My dreams, a two-way communication

I screwed up my sleep pattern by daytime-napping cause I was too upset to stay awake. I don't care. But I had a dream, that I think it reflected really a lot about me.

I was with my old school class from 2014-2016. We had been split into two groups. The leader of the group, a guy who in real life is calm, kinda dreamy and very compassionate, Bosse, was with the half of the group that I went with. He drove us to a beachy area but there was no water in sight, as in lake or ocean. It was just a beach and some forest around, but we were promised we'd go swimming at some point. We were some 5-6 people in total, in that group, and it was all very chill and calm. We spread out towels on the sand to relax on and talked calmly to each other, mostly about our packing as it was our first day there. I think we were meant to spend 2 or 3 days there.

I got bored very quickly and when the sun started to go down, I needed to pee. I knew that we were actually in the upper floor of a two store house, someone's home. And I knew that on the first floor was the second half of our school class, their group led by the much more enthusiastic, energetic, "go getter", quick-thinker yet also very compassionate teacher Åsa. The only bathroom was downstairs, so I thought nothing of it as I went down to take a leak.

But then I noticed something that got me both andry and jealous. They had a party down there! With lots of other people invited. I was intrigued and thought "if only I had known I would have gone with this group instead" and decided to wander around a bit there, kinda pretending to just be one of all the guests, but also thinking it's probably no issue that I'm lurking around there since we're the same school class and I couldn't imagine it was somehow meant to be a secret. Especially considering both groups shared the same bathroom.

Then I ran into Åsa who found me lurking around. She noticed I was in distress when our eyes met, so she took me aside. She wondered what was wrong, looking clueless and caring. I told her I may be a very calm person and all but I would have preferred being in the party group instead of the beach group. I told her I wasn't told the groups would be different and that I was angry the teachers had just assumed which group would be right for me.

Then I started to wake up and the dream got increasingly less coherent but still having that conversation with Åsa. So I think it officially ended there, that dream.

That dream reflects so much of many of my real life situations. How people so easily misunderstand me and assume stuff about how I appear to be as a person, and not even asking. Not just in terms of parties, but what this dream was built on, the concept of it, was eerily realistic. Especially Åsa's reaction, and Bosse just being super chill about it all like "of course I was in the right group!" And I meantion their real names cause I don't think it matters but I mentioned their actual personalities because that was a very important aspect of the dream. The caring but aloof Bosse of course wanting to protect me by putting me in the calm group that of course he's leading. And the energetic, quick-thinker Åsa of course going with the party group and just "didn't think about" even asking me cause the assumption happened so easily and went by everyone. They both made the same assumption, but for different reasons and from different sides of the calm vs party coin. It was well-meant but if someone had just thought to ask me... That has followed me so much in my life. Exactly that kind of scenario, just dressed up differently.

My gender situation was strange in that dream. Judging by how I thought of myself, my choice of clothes and the things I brought with me for that trip, I was clearly living as a woman... but I think for everyone else there I was still a male-presenting man, cause that's how I was when I went to that school in real life. That's interesting to me cause I think it was my mind showing me as a woman to myself cause that's what I'm comfortable with now, but it had to show me as a man to everyone else in the dream for it all to make sense. It wasn't adressed much, only when I tried to discuss swimwear with another classmate and I clearly spoke of women's swimwear which made the classmate.... glitch? It was as if she didn't register or understand it when I said "swim suit" (in Swedish that's the word "baddräkt" for women's one-piece swimwear) as if that was something I wasn't supposed to say cause it made the program glitch! Like that classmate expected me to say "swim shorts" instead and couldn't comprehend the feminine alternative. Also a few people in the dream referred to me as "John" but only once or twice, I think. The name Laura, or my birthname, did not come up at all.

So that was a new, rather strange thing that my dream mind did there, but I really appreciate the kind compromise to spare me of too much dysphoria. Sometimes I wonder if my subconscious mind is another entity of its own. Cause it almost kind of acts as if it's another consciousness, with how it communicates with me. But I think in actuality the subconscious isn't meant to be quite so directly interactive with one's conscious mind, but since I've found pretty much a "communication system" to keep in direct contact with my subconscious, I notice it acting in pretty fascinating, unusual ways that I don't recognise within my conscious and that's what makes me feel like my subcon is like another person altogether.

It's a bit like communicating with a highly intelligent, but bewildered person who doesn't speak and has an animalistic body language, but you notice they're actually incredibly smart once you've found ways to communicate with them. And they start showing you all the amazing things that's going on in their mind, and they want to get to know you too. They show you compassion and even love. Everything they do and how they do it is very strange and foreign to you, but you know that and don't judge them, and you're always patient and caring with them. That builds a very strong, special bond.

Also, daytime-napping is always when my subcon gets extra talkative with me. That's when I get extra intense dreams with deeper meaning. But this thing with my subcon compromising with my real life wishes... is totally new. I earlier, few weeks ago, also realised that my subcon has showed me having my ideal body in my nightly dreams almost every single time, since detransitioning. That is also, I think, something very special. It's just a theory, but I think what this could be, is my own mind rewarding me for my hard work with healing from my traumas and finding self-love, forgiving myself, etc. But it is definitely a sign of deeper communication with my subcon, beyond it just sending me dreams and whatever things that I specifically NEED... cause now it's additionally sending me things that I WANT, simply out of care and compassion. Isn't that amazing, and beautiful?

And yes, I'm really happy about that my mind literally lets me live out my dream body in my nightly dreams. The two different meanings of the word "dream" are mixing together a little bit. I can have dreams (as in things I deeply wish for) in my (nightly) dreams! It also lets me get a clearer image of what I even think of is my "dream body" and it's actually highly realistic. It is the way I actually look, but with big reconstructed boobs, a smooth hairless body and no facial hair, and the way my body shape looked before I took testosterone meaning just slightly narrower waist and slightly wider hips. That's a totally realistic goal to have. It lets me get a feel for what living with my body shaped and looking that way could be like. Although it's not the same as "trying it out for real" I think it's still good. But the very, very best part about that is of course not having any dysphoria in my dreams.

That right there tells me that my subcon REALLY cares about me and my mental well-being. It wants to cut me a break from my horrible feelings in the awake world, of dysphoria, grief, regret, and all that pain and suffering that comes with it. Likely because I finally dared to face all those true feelings that I always carried within myself but used to bottle so hard and far away that I hid them from myself and denied their existence. My subcon wants to make me feel good and to be relieved of that pain I otherwise constantly have to carry around and be weighed down by. I think my part of the deal is to not turn to sleeping or staying in bed all the time. My dysphoria-free dreams are my reward, not something I'm meant to replace actual life with. Then I think I'd lose that reward, if I tried that.

That's really quite remarkable if you think about it, isn't it? My subcon offered me a gift with one condition and I took the deal. And we both keep our end of the deal. Well, it fascinates me, that's for sure! For it being my subcon, I sure am very conscious of it. I used to think we didn't speak the same language, but we do. We just speak it in different ways. So yes, it is possible to find ways to communicate and understand each other. I think it has been the goal of my subcon all along, for me to understand the messages it sends me. And now, after many years of having tried to interpret and understand it, I still don't fully 100% understand it, but I know which ways it works and I do have a basic understanding of how it communicates. And now I've gotten so far with it that we're even making deals with each other! That's like... wow, just wow.

My nightly dreams have changed in one more way, by the way, since my detransing. When things "go wrong" in my dreams, such as people fighting me or I get lost or am chased or whatever, I don't fight it. It's not lucid dreaming, it's me trusting my own mind. It's me letting it play out the scenarios as it intends for them to be, without fighting or trying to change them cause I get scared. Even in the dreams where I think it's real, some inkling withing me stops me and goes kinda "hang on, I need to trust this won't harm me". And I'm pretty sure that too has strengthened the bond and communication between my subcon and my consciousness. Cause I'm not fighting its messages.

Can my subcon integrate with my conscious mind? Well, I think that's what's gradually happening, so yes I think it's possible... but can it be integrated fully? As in, I'm conscious of all aspects of my mind, and I in a sense don't have subconscious anymore because of having become fully aware and a part of it. That I kinda doubt, but we'll see, I guess! I wouldn't say it's my "goal" but I am working towards it. My goal is to understand myself better and have a good connection and comunication between my conscious mind, my subconscious mind and my physical body. But I don't have an "end goal" with it. As cheesy as it may sound, the journey, and the direction, is my goal.