From the bottom of my heart

My heart is dying and soon also literally. I'll be causing irreparable damage to myself. I just don't care, but it still rattles me. Beyond my comprehension, do I really want to die like that? -I ask myself, for what more can I do. I've never been more of a danger to myself before. I'm scared, but I don't know how, or what of. I can't reach the right words, I can't think clearly. God damn I need more booze.

I might be over reacting, but my eating disorder is really starting to get dangerous now. I've been writing about this all day but I just can't get my words right. I don't want it to sound too worrying, or too casual. Purging like this will have very serious complications eventually and drinking on top of that, dehydration is not far into the future. I just don't care, but I'm scared.

Because suddenly it's real, you know. I've had an eating disorder for at least 5 months now and I was never before worried about the health risks, not truly. Now I am... fuck, I can't hold myself together. There are things I can do to lessen the risks, or to prolong it kinda, but I don't want to. I want it to hurt me, I need for it to.

But here it is: By purging as much as I do, my potassium will drop significantly, and it can cause arrhythmia to my heart. That's what's scaring me, that's what I don't care about. I'm torn today, so very torn. Between wanting to die of something other than direct suicide, and being scared of dying.

But my heart is strong, I've never once had a problem with it before in my life, so there's still a part of me thinking that I'm immortal. But I think for maybe the first time ever, I'm starting to realise my own mortality, and maybe that is what truly is scaring me.