Not today

Death is freedom. I can't let go of that thought. I'm serious when I say that I want to be murdered, cause then I won't have to kill myself. I'm fantasising about it, I'm looking for people who could possibly be murderers, wanting one to find me. They say every person generally meets 36 murderers in their lifetime without knowing it. I want to find mine.

Perhaps I've told you already, but I doubt that you believe me. I doubt that you would think that if I was to end up in a situation like that, I wouldn't fight for my sad excuse for a life, I wouldn't beg. I would invite it. It doesn't matter in what manner. Quick, slow, peaceful, painful, graceful or humiliating, or excruciatingly humiliating. Hate crime or bar fight, including torture and or rape, I don't care.

I just don't know how to find someone like that, who isn't dead or in prison, or lives way too far away. It's not like I could just "pop the question" about something as serious as murder. I could get in trouble, I could put someone else in trouble.

Other than that I'm absolutely obsessed by the thought of suicide even when I'm not suicidal. I romanticise it, glorify it and it excites me. Other peoples' suicide, their letters, they way they died, everything revolving around it. I love suicide.

Today hasn't really been a good day either. Now I'm drunk on Jägermeister and can't put down the razor blade for more than five minutes at a time. Trying to figure out what I'm gonna do when I'm running out of space on my arm.

I can't even talk to my mother. My mouth just closes up when she talks about everything I have to look forward to. "Yes, of course that will be nice. I'll try to hold on" I say. When in reality I seriously doubt I'll even be alive when those things will supposedly occur.

I'm giving up on life a little more every day. I won't tell you if or when I choose to die, I don't wanna worry you. Right now I'm safe, that's all I can say. Besides, I haven't even found a good spot yet. I know I say it every time, but the next time will be the last. I can feel it inside me, really deeply, that I only have one more attempt ahead of me. But I don't know when that would be. Soon, but not today. Not today.