Numb by all this

The time doens't exist, only the breath takes. I'm held captive in myself. I can't feel anything. No comfort, pain, love, need, sorrow or lust. Like I'm dead inside. To keep my body from freezing I wear mittens, two thick sweaters, a scarf, two hoods on my head and drinking liters of hot tea. But I can't warm my soul. It's permanently dagamed from the frost. I keep smoking on the balcony, even though I'm not allowed to, but who cares. I wish I had the top floor apartment, then the smoke would just disappear into the air and it wouldn't bother anyone. And I would have a real nice view over... Gottsunda. Oh crap, what do I care? I've washed 8 full machines of clothing and other textiles today, it really wash me out as well. So now I feel even more empty inside. And tired. I'm tired of washing closed and trying to get them dry. I'm tired of fixing food, eating the god damned shit, tired of talking, sitting, standing, reading, knitting, showering, cleaning, crying, sleeping, dreaming, breathing... Tired of living. So I've got a place at this special resident. A two room apartment and all that stuff I mentioned before in another entry. So I'm basically just trying to settle in now. Guess it works so-so. I just hope I get my meds tomorrow morning, I told them about that I don't have anything for tomorrow and the dude just said "the morning staff should fix that, don't worry", kind of. Yeah, now I feel soooo calm about it. Not! But I had to almost bang the staff door in to get attention (since knocking three times with some delay between didn't do a shit) so I kinda leave it to them. And still worry the heck of me. I love having the swing (small playground) just in front of me, could almost jump right off the balcony and land on one of them. Or break my ankle, which of course is more likely... So I'm nor up for trying that riiiight now.

Saw this on a wall outside the psych ward... Kent <3