Let's get real again

Why have I always been so excited, fascinated, enticed and nearly obsessed with the idea of prostitution? Cause it has to be said at some point. I've been glorifying it like fuck, ever since my teens. When the sad, drunk, cigarette-smoking, drugged, cheap hooker chick in unkempt, revealing clothing and running makeup was the image I undeniably completely idolised. And tried my hardest, in the most subtle ways I could think of, to obtain. But I don't glorify as some kind of blurry fever dream anymore. Now I just want it cause it's fucking money that I could obtain so easily, with my kind of "expertise" of already having the mentality of someone who's forgotten that sex is somehow supposed to be intimate. Or rather, someone who never knew sex ever could be that way. And I still think that is in some way or another very closely related to my experiences of sexual abuse and going through the aftermaths of those traumas that just kept piling on until I got numb of it.

The saying kind of goes, I mean if there is such a saying it's certainly hushed, that there are one of two ways people typically react to having been through such trauma. But maybe it has to be extreme, or repeated too many times, or a bit less of each if you were once a sensitive soul like I once was. That either you become frigid, sex repulsed, basically asexual and struggle to hold a healthy relationship - or you become hypersexual, addicted to it, loose all inhibitions and you struggle to hold a healthy relationship. But the former is much more commonly spoken of, so to the point where the latter is almost considered a myth at this point. But it's not. It's very much true. Cause I'm living that stereotype.

Someone reblogged a gif from one of my favourite movies "Jolene" on tumblr, that I saw on my newsfeed, and it awoken these thoughts in me again. Cause that's why I love that movie and that's why I relate so hard to the main character. Cause she's that stereotype, just like I am. Although she a bit more extreme than I am. And I'm embodying several more stereotypes than just that one. I haven't yet fucked several hundred guys like her but I have certainly fucked hopelessly and just as self destructively, I haven't been married 3 times but I have been in 3 miserable relationships in roughly the same amount of time, I haven't yet sold sex technically although I almost did once but I have traded it for booze and clothes and possibly also drugs and I've long wanted to trade it for money too, I'm not sure if I could be classified as a sex addict or not but I've sure as hell fucked the wrong people for the wrong reasons repeatedly but months or even years apart instead of just hours and I'm definitely addicted to masturbation.

But the mindset is pretty much the same even though not every story is. That hollow craving that you're not quite sure you understand what it means but seems similar enough to what people commonly call lust. That "whatever" sentiment to yet another guy taking advantage of you cause you're so damn used to it and you know it will happen again but somewhere along the way you forgot to care. That you just can't quite distinguish between what's supposed to be private or public, love or lust, passionate or abusive, just one more time or maybe you had enough long ago, being seduced or coerced, regretting a bad shag or haven been taken advantage of. Everything blurs together until you can no longer tell and you no longer care. What difference does it make? Sex is just sex, it's just physical, it doesn't matter if it goes wrong sometimes. But your "wrong" is most people's "rape" and your "right" is most people's "vague fever dreams I hope I just woke up from". But please take that last one with a huge grain of salt, cause I don't fucking know what my "right" is. I'm not even sure it exists.

It becomes skewed, cause it was never right to begin with. When your first ever sexual experience was that of abuse as a way too young child to be exposed to such things, cause you were too young and uninformed to know what sex even meant back then cause no one had told you and you couldn't grasp the concept of it, then it seems it has a high likelihood of messing with your perception of what sex is "supposed" to be like as a fully developed adult. You missed a very important lesson that you're now too old to learn. You learned too much too soon that prevented you to learn what you were supposed to. It planted a seed of fear and disgust within you, and you've been trying to fuck it away cause that's how you got it in you.

I'd seriously be offended if you told me I'm not fucked up. Cause I think that would be a very misguided thing to say to someone so self conscious yet self loving.

What is sex to me? Well, some kind of weird power-play in which I try to balance pleasure and torment for it to be kinda 50-50, cause for some reason I tend to crave both. It seems to be very hinged on that power-play aspect though, that either I'm the one with the power or my partner is. If I can't figure out who is in power I get confused and try to logic my way to who could it possibly be. Cause it has to be one of us, right? I know that's my brain missing a screw that it keeps searching for but cannot find, cause on some level I'm pretty sure sex is mostly just about sex drive and wanting to satisfy it, or possibly about wanting to show love too. Depending on what you may or may not feel for the person you're fucking.

But even then I'm not sure cause somehow that doesn't sit quite right with me either. Something feels off about that description, but I don't know what about it. To be completely fucking honest: I have no sodding idea what other people think sex is for or why they have it, but for me it's a tool, a means to an end, and endless chase for pleasure and orgasms like food is an endless chase for fullness but at least I like sex, and it's definitely a weapon too. How do I weaponise sex? Well, that's simple. I just give in, especially to the scary, sleezy guys who won't take no for an answer, until I'm at a point where I don't know if I want it or not, cause the more dangerous it feels, the more it turns me on. Very few times I've actually done something like that and I don't know what to feel about those experiences. I'm a mess, okay, but here's a little bit about that rape I'm not sure if I've said already or not. I mean I might have but it's making me a bit coldsweaty so also maybe not:

When we were kissing each other on his bed and he kept touching me which I kept objecting to by pushing his hands away and saying no. I somehow still kept responding to his kisses, although less and less and reluctantly, but I was still a virgin and a pretty sexually frustrated one. It turned me on. And as I felt the blood in my pussy pounding from the excitement one of those little annoying intrusive thoughts popped into my head (you know the ones you really, probably shouldn't give into? Yeah, one of those). It said: "if he touches me down there I'll do it, I'll let him fuck me". I'm not saying I suddenly wanted the entire experience, but I'm saying that temporarily, in some sort of way, I kind of did...

But god damned is my rape story a conflicted fucking mess I just cannot figure out. Was I even raped? Or did I actually want it but was just extreeeeeemely nervous? And really didn't expect for it to be quite that painful? Oh fuck, I'm still calling myself a pathetic crybaby for not enjoying having been raped more. I mean, come on! Try living in my head for a while. Or wait maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. It's a quicksand in there.

...Or maybe I was just too scared to be able to think clearly at all and kept switching between trying to get him off me and giving in to let him have me just to get it over with to then start fighting again... like switching between fighting and giving up and then fighting again...

That really isn't an easy kind of situation to get through, when neither talking nor fighting works. Eventually I had to give in, I know it, and I know I keep blaming myself for it, and deflecting it like fuck. Eventually I had to just lie still and let him have at it no matter what it could lead to. It was terrifying the moment I made that decision, but I know I had no other choice. And I knew it in that moment too. To do something like that, to just let the man who is trying to rape you, have you however he pleases, it's nothing short of terrifying. Of bloody course it fucked me up for life. It felt like lying down on a railroad when I for once wanted to live.

You have no idea how much its been tearing me apart, year after year after year. That's not a good first time. It's just not. It's the worst possible kind of first time. But what's worse is that I still fucking blame myself for it. I still do. Because I gave in, and because I agreed to follow him home, for fantasising about him a decade later, and for being conflicted. And most of the time I don't even notice that I keep blaming myself. It's the powerlessness that's the worst. That knowing that you can't do anything but give him exactly what he wants. It must have put me on a constant loop, like a broken record - to always give them what they want. Does it make sense to you now? Cause I think it does for me. I can't say no. Unless I'm in love, then I can't say yes. That's where I'm broken. That's why I can't connect sex and love properly, or figure out where to put myself.

...Cause he did touch my pussy, just seconds after I got that thought, and I know he felt that it was soaking wet. I probably moaned too. Even though I was still scared as hell, I liked that feeling and kissed him more responsively again. For a moment. Then you know the rest.

Let's get back to the present.

I probably relate to sex in a very similar way to how I relate to food, or sweets rather, but I don't act on it in the same way, cause I like sex more than I like sweets and it's more intense too, and cause sex is a bit more difficult to attain. But they can both be used and abused in exciting ways, can't they? And just like I can't or at least not necessarily relate eating cake to love or romance, I view sex the same. It's just an activity like any other but of course it can be used in a romantic or loving way too. Just like sharing a delicious chocolate cake with your one and only can be special, why should I then only eat chocolate cake with people I'm in love with or only for romantic reasons? Cause just like that, casual sex with strangers is more like going to a café and sit down by a friendly stranger. The cake is still just as likely to be good or bad, but it's the setting, the goal and the people involved that is different.

I think that's the best analogy I can make for it. Also it's a bit funny considering how popular it is to compare sex to chocolate and bicker about which is the best, but that's not the argument I'm making. I'm saying I enjoy both things in very much the same way. Also cause sometimes I eat way too much chocolate and suffer the consequences, or try to abstain from it until it ultimately leads to me craving it like crazy and stuff myself full of it again. Cause whenever I've tried to abstain myself from dick I always find myself craving it like crazy until I find myself choking on dick again. Cause I love that feeling. Somehow. I never managed to understand really why I simply enjoy the everloving fuck out of just feeling another man's dick in my mouth, how it seems to almost magically tickle me all the way down to my crotch as if there's some kind of secret connections there, but I guess that's why they call me a slut! However I still wonder if eating pussy would have the same effect... Cause at least in my fantasies feeling a wet clit and those beautiful folds on my lips and tongue is nothing short of amazing. I mean, it's not beautiful on me, but on others it truly is... man, I really need to find out some day.

Proud owner of that title though, slut, I mean, whether I'm being called it in an endearing or derogatory way. It's still the same word, and it still has the same meaning. And I both like it when I impress and disgust people with my sexual endeavors. That's the kind of freak I love being, uncontrollably. And hush, I'm allowed to call myself a freak, I damn well reclaimed it from my bullies when I was 6 or 7 years old, and it was the first slur/derogatory term I ever reclaimed for myself. It's a very important word for my own personal liberation. Cause now anyone can call me anything and I won't bloody mind. And that's power you just cannot argue with.

But yeah, back on the topic since we almost came full circle there before spiralling off again. I know I really do fuck indiscriminately... hey, why have I seriously never thought of that phrase before? It almost sounds elegant in its hideous state of decay. Like a skeleton propped up with flowers and gold. I fuck indiscriminately. And oh god damn look what I found, a piece of real life example of exactly how sjw's want for people to fuck: like I do. With everyone who says "do you want me?" I whisper "yes" without hesitation as I find myself horny for whatever reason or just looking into your eyes as you lick your lips or I imagine that your pictureless text does, or maybe I'm just lonely cause I can work up some horniness on demand with nothing more than a finger. Yours or mine, you get to decide, whoever you are. And I hope you don't stop with just a finger, I want more, I want all of you. Fuck me like you mean it and I'll try to do the same. Until I don't want you anymore, then you can go home again, and maybe I'll see you again or maybe I won't. And hey who are you, wanna cum inside? I ask the next stranger, whoever he is. This is how you fuck like a TRUE RADICAL LIBERAL INTERSECTIONAL FEMINIST. Now get right onto it if you don't wanna be a bigot! You can't deny people sex for being aesthetically impaired, overweight, disabled in any capacity, for any age over 18, for any race, biological sex or which set of genitals they have, or even if you happen to be related, just enjoy it! Everyone has the right to have sex... with you! So get busy!

Sorry I really just couldn't help myself there, but I do have a good point. The point is you're obviously not a bigot for being discriminatory sexually. It's healthy. It's normal. You're supposed to do that. That's literally just your biology trying to tell you to spread healthy genes and keep natural selection moving in the right direction. Don't bloody do what I do, I don't really recommend it. Not unless you're damn sure but I still doubt most people could handle it. It takes more than just a damaged psyche to go lalala into that kind of sport and still be walking up straight after every game. But what exactly more it takes, I'm not sure. Perhaps start with a lack of empathy. A heart permanently scarred from having been broken too many times to feel properly anymore. A high pain tolerance, of both the physical and mental kind, cause you're gonna need a lot of that. An ability to move on from anything and the belief that you will. And you cannot possibly think anyone else is in any way beneath you or not worthy of tasting your flesh, or you could think that they all are and it somehow doesn't matter, as long as you're fine with any random person you see on the street or wherever (I often play a game with myself in which I people watch in any social place like a grocery store or park or wherever, then pick any random stranger that I can get an as much full view of as possible, and just fantasise I'm having sex with them). You're now a buffé that is for everyone to enjoy, not a private dinner for two. Then you might manage it, but I cannot give any guarantees. Cause I surely don't always manage it either, but it's what I do.

And if you think this is me actually giving you a manual on how to become so sexually hollowed out you might as well be a sex robot, that's not what I meant. I only displayed the meny like that. But I don't bake anything written in it. If you want it, make it yourself. But it might be poisonous. However I think this is very linked to why I want to become a prostitute. That it is pretty much going from one stranger to another, from one sexual thrill and danger to another. Just that I'd get paid for it instead. I think, when it comes right down to the bottom of it, it really is just that simple: fuck like I already do, indiscriminately, but do it for money. Cause don't we all want some of that? And if you could get it so easily with no quarrels or privacy issues, wouldn't you too? I can't know that, but I know that I would, and I don't see why not.