wrong and hurtful. It's unfair too, and ridiculous. I also really don't like the word "lesbian" like it just sounds gross to me somehow. There's also a lot about lesbian culture that I don't particularly like either. Like there are so many crazy lesbians out there that I in no fucking way would ever want to be associated with... Like "terf's" for example, and any kind of extremely radical feminist lesbians, and also something really fucked up that is called "political lesbianism" which is women who literally "choose" to "become" lesbians (but they're actually straight or bi) because they've simply decided that men are bad cause of patriarchy, and then there's of course all the god damned man-hating in general... So ugh, I really have a lot of hangups about that side of myself.
Furthermore I noted that society's shitty view on that female on female sexual abuse isn't a "real thing" that can actually happen has made me doubt the validity of my experiences. And then it clicked. What I did when I was 9, to that other girl. I'm sure that must be why I've always had such a hard time trying to put myself in a consensual female-female sexual relationship. Why I never even dared to pursue it. It was never because of my own gender, was ever anything? How little gender matters to me, now that I detransition. It's like I was obsessed with everything gender for most of my life and now it's like I'm shaking myself like a wet dog to release myself from that obsession. How about I'm just gonna be a person, or try to be? Does it matter, does it really matter?
I stuffed my bisexuality into a garbage bag because of my fear to get "that close" to any other woman. Yet I dreamed about it happening. Wanted it, craved it. And I stuffed my womanhood into another garbage bag, poisoned it and cut it up... yet I needed it and craved it. All those times in the past that I dressed up in drag... it was because I kept craving being a woman and wanting to look like one, but when I dressed up that way, it scared me and made me feel sick. I've been in the closet about being cis. And I had cis denial. It's actually funny when I think about it that way, cause it's true but it's so reverse to how it is for trans people. They're born into a closet they have to come out of. I created a closet that I wasn't born into, that I then had to come out of. So, my joke about "coming out as cis" has a lot more depth to it than I first could see. Accepting myself as a woman has been a life-long struggle, but here I am now, embracing it and unwilling to let go of it.
I don't think I specifically "identify" as a woman though, or a man or any gender. What makes me think of myself as a woman is really just my emotional connection to my female sex traits and to female sex traits in general, and my aversion male sex traits on myself. And that I'm fine with being gendered as female, with such terms and words. That I want to look like a woman and be seen as one by others. I don't know what being a woman "feels like" in the sense that I simply don't feel gender. And gender is not something I would use as an identity. It's not an identity. It's just a state of being. So I haven't and never would say that I "identify as a woman" cause I simply don't. I just am one. I just wanted to clarify that.
But about my bisexuality at least that closet I was born into, and even though I came out as bi at 15 years old, which was a damn long time ago, I always kept one foot in it. As I kept dithering between saying/thinking I was only into men and into both genders. And cause I kept avoiding dating women, mostly subconsciously, I'm probably mostly perceived as someone who's only into men. That I was seen as a gay man previously and now (presumably) as a straight woman.
I don't want to keep one foot in that closet anymore, and I don't want to keep avoiding dating women. I want to work through my million hangups on that point and not let my attraction be stopped by my fears. If I'd fall for another woman and it's mutual, I don't want to miss out on that chance cause of my fears telling me not to go there. What if she's a soulmate of mine, or even my twin flame?
I know that "twin flame" is not a particularly known concept and I might have forgotten most of what it entails, but I can give you the gist of it. There's a belief that each person has their own soul, and those souls can be connected to each other on a spiritual level, like maybe you've known them in a past life. Then that's generally what a "soul mate" is. However, a "twin flame" goes deeper than that. A twin flame is someone who's soul used to be part of yours, but split off somewhere on your journey, and became its own person. This is not a DID thing, I'm talking about two actual people, with both their own bodies and all, but in another incarnation likely very very long ago, they used to be the same person.
Twin flames, if they find each other, are generally literally made to be together. They can clash, but will always find ways to bounce back and strengthen each other, and have a very tight, spiritual bond. I think the concept of twin flames is absolutely beautiful. It's a belief mostly held by people who are very into spiritualism, like "new age" stuff, reincarnation, some ancient Eastern religions, paganism and such. I've tapped into such spiritualism many times before, and much of my wisdom aligns with that, and I even considered choosing the path of Taoism before I went for Satanism instead. However, I learned about the concept of twin flames specifically, from Y when I was with him. We thought for some time that we might be twin flames. And I tend to think of Caspian as my twin flame. Y thought he might be an incarnation of Caspian, but I always felt a very strong doubt in my gut about that.
Now I don't know if Caspian was ever real. It's still too painfil for me to go there. I've held onto him through every heartbreak and rejection ever since I was... I don't know how young but under 10 years old. Maybe 5 or 6. He's been my one and only dream I've always held onto. He's been the one person who'd always love and desire me in a romantic way. He's been my comforting blanket that always holds me warm, and he's been the knife in my always broken heart, at the same time. I've felt like I've missed him beyond what I can bear. And like I've loved him with my entire soul, not just my heart. Like he's not just the love of my life, but the love of my existence, that has lasted over several incarnations. You don't just toss that aside with the explanation it was only a delusion. You just don't or you might shatter irreparably. But this was not what I intended to write about. I digressed into my spiritual beliefs and broken dreams.
Let's get back on track. My point was that "my Caspian" whether that dream was actually real or not, could actually be a woman. And I don't think I'm crazy to not wanna miss out on that chance, of finding and connecting with my "one true love" just because that person might so happen to be of the same sex as me. I really do plan on working through my fears and hangups, but also I really just want to experiment. Try to find a girl to hook up with for sex. Like be completely honest about everything with her, like my transition history and dithering about if I'm really into women or not, but like there's a lot I'm really wanting to try sexually but have never been with any woman before.
So like... I'll probably be very nervous, but I don't think I would back out or regret it afterwards. I know I'll be especially nervous about pussy-licking, but then that's what I desire to try the most, so obviously I wouldn't exactly say no to that. More like "hell yes" to that. It would be so amazing if I could at some point make a girl cum in my mouth... like, oh god what a turn on! And yes of course I'd want to do it as a girl myself. That excites me. I could never even imagine having sex with a woman as a man myself, but with me as a woman... that intrigues me a lot. I guess that's kinda gay. And yeah, by the way, I don't mind hairy pussy, that is also sexy. I might prefer it trimmed or shaven, as I prefer my own to be, but it's hardly a requirement on others. Just a preference.
I know I've been extremely picky with women I'd find attractive before, but I don't think I'm quite as picky anymore. With men I can be with just about anyone, like looks don't matter at all. In fact the uglier ones tend to turn me on more. But it's different with women for me. That's more like a "normal" attraction, I guess. That the more beautiful the more they tend to turn me on, but the more average looking ones can definitely get me going as well. But the uglier ones I really struggle to get turned on by at all. I have some preferances and some "wouldn't tap that" -limits, but in general I don't think I'm all that picky about stuff like height, weight, body shape, style, hair length, etc. Although I guess my preferences are kinda thin to slightly overweight, no height preference but being able to reach for a kiss is nice, long hair will always be the best regardless of gender or style, feminine is hotter than masculine but androgynous is hot too, age span of around 20 to 50, etc.
I'm just brainstorming, I don't actually really know any of this for sure. I'm just having fun playing with this thought, of what kind of women I might be into or not, so maybe don't take it too seriously. All I really know is that I want to have sex with another woman. Then who, how or what she should look or be like, matters a whole lot less at this point. The experience itself, and simply making it happen at all, is what matters. And yeah, that she's not a total douchebag. But anything beyond that is really just fluff. So there's that, I think.
As I'm kinda used to hooking up with men for sex by now, I don't think it should be quite that big of a leap for me to go hooking up with a woman for sex. I mean, I'm sure the dynamic will be different and I'll be a nervous heap of... I don't know what, but my point is that hookups are still hookups, regardless of the genders involved, and I'm generally familiar with that kind of culture. So I don't think it's too extreme of a move for me to make. Especially considering I know this is something I've wanted for a very, very long time but just haven't dared to. It's not like I found out about my attraction to women yesterday. More 14 years ago. I just can't help but thinking it's about god damn time I get my ass out there on the lesbian meat market and try to score some pussy. Like come on, 14 years?!
Would I like a relationship with another woman, as in a girlfriend? Well I'm open to the idea, but let's just take it one step at a time, okay. I have loads of emotional issues with dating in general, and then with this kind of internalised lesbophobia being added onto it if I'd get a girlfriend... let's just say I should be taking it very, very carefully, if or when that might happen. It's not something I should just jump right into haphazardly, cause it's exciting or I'm in love, or other forms of sheer stupidity. If I'll fall for another girl, I'll take that then and there. I don't want to worry about it too much now. So I'll just say if it happens it happens and I'll try to not either just jump right into it nor run away scared shitless in the opposite direction cause my own feefees upset and confuse me.
Talking to my therapist about this might be good too. As this is some form of internalised homophobia that is tied to my trauma, it's probably legit enough to rant to my therapist about. Like I'd feel it's legit enough for me to bring up, I mean. But yeah again I've no idea how I'd even phrase myself, cause I'd like to avoid for the discussion about it to not be too explicitly sexual, if possible. That makes me so uncomfortable, to talk about anything sexual with her. I don't think I'd really "repeat old patterns" of my abuse history if I'd end up being sexual with other women, or get a girlfriend, I mean that is a fear I have but it's rather mild and mostly nagging in the background. At the front though, is my feelings that it's "wrong" for me to be sexual with women because of that trauma stuff that involved females. Like I'm somehow "not allowed" to desire that because I once sexually abused another girl when I was a kid. I know it's fucked up that I think/feel like that, which is why I think I should talk to a therapist about it.
But I mean, it's not like I think lesbianism in itself is wrong, it's that I think me, specifically, liking and being in lesbian relations would be wrong cause of my specific past. That I shouldn't be allowed to gently love or consensually touch other women because I once touched a girl without her consent. Like I'm somehow asking to be given what I once stole. It feels morally wrong, pretty much. It doesn't really have anything, or much at all, to do with it being gay. It feels complicated and confusing, but I'm trying to sort out that mess of feelings in me and put them into words. It's mostly fear, guilt, like I'm not supposed to, like I'm not allowed, like I'm tainted, that I hated being a woman so much that it made me dislike women in general despite subconsciously still liking them and thus my transition hurt my sexuality as well, feeling like it's not a "real" thing due to some of what the crappy society says (I wish that didn't affect me but it just does) like about what it means to lose your virginity completely excludes lesbians but does include gay men, and so on.
But what exactly it is that I fear around it I'm not sure. Maybe it's just my own reactions that I fear. Well that I know I can handle. My defense mechanisms are starting to become obsolete at this point. Like they're not necessary or useful anymore. So I should probably focus more on those other feelings I listed after "fear" instead. I think there's a lot of depth going on in those things. That if I'd pursue being with women it would both feel like I'm somehow committing a crime (but it's actually legal) and like it's not even real, at the same time. It's kind of a contradiction, cause if it's not real it can't be a crime and if it's a crime it's most certainly real, just to follow the "logic" of my own feelings. But they don't logic and they bite their own tails. My feelings usually work in that sort of pattern though, so it's hardly a surprise for me that they (again) contradict each other. That's called being confused, in simple terms, I guess.
Random thought of the day: I wonder if snakes who accidentally start swallowing their own tails, which dooms them to death cause they can't vomit or spit out what they've started to eat, so they have to keep swallowing, actually are committing suicide on purpose.
I kinda knew I'd find a reason to keep my Qruiser account around and to use it, even now detransitioning. Like I'm not entirely cishet. But I'll keep calling myself "more or less straight" until I know for sure if I'm really bi or not. I suppose I am bisexual, but I want to be sure. And I need experiences to get sure. When I fantasise about having sex with other women, it does turn me on greatly, but it can't quite get me all the way to orgasm unless I include a guy in my fantasies as well. I'm not sure if that's my hangups preventing me from fully enjoying it, or my lack of experiences preventing me from fully imagining it realistically enough, or my attraction not being quite "there", or even my body with its total lack of tits upsetting and interrupting my fantasies.
I really want to have tits that I could squeeze against another girl's tits in a tight, naked hug. That just seems totally amazing. One day though, one day I'll be able to do that, and feel it.
I dreamed about tits last night. That I had gotten the prostethic's bra that I recently ordered but have not yet gotten in real life, and that it was huge but looked great on me and was super comfortable. Then in another dream or another part of the same dream I had new tits that I had gotten surgically and they were amazing. Like I could feel their weight, bounciness, squishiness and it just... fulfilled me. And filled me with such joy and comfort and like really a total "I'm home now" feeling in my body. That exact completeness I thought I'd reach by removing my original tits.
I didn't even know I was wrong about that, but this dream about how I'd feel getting new tits, definitely tells me that I was not actually happy about getting a mastectomy. I was upset about my flat chest for an entire year after the surgery, until I started to "learn" to be fine with it. Doesn't sound like I was all that pleased with it, does it? It shocked me back then, and the first time I saw my post-op chest at home in the shower, I very nearly passed out from the shock, but I couldn't figure out why I felt so upset about it. Well, until now. Now I understand.
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