The damage I do

So uhm, what to write here today... can start with the boring stuff: the lock to my apartment door has now been permanently changed and I (hopefully) don't have to worry about getting locked out anymore.

Good stuff: my ID-card is now finished and I'm gonna pick it up on Tuesday or Wednesday, and it will say that I'm male and have my new personal identity number on it. Yay! It still makes me smile just thinking about it.

Weird stuff: I've noticed that my digestion is going way better since I started consuming oatmeal porridge like crazy. I get fibres and things are just going real smooth. I've never really thought about how good it can be to have a high fibre diet. That it's good for weight loss too. I get about 20-30 grams per day now, which actually happens to be the recommended amount, though I am getting little else.

Depressing stuff: I'm still fat and I hate my body more than ever. I can't even stand to look at it. I binged last night and I'm denying it somehow.

Annoying stuff: I didn't think of weighing my dreads so I don't know how much that adds to my actual weight... so now I have to go even lower because I still need to see the number 52 in kg on the scale. Nice surprise when I take them out again later on, I hope. That I'll weigh less than the scale has told me, I mean.

Funny stuff: Nope, can't think of anything.

And to finish it off: I sort of plan to fast on Sunday or Monday or both days to get down at least half a kilo. And I need to fix this about the binges, I really really need to. They're destroying me, both physically and mentally.

Did you know it actually hurts physically when I eat more than just child-like portions nowadays? And shifting between literally starving and shoving down food like there's no tomorrow just can't be good for my body. It feels like I'm welcoming digestive problems. And then let's not get into the massive amount of emotional damage it does. I just can't live that way, I'd rather starve to death, so that's what I'm working on.

Trying to be more active here...

So today hasn't been very exciting. I lost 0,2 kg over the time I slept today (8 hours) and I'm down to 54,9 kg. I still feel the need to hide my body when I go outside; in baggy sweatpants and my big, long, black jacket/coat and preferably I only go out when it's dark. Hopefully, I just have to, have lost enough weight to get some confidence back by Tuesday, cause I need to be in Visby on that particular day. And can't go there in sweatpants.

What weight that would be I don't know, but at most 54, more likely 53 kg. If I continue to lose weight every day like this it will be possible for me to be at a more tolerable weight by Tuesday, since it's almost a whole week until then so. Did you guys realise that it's only 3 weeks left until Christmas Eve?! Cause I just did.

My current goal weight for Christmas is "as low as possible" but at most 52 kg. I just need to at least be underweight and hit some kind of goal or I'll feel like a complete and utter failure. (As if I don't already). Cause I wanted to be at 47 kg by then, but seeing as it's only 3 weeks left... that's not gonna be possible to reach.

Oh, well. Then I've also put my dreads back in to my hair just now. It was easier this time and now I know which techniques are best. It still took me a bunch of hours though, but didn't keep track of time. I just don't care to count exactly everything in my life. Some things just has to be approximate.

Cause I'm so obsessed with numbers already, they're taking over enough of my life as it is. I don't need to make it worse by counting hours or other stupid things like cigarettes or whatever. Keep it on a "need to know" basis.

I finished my short story yesterday, that one about a transsexual, goth vampire that no one cared to read. Not that I care about praise or anything, I don't know. I was thinking of posting it on tumblr as well, but thinking maybe that would somehow be outing myself because the main character is a transsexual man, like me.

I'm not out about my gender situation on tumblr, but it's been a lot more about that lately there. I follow 3 or 4 other transguys and they've all been reblogging stuff about it. I wonder when a confession will find its way out to my dashboard. I wouldn't mind that of course, but I'd still hesitate to open myself up about it too. Even if... no, I can't say it.

I'm comfortable being sort of stealth to most people these days. Someone once said something to me that sticks to me still. They simply said "be careful who you out yourself to" or something close to it, I can't find the most accurate translation right now, nor does it matter. I didn't think about it much at first, or well I did, but not that way.

What else... yeah I just started watching a new tv-show that I might or might not like. It's called "Red band society" and I only started watching it because it depicts a person with an eating disorder. It's quite new, created this year, and it's about a bunch of kids/teenagers at a hospital where they kinda live for a lot of different reasons. Like they hang and go to school there while in treatment for random things.

Oh well, I guess that's it for today. I'm still embroidering and watching "Angel", playing WoW and trying to lose weight. Everything is the same.