The risks with thinking with my ass

May 11th.

Oh my god, I just got fucked. How did that happen? The sensation still lingers inside me. I chatted with him first for a few days, and then he came over to my place for sex. I didn't know what he looked like before seeing him in real life, but he's quite handsome. He seemed very kind and quite nervous. I touched him gently and gave him a moment to breathe after we had undressed. We masturbated for a moment before I went down on him. Biggest dick I've been with so far, barely fit in my mouth. Well, length wise it didn't. I tried to deepthroat him a bit but my mouth just wasn't having it for some reason.

Then he licked me for a bit before he fucked me in my pussy. I could feel him against my g-spot and that felt really good. Then he asked me if he could fuck my ass too and I said yes please. He got in there without lube (although I guess he had my natural vag lube still on his dick) and that felt really good too. Seems my ass needs little to no preparation for penetration now, just going right at it works fine and feels great. Like oh my god, that felt so good... He fucked me hard until he came in my ass and I just totally loved it! I just wish I could have come too, but meh, it's alright. Cause that was still a damn good fuck, and I got both holes satisfied. Kind and sweet men that fuck hard is probably my favourite kind of guys. He's somewhere in middle age years, btw. I don't want to be too specific about describing him, just in case.

So... anal virginity traded in, I guess. I kinda knew that would happen randomly and without me being entirely prepared for it. Like that it wouldn't be planned for or that I wouldn't know for sure if it would happen or not. Kind of unexpected. I didn't want to make it something special or whatever, to lose that anal virginity. It barely even counts as "virginity" when I had previously had sex with 16 different guys before him, but just in other ways. It's an experience, it's kinda new, but hardly comparable to having sex for the first time ever. But yes, dick feels way better than dildo in there. Why? I don't know, I just like the feel of skin and someone else's pleasure inside me, regardless of which body orifice. That kind of connection makes it feel better for me, both physically and mentally.

Okay, apparently he did tear me up a little. Now I notice?! It's been like an hour. Just felt like some stuff needed to be cleared of the rear so went to the bathroom to do so and when I wiped it hurt like fucking hell at the opening and there was some blood on the paper tissue. Hardly any large amounts of it though, but like a coin sized amount or so. So, okay going without lube was not the best of ideas. Got it! But maybe I should get an hiv test just to be sure... or should I wait? Don't know if I could still get my hysto done if it says in my medical file that I'm hiv-positive. I don't think there's a hurry to get tested, like that condition takes a long ass time to even show up on tests, let alone do anything damaging in the body. Like I can probably quite easily wait a few months.

May 12th.

I googled when would be best time to get such a test and it said 6 to 8 weeks after possible exposure. So that's around the 22nd June at earliest. It said one can get tested earlier but then have to get re-tested later on in that case, which seems a bit unnecessary. So, I'd rather wait those weeks then. By then I should also have heard from Linköping about that date for SRS that I still intend to cancel. But then I can get on with checking when and where I could have just the hysto done. I googled a bit on the issue of surgery on hiv-positive patients, just in case I'd actually test positive for that shit, before having the hysto.

And it seems it shouldn't be a problem from what I can tell, like they wouldn't deny me surgery if I'd get that kind of diagnosis. I found an American article about transgender people and hiv in general that said that, and a random ask on a Swedish site about another type of surgery (cis man asking about surgery for gynecomastia while hiv-positive) which stated the same. I found no Sweden specific information about hysterectomy specifically though, but I can't imagine it would be different. So... I think I don't need to worry about that, and that I should be able to get myself tested before the hysto without risking not being able to get the hysto at all, that I should still be able to get that surgery even if I'd test positive. I just don't want to have that nagging at me and hanging over me for months on end. Might get tested for other std's while I'm at it as well, but then I'd have to go to a gyno in Visby instead of a general doctor at the district health care centre here in Hemse. So, we'll see about that.

My thoughts are spinning a little and I got a sudden increase in headache thinking I might have gotten that crap and about my own damn stupidity to be so careless, but I'm not very worried or upset about it or anything. Just disappointed in myself and slightly/moderately worried. Most likely he doesn't have hiv but of course I don't exactly sit here and trust a perfect stranger to be clean just because he said so. I may be stupid enough to skip condoms when I'm horny and having sex, but I'm not literally retarded enough to trust the complete strangers I'm having unprotected sex with. I'm always aware of the risk, it's just that I don't seem to care about that risk while I'm at it. That comes in hindsight.

Why I can't seem to care, I haven't quite figured out yet. But I think it might be because I've been suicidal in the past and although I'm not anymore, I still don't quite care about life or where it throws me or what it throws at me. Like I'm indifferent about it, with an annoyingly casual "so what?" attitude to the risks I'm exposing myself to with nothing but a shrug. I don't know if I'd get panicky if I'll test positive for it though, but I'm pretty sure it would at least make my thoughts spin a lot faster and more chaotically. And I'd hate to tell my mother about such news. I'll likely get myself tested without her knowledge, and only tell her if I do test positive. A negative result she doesn't need to know about.

If I'll test positive though, that certainly would not be according to my plans. Not this soon. Like starting sex work would be even trickier, like should I keep it secret but always insist on condoms and say I have some other (less stigmatised but also incurable) std if they'd refuse? Or be a complete shit about it and keep going as usual but just try to make sure I'd be well enough medicated for it to not be transmittable? My morals are iffy, but they're not completely shitty. Like I'd want to try to prevent spreading it around, but I'd also not want to risk being unable to do the only god damn job I want to have. I hope that's at least somewhat understandable, why I'd choose somewhat of a middle road between saint and shithead on that issue. Because it is so very stigmatised, being completely open and honest about it wouldn't be an option. Just no way. Even if I'd break the law by keeping it secret, I'd take that risk too.

But I don't think I should worry myself too much about it just yet though. As I said I don't think it's likely I got it, but it's possible I did and I really just want to make sure that I can know if I got it or not. But ugh yeah, I do feel like a complete fucking idiot to have been that careless. I didn't think I'd actually stoop down to that level of idiocy to have receptive anal sex without a condom with a complete fucking stranger... I thought I had more common sense in my head than that, but apparently not. Well, good to know my own lack of mental capacity, I guess. For future reference, or something.

This is a freaking perfect example of what I mean by that I can't even trust myself. I really didn't think I'd so carelessly put myself in that kind of risk. I thought I could trust myself on that, at least. But no, apparently I can't. I'll keep you posted on how this goes when those 6-8 weeks have been then, probably. So, end of June or beginning of July. But don't expect any super public announcements. And if I do test positive, I most certainly won't flaunt it publicly. Most likely I'd only mention it on this blog, like a bit hidden in an entry about something else or so, and no tags about it. It most certainly would not go on my facebook, tumblr or any other social media I use.

I'd tell those I might have sex with recurrently, like my lover. He if anyone would deserve to know, him most of all people. Close friends I'd likely tell in private, more casual friends and acquaintances I'm not so sure I'd tell at all if it's not their business to know. Depends on if I think I can trust them with such information or not. But that day that sorrow. This entry really just says I might have been infected with hiv cause I've been a complete fucking idiot, but I have no way of actually knowing yet at this point and everything else beyond "might have" is just my thoughts spinning into various "what if" scenarios. At soonest, I'll know in a couple of months. Way to go, huh? Idiot!