Another day, another year begins. I don't have a lot to say about that, other than that I want to write here more often than I find myself being able to. Not because of any actual dysfunction or mental health problems, but because of a lack of motivation and important/interesting/engaging enough topics to write about.
Anyhow, I just got a letter of verification of sorts, from the hospital ward I'll be having my metoidioplasty done in Linköping, saying that they've received the referral sent to them from Visby. However there might be some confusion going on on their part, cause it also says they're gonna book an appointment for me there soon, implying a consultation, which is weird cause I've already had a consultation with my surgeon to be there and we agreed/decided upon him doing that surgery on me. It was all clear.
But what I think is probably going is the reception/ward staff being confused about me just having been referred there and they didn't take notice of that I've already been referred there before, and that this second referral was due to the hassle between Gotland's district/region and Östergötland's district/region not being connected to each other. I've really been struggling with how to properly explain that mess in English in an understandable and consise way. But kiiind of something like this:
1. I was on consultation with surgeon Hannes Sigurjohnsson (who did my chest) in Stockholm last spring. I had been referred to him from the trans team (Anova) that I'm registered at for managing my gender transition, since 2013. Hannes then referred me to surgeon Gunnar Kratz in Linköping.
2. I was next on consultation with Gunnar in September last year. Everything went fine and he put me on his waiting list for surgery. Said it would take about 5 months.
3. Some weeks later, I got a letter from the hospital i Visby saying they denied me having surgery in Linköping because the region of Gotland didn't have a contract with the region of Linköping and that I should have surgery in Stockholm where there was a contract/connection instead.
4. I sent my mother to please help me out and she did. I really did want for Gunnar to do my meta and not Hannes cause he gave me a muuuch better over all impression. My mother called the guy who had written that letter denying me my much needed surgery to try to sort things out, after she had done some research on the beroucracy of the situation.
5. A week or so later it had been solved but I'm not entirely sure how. If they gave me a personal type of contract thing for this specifically or something. Either way, I was again allowed to have my surgery in Linköping, but the hospital in Visby needed to send a new referral to the hospital in Linköping, which apparently they've done now, by beginning of January.
6. I get this letter saying I've been accepted and they want to book an appointment with me. I sent my mother (again) to call them and check what's up with yet another meeting halfway across the country and is that really necessary before surgery that's already been decided between everyone involved?
7. profit...? (let's wait and see, huh. I'm not gonna start cheering just yet).
So... it's been a bit of a roller coaster. And then I didn't even count in the hassle I had to deal with before even getting to the point of having that first consultation last spring. It's taken literally a year from when I first called Anova to tell them I was interested in pursuing lower surgery, and it's still not entirely clear on what's gonna happen and when yet.
Good thing I actually have a bit more patience lately. No I mean it, I'm not constantly up in the air about it, or climbing the walls. Most of the time I'm calm, but I still sometimes burst into anger and frustration outbreaks cause I'm very eaily tipped over the edge whenever something annoys me. But when it comes to this lower surgery hassle, I know it in my heart that nothing can stop me cause I want and need it bad enough, and that I'm willing to wait however long it needs to take, cause I'll make it there in the end, one way or another. And also, being impatient has never helped me before.
I focus on staying as stable and well as I can without pushing it too far in that direction. That includes but is not limited to:
- trying to keep somewhat of a circadian rhythm
- drink as much water I can muster for hydration
- try to eat at least semi-healthy food/something nutritious every day no matter how small and not just pastries with a focus on fibres and protein
- taking my medication as continuously as possible for me
- keeping my home from turning into a toxic waste zone
- avoid stressing myself half to death with "work", household chores, socialising or hobbies
- not having too high demands on myself regardless of performance
- try not to get too drunk too often (I'm at a few drinks a month now)
- working on keeping my personal hygiene decent
- and keep seeing my therapist regularly.
And since I'm in some kind of celibacy now, safe sex isn't an issue as of now cause of simply not having sex (and there's no safer way than abstaining), but if I will later on I'll play it safe. Hopefully. I suck at that, I admit.
But in general, I'd say I'm doing pretty good and have been for the past year or so, except from a few occasions far apart, but nothing severe. It's as though I'm subconsciously self destructive even when actively I am not. That I just kind of end up in unhealthy habits without having made a conscious decision to do so. It's just out of habit or not thinking it through. But I'm drawn to self destruction like a moth is to flame, even when I feel more content than ever and don't actually wish to die or get harmed. Me and moths, we understand each other, apparently.
But I think what it's mostly about for me, is that there really isn't any fun in something unless there's at least a moderate degree of risk involved. That I just need that intensity to match whichever way my soul vibrates. Harmless and good things often clash with my wave lengths, just like purely dangerous and bad things clash as well. It needs to be a mix of both, or I'm either too bored to bother or it's too crazy to crave it. I think I'm searching for a sustainable high. A wave I can ride on infinitely and never get bored with or too overwhelmed by, as my idea of paradise on Earth is something like that. And even if there is no such thing, it still feels worthwhile to search for it, cause maybe then I can at least find the next best thing?
However, bottom surgery, or anything about my medical transition has never been about trying to achieve an impossible goal. Except maybe I had a tad too high expectations of testosterone, but I've more or less accepted that reality now. I'll tweak on it in other ways. But, still, cause with any surgeries I never have had high expectations. Some might say they're even too low, but I'm pretty sure they're just high enough to very likely prevent disappointment as long as it doesn't turn out disastrous, as well as avoiding acceptance of a possibly terrible outcome. And to me, that is the happy medium I should be at, expectation/demand -wise.
I don't need the best surgeon in the entire world with the most awesome and innovative technique, I just need someone who knows how to perform the general technique, and has experience enough to give a decent to pretty good result. Average, pretty much. I wouldn't care about a few flaws as long as they're not very disfiguring, long term painful, or hindering any important bodily function also long term. Because short term a lot can happen and that's common, and doesn't matter what might happen as long as it doesn't become an upsetting/dangerous long term issue. As long as it heals/sorts out eventually. But sure, I am still more picky about the outcome of my future dick than I ever was about my chest. Because I never used the exterior of my chest for anything other than carrying clothes on it prior to surgery and that hasn't changed much after either. Except now I like it instead of hating it. And I obviously use my crotch for more than just attaching clothes to it. That feels redundant to explain further.
So, my point is that for my chest surgery, my only goal was for aesthetics (treating dysphoria), but not function (bodily); but with my genital surgery the goal is for both treating dysphoria and retaining the bodily functions of that area. And the latter is more difficult, surgical skills wise.
Also, since I've been talking more with my mother about my choice and decision of lower surgery, and she was with me in the surgeon's office during my consultation in September when he explained both meta and phallo, and she also heard me clearly state that I wanted meta; she's told me several times that she thinks I made a good decision and that she thinks meta seems a lot better in many ways than phallo. This eases my mind, that she's got my back and supports my choice. And also that I've told her that there's a lower risk of getting complications with meta as well as it in general being easier on the body compared to phallo, is obviously things she likes to hear as well. So now I know a bit more what she's thinking about me having this surgery too.
But honestly, and I don't intend for this to sound shitty but it might anyway, I don't quite get why so many others seem to be so incredibly perfectionistic about procedures and choice of surgeon that they go out of their way and sometimes even out of their country and budget to get the best they possibly can. It seems overly stressful and unrealistic to me, although I can understand that settling for "decent" when it comes to such a sensitive area might not be everyone's cup of tea, but "perfect" is still a far (and arguably unobtainable) stretch from "decent" when you have both "good" and "really good" in between.
Or am I in the wrong, to settle comfortably for less than they do? I don't truly think so as we all have different limitations, but sometimes that thought passes through my mind. Because I also know that if I had the option to travel abroad and spend hundred thousands of kronor on the surgery alone, I probably would have, but I don't have that option and I'm fine with it, but I still get that vague thought passing me by sometimes. Perhaps just as a reminder of my limitations, and that no matter how good, there's always gonna be something even better somewhere else over yonder that is unobtainable for whatever reason. And I think thoughts like that are not there to make me aim higher, but to help me understand why I do not need to aim higher.
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