I'm drinking
liters of coffee every day (5-10 cups in 24 hours) and slicing my
arms until they are nothing but scar tissue, and somehow that is
better than drinking the same quantities of booze a day
without cutting. Though it's a little sad I had to choose between
those two. Major back steps this summer. From cutting to drinking to
caffeine and back to cutting. It just goes round and round! So
altogether I ended up fucking up my already chaotic life even more.
To think that I even for a second thought that it was a good idea to
give up cutting by any means possible. Was I daft?
Breathe,
damnit! I find myself gasping out of breath over his little
notes. What am I gonna do with my hands? They're suddenly everywhere.
Light a cigarette, that always works. Mutilate my lips a bit. I'm
smiling and giggling again. Just wrote a poem about him, or my love
to him, but it's too revealing so I can't post it. Listening to
Funker Vogt, can't believe I've totally missed that band! It's
getting more and more obvious that industrial music lies closest
to my heart. I always keep finding, or rather get tips about,
more amazing EBM artists. It's by far the genre I listen to the most,
but I’m not sure which would be my favourite industrial band. It's
leaning towards either FGFC820, Leaether Strip, VNV Nation, Nine Inch
Nails (or do they count? Aren't they more of an mixture between
alternative rock and industrial?) or Apoptygma Berzerk.
By the way, I
really love tumblr! I've been a member there
for a year but didn't start actually using that site until recently.
People keep saying I'm attractive there! I'm not used to that, and it
puts lasting smiles on my face. I'm in a complicated state these
days. Starving insomniac, half the time I'm crying and screaming
inside, cutting myself and writing depressive shit. And half the time
I’m smiling and laughing, dressing up nice just to go to Ica, I
feel handsome and energised. I live on coffee and cigarettes,
basically only exist online, more self destructive than ever,
lovesick and lack inspiration for basically anything except following
my love allover the internet. Why do I feel so happy? Don't get me
wrong, it's very appreciable. I’m just high on adrenaline,
endorphins, caffeine and nicotine: creating an interesting chemical
imbalance in my body. And what the lack of sleep and food does to me
I’m not entirely sure, but it's probably also playing an important
part.
I haven't been
this single-minded and absorbed by just one thing, one person for a
long time, I had almost forgotten what it's like. To be so high on
love you can't even see the ground beneath you. Cause up here all
I see is him and everything else becomes hazy. How everything he
does, says and thinks become the most important things in the world.
It's like I can live on these feelings alone, that I don't need that
other stuff to stay alive. It's a stupid thought, I know, but it just
seems like it. Maybe that is why you lose your appetite and
sleepiness when you're lovesick, cause the feeling alone is so
powerful you think you need nothing else. To think, that a love
so strong can actually kill you. Now that is powerful! There's no
doubt that being lovesick can lead to suicide. Been there, done that,
and I’m living proof that love can actually kill you. Oh, that's
some paradox...
Today this
lovesickness feels good, real good! I don't feel like it's hopeless,
not entirely. I’ll wait for him, I can be patient, don't need to
rush things. Maybe I can make him fall for me? It's not
impossible, just need to tone down my creepiness a notch. Heck, I’m
not that creepy. I’m being friendly, appreciative, caring
and interested, but I keep my appropriate distance. I might post
lists with random questions where I’m asked to describe the person
I love, and add a few things that could be... but then you'd really
have to have a creative imagination to figure out who it is I
describe. And I don't think he is interested enough to carefully read
between the lines in all of my Dayviews and tumblr posts.
There really
isn't much else on my mind. For every message I get I think it's him,
I don't even turn off my computer anymore so that when I wake up
he'll be right there in front of me, I bring his picture with me in
my phone everywhere, it doesn't even pass five minutes without
me thinking about him. It's like I’m possessed. So expect more blog
posts about him here. It cannot be avoided!
