My will to bleed for more strength

My past is screwing with my future. And I feel stuck between my past and my future. I know sometimes I have to brutally shove myself forward to get anywhere at all and stop spinning in circles. Even if that shove hurts like hell, if I know it's the right and only good thing and that it has to be done, I will. Cause 99% of my strength is in my willpower, and that willpower can be very, very strong. It tends to surprise other people just how strong it actually is. And practically unstoppable. That when I'm certain I want to do something, not even a train racing in super speed towards me can stop me. Not even the end of the world can. At least figuratively. Then I beat all odds with a confidence that is out of this world.

And sometimes that overwhelms me. Like I get dizzy cause I can't keep up with myself or understand how it's even possible. It's a dizzying feeling when you've outdone yourself in extreme ways that seem impossible. I don't understand my mental capacity, cause I know most of my potential is hidden from me most of the time, and only when I want something really, really badly, that wall within me breaks down and I fall out of myself and into an entirely new universe of possibilities. Temporarily. It's like... how?

But being rather used to that I have the ability that I do, I can accept that it's somehow real, just not constantly available to me. Most of the time there are walls around me that prevents me from reaching any further, but there are hidden openings on those walls that sometimes let me tap into secret pathways. Like the Diagon Alley in Harry Potter. That brick wall, you know? That you tap in a certain way and it opens up a shopping mall for wizards and witches. I've got something like that in my mind, in terms of my willpower. Just that it only works when I really need it.

Just imagine what I could do with my life if I somehow someday managed to tap into that at all times? I'd be close to invincible. Makes me think of a movie I once watched, about a specific kind of drug in pill form that if you took them you gained full access to everything that's stored in your brain, like all the knowledge and memories you have. So you'd remember everything written in any random book you read 5, 10 or 20 years ago, for example.

I don't think that could be reality and it's not what I meant either, but something somewhat similar to that, in an abstract way. Like not being hindered by my own flaws, pretty much. Like my fears, self-doubt or my sense of logic, for that matter. I mean, sometimes I tend to doubt things could work because I think logically it can't be possible. But when I can say screw that shit and just do it anyway, then I reach much further. Sometimes being a little crazy gets you further in life. And taking risks that you're not sure you can handle, as long as you think they're worth it. And sometimes even doing things you think that you might regret - if you can think that you'd regret it more to not do them.

I often think about life like that: that I'd rather regret having done a lot of stupid shit - than regret not having done them. That I'd rather look back at my life having done a lot of crazy things that I wouldn't recommend anyone else to do, than look back at my life knowing I lived sheltered and safe and secure but ultimately a boring and uneventful life. I'd rather have lived too much than too little. And I feel jaded about not living my life to the fullest. And to me, the fullest, means to fill my life with anything I can learn and grow from, if not also enjoy and laugh at. Good and bad experiences I seem to want, as long as they're not gonna hinder me from attaining more other kinds of experiences afterwards.

Like for example getting raped and suffering various kinds of abuse, getting evicted or being broke are "bad" experiences I'm fine with attaining cause they're not likely to cause a permanent hindrance. But getting all limbs amputated, becoming completely blind or end up getting paralysed from neck down would have a much more permanent effect on me that would cause me to not be physically capable of fulfilling my goals and dreams in life, so I'd either take such experiences last thing I do or not at all. I don't think mental/psychological harm can (for me) ever be a permanent thing unless we're talking about a literal lobotomy, but like psychological trauma such as being abused, could ever be too detrimental for me. But I hope I'm not wrong on that point cause I know I could be.

Perhaps I'm overestimating my ability to shake off and heal from mental harm. Perhaps one day I've caused myself too much of that and it either turns me into a psychotic serial killer or a drooling zombie in a straight jacket. Both would probably be equally bad, and equally likely to happen. I'm still struggling to figure out if it's really so bad that I keep wanting more mentally difficult experiences for the sake of growing as a person and becoming stronger and tougher. If that can actually be considered a form of self harm. Cause to me, I'm just thickening my skin by slowly turning it into sturdy scar tissue while still tending to its beauty. I want for my mind to be so strong it cannot be shattered. For my feelings to be so tough they cannot be hurt. And I'm not even 30 years old but already very close to that goal. So I don't think it's impossible.

But the process of hardening myself to stone is both painful and heartbreaking. And also not so damn easy to push myself through. It may sound like madness to want negative, painful and heartbreaking experiences in your life enough to actually actively seek them out. And I know I've been fighting relentlessly against my own choices when I think I've made a grave mistake and regret my own stupidity with all I've got, cause I can't wrap my head around having made some of those choices. No one in their right mind would! But oh, I grew up in the wrong mind.

At least I know, on days like this one, that every choice I've made in my life so far, I had my reasons for and ultimately something good came out of them. Even moving to this god damn island, cause it made me being able to medically transition cause of changing gender therapist team. Even though I kept kicking myself over a lot of those kind of choices for years after years after years, I kept kicking myself bloody for the choices I made, and sometimes I still do. But I do know at heart that it was meant to be, that I had reasons for every choice I've ever made. Reasons I stand up for and still believe in today. Even when the outcome ravaged me. At least those choices. And that is why I cannot actually regret them. Just that in the moments I feel emotionally overwhelmed by how fucked up my mind must be, I have a hard time accepting myself for who I am and what I've done.

I'm not like most people, at least on that point. That I intentionally make awful choices for the sake of teaching myself very important lessons that I cannot otherwise learn. I know I told my rapist that I wanted to go home with him even though in that moment I was 100% aware of the risk he could rape me, but clearheaded I said yes to going to his place, because I knew what I was doing. And I know the reason I'm still kicking myself over it is because I have still not yet fully learned the very lesson I intended for it to teach me, and because I struggle to accept that I willingly chose to go through something I so definitely did not want to experience.

It's a weird conflict in my head, that I wanted to be raped, as I keep swinging back and forth between thinking it was all on him who did wrong and then blaming myself for what happened. But I'm not looking at the bigger picture or from the right angle: I chose to go through something that I feared so that I could learn to get over that fear. It has nothing to do with who to blame. Where to put the blame is irrelevant, but I keep forgetting that. Cause of wanting something I did not want. It's a paradox in its own right. I might have to do it again someday, if at all possible (you don't run into that kind of opportunity every day) to hammer it in properly. Cause sometimes you have to take an extra course to learn the lesson. And the lesson... it's a lot more intense and very different when you choose it, compared to just having it thrown at you. How's that for mental torment?

I may not understand why I think it's a good idea to collect tragic experiences just as much as I try to collect beautiful ones, but I think it's soul-deep and not meant for human minds (including my own) to fully grasp. I know I can connect to my soul in ways that might be unusual, but I cannot possibly understand it completely. It's like an entity of its own, yet it is me. It's like the beginning of every thought, the hunch of every feeling, the intent of every action. And it's also the result of everything, every experience I ever collect. It is the entirety, from start to end and all the way through, that cannot be put properly into words. At best I can describe my soul as my consciousness and my subconsciousness, me and Anna. It's my library of everything that makes me, well me. As far as I can understand it at least. And I love it very dearly.

I've been, more and more, starting to see this life on Earth as a journey, as a kind of preparation for existence beyond and after my death. It's intriguing, yet terrifying. It also makes me suddenly understand why I keep saying that "I took the crash course" cause I only have one chance. Or, one more chance, I should say. Not exactly forgetting my past lives. But the thing is that I can't get more than one life to excel and reach my potential, because I have to start over for every god damn life. Not just losing memories, but also losing abilities cause you're not exactly born an adult. And I cannot count on keeping my memories for yet another life too.

I have trust issues, remember? And I especially do not trust whatever kind of entities are involved in the process of reincarnation of souls. They're sketchy as fuck, and that system is very corrupt. Especially if it's actually angels that handle that business! Holy shit, angels are very far from trustworthy beings. This demon knows. They showed me their ugly side. And it's even uglier than my ugly side.

So I'm trying to learn everything I possibly can in this life, and I realise now that it was entirely my own choice. I've always suspected that it was my choice, but now I know it was and I know why. Cause I need to escape the cycle of reincarnation and break free, release my fettered soul. Cause it's crying to be released. Its cries are like nails against a chalkboard. And I know I can only do that if I'm full of knowledge, about myself mostly. I need to know my limits so that I can break them. And I need to know how to break them without breaking myself in the process. Basically, I need to reach my full potential before I die so that I will know what to do and how to do it to break my soul free from the cycle of reincarnation at the moment of my death, cause that is my purpose here.

I used to only know that my purpose was to learn as much as possible in life, but I didn't know why or what kind of knowledge I was even supposed to aim for. But I've lately I've figured it out. It was my own choice to go through this life as if I was on speed trying to catch 'em all, because I knew that would be the best and most effective way to reach my goal and that I could do it. That goal is and was entirely mine, and was not decided for me. So maybe I should stop worrying about the size of my pecker after surgery and whether I'll miss my vag or not cause I've got more important shit to worry about?! Ugh, not but seriously, that does sound rather petty in comparison somehow.

Fucking hell that stresses me out. Not like it's a simple goal, and it's touching upon being impossible... but what was I saying about my willpower again? I'll remind you: that it's incredibly strong and unstoppable, and seems impossible... yet it is somehow possible. Hope, let's live on that. And don't ever give up.

Well, where would I start then? I already have. Long ago. I started when I fought back against my bullies in elementary school. I started when I decided that being "mainstream" was a waste of time and effort at the same age. I started when I decided to live life on my own terms, regardless of what it meant each time I made that decision. I don't start, I take the next step. I don't need a change of plans, but rather stick to them. Get surgery. Start selling sex. Do whatever I can think of to improve and enjoy myself while still stuck here. Earn money. Enough to buy and keep a place in Stockholm. There, and only there, my next chapter starts. Then we ramp it up a notch more from there on. My journey will be both spiritual and physical, both intellectual and emotional, both social and solitary, and everything between and beyond. I cannot do one without the other, cause they're all connected and dependent on each other. But I know I can do it... somehow. Or at least I need to try. I found my purpose in life. Now I just need to fulfill it.