I've been doing some thinking, after experiencing more unearthly feelings I can't really grasp. Thinking about my demon soul and the past life I recall as Dala, and I think that might have been Heaven, or a heavenly dimension of some sort. A paradise in another world. I think I was in Heaven before I came here, and I think I'm now in Hell. Maybe I just compare Dala to this dimension and in that comparison this is Hell to me. But maybe I did something wrong in my past life that landed me here, maybe I fell from grace, and became something else. I was never really human.
No, I cannot have been angel, no matter how hard I try, there's just no possibility. Despite I was in Heaven or not, I don't have that in me. It doesn't make sense. Angels aren't chaotic, feeds on fear or bring destruction and misery with them no matter where they go.
I bought a book about demonology which describes different kinds of demons from A to Z from different kinds of religious, philosophic and mythology tales in an attempt to understand a bit more about my origin. When I discovered about my demon soul it was like a lightning struck on a clear day, I've never felt anything like it before. So true it hurts. And it wasn't new to me, I've felt the darkness inside me for a long time, if not through out my whole life here. But it's more like a part of my core than a possession. It feels like it is me, a part of me I can't deny, refuse or ignore.
And the human part of me hates that darkness that lies awake inside, wants to be good and bring light, refuses to live like this for the rest of my life. Has to do something, anything to change this path I'm on, this wrong track. But it feels like I'm becoming less and less human everyday...
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